Whorescopes: Cancer Szn 2021
Don’t get in your feelings, it’s just Cancer szn! After a summer of sin, it’s time to reflect on how that makes you feel. Cuddle up with your lover and talk about the deep stuff: Fire Island ferries, the gay cold, open relationships, or whatever. The celestial alignment is causing emotional breakthroughs and physical brokebacks. Enjoy!
How cancer got her freak back
Love: Take a break from your everyday habit of imagining yourself in situations you’ll never be in to pay attention to the situations you’re actually in. There are plenty of men heading your way—get out your emotional sorting hat and put them into houses.
Lust: Girl, the ocean was literally on fire. TEXT HIM.
Friendships: Whether it’s low tea or high tea or Ty tea, you and your girlies are gonna be spilling it all month long. Be careful though, you know you’re always the one who has to clean up the mess.
Work: Take advantage of your good fortune career wise right now! Your new opportunities are going to be a lot more work than you expected. No need to be super formal about it, you can make moves right from your couch. Alexa, play “Work From Home” by Fifth Harmony.
Leo minds her business
Love: It’s a struggle being an ingenue. You’ve never been a supporting role in your life and that’s because everyone always sees you as the lead. Don’t worry baby, you’re about to get your box office SMASHED.
Lust: Don’t let a little dry spell on your Serengeti get you down. Remember, Lion, you threw the first roar at Pride Rock.
Friendships: I know you wanna save everyone you love from making mistakes, but remember minding your business is free and you love being fiscally responsible!
Work: Teamwork makes the dream work, but not if everyone isn’t pulling their weight. Don’t hold back on Slack—now is not the time for you to be carrying others. Carrying on the dancefloor, only.
Virgo gets all that ass
Love: You’ve been spicing it up recently and you deserve it. As poet laureate Roxie Hart once said: “You can like the life you’re living. You can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry but mess around with….Ike!”
Lust: You’ve been a bit reserved this summer but what you really need is to channel your capacity to help others...unload. Remember “A journey of 1000 loads starts with a single top” -Shel Silverstein
Friendships: You may wake up with a friend between your sheets this month. Don’t be alarmed! Like the saying goes, “If you can’t fuck your friends, how the hell you gonna fuck somebody else?!” That’s how it goes right? RIGHT?!?
Work: This month, it’s time to convert WPM to BPM. Clock out and shut off as early as you can every Friday. There’s a dancefloor with your name on it.
Libra Beach 2k20
Love: Like a blacklight on your undergrad bed sheets, the new moon is gonna illuminate some new things in your life. You’ll see some men in a new light, and they’ll be seeing you...with the lights off.
Lust: “Climb ev’ry mountain. Ride ev’ry D. Huff every popper. Until you feel relief” -Mutha Abbess
Friendships: Your connection to others is important. Don’t let men come between you! Remember, friendship is like a beach: there are high tides, there are low tides, and, for a small portion of every year, a few drunk men trample all over it.
Work: There’s a lot coming your way this month. You’re gonna be ridden hard and put away wet, but not in the way you’re used to. Leverage that into an extra day or two (or twenty) off.
Scorpio was at her lowest…
Love: Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and the tyranny of fuckboys. Experiencing one out of three this month ain’t too bad!!
Lust: This month you’ll be offered so many unlimited toppings and foot longs you’ll think you’re at Subway. But be picky, you know you’re a gorl who loves high quality meat.
Friendships: You’re feeling a little vengeful this month and that’s okay. Like the saying goes: keep your friends close and your enemies uglier than you.
Work: Every time you wanna complain about how much work you have this month, remember your Pride month credit card statements can see you planning more trips you can barely afford.
Sagittarius comes clean
Love: You’re a giving person, but this month I beg you to be a little more selfish. You deserve a Fire-Island-Fuckboy-who-will-ruin-your-summer to call your own! No matter what your friends say!!
Lust: Mercury may be out of retrograde, but your sex drive is in full bloom. Open up those petals, you beautiful flower, and let yourself be pollinated.
Friendships: They say “sharing is caring” and “cleanliness is next to godliness.” No better way to do both than to hit the local bathhouse with your friends.
Work: You may be returning to in person office work this month after a long time working from home. Stay sharp. Like “Survivor,” you’ll need to Outwit, Outplay and Outlast.
Capricorn bares her full moon
Love: There’s a full moon this month. Fitting because you’ve been showing your ass. Calm down queen, every minor inconvenience from the person you’re seeing doesn’t need to be a war. Keep it up and you’ll be an army of one.
Lust: You’ll be taking more loads than a Maytag (lower back tattoo idea?) this month. Just don’t skip the rinse cycle, queen!
Friendships: This month is all about chemistry. I’m not talking about between you and some man whose name you don’t remember, I’m talking chemistry between you, your besties, and a crowded dance floor.
Work: You’re generally so diligent and focused. Invite some chaos in this month. Start a Slack channel to vent about your boss, say to your office nemesis “I don’t care what anyone else says, I think you’re good at your job,” or show up to an important meeting in a work from home outfit! Things are on your side!
Aqua gives free rides
Love: You’ve got more men on your roster right now than a Major League Baseball team. Make sure you’re handling your best players with grace or you’ll be the one who strikes out.
Lust: Are you the United States during the late 19th century? Cause you’ve been getting railed from sea to shining sea! Everyone wants to ride in your caboose.
Friendship: You wanna keep a firm grasp on everyone and everything this month. No need to overdo it though, you’ve always got both hands on the steering wheel. Now shut up and drive
Work: The new job or project at work has you feeling stressed about your ability to balance it all. Don’t fret, Mary. Remember who you are. Alexa, play “Boss Ass Bitch.”
Pisces gets a cute nickname
Love: I know you wanna invite every man who has ever been nice to you on your trip to Ptown this month, but there are men there, queen. Don’t bring sand to the beach!
Lust: This month your nickname is cupcake cause you’ll be fluffy, light, and covered in cream.
Friendship: The new moon may bring some revelations your way. Don’t be upset when you find out someone who is topping you is bottoming for your friend. Versatility is the spice of life!
Work: Indecisive coworkers will have you ready to pop off. Just remember you’re not responsible for their personal erectile dysfunction, though it will make everything for you so hard.
Aries can’t host
Love: Just like your Grindr subscription the possibilities are unlimited for you this month. Take some time to ask yourself a very difficult question: what are you looking for?
Lust: This month your sex life is like the House of Abundance. You’ll be walking every category (cause you can’t host), but you’ll be getting tens across the board.
Friendship: Therapy is expensive but unloading on your friends is free. It may cost them emotionally, but you’re not in the business of counting other people’s money!
Work: Money is great right now and you’ll be returning to in-person work. Buy yourself some outfits so stunning they’ll be wondering if you’re getting paid more than they are!
Taurus has a hot Bull summer
Love: You may be a bull, but there’s no time for bullshit this month. Declare your intentions or let that man ride off into the sunset.
Lust: I know you can’t hear the FDA advisory over the sound of your RUSH bottle opening and you know what? Good for you. Like Walt Whitman once said, “Every second hole is a goal!”
Friendships: If you’re thinking you and your friends need a vacation because Pride month made you tired, you’re right! Grab a good Judy and go on an adventure to remember. You never know, maybe a tweet thread about it will become a major motion picture.
Work: You’ve been busy as a bee, honey. But remember you're the queen, the rest of the worker hive will follow your lead!
Gemini’s Mirror Has Two Faces
Love: You may have two faces, but only one heart. Don’t let a man who leaves you on read also leave you in your feelings. Remember who you are! Both faces!
Lust: You’re feeling the Jan-tasy this month. You’re an All Star, baby, but you’ll be proud to finish in any place at the local bathhouse.
Friendships: You have a clear window into everyone else’s problems, but it’s time to turn that window into a mirror, hon. Nothing is wrong, just take a look.
Work: You’ve been wanting to step out and try some things on your own. Go for it now! Remember, you won’t have to climb the corporate ladder if you build one yourself.