Why More Gay Couples Just Need To Break Up Already

Forget about “open relationship (one ugly)”. In recent years, it seems a new gay couple stereotype has dropped: “open relationship (both miserable)”.

Anyone who has spent much time in the gay community knows this type. Gay couples, typically in their late 20s or early 30s, who have dated for 5+ years. Often, these men met when they were young, sometimes even while coming out, and they’ve navigated significant life roadblocks together. Now, they’ve got good jobs, share an apartment, and have mutual friends. Sometimes they’re married or have a dog, and yet, at some point in their relationship, the joy withered away. They started fighting, the sex got worse (or stopped altogether), and then came the open relationship question. Wouldn’t it be more progressive to become open? Humans weren’t meant to be monogamous anyway, were they? 

But as is often the case, the open relationship didn’t fix the problem, it just dragged more people into it. Ask any single cosmopolitan gay man, and they’ll tell you horror stories of meeting a new love interest at a party or on Grindr, only to learn later they’ve been hooking up or “dating” a man who conveniently never brought up his boyfriend of nine years. It’s got to the point where even TikTokers are issuing a “PSA” about the “epidemic.” It seems clear to everyone but the couple that the relationship has run its course, yet a breakup never seems to be an option. (If anything, this is a surefire sign a wedding is on the horizon.) 

So why do so many gay men seem trapped in dead relationships, and why does breaking up with a longtime boyfriend seem so impossible? 

Well, part of the answer could be trauma. Michael Pezzullo, LMFT, a California therapist who specifically works with gay men, tells Grindr that, “A first serious relationship isn’t just a boyfriend—it’s a lifeline. After years of emotional turmoil, secrecy, or rejection, the relationship offers something they’ve been desperately longing for: safety.” For many gay men, the safety of their long-term relationship can overpower any internal issues because they are terrified of letting go of once-necessary support. 

Another element at play is that, typically, gay men have less practice breaking up than their straight counterparts. While straight people often date throughout high school and college, learning to process breakups along the way, gay men tend to come out later, and so when they do come out, they find acceptance by fitting themselves into what New York psychotherapist Brian Spitulnik, LMSW, calls “a heteronormative framework.” 

“When [young gay men] do find partnership, they may fast-track emotional commitment without yet having a clear sense of their own adult identity,” Spitulnik says. “As both partners grow, differentiation is inevitable, but some couples interpret that growth as a problem rather than a sign of maturation. If we’re not growing together, we must be growing apart.” 

While high school relationships, more often than not, lead to growing apart and teach young straight people that it can be good to end things and move on, gay men can enter their 30s, still seeing a breakup as a failure, rather than as a sign of growth.

Another key difference between straight couples and their gay counterparts is the cultural acceptance of an open relationship. While the move is still taboo for many heterosexuals, studies have shown that upwards of 30% of gay men are in open relationships. This presents a tantalizing option for gay men in troubled monogamous relationships, even if therapists are clear that opening a relationship is rarely the answer. 

“If you’re in a relationship and you don’t feel like it’s working very well, the answer is don’t open it at that time,” Adam D. Blum MFT, the Founder and Director of Gay Therapy Center tells Grindr. “It’s just going to be putting kerosene on the fire. You’re going to have more resentment, misunderstanding, miscommunication, drama, and hurt.”

Pezzullo echoes that statement, saying, “Opening a relationship shouldn’t be a Hail Mary to save something that’s already broken.” 

This is not to say that open relationships are at all bad, but all three therapists I spoke with agree that open relationships work best when a couple’s relationship is already solid, and the pair has learned strong communication skills. 

“Opening a relationship amplifies whatever is already present,” Spitulnik says. “If there is security, it can expand freedom and honesty. If there is fragility, it tends to magnify it.”

Perhaps surprisingly, the root cause behind many open relationships is avoiding grief. Growing apart from someone you once considered the most important part of your life can be as devastating as it is necessary. 

“Opening a relationship sometimes allows couples to manage symptoms rather than address the underlying rupture,” Spitulnik says. “This can create the illusion that the relationship is still working because neither person has to face the loss directly. In that way, the grief of losing a connection that was vital in your life is buried and ignored.”

Perhaps the answer, then, is not to avoid breaking up, but learning to break up well. Blum says that, “a healthy breakup just means we honor the good.” Often, gay relationships serve as a safety net in ways that straight relationships don’t need to. A boyfriend is more than a romantic partner, but chosen family as well. There is so much beauty and love in young gay relationships that can be honored in a clean breakup. 

Ending a relationship well can leave both parties with positive memories, shared connections, and mutual appreciation, while allowing each to grow in their own way. It can also teach kindness, honesty, and understanding that will be vital for future relationships.

While breaking up is hard, perhaps it’s the best thing to do for you, for your boyfriend, and for everyone you keep matching with on dating apps.