Red Flags in Men: These Gays, They’re Trying to Murder Me!
A red flag is an early warning sign in a relationship that indicates there might be unhealthy, manipulative, and even potentially abusive behavior on the horizon.
Some are more obvious. If you happen to be an air-headed heir to a massive fortune and a conniving bunch of financially struggling gays lure you to a remote yacht off the coast of Sicily — that’s a red flag. Actually, that’s like 12 red flags.
But life doesn’t always follow a clear narrative arc, and red flags in men aren’t always as glaring as their name indicates. Hindsight is 20/20, after all. But we want to help you spot the warning signs before they bite you in the ass. (Ironically, ass biting is often a green flag.)
25 biggest red flags in a guy
Dodge your next toxic relationship by looking out for these red flags:
You might be able to catch this one as early as the first date. Does he treat servers like shit, think he’s better than other people, and devalue your opinions? You don’t need that type of disrespect in your life.
2. Devil’s advocate
There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing or viewing topics from different angles, but some guys make opposition their whole personality and don’t actually care what you have to say. Sometimes, the devil’s advocate is just the devil.
3. Love bombing
He’s doing too much too fast: buying you gifts, blowing up your phone, and planning your future when you barely know each other. These may be warning signs that he will take a turn for the toxic if left unchecked.
Love bombing is an insidious red flag because it feels so good before it goes bad.
4. Doesn’t hear “no”
Your boundaries are everything. Anyone who ignores them is out, busted, goodbye. You don’t owe him sex, time, attention — none of it. If you say “no,” that’s your boundary. If he doesn’t respect that, he’s not worthy of you.
5. Mr. Controlling
Nobody you’re dating can tell you what to do, what to wear, how to act, or who you can spend your time with. If he wants a companion who will bend to his will, he should consider adopting a dog.
6. Old unreliable
Does he ghost you for days at a time before suddenly reappearing? Some folks are just scatterbrained or have inconsistent schedules, but if he frequently flakes out at the last minute or leaves you hanging, that’s no good.
At best, he doesn’t respect your time. At worst, he could be in another relationship he isn’t disclosing. We love a little polyamory, but ethical non-monogamy requires an emphasis on the “ethical” part. Anything less is plain old infidelity, and nobody has time for that.
7. He lives for the drama
And not the fun kind. This bitch can drum up conflict out of thin air. He’s always complaining about how his boss is out to get him and the barista made his latte wrong on purpose.
If he can’t see the good in anything in life, he won’t be able to see the good in you. But he’ll be sure to wear you out before he’s done with you.
You mean the baseline behavior in almost every famous love story since the beginning of time is a red flag? You bet your cute butt it is. Healthy relationships are built on independence and interdependence, not emotional enmeshment and anxious reliance on each other.
If he talks down to you, ignores your ideas, and thinks he’s somehow superior\, he doesn’t respect you. He’s trying to enforce a power dynamic that has no place in a healthy relationship.
10. Compromise, who?
She done already done had herses, so why can’t you get a little bit of yourses too? If he must have everything his way without any regard for your needs, then it’s a no from us.
11. No accountability
He can’t apologize. He can’t take responsibility for his actions. He doesn’t intend to change. You deserve better.
12. When was the last time he asked a question about you?
You’ve done your research. You know all the right questions to ask him. But does he even know anything about you? Does he constantly talk over you because he thought of something he wanted to say about himself? Thank you, next.
Narcissistic personality disorder is tricky because narcissists can be super charming at first, but obviously, not every charmer is a narcissist. If he’s self-obsessed and only cares about his own needs, that’s a major red flag. It could lead to a relationship rife with manipulation, emotional abuse, or worse.
NPD is incredibly difficult to treat in therapy, and it requires years of immense dedication to the therapeutic process.
Not your job. Not your problem. That’s a deal breaker, honey.
14. No anger management
You deserve to feel completely safe in your relationships. If he doesn’t have a handle on his emotional regulation and displays any indications of anger, outbursts, or physical abuse, it’s time to get out.
15. A hot mess (but not in a hot way)
If he struggles to organize his life, feed himself properly, and keep a job (or if he struggles with substance abuse), it’s worth keeping an eye out. None of this means he’s a bad person, but if you feel more like his parent than his partner, he’s better off sparking up a nice working relationship with a therapist.
16. Tearing you down
Is he overly critical or judgmental of you? Do you feel worse about yourself after you’ve spent time with him? Healthy relationships should boost your self-esteem, not tear it down. Negging has no place here.
Whether he doesn’t trust you or you can’t trust him, those are red flags flying. Plenty of us have been hurt before, and there’s room in new relationships to rebuild trust, but it’s not your job to heal his wounds.
Some people think jealousy just means their partner cares, but excessive jealousy and possessiveness are unhealthy. Bonus negative points if he’s clingy because he’s trying to ensure you aren’t spending time with other guys.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic meant to make you question your own memory, judgment, and sanity. Run the second he tries to deny your basic observations.
20. Communication kibosh
He’s emotionally unavailable, doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, can’t do emotional intimacy, and thinks you’re too needy for wanting any of these things. He would benefit from a therapist to work through those hang-ups before getting into a relationship.
21. All his exes are “craaazy”
It’s funny how all of his relationships ended badly, yet it was somehow never his fault. He definitely wasn’t the common denominator in any of those break-ups, and you totally won’t be his next “crazy” ex… as long as you get out before it gets to that point.
22. Double standards
He hates it when you’re late but constantly keeps you waiting. Or he can justify his own infidelity, but yours would be inexcusable. Or he does whatever he wants but controls how you spend your time. Yikes.
23. Your wins are his losses
Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader. If you find yourself dating someone who views your success as a threat, he is not the one.
24. He’s always the victim
He acts like the whole world is out to get him, especially when you ask for accountability. He finds a way to garner your pity, even when he messes up. It’s a no-win situation.
25. Energy vampire
Do you feel exhausted after spending time with him? Relationships should enrich your life, not drain your energy. There are way better things he could suck than your vibes, and you know it.
Get a good one on Grindr
Relationships are always complicated, but if red flags are flying left and right, it’s time to raise your white flag and call the whole thing off. You shouldn’t stay with anybody who can’t compromise and won’t respect you. Nobody deserves to be stuck in an abusive relationship.