A Notice to All Tops: Opposite Day Requires Your Immediate Bottoming

Attention Tops,
You are hereby notified that, in observance of Opposite Day, your usual role of fearless top is temporarily suspended. For too long, you’ve coasted on vibes alone while bottoms are out here doing the Lord’s work. You think lube is a “suggestion”? That fiber is a cereal? Bless your clueless heart.
This is not a drill. This is karma. It’s high time your ego met a bidet, some prep work, and a healthy dose of accountability. Bend over, sweetheart, and get ready to feel the stretch of your own expectations.
You are strongly encouraged to reverse roles for the next 24 hours. Please review the following instructions carefully.
WHAT TO EXPECT
- Duration: 24 hours of mandated role reversal.
- Monitoring: Your performance will be reviewed by a panel of Anonymous Bottoms.
- Consequences: Failure to comply will result in a revocation of your “Good Top Card™” and replacement with a laminated certificate declaring you a ”Pillow Princess Apprentice” (valid until you apologize to your nearest bottom).
PHYSICAL PREP
Put down that burrito and listen up. Topping is more than just showing up. Bottoms put in the work. You will now do the same.
Meal management
- No spicy food, dairy, or 3 AM chicken nuggets 24 hours prior.
- Eat fiber. No, “I had a salad once” doesn’t count.
Hydration
- Drink water throughout the day. But don’t chug. No one wants sloshing around. You’re not a camel.
- Coffee is banned 4-6 hours before getting into it. You know why.
Cleaning Out
If you’ve ever said “Hurry up in there,” Venmo your nearest bottom $50, then take a seat—it’s your turn to learn patience. Your three-wipe-and-pray method won’t cut it. You’ll see.
MENTAL PREP
You can have all the physical prep in the world, but if your head’s not in the game, it’ll show. Here’s how to get your mindset in order.
Anxiety
Worrying about every little detail is normal. Bottoms deal with these thoughts all the time, so welcome to their world.
Patience
If you’ve ever rushed a bottom by asking, “Are you done yet?” you now owe them another $50. The phrase you’re looking for is “Take your time.” You’ll learn this, too.
Vulnerability
Taking control might feel natural for you. Letting go? That’s an advanced art form. Surrendering control requires trust—and bottoms deserve more credit. Let’s see if you can handle it.
LUBRICATION AND LOGISTICS
Contrary to top folklore, that crusty bottle of lube under your sink won’t cut it. Time to go to the store (oh no, more work!) and pick up a new bottle. Got it? Great.
Initial Application
You’ll likely need a lot more than a few drops. Resist the urge to skimp—you’ll only be making your own situation worse. If you pause to ask “is this enough?”, assume the answer is no. It’s always no.
Reapplication Breaks
Lube doesn’t last forever. Interrupting the action to apply more might feel like a chore… because it is a chore bottoms often undertake. If you choose to skip a re-lube break, enjoy the friction burn. (We’re joking. Please don’t skip the re-lube.)
Clean-Up & Aftercare
Post-session hygiene is equally critical. If you thought your sole responsibility was wiping off sweat, guess again. Also, you’ll likely need a trip to the bathroom. Your colon’s not a lost & found, so make sure to drop off his strays.
COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS
You’ve spent ages rattling off directions (“Move here,” “Do that”). Now it’s your turn to learn how actual two-way communication works. We’ll speak slowly.
Consent
Ask. Then ask again. Then ask if they’re sure they’re sure. Welcome to the “enthusiastic yes” multiverse.
Feedback
When you’re on the receiving end, you can’t just grunt and hope they figure it out. You actually have to speak up—shocking, we know. And if your partner asks you that question, you don’t get to shrug. This is where you say “slower,” “faster,” or whatever other word you can manage.
Post-Action
Cuddling is mandatory. If you roll over, the Anonymous Bottoms panel will take note.
EVALUATION
When the 24-hour countdown wraps, the panel of Anonymous Bottoms will quietly assess whether you gave this role reversal the respect it deserves. From here on out, please remember:
- Bend over, literally and metaphorically, in the spirit of exploring new territory.
- Encourage your partner to steer the ship. A day of letting go might just prove how your usual captaincy has spared you many hidden challenges.
- Acknowledge that occasionally, the “harder” job belongs to the bottom, especially when it’s Opposite Day and the world expects you to get in—or let someone get in—your ring.
Enjoy your Opposite Day obligations. May you emerge with a brand-new perspective—and a deep humility about all that bottoms do, day in and day out, for your comfort.
And if, by the end of this, you’re still asking, “Why do people say the best bottoms make the best tops?”—you might need another 24 hours.
Signed,
The Opposite Day Council at Grindr