How to Get Out of a Dick Appointment (Without Being a Dick)

Grindr is all about making connections. More often than not, it works out beautifully.

But if you meet enough people over a long enough period of time, eventually you may run into the nightmare scenario: someone who seemed perfect on screen turns out to be not so perfect IRL.

Maybe they grew a scraggly beard—or 15 years older—since their last pic. (Next time, ask for a verified Taken on Grindr current photo, TM.) Or maybe they’re gorgeous, but their in-person energy is just… off.

Whatever the reason, you’re not feeling it — and that’s okay. It’s an uncomfortable situation, but it’s also something we all face at one time or another. So it’s in all our best interests to make respectful rejection a healthy, normal part of hook-up and dating culture.

So, how do you do it—how do you bail kindly? It depends on where this is all going down…

In public

You know that movie moment where the protagonist sees their love interest for the first time and time seems to slow down?

A bad first meetup is like the opposite of that: you spot someone you instantly know you’re not attracted to, only to watch them speed towards you like an oncoming train.

Luckily, if you made the decision to meet in public first—which I recommend—you have a pretty easy out. It may not be as fun an evening as you hoped, but all you have to do is be polite.

Grab your drink or coffee as planned. Talk. Be human. Once you’ve finished a round, don’t make a huge production of rejecting them—even if you’d previously implied there would be a part two to this meetup. Simply say, “Hey, it was great meeting you, but I think I’m going to head back home.” The implication should be clear, while letting everyone save face.

If they do press you for more— “I thought we were gonna hang”—that’s when you whip out the magic words we’re gonna be using a lot in this article:

“To be honest, I’m not feeling a connection.”

It’s not a fun thing to say to someone, exactly—but it is direct, clear, and impossible to argue with.

In private

In private, things get a little trickier.

A door swings open—either at your place or theirs — to reveal not a prince, but a frog. Do you still invite them into your castle? Do you dare venture into their swamp? (This metaphor came out meaner than intended.)

You could fall back on “I’m not feeling a connection”… but using those words immediately on sight can feel pretty brutal.

This one’s a judgment call. If you sense intentional deception or that their vibe goes beyond unappealing to, say, aggressive, that’s enough of a red flag that you shouldn’t worry about politeness. Just rip off the Band-Aid—“Hey, I’m sorry, I’m not feeling it”—and close the door, or walk away. Don’t give reasons, and definitely don’t accuse them of misleading you; anything beyond a firm personal statement just invites more interaction.

But if they seem nice and normal—and maybe you have enough IG mutuals to confirm they’re a functioning member of society—use an abbreviated version of the public playbook. Sacrifice a little of your evening and be kind. Offer them (or ask for) a non-alcoholic drink. Have a quick, friendly chat.

Then you can try a face-saving excuse—“I’m actually feeling tired, I’m gonna head to bed”—and if they don’t immediately take the hint, fall back on our magic words.

In flagrante

What if you actually were into it—to the point where you got into bed together—only for things to take a hard left turn?

To be clear, I don’t mean you were loving it until you suddenly and mysteriously lost interest. This is not a guide to being a Kum & Go—if they did their part, do yours.

I mean it’s real bad, and you’re genuinely uncomfortable.

Maybe they’re spitting on you without permission (as if anyone down for sexual contact must also enjoy roleplaying as a city sidewalk). Or maybe they’re speaking so softly and gesticulating so dramatically in bed you can’t shake the feeling you’re having sex with a mime. (Too specific?)

The number one rule here is: do not muddle through to be nice. Remember consent is an ongoing conversation, not a contract, and you’re allowed to change your mind at any time. If you don’t speak up, not only will you be miserable, but eventually your partner may catch on—and the late-stage realization that your hookup has been hating it the whole time is uniquely soul-crushing.

Shut things down quickly… while keeping in mind they’re in a uniquely vulnerable position. Turn to couples-therapist-approved “I” statements. If you can’t bring yourself to say “I’m not feeling a connection” at this point, instead say something like “I’m feeling off my game tonight” or “I’m in a weird headspace” and end with a simple: “Do you mind if we stop?”

Apologize, and if you really can’t help yourself, you can suggest trying again another time… even if you don’t mean it. The awkwardness of this moment will probably discourage a repeat visit anyway.

Ultimately, prevention is the best cure. You can usually avoid this kind of situation by being upfront about what you're looking for in the chat, digging into tags and profiles to make sure interests and kinks are aligned, and sharing verified photos. (Also, a good rule of thumb when deciding if you’re into someone online: assume they look more like their least attractive pic than their most, and then you can only be pleasantly surprised.)

But if a mismatch does happen, just remember nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them. So simply be kind and straightforward, and follow the golden rule: reject others how you’d want to be rejected.