Come to Your Senses: Post-Nut Clarity, Explained

We’ve all been there. One moment, you’re considering anything from scaling a wall to spending stupid money on a taxi fare to meet your match. Or perhaps you’re already with them, and you find yourself offering, maybe even begging, to participate in some off-the-wall, new, kinky territory in pursuit of pleasure. You’re completely transfixed with meeting their needs, and your own, all in service of a shared end goal. On Grindr, that tunnel vision can feel industrial-strength.

After the Orgasm

And then, something shifts. In a matter of seconds, you’re in a near out-of-body state of relaxation, and the world around you is starting to look a whole lot different. You can’t believe the things you were considering doing… You’re confused, maybe even a little ashamed or disgusted by yourself. What’s changed? Well, you came, of course.

What is Post-Nut Clarity?

This extreme shift in mentality is on account of a phenomenon known to many as “post-nut clarity.” And as today marks one of our favourite holidays here at Grindr HQ—yes, we are referring to National Nut Day—we thought what better excuse to take a deep dive into this mindbending sensation so many of us experience after “busting a nut” in the hopes of understanding what exactly is occurring in the body to cause this epiphany-inducing state.

What Happens in the Brain?

According to Alexis Caught, a queer psychosexual therapist, post-nut clarity is a “mix of a neurobiological and a psychological experience,” meaning that it happens as a result of both chemical changes in the brain as well as our own pre-existing psychological state. “During sex, there is an absolute carnival of hormones going on within our body. All of the fun ones, like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, are coursing through us, and then it ends with the big finish when we orgasm,” he explains.

In the aftermath of orgasm, our dopamine levels drop sharply, and we have the mental capacity to consider more than just the task at hand. “We’ve gone from being narrowly focused, which is what we do when we have a goal, when we feel that motivation, and then our lens has widened,” describes Aisha Paris Smith, an award-winning somatic sexologist. In fact, the part of our brains that causes us to worry is literally turned off during sex, and so it is only after we climax that this function returns.

“Our nervous system swings from the sympathetic to parasympathetic, and our prefrontal cortex—the bit that is involved in reflection, but it’s also where shame lives in our brain—that comes back online,” Alexis outlines. “The thinking, rational, critical, judgmental part of our brain is suddenly back, and so the contrast between the two can feel jarring for people.”

Why It Can Hit Gay Men Harder

It’s through this widened lens that we can sometimes begin to reconsider our previous desires and actions. In fact, it’s proven that men who have sex with men are far more likely to experience psychosexual issues (such as erectile dysfunction) and more than twice as likely to experience general mental health struggles than our cis het counterparts, so we are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to battling the post-nut blues. Add variables like hookup logistics, performance pressure, safety calculus, and centuries of having our sexualities stigmatised and pathologized by those around us, and the flip can feel sharper for queer men navigating app culture.

Use It—Don’t Overreact

The word “clarity” has relatively positive connotations, and, of course, this state of mind can sometimes be an opportunity to reconsider a situation with a partner and ask ourselves some important questions: Did I actually enjoy what we were just doing? What am I feeling uncomfortable with here? Do I feel I was respected or cared for? However, given that we are also in the midst of a significant hormonal shift while in this state, we must also be wary of our feelings during this time. It begs the question: how clear is post-nut clarity, actually?

Both Alexis and Aisha agree that, most of the time, the so-called epiphanies we experience during post-nut clarity can serve as a useful starting point to examine elements of our sex lives but, as we are still in such a vulnerable state, it is important not to put too much credence on what we feel in that exact moment. 

“I would say allow yourself to not push these thoughts away and reject them, but also not to run with them into a place of regret or self-hatred,” Aisha offers. “It’s not a moment in which you can be objective. Your rational mind hasn’t come back yet, your system is still flooded with hormones, so it’s best to just observe what you’re feeling, and then perhaps that evening or an hour or two later, reflect or speak with someone, perhaps your partner, to try to discover what these feelings are telling you.”

Aftercare with Partners

It’s crucial, of course, that we look after ourselves while in this tender state; however, it is also important to note that often there is another individual involved to whom we also have a duty of care and respect. a. It’s possible that feelings of shame or self-loathing could lead us to wanting to reject our partner or speak about sex in a way that might be hurtful to them. We must remember that our partner is also in a vulnerable state, whether they have cum or not, and that our sudden shift in disposition could be confusing or hurtful to them.

Alexis suggests that, if you are with a partner you trust and feel comfortable with, it could be worth vocalising what you are feeling to them and seeking post-sex aftercare such as cuddling, hair stroking and other forms of non-sexual intimacy. In situations where we are not with a trusted partner, try to self-soothe before acting. Slow your breathing down, perhaps give yourself a hug, and, most importantly: “Remember it’s totally normal - about 50% of people will have experienced this at some point in their life,” he says, a figure he believes may be higher among queer men. “This is a temporary, shifting experience. It doesn’t mean it’s nice, but remind yourself that it will pass.”

Basic aftercare reads as simple kindness: a check-in, a sip of water, a minute of quiet before dressing. Small things soften the flip for both people.

Dealing Post-Nut Clarity Solo 

Of course, all of this assumes that you are in person with a sexual partner, but as many Grindr users will know, often we experience post-nut clarity when we are by ourselves after using the app while self-pleasuring. Sometimes we explore fantasies online we’re not ready for in real life—and that’s okay. The contrast between our virtual sexual escapades and real life can be a common trigger during post-nut clarity. Aisha notes that many people will struggle as they try to come to terms and ask themselves: “Can I include in my self-image that I desire this thing, that I fantasize about this thing, even if I accept I am not ready to meet it in real life?”

Queer desire has always had a vivid imaginative wing; fantasy isn’t less authentic than real sex, it’s just different. The work—later, not immediately after—can be deciding whether any piece of that fantasy belongs in your IRL sex life, and under what boundaries.

Don’t Ghost

Nevertheless, post-nut clarity is not a license to disregard the feelings of someone who has been vulnerable with you online, including anyone who shared intimate images or explicit messages. It can be tempting to vanish or block, but there is a human being on the other end of that interaction. A sudden one-eighty or ghosting can leave them hurt and confused, and they may have believed you would meet in real life; they may even have started preparing. Aisha notes that behaving in this way during post-nut clarity can “create a system of objectification that actually leaves both parties feeling unsatisfied.” We’ve all been on the other end of this sort of false exchange, so, in short, don’t be that guy!

If plans change, a brief message turns a messy comedown into a clean exit. You don’t need a speech—just clarity and courtesy.

Bottom Line

So what have we learned then? First and foremost, post-nut clarity is completely normal and experienced by a huge percentage of people. Secondly, try to check yourself in this state before behaving in a way that might hurt another individual’s feelings—remember, they’re probably in some sort of tender state themselves.

And lastly, if you find yourself struggling with thoughts and feelings that rise to the surface during post-nut clarity, don’t panic—you won’t feel like that forever. “For most people, it will be quite a small wave,” Alexis points out (though he notes that a very small percentage of people might remain in this state for a number of hours, or in extreme cases a day). “So just allow yourself to ride it and embrace the curiosity it inspires in that immediate aftermath.” Wait—not post-nut clarity actually being potentially psychologically useful? As if we needed another excuse to bust a nut…