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Whorescopes: Aquarius Szn

See what’s in Cupid’s cards for you…
Phillip Henry
Guest Writer
July 15, 2024
min. read
Whorescopes: Aquarius Szn
Table of Contents

It’s Aquarius szn and while we don’t condone violence, Cupid needs to shoot the hell out of all of us!


Love: There’s no better way to secure your future than to increase your age range on the apps. You’re one tap away from the toxicity you’ve been craving in Nate Jacobs’ dad.

Lust: Discourse this and discourse that. It’s time you serve disCOURSE of that ass.

Friendships: It’s never too late to pick yourself up when you’re tired. The dark room in a seedy bar is the perfect place. You can make the best of friends in the darkest places.

Work: No one worked harder than you last year, except for maybe the casting director of “The Gilded Age.” Get that bonus you’re entitled to or you’ll be watching society from the sidelines.


Love: Biden will bring back student loan payments soon. Let’s find you someone who always pays the check.

Lust: You have a 4.0 GPA: Good Pussy Aura, now go share it with the top of your class.

Friendships: You can’t complain that you and your friends have nothing to do together when there’s a new episode of “Drag Race” released every 7 minutes. You can’t ALL be caught up.

Work: Finding a sugar daddy sounds like extra work, but at least you don’t have to pay taxes on them. If the wealthy can avoid taxes, the least you can do is set yourself up to avoid working!


Love: Hot tubs are for having sex, Cassie. Don’t let these men make you cry and throw up at the same time. This isn’t “Euphoria.”

Lust: Just because Mercury is in retrograde, doesn’t mean your sex life has to be. That ass is not going to eat itself.

Friendships: Your gays have been a little distant and it’s time to bring the family back together. The family that slays together, stays together. That’s how it goes, right?

Work: Listen, 2022 is about leaving things behind that don’t serve you well. And your annoying boss hasn’t been serving you for quite some time. Ask for resume tips on Slack and watch the office frenzy.


Love: You’re as stubborn in love as you are in everything else. ForGIVE him so you can forGET some dick.

Lust: Rules are made to be broken and, coincidentally, you’ve always had issues submitting to authority. Whip out those handcuffs and show him who’s boss.

Friendship: It’s tax season. Use that refund to start making some purchases! There’s a weekend in Miami with y’all’s names on it.

Work: You never have to find work because work is always finding you. Those new opportunities you’re offered this month might just be your way out.


Love: Can’t believe he didn’t fall in love with the personality you created just for him. Oh well, time to create another!

Lust: A laugh in the bedroom makes the sex better. Let him know that sex with you is always a threesome since you have two faces.

Friendships:  As the days are getting longer, your patience for the bullsh*t is coming up short.  You don’t have to keep hanging out with people who you don’t really like. You’ll find another HBO Max login.

Work: Capitalism is hell. Douche for your post-work hookup on company time!


Love: If you don’t put yourself back out there, you’ll never be able to find the level of happiness Rihanna has found in not making new music for us. Text him!

Lust: If there’s one thing you do well, it’s glowing up out of revenge. So what if he didn’t like you, his ex boyfriend probably does.

Friendships: Your friends have been showing up for you in more ways than one all month. Now it’s time for you to show up for them. A hosted dinner goes a long way, and their stomachs could use something other than margaritas for once.

Work: You’re crushing it at work, but some new operational changes are about to throw you for a loop. Don’t worry, once we’re out of Mercury retrograde, you’ll also be out of complaints.


Love: Sure, you’re single this Valentine’s Day, but you love yourself so much it doesn’t even matter. Have dinner for one in front of a mirror and you’ll be the perfect couple.

Lust: There’s power in numbers and you’ve always loved being the leader of a group. Organize an orgy in the name of St. Valentine.

Friendships: I know you think “The Golden Girls” theme song is about being friends with you, but don’t be surprised when people don’t serve what you want on a silver platter. You’ve got to give too.

Work: Babe, the boots you’ve had bookmarked for two months are never going on sale. You’ll have to work harder to afford them. Capitalism is a b*tch, but you’ll be the baddest one in those.


Love: You’d schedule your sneezes and hiccups if you could, but dating is about going with the flow. Keep being so uptight and he’ll set you loose for good.

Lust: A bright smile and a fat ass is your best defense against financial ruin. That’s why you’ll never be poor!

Friendships: I know it’s the new year and you’re a new you, but you still have to actually wrap up the dramatic storylines you‘ve set into motion. You’re not Ryan Murphy!

Work: Top notch bag security is such a high priority for you that you might as well be nicknamed the NSA. Just keep the top secret stuff out of emails or the only clearance you’ll know will be your desk drawers.



Love: In 2022, we’re not getting mad, we’re getting even. If he doesn’t text back, text his roommate. I bet he’ll respond when you’re being served breakfast right down the hallway.

Lust: The only thing better than a big d*ck is a bigger bank account. Luckily you’ll be getting deposits from both.

Friendship: You’re feeling a little low this month, but that’s nothing a dramatic housewives dinner and “Drag Race” can’t fix. Your girlies won’t be sashaying away anytime soon.

Work: You’re not gonna be able to pay for your summer plans if you keep taking three naps before 2pm. At least do it on Patreon so you can collect the coin!


Love:  Your love life has been more dramatic than Gaga’s “House of Gucci” press tour. Who cares about true love, these stories are making the headlines.

Lust: You’ve never met a man you couldn’t satisfy, but who and what will satisfy you? Ask God for a sign, maybe he’ll send it to you while you’re on your knees.

Friendships: Having a lot of friends doesn’t mean you’ve been great at being one! Check in on them even when you don’t need anything, or they’ll be checking out!

Work: Whenever you feel overwhelmed by the amount of work you’ve got on your plate, remember you’re only working about 10% as much as Pete Davidson’s d*ck has been.


Love: When you’re feeling down and out just remember, what that guy won’t do for you, his father might!

Lust: There’s nobody tougher than you right now and you should put that to the test. Just like New York City, you’re capable of taking 8-12 inches without whining about it!

Friendships:  The Coachella lineup has been announced and you’re here instead of organizing all the gays in the group chat. FOCUS!

Work: Working 3 jobs may be good for your bank account but it’s costing your sanity. A stressed out person can’t make good shopping choices.


Love:  Pokemon Legends Arceus is fun but it can’t eat your ass! At least have him over to do that while you catch ‘em all.

Lust: Dry January is over, it’s time to get the hole sopping wet…and I don’t mean with booze!

Friendships: A good rimjob also includes those on a spicy margarita. You’ve got lots of tea to spill and it’s best you do it over happy hour.

Work: Listen, you’ve been too kind and direct. We are not “following up or circling back,” tell your work nemesis she can figure it out on her own!


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