Whorescopes: Virgo Szn 2021
Love: You’ve been a bit unlucky in love recently, but don’t let that stop you from rolling the dice. It’s your season, sis! Take that money you’ve been saving and start putting it into sluts...I mean *slots.*
Lust: “Lay low. Spread it wide. Bad gays do it well.” - Henry David Thoreau
Friendships: You’re exploring new options now and that’s great, but you’re not the British. You can’t just go around colonizing new friend groups just because you’re having issues with what you’ve got. Communicate with your friends about how you’re feeling. They (should) want to listen.
Work: You’ve been first in and last out for the past few weeks. While that’s fun at sex parties, it doesn’t feel so great in the office. Cut yourself some slack and pack it up earlier this month, queen!
Love: Babe, listen carefully: YOU CAN’T FIX HIM!
Lust: This month your name is Peanut Butter: You’re thick, spreadable and made of nothing but nuts!
Friendships: They say you’re only as pretty as you treat people and recently you’ve been hideous to quite a few. Clean it up soon or not even a year's supply of Anastasia Beverly Hills will be able to help you.
Work: You’re killing it at work and it seems more opportunities are coming your way. Just don’t forget: the most important thing about climbing the corporate ladder is that you kick it off the ledge when you finally reach the top. That way no one else can get to your level!
Love: You’ve been pushing back dates more than usual. Who do you think you are? The Chromatica Ball? Meet up with him, he’s not gonna keep pushing Replay.
Lust: Our forebottoms didn’t get their backs blown out in powdered wigs for you to be shutting out your blessings. Say yes to him, go for what you want, and prosper.
Friendships: This month, your friends have been dropping more bombs on you than a World War II film, but that doesn’t mean you need to return fire. A diplomatic approach will help you to salvage what’s left amongst the rubble.
Work: If you take your laptop on vacation this month so that you can work, we will be showing your Close Friends stories to your parents. That’s not a threat, it’s a promise!
Love: In your dating life right now you’re looking for more strings than a harp. Just don’t let everyone hear all your crazy notes too soon or you’ll be playing a solo show to an audience of none.
Lust: You love to be in the know and people love to be in...you. Your legs will be raised more than “awareness” this month and thank goodness cause Cancer season didn’t give you the respect you deserve.
Friendships: This month is all about bonding and there’s no better way to do that than through shared hatred of someone else. Text your bestie and devise an evil plan you’ll never go through with. It’s the thought that counts!
Work: You’re feeling a bit chaotic at work this week, but control your urge for office gossip. If you wanna be rebellious, douche on the clock, but it’s not the time to start fires you can’t put out.
Love: It may take two to tango, but it only takes one of you to make a mess. Tighten up your moves so that you and your partner can be dancing in sync again.
Lust: Be the Demon Twink that you wish to see in the world.
Friendships: All men do is lie, cheat, and waste your time. That’s all your friends do too, but at least they don’t make it your problem. Except that one time...and that other time...OH and that other time, but who’s counting? Not you. *Definitely* not you, right?
Work: Your name is not Whitney Houston, so why are you trying to be every woman? Set some workplace boundaries and watch how quickly they’re respected.
Love: These men have been holding you back and you’re ready to sign your own Declaration of Independence. It’s really not your fault that they just don’t understand your core values: Life, Loyalty and The Supremacy of Gaga.
Lust: This month you’ll have more hot men inside you than a Ryan Murphy series, but, unlike his shows, you’re gonna make sure to fill all your holes before the finale.
Friendship: Lockdowns are coming back so it’s best to get your besties safely together as soon as possible. There’s a small men’s bathroom stall in a gay bar calling your names.
Work: Capitalism is a disease and YOU’RE SICK, KIM! Stop checking emails at midnight for a job you’re waking up for in 7 hours!!
Love: Just like a fish, sis, you are easily baited by worms. Be more discerning before you decide to commit anything past what you can actually give.
Lust: This month you’re feeling a vers of all trades but a master of none. Don’t let that feeling get you down. You are the only thing standing in your way. Alexa play “Thot Shit” by Megan The Stallion.
Friendship: You and your friends have shared men, memories, and keys in the back of a dark Uber, but don’t forget to share your true feelings as well. Sharing is caring!
Work: Spend some extra time tidying up your work. A new door may be unlocked for you this month, and it won’t be one of your anon Grindr scenes, babe. Make sure you’re thoroughly prepared for what’s on the other side or you’ll be the one getting f**ked.
Love: You’ve seen this man more times than gays have seen the “House Of Gucci” trailer and yet you won’t commit. If you don’t buy your ticket soon, don’t be surprised when he becomes wide released to other markets.
Lust: You’ve been beating around the bush all summer, but it’s time to get that hedge trimmed. Find a local gardener and let him fertilize your...soil.
Friendship: There’s gonna be a murder podcast about how you and your friends have killed this month, but you’ve still got hot girl thotumn. Pace yourself—only in a gang bang is it nice to finish last.
Work: All that pandemic PTO is not gonna take itself. Book a flight, prepare for take off, and, most importantly, prepare for someone to take YOU!
Love: You’ve been playing so many games, they should call you Hasbro. I know you like keeping your options open, but it’s time to roll the dice and commit or they’ll find someone else to move their piece along the board.
Lust: The only dates you’ve had recently have been wrapped in bacon, but that doesn’t mean you’re not a snack. This month the men will be coming back for seconds and thirds. You’re about to be the whole damn meal.
Friendships: You’ve got a rush of emotions this month that may cause you to push people away. Just because your tears are salty doesn’t mean you have to be. Your friends are only trying to help.
Work: Even though we might be heading back to the office full-time, now is not the time for office etiquette—do those poppers at your desk!
Love: Love is a battlefield and you’re a prisoner of war. Free yourself from that man who has been attacking you on every front. You deserve better. You ARE better.
Lust: Like your Instagram story after you’ve had too many drinks, you’ll be showing the same damn thing from every angle. What we’re saying here is: new month, new nudes!
Friendships: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your friends are all hoes, and you are too.
Work: Yes, Dolly Parton, this 9-5 is driving you crazy. The cause: you’re not connecting with your colleagues. Find a couple of coworkers you can stand, and have a weekend so wild that HR will want to pull you into sensitivity training.
Love: Your love life is about to be renewed. If you’re partnered, you could be looking for a new guest star. If you’re single, it’s time to be the leading lady you’ve always felt you were. Just calm down on the dramatics diva, or you’ll be getting recast.
Lust: You’re a creature of habit, but it’s time to switch it up!!! Whether it’s a new jockstrap or a new brand of poppers, your partners will appreciate a small change that just might hit their spot! Alexa, play “Positions” by Ariana Grande.
Friendships: Just because you go to Devil’s Playground doesn’t mean you always have to be playing with fire. Friendships aren't about being repeatedly burned, they’re about burning your enemies *together.*
Work: These long days are getting you down. We’d just like to remind you that you can set your own hours on JustForFans.
Love: You’re as picky as you are beautiful and it’s been leaving you lonely. Loosen up, lion, and let that f**kboy make your kitty purr.
Lust: After your chaotic season last month, you’re praying to start over. Don’t worry, queen, your prayers will not go unanswered. Get to your knees and begin: Our Bottom, who art in Charlie underwear. Thy top will cum. Thy will be done. On PrEP as it is in Descovy…
Friendships: If friendship were an Olympic sport, we *all* know you’d win the gold. Just stop looking for competition and start celebrating camaraderie.
Work: Lately you’ve felt that the people working *with* you should actually be working *for* you. Maybe it’s finally time to put that venture you’ve been scared to start into action. How's that old capitalist proverb go? “Quit your job, risk everything, and lose your health insurance for a business venture that might ultimately fail”??