Why Does Love Always Seem to Live in Another City?

After eons of disappointing dates, you finally, finally meet someone who checks all your boxes. You’re flirting, marveling at your easy chemistry (and his magnificent dimples). And just as you’re wondering where he’s been hiding all this time, you get your answer: in Cleveland. Or Austin. Or Rome. 

Because he’s only visiting.

Ughhh. Of course. Your new boyfriend lives hundreds of miles away. You ask yourself if it’s even worth going on the date you just arranged, before definitely going on the date. 24 to 48 hours later, you two have fallen madly in love… just in time for his sled ride back to Antarctica. 

Other times, you’re the exotic specimen who has to disappoint someone else. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re hosting or traveling. There’s something undeniably magical—and tragic—about an out-of-town romance. It leaves you breathless, and then leaves you questioning why you never meet guys like that who live in your zip code. But would you be better off dating in another city? Is love really waiting just a plane ride away, or is it all an illusion?

Why it might be a mirage

Before one or two wonderful dates with men from New York, LA, or Birmingham convince you to pack your bags and break your lease, consider that your long-distance love story may not be all it appears to be. It’s possible that what is so amazing about vacation romances is that they’re short.

You know the number one cause of death for promising new relationships? Second dates.

How many times have you told your friends you’ve met your husband, only for it to fizzle out a few weeks later? (Side note: any married person who brags about instantly knowing they would end up with their spouse should be forced to disclose how many times they thought that incorrectly about someone else first.) 

When your burgeoning romance is cut short by a flight home, it never has to be tested. It’s a trailer for a relationship that will never hit theaters, and thus will never have to be rated Fresh or Rotten.

For years, there was a guy I thought I’d be dating, if only we lived on the same coast. When I finally did hop coasts, we immediately got together… for one mediocre date. The fantasy man, it turns out, was a lot more charming (and a lot less into pickleball) than the real one. 

There’s also a risk, when you’re the one traveling, of associating all the positive feelings and things you like about a place with the person who lives there. Your Parisian paramour may have shown you the Venus de Milo, but he didn’t sculpt it.

Why it might be real

But that doesn’t mean the connection is all in your head. There might be a legit explanation for this phenomenon—a reason why residents and visitors click at a deeper level than two fellow townies. 

Travel inherently opens you up to new experiences. Exploring somewhere new makes you, or the guy that’s visiting you, unusually open-minded—totally along for the ride. And coming from separate worlds means you get to meet each other free of context, with few pre-conceived notions (or IG mutuals).

Travel makes you fully present, which makes it the perfect time to let someone new into your life.

And as disappointing as it can be to find out you two may not have a future, knowing this is all you get further opens you up to the moment. You put your concerns and calculations about practical compatibility on hold, and risk a little more intimacy, knowing you have nothing to lose. You make the effort to see them as much as possible in their limited time.

There’s a lesson to be taken away here. It’s not about the geography; it’s about the energy. Next time you’re having a beautiful tryst with a foreign stranger, hold onto that feeling of opening yourself up to one wonderful night or weekend… and then try to bring it to your next date with someone from your own town.

Show the same enthusiasm and willingness for a romantic adventure. Focus on being open-minded, present, and excited… even if you know they’ll still be there tomorrow.

Why it might be a good thing?

In the meantime, before you spend too much time mourning what could have been, take a moment to appreciate what is.

Not that long ago, the gay lifestyle involved a lot of secrecy and subterfuge. The changing world and advent of dating apps means we’ve gone from meeting in the shadows to connecting across the globe. 

I say lean into these city-crossed romances. Put yourself on the grid in Rio while you’re still planning your trip in Jersey, and find someone to share your life with… for as long as you’re going to share a time zone. 

You may not get a husband out of these encounters, but you also won’t get another ex crowding up your city, another face to politely greet at the same three bars every weekend for the rest of eternity. 

Instead, you’ll have a would-be lover who will harbor an unrealistically romanticized portrait of you, just as you will for them. You’ll have a familiar, chiseled face to call on whenever you visit their neck of the woods. And—unless you made some sort of Before Sunrise-esque pact not to exchange contact info—you’ll have someone to chat with, flirt with, and exchange *tasteful* photos with online for years to come.

And you never know! If you do keep the connection going past baggage claim, what starts as a layover may one day become your final destination.