(Ho)me for the Holidays: In Defense of Hometown Hookups

Overcompensating, Benito Skinner’s hilarious, semi-autobiographical TV series, is excellent viewing from start to finish, but there’s one episode in particular that’s stuck with me. The premise: Benny, our closeted “golden boy” protagonist, has left his liberal arts college and returned home to smalltown Idaho for Thanksgiving break. While out and about at a bar, he runs into an old friend from high school, Sammy (played rather iconically by Lukas Gage). Benny and Sammy have some beef to squash regarding an awkward homoerotic encounter. Afterward, they make out in a bathroom stall.

With the holiday season fast approaching, it has to be said: A queer hometown hookup sounds hot. Logistically complicated, perhaps, and potentially messy, but undeniably hot. Scrolling on Grindr in your childhood bed? It’s so wrong, it’s right. Sneaking away from your family for a few hours to meet up with someone? Sign me up. Getting some much-needed stress relief in the form of an orgasm or two? I repeat, sign me up.

The Case for a Hometown Hookup

Last fall, a record-high 79 million Americans traveled more than 50 miles for Thanksgiving weekend. Even amid pervasive financial strain and the lingering chaos of the recent government shutdown, flight bookings for Thanksgiving travel are up this year. Millions of Americans will once again make their annual trek home for the holidays. But spending time with family can be emotionally loaded, particularly for queer and trans people. Whether we’re dealing with relatives who stress us out, judge our lifestyle, or, frankly, don’t accept us, this time of year often presents unique challenges. What better way to relax than by taking a break from family time and dipping out for a quickie?

For those of us who weren’t openly queer in high school, this scenario can also be an instance of wish fulfillment. Picture this: You’re returning to your hometown as an out-and-proud gay adult. And not just a gay adult. A gay adult who fucks. A gay adult whose Grindr notifications are positively popping off under the Thanksgiving table. Your teenage self would be so proud — gagged, even. The only logical thing to do now is to find a mutually convenient meet-up spot, suss out the vibe, and get it on as discreetly as possible (or indiscreetly, if you’re into that sort of thing, and if “getting caught” wouldn’t make things too awkward with your family).

How to Not Make It Weird

Of course, a hometown hookup could easily get messy. Clarifying boundaries and expectations is key. If you’re just in town for a short visit, and you’re seeking a no-strings-attached sort of thing, communicating that upfront will help prevent misunderstandings. I’m reminded of a certain Taylor Swift song in which this chart-topping pop girlie offers a blueprint for this exact exchange: “We could call it even / even though I’m leaving / And I’ll be yours for the weekend / ‘tis the damn season.”

As for how to keep things cute and respectful post-hookup? Speaking to Hypebae, queer sex and dating expert Bobby Box suggested exchanging socials and casually staying in touch with each other. “You don’t need to talk all the time,” he advised, “but the occasional check-in wouldn’t hurt. Anything more than that sounds like a crush.”

When Past Meets Present

And if you’re planning on rekindling things with your high school crush, or god forbid, an ex? Good luck! Kidding, kidding. If you think about it, a scenario like this is sort of perfect for a steamy last hurrah. In theory, you’re just passing through. The same is probably true for your past fling. That puts some implicit parameters around this hookup. (You can make things crystal clear by, you guessed it, discussing boundaries and expectations ahead of time.)

Take it from Syd*, a queer and nonbinary person who had a steamy final romp with their ex, John*, while on a New Year’s Eve trip years ago. It was unplanned, fueled by tipsiness and the daze of spending time together post-breakup — and it happened in their mutual friend’s childhood bed. At the time, “I thought this meant we were getting back together,” Syd shares. “He was the first person I fell in love with. We’d left things off because of distance and logistics.” 

Spoiler alert: This hookup did not reestablish Syd and John as a couple. Hard feelings did follow. Looking back, though, would they do it again? “Yes, I would,” Syd says, laughing. “At this point in my life, I’m like, we’re not here for a long time. Do the messy thing. Have a good time. Unless you’re going to totally implode an existing relationship, I say just do it.”

*Name changed for privacy.