Whorescopes: Taurus Szn
If you grab the bull by the horns, don’t be surprised when he bucks.
Love: Mercury may be in retrograde, but love can still be in the air. But be careful, bull. One rough buck can throw things off course. You don’t have to win every fight.
Lust: There’s no business like ho business! And you own 100% of that ass. Now go trade it publicly.
Friendship: You don't need to fly any jets to win over your friends. You can keep it simple, just "Hold [Their] Hand," Gaga.
Work: You’re busy this month and it’s about being a gay-on-the-go. Save time by wearing your jockstrap to work.
Love: No shade but, with the price of groceries right now, are you really in the position to be saying no to free dinners? Text him back!!!
Lust: Tops may come and go (literally, that’s what they do), but sex toys are forever-ish. Expand your pleasure chest and enjoy some self-love.
Friendships: You may be distancing yourself from a few toxic friendships, but at least your multiple personalities can keep you company!
Work: They may pay you to do one thing, but it’s also your job to keep up with “Drag Race” for Twitter. You HAVE to watch “All Stars 7” during that team meeting. You can’t let one job interfere with the other.
Love: Just because the Tony nominations dropped, doesn’t mean your love life needs to be in “A Strange Loop.” If he’s not changing now, he won’t ever. Be careful with the “Company” you keep.
Lust: Like they say, the better the weather, the hornier the crab. They say that right? If they don’t, they do now. Time to come out of your shell and on to his face.
Friendships: No one has sacrificed more than you for your friends and they should know it! Treat the next reunion like you’re “Real Housewives” and unload all your issues. Your birthday is coming up!
Work: If you’re gonna be coerced into capitalism, you at the very least must get paid your worth! Your P-Town house isn’t gonna pay for itself.
Love: Stop covering up your insecurities with displays of pride. Be vulnerable, lion, he might make your kitty purr.
Lust: Until these gas prices go down, you’re only hosting. Use this as an excuse to feed your need of being catered to constantly.
Friendships: Not to be cheesy, but stop giving people the corner slice of the lasagna that is your life when they’re only giving you the regular pieces of theirs!
Work: A rising tide raises all salaries, and it’s HIGH TIDE. Tsunami high. Tell your boss to get a lifeboat.
Love: Are you the “Wicked” movie? Then why are you senselessly dividing yourself into multiple parts for men that don’t even know one part of themselves. Stop “Defying Gravity” for men who have done “No Good Deed.”
Lust: The only thing that should be up your ass all the time is the string of your thong. Stop letting these shareholders act like sole proprietors.
Friendships: Our friendships with others teach us a lot of things, including how we don’t want to be. Let your messy friends be a warning and not a guide.
Work: Dare you to procrastinate just one time. Just to feel something. Unless that something is anxiety about how you’re procrastinating for the first time.
Love: Stop talking to men who can’t communicate. If you have to text, email, DM AND send him a smoke signal to get anything in return, do literally ANYTHING else.
Lust: Spark chaos this month! Moan louder for the guy with the smaller dick at your next threesome. Humble these men while humoring yourself.
Friendship: You love being eco-friendly, but you can't keep recycling the same excuses for canceling on gay’s night. They all know you’re available!
Work: New challenge: next time you want to reply to a work email while you’re on a date, you have to cover the entire bill.
Love: If you think a relationship is all it’s gonna take to make you happy, remember that Taylor Swift released two of her saddest albums after being in a relationship for 5 years.
Lust: You gotta stop promising these men things you know damn well you’re not going to deliver. They’re gonna start calling your hole Elizabeth Holmes.
Friendships: Your reckless posts on main are bringing down the stock of the group as whole. If you’re needing validation, send your content to the group chat, not the grid.
Work: Imagine the ass you’d have if you spent all the time you overthink the smallest things at work by doing squats instead!
Love: Memorial Day is upon us. You can use it to honor and remember your deceased love life.
Lust: Time to be more annoying than you usually are. Sext with words you’d use to describe wine. Reply “wow, full bodied and well balanced” to his next dick pic. Then let him stomp your grapes.
Friendships: You can’t lie and say you’re ok, not ask for help and then be mad no one helped you, queen! You have the support system just ask for it!
Work: Next time someone tells you to turn on your camera for a Zoom meeting, tell them appearance fees need to be negotiated with your manager. Unless that person is, in fact, your manager.
Love: I know you’ve watched 17 minutes of “Heartstopper,” but please, whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT YOUR EX.
Lust: Stop traveling for men who can’t really accommodate you. Start demanding basic amenities. If he doesn’t have his own poppers and lube, is he really hosting? Or are you just coming over?
Friendships: The margaritas aren’t the only thing that should be spicy at happy hour. Drop some juicy goss that takes the margs from “on the rocks” to “in your face.”
Work: Dolly Parton is starring in a TikTok musical about Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza. You can make one excel spreadsheet.
Love: How come every kiss begins with K, but every top begins with “Sup? Looking?”
Lust: Topping at one sex party and then bottoming at another hours later. You are your own multiverse of madness.
Friendships: Don’t be jealous of the lives former friends are living on Instagram right now. Everyone just got their tax returns!
Work: Pride month is coming. Start compiling your list of minor work inconveniences that you’ll label homophobic in June now!
Love: There’s more LGBTQ representation in the Marvel Universe than there is in your bedroom as of late. Panicking about things you can’t control is not gonna eat your ass at night! Go on a date!
Lust: There are plenty of places for you to play a supporting role. The sex party is not one of them. If you’re gonna be part of the production, be the star, not an extra!
Friendships: Your normal social circles are getting a bit stale. Start a rumor about yourself.
Work: I hope you’re reading this horoscope on company time. If not, leave and come back when you’re on the clock.
Love: You come from a long line of powerful vers/bttms. Don’t put up with drama from a man who doesn’t value you. Your forebottoms didn’t make sacrifices so you could triple text with a man who hasn't read a book since high school.
Lust: Idle hands do the devil’s work, so be sure to keep them busy all month servicing others.
Friendships: Friendship with you is a privilege and people are treating it as their right! Let them know they’re wrong.
Work: That pain you feel is from carrying the whole team on your back. Take a rest this month, close the inbox and open up a bottle of wine. You deserve it.