What's Up with Guys Sending Nudes as Their First Message?

Jeff Kasanoff
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August 14, 2025
5
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The English language gives us thousands of ways to start a conversation, and almost none of them involve revealing your genitals. And yet… a certain subset of guys online seems to have decided the most effective way to say hello is with a nude photo.

These men are committed to putting their best penis forward, despite broad consensus from the rest of the world that nobody likes a surprise dick pic.

So why do they do it? Is it a compulsion they can’t control? Their genuine best strategy for breaking the ice? Or just plain old exhibitionism? I wanted to understand what these cyber-flashers were thinking, so instead of blocking them on sight, I did the only thing I could: I asked.

The digital dark room

 You heard that right. For years now, I've responded to any anonymous nudes I receive with some version of: Why did you send that? 

(Ironically, the question usually gets me blocked. It seems the only thing worse than a surprise dick pic is surprise self-reflection.)

Most recently, I was browsing the grid when a guy sent me zero words and ten identical photos of his ass. When I asked what was behind this decision, he said there was no point in starting a conversation without establishing a baseline attraction. I didn’t disagree in theory, but I asked: why not establish that attraction with a photo of your face? 

He sent back a photo from his business school graduation, and told me he used to always send face pics first. But people kept asking for nudes, and often the conversation would dishearteningly fizzle out as soon as he sent them. Eventually, he decided it was best to start with nudes—give the people what they want!—and then see if there was any conversation left to be had.

You could sense a weariness in the way he explained this. Despite optically ambushing me with almost a dozen unsolicited photos of his body, he didn't see himself as a sexual aggressor. He saw himself as a victim, following the rules of a game someone else invented.

Most answers I’ve received boil down to this kind of pragmatism. “We're all on here to hook up, so we might as well cut to the chase." Guys who explain it this way are often bewildered when I won't immediately send nudes back. As one lovely gentleman put it just before blocking me: "How am I gonna eat at a restaurant if I can't see what's on the menu?"

Others have discovered, for one reason or another, they have a higher success rate with their body than with their face. Several guys suggested that some people who wouldn't give them the time of day based on a LinkedIn-friendly profile pic are suddenly eager to chat after seeing their dick. If they'd waited for permission to send XX pics, they would never have gotten the conversation going in the first place. And then there are the super DL senders—the ones who are only willing to provide pictures of their bodies, and hope that’s enough to entice you.

What I noticed again and again in these conversations is that the senders frequently were under the impression that everyone was opening with nudes—while that hasn’t been my experience on Grindr at all. I’ve had many chats, and many dates, come together without a single shared album. 

The ho-cial contract

It got me thinking about another gay phenomenon I’ve experienced.

Once, on a work Zoom, I was introduced to a clearly gay executive. We gave each other the briefest of nods—an acknowledgement of our shared culture—and then nodded our way through a pointless meeting. Later that day, he followed me on Instagram—fine, normal—and then a green circle appeared, revealing he had added me to his Close Friends. And that he had spent his afternoon baking in the nude.

One hour earlier, we'd exchanged polite hellos with our bosses on the line. Now, the only thing blocking his full penis from view was a blueberry muffin.

I didn't ask him why he did it—after all, we had a (lol) professional relationship to preserve. But I did wonder: in his mind, was my being gay and online enough to act as de facto consent to seeing this kind of content?

Other people who post this kind of stuff to Close Friends have told me about their thinking, and their answers are pretty close to what the ass-first MBA guy told me: they saw themselves as following a norm that others had established. They were doing it because that’s just what gay guys do.

The perception gap

That’s the weird thing about online spaces: we all imagine them differently. In real life, we're used to a venue and a crowd setting the tone. Whether you're at a warehouse party or a library, your behavior will likely match those around you.

Online, it feels like you're in a crowd. You're seeing a ton of faces side-by-side as you scroll, but you're usually only interacting in private conversations, with no window into what anyone else is experiencing. It's easy to assume your experience is universal even when it’s not.

I don’t think most people sending nudes first, especially on an app like Grindr, are trying to be overly aggressive. But for many, Grindr is a digital dark room where your mere presence is implied consent to see whatever anyone wants to share. And some assume that if you're in the gay community at all, you're sexually driven in such a way that nudes won't offend you, be them on Grindr, Instagram, or Pinterest.

That’s what’s great about the internet: we can find our people and make it whatever we want it to be. But that’s also why it’s so important to confirm your recipient is on the same page before exposing yourself to them. Even if you’re a nudes-first kinda guy, make your dick your second message—and a fair warning your first.

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