Whorescopes: Taurus Szn

After the fire and brimstone of last month we’re slowly but surely heading towards a more sedentary way of life—welcome to Taurus szn. As you grow more accustomed to daily sourdough baking, crossword puzzles, Animal Crossing parties, and Zoom orgies, it’s important to remember that this won’t be forever, it’ll just feel that way.

A birthday beatdown

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Though May is the month of love, it’s not your month for love. I know, it’s your bday, you’re stuck in the house, and you can’t even get a romantic “I miss you” text from your ex? At least you’ve got bagel bites in the oven and Never Have I Ever on Netflix.

Lust: Now, here’s where things get interesting: Venus in Gemini tells me that you’re headed for an old fashioned bussy beatdown. Time to bust out that special vintage dildo and show yourself who’s the boss.

Friendships: All your girls are depressed and you're the only one who can help. Plan a girls night in: Zoom, poppers, codenames, and wigs.

Work: Congrats on being the only person in the world who can work at home and not get distracted with masturbating every hour on the hour.  

Gemini fetches the boltcutters

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Aries szn asked you to examine your self-worth and Taurus szn is going even deeper—imploring you to see that you’re worthy of love no matter what. Even if you make a Tiger King reference.

Lust: Though you tend to think of sex as a wrestling match, it’s time to ask the referee to leave the room. Make love this month. Maybe even kiss during sex? Okay too much too much, I shouldn’t have brought it up.

Friendships: There’s someone you’ve been thinking about a lot lately, someone from your past you haven’t spoken to since Rihanna released an album. Give ‘em a ring.

Work: You’ve backed your mind into a corner at work and are constantly facing a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. Fetch the boltcutters and free yourself from this pattern of thinking.

Cancer upgrades from wayfair to cb2

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Though it’s been an emotional roller coaster the past few months, you’re starting to settle into a nice routine at home and are really loving coasters now (the kind you use on tables).

Lust: You are so fucking horny—for a great price on rugs. Don’t forget to buy local, queen.

Friendships: You care deeply about your friends, and what they think, Mercury in Taurus asks you to check in with them before you buy that hideous vase.

Work: Sucks. But at least you got a job bb gurl. Count them blessings.

Leo’s growl worse than her bite?

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: You’ve found a flirtation of sorts on the apps, but you know what they (me) say: new romances bring up old insecurities. Practice your mantra (Talkin’ to myself in the mirror like ‘Bitch, you my boo’) and enjoy yourself.

Lust: You haven’t eaten ass in months and frankly you’re starved, but we aren’t out of this mess yet—hop on that demon time to let out your pent up energies.

Friendships: Connection is so important right now, so it’s good that you’ve got a cute pack to Zoom with when the nights get lonely. But when an ex reaches out on the 13th, do not pick up!

Work: You’ve got a lighter load this month (well, workload).

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Independent virgo, pt. 2

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: You’ve been rather mean to yourself of late. Try getting your groove back with some self-care: butt mask, back wax, even some casual tanning (which is basically just meditation that makes you hotter).

Lust: Only boring people get bored. For those with real imagination there’s no end to the nasty things you can do this quarantine. For instance, ever tried poppers training on a work call?  

Friendships: Just because you’re isolated doesn’t mean you have to be lonely–it’s time to reach out to the people you’ve been ignoring because of your intense gay pride.

Work: Okay Miss Independent, we see you building your empire. Don’t forget to relax and enjoy your newfound success with someone special: yourself.

Libra gets energy (the chromatica jockstrap)

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: This szn you’re going to fall in love with your creativity: do a collage, work the pottery wheel, create new justifications for your masturbation habits.

Lust: There’s nothing like a new jockstrap to reinvigorate your sexual creativity. Paint them sheets, baby!

Friendships: Things are back on track with your friends, and I’m sure he didn’t mean it when he called you normal.

Work: Werk. Weerrrrrkkkkk. Yas. Slay. Werk the runway. Clat. Clat. Clat. BOOM.

The scorpi-ho returns

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Well you had a sweet run at suburban home life for a month or two. Monogamy is cute, but you don’t get cute, you get drop dead whorish.

Lust: Stay strong, queen. Lock yourself up at night. Put your phone in the closet. Delete those hole pics. We still gotta flatten the curve. No, not my curves. Nobody can flatten those.

Friendships: Why have friendships when you can have OnlyFans?

Work: You’ve been burning the midnight oil on both ends (working till 8 and then playing Animal Crossing till 2 A.M.). Make sure you make time for some beauty sleep, queen.

Sagittarius puts in the work

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Last month you worked out the emotional problems in your relationship and now, with the Sun in Taurus, your love life is throbbing and veiny and—wait what am I writing...

Lust: You can solve a lot of tension in a relationship by saying these 4 magic words, “Want to go out back behind the dumpster and use me?”

Friendships: You’ve been getting a lot of calls from your girls. I know it’s draining, but think of your girls, who haven’t been drained in weeks. A little compassion, dearie.

Work: Now that you’ve proven your loyalty at work, it’s cool if you quit using ten-letter words in all the company emails, you’re freaking out the interns.

Caprichorny

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Nicki Minaj didn’t get her first No. 1 single until after her 109th entry. You can date a few more duds till you find your man.  

Lust: If you want it? Say so. That man whose DMs you keep sliding into isn’t a mind-reader—be clear with him about what you want (show hole).

Friendships: I know you’re good about checking in, and your friends are grateful, but don’t Facetime them without a heads-up bc that’s just invasive, gurl.

Work: Mercury in Taurus reminds you to close out of that OnlyFans tab before you screenshare on Zoom.

Release and find peace

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: Isolation has you stuck on a recent breakup. Don’t be sad about his new flame—I looked him up on twitter and he went to a “socially distant” rave.

Lust: Oh shit, your libido is back and she’s pissed! I don’t even know what a one-month load looks like, and I don’t want to. Celebrate your grand return with the best masturbation session you can imagine: Pornhub premium, the good towels, balloons—spare no expense!

Friendships: You miss your friends, but you’re also a cold-hearted mf who can live without anyone so you’re fine.

Work: How come you keep putting concealer on for your Zoom conferences, who you trying to impress?

Pisces goes the distance

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: You’re going to fall head over fin this month with a long-distance lover, so start practicing your FaceTime “O” face.

Lust: You are so horny right now you would fuck your inner saboteur. Not a bad option.

Friendships: People are craving your warmth and advice these days. Make sure you give generously, and always leave your venmo @ so they can tip.

Work: Working from home is stressful but at least you don’t have to wear pants…or underwear.

The infamous aries’ blackhole

The celestial alignment suggests that you’ll spend a lot of time at home this month.

Love: If you didn’t have any luck during Aries season in the love department, don’t fret, you missed your chance and will be single for the rest of the year. Lucky!

Lust: A blackhole is a “region of spacetime where gravity is so strong that nothing can escape from it.” Babe, time to take a new hole pic and reel ‘em in.

Friendships: Connection isn’t just about liking all the same things, it’s also about having the same morals...and hating all of your friend’s ex-boyfriends.

Work: You’ve pinched nipples, but now it’s time to pinch pennies. Don’t be extravagant until the pandemic is over and work is steady again.