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Hold It Right There! What’s a Ruined Orgasm?

What’s a ruined orgasm? No, we’re not talking about a fuccboi who can’t deliver on his promises. This “compromised” climax is very (intensely) intentional.
Editorial team
June 3, 2024
June 22, 2024
min. read
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Imagine this: Your man’s delivering some deliciously sloppy top and jerking you off like his life depends on it. His free hand reaches around the rear, rocking your P-spot. Pleasure pulses from your head to your toes as you sweat and moan and beg for more.

But just when you’re ready to pop, he cuts the multi-tasking pleasure parade short. He pulls away and stares at you with a shit-eating grin as your potentially earth-shattering orgasm shrivels into a pitiful dribble of cum.

This all might sound like a major boner killer, but many BDSM connoisseurs consider it a thrilling expression of Dom/sub power dynamics. So, what is a ruined orgasm, and why do people like it when their climax is more of a molehill than a mountain? Grindr’s here to spoil the surprise.

Ruined orgasms: An exercise in discipline (and denial)

We aren’t talking about bad sex — quite the opposite. This is a ruined orgasm, meaning it’s entirely intentional. In fact, it can be a (metaphorical) blast for everyone involved.

When delivering a ruined orgasm, your partner brings you to the brink of climax during sex or foreplay. Then, he cuts the stimulation short. Rather than an explosive, full load, you’re left with an underwhelming or partial orgasm.

Ruined orgasms are related to orgasm control, an umbrella term for sexual practices in the BDSM community that explore Doms’ and subs’ control (or lack thereof) over climaxing.

Why do people enjoy ruined orgasms? 

Sexual pleasure exists on a broad spectrum. As they say, different strokes for different folks — or a lack of strokes for certain folks. 

Like other kinks and fetishes in the BDSM community, ruined orgasms play into Dominant-submissive power dynamics. For those who enjoy ruined orgasms, cumming isn’t the payoff of sex. Instead, the kink revolves around the excitement of denied physical pleasure, whether it plays into a degradation kink (“You don’t deserve to cum!”) or displays a Dom’s power (“Your orgasm is only as good as I allow it to be.”)

Other types of orgasm control

Orgasm control is like jazz; it’s about the pleasure you don’t feel. Aside from ruined orgasms, there are several other popular varieties.


Like a ruined orgasm, edging is when you bring yourself or your partner to the point of climax through sex or masturbation and then cut off stimulation. Unlike a ruined orgasm, the idea is to stop before the point of no return, cool off, and start all over again. Rinse and repeat until you can’t take it anymore; then, you erupt. 

Practicing an edging kink isn’t meant to ruin your orgasm. Quite the opposite — it intensifies your O. Your body builds up erotic anticipation, which transforms into an explosive, mind-bending climax. Many people practice edging to heighten the sexual experience, improve weak orgasms, or build up stamina to last longer in bed. Who says masturbating doesn’t count as cardio?

Denied orgasm

What’s orgasm denial? More than just an orgasm river in Egypt.

In practice, it looks a lot like edging, except you never “arrive.” The recipient is brought right up to the point of orgasm. Then, they stop, let the body relax, and pick stimulation back up. But there’s no light at the end of this tunnel of love.

In some cases, orgasm denial is a type of sexual punishment. Doms set the terms of the sub’s orgasm, often performing an agreed-upon act. Maybe they need to deliver a nipplegasm or receive a golden shower), worship their Dom for the day, or even finish household chores. 

Other times, the submissive is left high and dry for a set period. They may even wear a chastity cage to prevent them from masturbating when Daddy isn’t around. When he finally brings out that key, his sub is in for a whole other kind of pleasure kink

Forced orgasm

Forced orgasms are sometimes referred to as orgasm punishment or orgasm torture. A submissive partner is consensually “forced” to climax over and over again, even when the physical satisfaction is overwhelming or, sometimes, long gone.

Imagine the leg-shaking sensation when a partner continues to work your shaft after you blow your load and the eventual numbness after multiple rounds. Hot, right?


What does a ruined orgasm feel like? 

Back to the topic at hand: spoiled spunking. It’s difficult to describe the exact feeling of a ruined orgasm. Like all sexual pleasure, the sensation is different for everyone.

Imagine the buildup of a massive orgasm but with a lackluster release. Unlike a quick and unsatisfying masturbation session, the stimulation leading up to a ruined orgasm is typically intense. You feel the contractions run up your shaft, but the release itself is muted, and all that pent-up sexual tension remains. 

For some people, a ruined orgasm might feel like “blue balls.” Mount Cockatoa is about to erupt, but all that molten matter barely makes it out of the shaft. Others describe the sensation as dull, numb, or even a little painful. 

Feelings of frustration, disappointment, vulnerability, or even embarrassment might be more powerful than the orgasm itself. And if you and your partner are into humiliation, that’s a huge plus. These are normal, often desired, emotions that heighten the intimacy and sexual arousal of control and submission. 

How to ruin an orgasm

So, are you ready to get in on the (lack of) action? Here’s how to make your partner squeal with arousal, then seethe in bratty frustration:

1. Get consent

Denying your partner’s pleasure without consent will likely ruin more than his orgasm. Like every other kink and fetish, talk out expectations and boundaries beforehand. Discuss every aspect before having sex, such as whether degradation or dirty talk are okay. This is the best way to guarantee that everyone feels safe, comfortable, and satisfied, even in the absence of physical satisfaction. 

If you aren’t sure where to start, fill out a BDSM checklist together to clearly define what is and isn’t up for grabs. 

2. Choose a safe word

Even with prior consent, you need a way to tell each other if you aren’t having a good time in the heat of the moment — especially if you’re adding elements of humiliation or degradation. BDSM practices put you and your partner into a vulnerable headspace. Sometimes, it can feel too overwhelming. A safe word lets you pause, regain composure, and change course if it doesn’t feel right. 

3. Be a cock tease

The best ruined orgasms come after an extra steamy buildup. It’s all about the contrast. Nobody’s going to cry over a lackluster ending to an unenthusiastic, under-the-pants HJ.

Amp up the disappointment by teasing out the foreplay. Give your man a full-body erotic massage, impress him with a wild new sex position, or suck his cock like you’re draining the life force out of him. The more anticipation, the more satisfying the letdown.

4. Ready, set, STOP!

As soon as he’s about to blow his load, slam the breaks. Your partner can use a code word or a signal (e.g., snapping or clapping) to let you know he’s about to burst. 

5. Confuse him

Another way to ruin an orgasm is to pull a sudden left turn rather than stopping altogether.

Give it your all to find the perfect spot and rhythm. When he gives the signal, slow down, change the tempo, or hit a different angle. Or cease your stroking and give his manhood a firm grip at the base, feeling that much-anticipated seed bubble up his shaft. If you’re engaged in anal play, you can also use a vibrator and turn down the intensity when the orgasm is about to hit. 

Are ruined orgasms safe? 

Generally, yes. Ruining your partner’s orgasms won’t hurt him physically. However, you or your partner could experience emotional or mental distress. Even enthusiastic consent and pre-established safe words don’t negate the need for aftercare.

Aftercare lets you check in with your partner and remind him that you care. Cuddle, talk about the experience, or take a warm shower or bath together to help reaffirm safe intimacy and calm down after an intense experience.

Ruin him

Now that you’re an expert, why not experience a ruined orgasm for yourself? It probably won’t be the first time a man has disappointed you, but it’s sure to be the most fun.

If you’re looking for your Dominant or submissive, there are plenty of guys on Grindr who are eager to kill the vibe — with your permission, of course. Download the Grindr app today and have the best lackluster orgasm of your life.

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