Whorescopes: Sagittarius Szn

You know why I love Sagittarius szn so much? I love mess. And here she is, the centaur goddess herself, set to bring some much needed stank into this year of unbridled horror. This is the szn to add some freak to your sheets, some wild to your times, and some delight to your afternoon. Of course the Grammys announced their nominees during Sagittarius szn...they are messy girls who live for drama. Jump in to see what other messiness the cosmos has in store for you...

Folkwhores

Love: If only love were enough, darling Sag. Oh, I know you’re happy with your man—you love watching rugby with his school friends, and when he shows you Hackney, but Venus opposing Uranus this szn makes you wanna shake it up and shake it off.

Lust: When you’re sick of having sex with the ol’ ball and chain, the trick is to have them act like they’re someone else. Yes, we’re talking roleplay. Since this is your szn, might I suggest a casual meeting in the woods? Alexa, play “Cardigan.”

Friendships: Miss Rona won’t let you have your usual Friendsgiving, and you’ll be feeling friendship pangs all month. It’s rough, but you’ve still got OnlyFans.

Work: Mercury is allowing you access to the most productive parts of yourself, but just imagine the credit you’d get from your bosses if you were The Man.

Ready For The Weeknd

Love: Venus enters Scorpio on the 21st, leaving you lusting for a party in the hills where a young stud leads you into the bathroom and rips your clothes off and takes you right then and there. Oh wait, this is your love section...

Lust: You are horned up and ready for some after hours shenanigans. The sun in Sagittarius creates a perfect mood for dim lights, tight ropes, and so many poppers that you can’t feel your face.

Friendships: After a blow to your work life, your friends will reach out and be there for you—you might even hear from someone in your past that you never thought you’d talk to again. Check your DMs because I know you got his ass blocked.

Work: Mercury is coming through this month to shed light on some shadiness at work...sit back and wait for karma to do her thing, you earned it.

How’d You Like Them Apples?

Love: You want them to love you, but what are you doing to show your affection? The eclipse in Gemini asks you what boundaries are worth bending. You don’t want to shadowbox with someone you actually care about.

Lust: When the sun enters Sagittarius you wanna be bad...almost criminal. Allow these desires to express themselves with cuffs and whips and chains in the bedroom. Being a bad girl never felt so good.

Friendships: Mercury in Neptune is allowing your creativity to flourish and helping you sync with creative partners. Now is the time for that duet you’ve been dreaming about...

Work: As we close the year we begin to look back at what worked and what didn’t. You worked, and your co-workers didn’t. Keep that in mind.

l'cHaim!

Love: The last retrograde led you to explore what it is you want in your love life, and Sagittarius szn has finally revealed that it’s...you. Here’s to life, here’s to love, here’s to loving yourself.

Lust: Lots of 3am horny wet dreams about ex-flames and future husbands this szn. I might recommend a quick solo session first thing in the morning so you can focus.

Friendships: They’re leaning on you, but who are you leaning on? Now is the time to examine the give and take in your friendships.

Work: You alone know how hard you work, but it might be time to express yourself. Let the bosses see your impact and celebrate yourself every damn day.

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Doing it with style

Love: Mercury, the planet of communication, is asking you to think about others’ needs. This might be new for you, darling ram, so do take it step by step...day by day...

Lust: Pluto and Jupiter require you to take initiative this szn. If you want him to eat your watermelon sugar, you’re going to have to ask nicely.  

Friendships: Mercury is allowing a deep and thoughtful connection with old friends this szn. Though your heart pangs for new love, friends are really the cherry on top of life.

Work: You’re deeply connected to your work life right now and the flow is good. This is your golden age. Don’t stop.

If you say so...

Love: Scorpio szn was about reconnecting with old flames, but Sagittarius szn is all about moving on to new frontiers. You want new love? Why didn’t you say so?

Lust: You’re used to being top dog but in this new relationship you’re likely to be the bottom bitch. My advice? I’d start training your hole with a butt plug, now.

Friendships: You’re preoccupied this month, but when you get raw-dogged on the 30th you’re gonna want to spill over a FaceTime call to the O.G’s.

Work: You’re putting in a lot of hours this month trying to take that dick. But don’t forget to clock out once that man leaves. And when he’s gone for the holiday? Cyber sex.

Gemini’s Ungodly Hour

Love: Romantic love is cute, but you’re ready to get drop dead gorgeous. This szn is throwing cash your way like you’re a drag queen performing to a live audience the first day bars open back up after the vaccine.

Lust: You girls have one thing on your mind: doing it. You have to admit, it’s been a while since you got between those two sheets, so get a lil tipsy first and enjoy the ride.

Friendships: You are grinding this szn, both work and the pole, so don’t worry about being a little out of touch with your girls, you’ll be back soon to discuss the D.

Work: Neptune retrogrades in your career house, letting you imagine the possibilities of your next chapter and the consequences of your previous chapter. Don’t make it harder on yourself, just accept and move on.

The Punisher

Love: This year has had so many ups and downs that it’s not surprising you’ve got a bit of motion sickness. No need to decide anything about your love life rn, you know in the end it’ll work out how it needs to.

Lust: You deserve a dalliance, and Mercury is working to connect you to a fun new mate to play with. Pluto is asking you to spice up your sex life in new ways—stop the savior complex and let a man boss you around a bit.

Friendships: Mercury helps you trust in your friends this holiday period and shows you that friend love is just as deep as any romance.

Work: Pluto and Jupiter are asking you to speak your mind at work. You’ve seen the smoke signals—say something before you see the fire.

Oh Beyhave!

Love: The lunar eclipse on the 30th has you craving a romantic partner. It can be hard for a savage like you to open yourself up to a romance, but I think you’ve found someone who just might do the trick...

Lust: You’ve had a horny month—there’s just something about post-retrograde that makes you want to practice your downward facing dog with a man behind you. Do yourself a favor and stretch every night before bed.

Friendships: You’re feeling a little jealous of your friends for some reason this szn. Pluto has you in your feelings, but just remember that everyone has their own problems.

Work: You dream it, you work hard, you grindr it, till you own it. You are aligned and ready to take on the workplace. Just don’t scare the interns with your renewed vigor.

Peep This

Love: When Neptune ends its retrograde you’ll be wondering if you’re still all happy and in love. You’re not hallucinating, this love affair has just reached its end, but don’t worry, you’ll love again.

Lust: Time to get physical. You know what helps getting over someone? Getting under someone else. You might be bad, but you’re good in bed.

Friendships: Jupiter is helping you reach out to your rich friends for a few small favors...don’t forget to ask pretty please.

Work: Now is the time to forgive your co-worker for eating your leftovers and making peace by taking a few of his advent calendar chocolates.

1000 Duhs

Love: You’re not having fun this szn. A blossoming romance might flop from Pluto’s pull. You don’t need a stupid love rn, just let it go.

Lust: Sex is a way for you to escape your bad mood this month. Just remember to freshen up your downstairs, you don’t want that ass tasting like sour candy.

Friendships: There’s nothing like being a free woman to reconnect you with your girls. Plan a Zoom party and don’t forget to mute yourself when you wanna talk shit.  

Work: When it rains on you, it pours. You’ve got financial problems and work problems and romance difficulties and ETC. Take a breath, next szn is bringing you a whole new way of life. Until then? Look for a sign from above.

Scorpio Gets Body-ody-ody-odied

Love: Good news! When Venus enters Sagittarius your WAP is on fire. Douse it with some love-making from your main man. Or your side piece. Whichever.

Lust:  You are a freaky girl who don’t stop. This szn is asking you to take control of your sex life and...dare I say...top??

Friendships: You and your hot girls are clowning all Sagittarius szn. If you wind up in the same room with your bestie and some trade, my advice is: just don’t kiss your girl.

Work: The only work you are doing is *working it*. Spell your name on the dick and keep climbing that corporate ladder, sweetie!