It’s Pride, and You Have Party Dysmorphia. Here’s How to Deal…

Ah, June: the one month a year gay people get to don slutty costumes, overpay for ticketed parties, and venture out in hopes of getting laid. Yes, Pride is about much more than sex… but it’s undeniable that at a certain time of night, a lot of these “celebrations of community” start to feel more like a Horsemeat market.

Which can be fun… when you’re in demand. And devastating when you’re not.  

Perhaps you’ve experienced it: you show up to a much-hyped, rainbow-adorned event with a fresh cut, exposed arms, and high hopes. You’ve never looked better, but no one is looking your way. Cut to three hours later: all your friends are all making out in circles around you, while you’re nursing a melted tequila soda and the DJ is dragging you with their remix of “Dancing On My Own.” 

That’s when party dysmorphia sets in: the feeling that nobody wants you, you’re not good enough, or you don’t belong in this crowd. 

It may sound immature, but going out can sometimes feel like gambling with your self-esteem. So if any of this is hitting close to home, let’s make a game plan for squashing that nasty feeling this Pride.

Step 1: Reassess the situation

First things first: how do we snap you out of this depressive spiral? Find somewhere quiet—or at least close your eyes on the dance floor—and practice a little positive self-talk. 

If you’re feeling unattractive…

Remember your wins. Who is the hottest person you’ve ever slept with? The one whose name triggers a Pavlovian response to mention you two hooked up? Think about THEM. Or think about the gorgeous dude who DM-ed you out of nowhere last month. Instead of agonizing over what’s so hideous about you tonight, recall the times you’ve killed it in the past… and that you haven’t changed that much. Whatever was attractive about you then is still attractive about you now.

If you’re feeling unwelcome…

Question your narrative. To be clear: there are absolutely some queer spaces that are not as inclusive as they should be, and that’s a real issue. But it’s also true that feeling insecure at a party can be a slippery slope. Once your defenses go up, a bad mood can start to color every vague interaction. If you’re looking around at a room full of half-conscious ravers and seeing the eyes of Mean Gays judging or shunning you… remember, it’s just possible you’re projecting. As a naturally defensive person, I can’t tell you how many times I convinced myself some dude disliked me, only to learn they thought it was the other way around. Just make sure whatever you’re upset about… actually happened.

If you’re feeling rejected…

Appreciate life’s gorgeous impermanence. Let’s say there was no ambiguity: the guy(s) you were after tonight flatly turned you down. There is a life-changing quote about the gay community I turn to in these moments, from the 1970s classic novel Dancer from the Dance. Ready? 

“Over a long enough period of time, everyone goes to bed with everyone else.” 

Okay, it might not sound that profound—it’s not making it on any tea towels—but the longer you’re alive as a gay man, the more you realize there’s truth to it. As years pass, guys glow up. Twinks twas. People change, and so do tastes. The heartbreaker that’s unattainable tonight might be begging for your attention in a Pride or two. I’m not saying you should get hung up on someone who’s uninterested… but if you’re not ready to admit defeat tonight, take comfort in the long game. 

Step 2: Form a plan of attack   

Feeling better? Good. Now you have three options: 

Make your last stand: Finish your pep-talk, resolve not to take the party (or yourself) so seriously, and then walk straight up to the guy you’ve been staring at and say hello—knowing you have nothing to lose. 

Retreat to the grid: Not to be the genius suggesting gay men try Grindr… but it is sometimes unintuitive to whip out your phone when you’re already at a party. But if you’re feeling shy and lonely in a room full of a thousand other gay men, it’s likely someone else is, too. Before you bail, use the grid as a super low-stakes way to put yourself out there without suffering through the inscrutable games of eye contact and arm brushes. Just say hey or tap—and in minutes, you could be having a drink with an adorable introvert. 

Find another way to have fun: Say fuck men, and dance! Enjoy the music. Peel your bestie off their new beau and force them to talk to you. Or say hi to someone new—chat up a stranger you’d usually overlook and make a new friend. Reframe your perspective on what makes a fun night out. 

Step 3: Admit defeat?

Or… go home. 

The number one rule is: don’t force it. 

People with supreme confidence, or no sense of boundaries, might say you can turn any night around. But I firmly believe some nights you feel hot, and some nights don’t, no matter what you look like.

If your ethereal energy just isn’t giving tonight, and you can’t find another way to enjoy yourself, walk away and live to fight another Pride. 

Because in truth, any activity you can do during Pride month—except maybe taking ironic selfies with Westboro Baptist Church protestors—is readily available in most major cities 365 nights a year.  

Don’t put too much pressure on, and never forget the best nights—and the best connections—are usually the ones you don’t see coming.