Welcome to the Stage: Masturbation May
Masturbation May is here—an entire month dedicated to petting the one-eyed snake. Now, some queer men celebrate masturbation year-round (keep up the good work, boys!). But others still have some hangups on masturbation. Sure, in 2025, most of us know that masturbation is normal, healthy, and won’t make you go blind. Still, many queer men have that lingering thought that “masturbation doesn’t count as sex,” and we feel this nebulous pressure that we should be doing more (i.e., anal). Or, we think masturbation is a last resort—something you settle for when you’re alone.
“Heteronormative definitions of sex, moral and religious teachings, cultural messaging, and queer erasure,” have all contributed to the stigma associated with solo and mutual masturbation, explained Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D., a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. “Acts like masturbation, oral sex, or mutual masturbation were devalued because they did not lead to procreation, reinforcing the idea that these acts were 'lesser,’” he said.
Then, of course, gays weren’t part of the broader cultural conversation around sex. Sure, we’ve made progress since I was in high school [redacted] years ago (where there was literally zero mention of anything “gay” in my sex ed class), but still, sex between two men isn’t a topic in mainstream conversation. Phillips sums it up when he says, “For many queer men, mutual masturbation has always been full expressions of sexuality, but dominant culture failed to validate that reality.”
But—and I cannot emphasize this enough—masturbation isn’t merely “better than nothing.” Many gay and bi men (and nonbinary cuties) genuinely prefer to mutually masturbate with a partner rather than have anal or oral sex. These men go under many names, “sides,” “bate bros,” and I’d even include “gooners” in this list—but they all have one thing in common: They’re prioritizing their pleasure and comfort over what they think they “should” be doing.
“It is insanely sexual and pleasurable to bate and edge either with other guys in person or on some sort of app/video,” Kyle, 38, said, when I asked him why he preferred mutual masturbation to oral or anal sex. “Listening to other guys moan or talk about stroking their cock is sometimes all I need to get rock hard.” Kyle added that when penetration or oral is involved, he overthinks things and goes soft. Being “Bate Bros” is just far less pressure.
Tyler, 31, went from being a bottom to a complete side. “Being a side is a freeing experience,” they said. For so long, they bottomed just to provide pleasures for others. “I wasn’t focusing on my own pleasure,” they said. When they’re mutually masturbating, they can. “To me, it’s enjoying the proximity, the bated breath, whispering to each other, sloppy make-out sessions, and pleasure without expectation. It’s an experience that I find isn’t about one person’s pleasure over the other,” Tyler says.
Cole, 36, echoed Tyler’s sentiment, noting that “the intimacy can be intense in a unique way because there is less of a power dynamic.” No Dom tops. No subby bottoms. Just two dudes, stroking while making aggressive eye contact. “It’s more egalitarian,” Cole said. “But I also enjoy the variety of sensations that can be made with penises and the hand or other parts of the body’s exterior.”
On top of the more psychological reasons to prefer mutually masturbating, there’s also the physical components. “Some men just don’t like giving oral because of the taste, or they don’t like [the feeling] of gagging,” said sex and relationship therapist Dr. Joe Kort, Ph.D., author of Side Guys: It’s Still Sex Even if You Don’t Have Intercourse. And I think anyone who’s ever bottomed knows it can be a pain in the ass (literally and metaphorically). Eating clean, douching, the pain that often accompanies anal—the gay community has normalized this, but when you take a moment to think about it: There’s a lot of effort that goes into bottoming!
Personally, I love bottoming, but I’m also lazy and don’t want to go through the rigmarole of preparing, so I often find myself swapping head or mutually masturbating because it can feel just as good without all the accompanying nonsense.
And thanks to Grindr, it’s never been easier to connect with other dudes who just want to jerk off together. For one, “side” is a position you can specify in your profile, and two, as Sterling, 32, said, “I love me some Grindr tags, baby! My most used tags are: bater, dirty, and gooner [insert tongue emoji here].”
So, this Masturbation May, feel free to jerk it yourself, or, if the mood strikes, find a bate bro and celebrate the season together!
