Dear Dad: Winter Grab Bag
My BF is having a hard time Cumming lately. He says it isn’t me and I’m trying not to take it personal but it’s making me feel insecure. Is there anything I can say or do?
To cum or not to cum, that is the predicament. On one hand, I truly do believe that everyone goes through periods where their sexual libido is lower than usual. I myself have had full years where I simply wasn’t in the mood. On the other hand, it sounds like you’re actively having sex and he can’t cum, which is a bird of a different feather.
Some men already have high orgasm thresholds (the length of time it takes to cum) so if/when certain life variables add more to that threshold, it can seem impossible to climax. The first thing to do is see if he can orgasm by himself—usually people with high thresholds find it much easier to produce an orgasm when they’re by themselves. If he can make himself cum, albeit with some sweat and hard work, then you both need to adjust to what is arousing him when he’s by himself and adapt it to your shared sex life.
How does your partner masturbate? Are they watching porn? Thinking of a memory? Using a prostate stimulator? Make sure you get a good sense of his arousal process during his one-on-one time.
Once you get back to the bedroom integrate the ways he arouses himself and allow yourself plenty of time for foreplay. The most exciting part of penetrative sex is right when you/they enter. Whether your partner is a top or a bottom, you’ll want to get them as highly aroused as possible before you start intercourse to ensure they reach climax.
Work with your partner and communicate your needs and you should have them back squirting like a fountain in no time.
My partner of 4 years just told me that he voted for Trump. I’m so horrified. I knew he had some conservative views but I never thought he’d do this. Is it crazy to break up with him?
Your partner voted for someone who is actively harming the queer community—that includes you. I don’t like to tell people what to do in such a straightforward “yes” or “no” way, but bb, welcome to singlehood.
I am 35 years old and have never had a serious relationship, is something wrong with me?
—Party for one
Um, no. That’s the first part of my answer. Nothing is wrong with you. There’s no prescriptive formula for how to live a life, and as queer people we definitely don’t have to fall into the antiquated ideology that a romantic relationship equates to success in any way.
Let me ask you something, do you have meaningful friendships? Do you have family members you care about? A romantic partnership can be a beautiful thing, but it is not the only “serious” relationship that there is in the world.
Single people are not pariahs of society that must be kept hidden from the eyes of partnered people and nuclear families. Being single is a valid lifestyle.
I know many people who having dated around find that they’re happiest when they’re single. I also know people who thought they’d be single forever and find a partner in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s.
A partner can be a wonderful addition to a person’s life, and they can be a spawn sent from hell to torture you to your core. It’s all relative. It’s your life. If you end up finding a partner, great. If you’re single, fabulous. No matter what, I know this is true—no one can make you happy—a party for one is all you need.
I just moved to Portland and I haven’t had sex in a couple months and am ready but idk anyone…what should I do?
—Horny and New
Now, because you’re writing to me I know that you know what the app Grindr is and what it does. So let’s start there. Get on the app, look around your new city, and say hi to people who you’re interested in. I’ve been to Portland and let me tell you, the homosexuals there are on all the apps. Make connections and go on dates (maybe virtual dates for now) and you’ll slowly begin to build a community of friends, friends with benefits, sex partners, romantic partners, and probably a few acquaintances who randomly know how to juggle.
Now, let’s talk precautions…
No, I’m not going to give you the PrEP talk, I’m referring to COVID-19. We are at a critical point where America is worse off than it was in April. Please be careful. Try meeting someone virtually over FaceTime or Video Chat first, get tested regularly, and follow your state’s safety protocols etc.