Whorescopes: Pisces Szn
Mercury is retrograding throughout half of Pisces Szn, but guess what? Mother Monster Lady Gaga is back with the new single “Stupid Love” and she’s announced a new album #CHROMATICA, so like, maybe retrograde should happen more often? Get ready Little Monsters, this edition of WHORESCOPES is Gaga-themed!
Pisces finds stupid love
Whilst retrograde negatively affects the other girls, you rise like a salmon swimming upstream—nothing can hold you back during your bday szn. As Jenna Maroney once said, "Drama is like gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes."
Love: All you ever wanted was love, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you broke a few hearts this szn. But as for your heart? It’ll take more than a handsome daddy with a 401k to make you fall (not me though, give me his number).
Lust: You want “Stupid Love” but you’re getting “Dumb Sex.” When the sun enters Aries on the 19th, you’ll be looking to try out a new kink. There’s nothing sexier to a Pisces than a Scorpio or Taurus with an open mind, a line of rope, and an expansive knowledge of Nicole Kidman’s filmography.
Friendships: Retrograde makes the other signs freak out (freak out, freak out), but your emotional intuitiveness will help you stand out as a natural leader and bring you closer to your friends this szn. Once you have them right where you want them, they’ll have to hear about your dream last night where you were floating in an isolation tank with Tilda Swinton.
Work: Mars is in Capricorn making it rain down coins like you’re the Trevi fountain. Well-earned, sis. Use that money wisely now, don’t get stupid.
Aries erases a perfect illusion
Pisces szn is asking you to drop all the masks you wear in your daily life: at work, home, the grocery store, laundromat (I don’t know where ppl go anymore). This is a time for deeper self-knowledge, but the question is: how deep can you take it?
Love: Take a look at the demands you place on yourself and on others. Are you asking too much, without equal reciprocation? Or cutting yourself off so you won’t get hurt? Past is prologue my dear, and the only way to move forward is to understand how you got where you are.
Lust: When Mercury enters Pisces on the 16th your raging emotions will need to be released, and it will take a handsome companion with an acute understanding of your body to help you reach orgasmic emotional depths. If you ain’t crying when you climax, you ain’t doing it right.
Friendships: Communication is on hiatus for half of Pisces szn, so tread lightly with your girls. You might feel unappreciated, but in reality your girls always have your back.
Work: You’re in the flow of work rn. Use this natural enthusiasm to propel you to new career heights.
Taurus takes comfort in her Grigio girls
This retrograde has you spinning out, yung bull. Put down the blonde hair dye and call up your Grigios—everything is gonna be alright.
Love: Even though Venus is in Taurus, your love life won’t be at the top of the charts this month. Enjoy the love you share with your friends instead. They will guide you through this szn of change by ordering the Ubers, letting you monologue incessantly, and carrying you home drunk.
Lust: Touch yourself to pass the time this month—sometimes being lonely can feel good. When was the last time you used that prostate massager? Baby, you could use the serotonin boost.
Friendships: Your girls will help you pull through this month, but after retrograde ends you’re going to be owing some favors (not, like, sexual favors—think dinners). Although...Taurus is known for being a kai kai king.
Work: Mars is in Capricorn, helping you thrive at the workplace. Focusing on work can help you clear your head on other matters.
Gemini wants that money honey
Mars in Capricorn is making you wanna marry an old dude, convince him to put you in his will, and then inherit his wealth after he dies (from old age).
Love: Love is for suckers, ain’t that right girls? Nothing like Gemini to take love and make a game out of it. But that’s what you’re up to this szn, and when it comes to games you're like Adam Rippon—everyone's favorite but not quite gold.
Lust: Maybe if you quit chasing coin you’d actually find some sexual chemistry. SMDH.
Friendships: You’re usually rather blunt, but this szn you’re like a hammer—if you’ve got something sensitive to say to your friends, take a deep breath and think of ways to soften before impact.
Work: You’re working all the angles this month, Gemini, but it’s only when you slow it down that you can truly see what you’re working for.
Cancer is on the edge of glory
You’ve been edging towards fulfillment all year and finally, at last, Pisces szn is here to give you that long-awaited sweet release.
Love: When Venus enters Taurus on the 4th you might want to get back with the ol’ ex-boyfriend. There’s something about you and this guy, but what could it be?
Lust: There ain’t no reason for you to be alone tonight baby—you’re in your prime, the cosmos is aligned, and your buss is absolutely dripping with carnal anticipation. LET THEM HAVE IT.
Friendships: Hey, girl. Though retrograde tends to put a disturbance in the force, you’re in fifth harmony with your boos.
Work: Your hard work will pay off in the end, but it ain’t the end just yet bb.
Leo finds a heavy metal lover
This szn finds Leo in the right astrological position (doggystyle) to find romance. Sure, you could be his girl, but would he love you if you ruled the world?
Love: Of all the zodiac signs, you’re the most due for romantic love and I couldn’t be happier for you, lioness. Remember that in all romantic relationships there is a star and an audience member...but the audience member doesn’t need to know that.
Lust: Sex is different when you’re in love—a reveal rather than a performance—and you’re not used to this type of lovemaking, but it will help you evolve to your next level.
Friendships: Be nice to your friends, girl! Everyone is sensitive right now. Your blunt ass always causes havoc during retrograde.
Work: Hit the pause button on work and enjoy your bad romance, you’ve earned it.
Virgo was born this way
You’ve evolved a lot this past year, but once a Virgo, always a Virgo—and this month sees you falling in love with yourself all over again.
Love: Aquarius szn knocked you down a few pegs, but Pisces szn has you back on top, riding life like the power bttm that you are. Remember what Gaga taught the children: “There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are, bc he made you perfect babe.”
Lust: When you look this good. When you feel this good. Why wouldn’t you be pulling tail like you’re Sean Ford in the boy’s locker room?
Friendships: You need to celebrate with your peeps this szn. There’s nothing that’ll bring the girls together like a house party soundtracked by DJ y-o-u. I know I’ll be requesting “Scheiße” and you better play it, ho.
Work: Work life makes its return this month in a bold new way. You’re on the right track, baby, you were—well, you get it.
Libra writes a bad romance
Venus in Taurus puts the passion back in Libra’s loins. Get your pen and paper queen, bc this Pisces szn you’re about to write a bad romance.
Love: Love and lust blend together this month (like a Haus Labs blush) to create a chemical reaction so intense that it’ll alter the course of your entire szn, month, year, omg life?
Lust: Sex this szn will be so bad it’s good—depraved, twisted, sickening, and absolute bliss. Use this new fella to try out the role playing you’ve been wanting to try. Oh, I’ve got a fun idea: you be Gaga and he’ll be Jo Calderone. Hot.
Friendships: Oh honey you won’t be seeing anything but your bedroom ceiling this month, but you will have an influx of voicemails—call your mom back for goddess’s sake.
Work: You’ll be daydreaming most of the day, but you’re in a positive aspect for work life. Maybe this new love will inspire you to finally get some shit done.
Scorpio goes full Joanne
Girl, where do you think you’re going? Pisces szn is asking you to take a look at the directions you’ve taken recently and remind yourself of who you really are.
Love: This is a time of self-love. If you’re feeling confused about the next steps to take in your life, the best thing you can do is sit with yourself and let the answer come—and once it comes, then you can.
Lust: You are the horniest sign in the zodiac, but even you need periods of rest—Pisces szn is asking you to take a step back from your libido. Not the whole szn, calm down. A week. Okay, fine, a weekend.
Friendships: Your friends may not understand what you’re going through rn. Be patient with them and then when retrograde leaves on the 16th y’all can grab a few drinks and spill the tonic.
Work: Work life is relatively good, if a little chaotic. Don’t make any rash decisions until retrograde comes to an end.
Sagittarius lives for the applause
Ay, it’s a win this szn for Sagittarius, and you are absolutely lapping up the praise.
Love: You know how in rom-coms ppl meet in cafes and on the street while they’re randomly walking to work? Like, who actually does that? Well, actually, you do. That boy who bumps into you and spills your coffee? That’s your future husband.
Lust: I so respect that this heightened confidence is causing you to absolutely ride D like you’re at the Kentucky Derby. The chaotic vers in me sees and cherishes the chaotic vers in you.
Friendships: You’re radiating so much charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent that your friends might think you’re acting like a cunt. Do me a favor and make sure you share the spotlight.
Work: Now that you’re back on top it’s time to take charge of the office: show off that project you’ve been editing forever, give a speech about equality in the workplace, change the coffee filters. Your efforts will not go unnoticed.
PCapricorn unveils her artpop
Your Artpop could mean anything, but I know what it means to me—you’re moving past your fear and into your creative mind.
Love: Love takes many forms, and this szn it’s taking the form of your creativity. Whatever it is that’s gestating in your creative womb has you excited and filled with life. Keep at it and let this abundant joy fill you.
Lust: Painting is cute and all, but we still need to get dicked down, am I right ladies? I’m right. It might be fun this szn to paint your man’s cock, or ooooOOoo take some sexy polaroids with a gaggle of bttms. You can’t imagine what a vintage polaroid will do for a hole pic.
Friendships: You’re ready to gush to your friends about your latest project, but unfortunately they might not fully understand it quite yet. Wait for the right time to unveil your passion projects.
Work: The work you do this month will be some of the most important in your life—continue this natural excitement to accomplish your creative goals.
Aqua gives hair body face
Aquarius is holding onto her birthday zeal and serving Pantene Pro-V shine. When you’re a triple-threat the other zodiacs can get a little envious, but if you know how to work it, everyone will be happy for you.
Love: Your love life is a little rocky this month until after retrograde. Your partner sees your new confidence as something that’s distancing you two—try and do something special to let him know you care. car sex?
Lust: There’s something about falling in love with yourself that just makes you so damn horny. But you’ve got lust to share—invite a third over to show off your...confidence.
Friendships: You’ve been feeling yourself a lot lately, but sometimes your friends just want to see the human side. Get vulnerable and let them know there’s a lot more than just cheekbones behind those voluminous locks.
Work: Work is hectic this szn. Put on your undereye, pomade those tresses, dress to impress, and give ‘em hell kid.