Gay Sex Ed: The Safest Way To Douche

One of the things I don’t hate about quarantine is that I no longer have to douche, something I once did very, very wrong. As a gayby (see: a young, uninformed, gay person), I was very anal about my douching routine (wink) and would dedicate an hour, as well as what felt like gallons of water, to the process, which I’d do in the shower, often to the stylings of Swedish songstress, Zara Larsson, so that my roommate couldn’t hear me.

I’m still very regimented in the way I douche, but I’ve learned to be more careful because, if done improperly or too often, douching can do your body more harm than good. Since no gay man wants their peach to spoil, I spoke to bum doctor extraordinaire, Dr. Evan Goldstein, CEO of Bespoke Surgical, whose practice provides medical and wellness services to gay men, on proper douching protocol.

Shit happens

Let’s first address the obvious: when having anal sex, “mess” (the PC term most media use for poop) happens. As queer men, we’ve all been there, whether as the top or the bottom, so when it happens, don’t freak out. A poor reaction can be traumatic, and the last thing gay men need is more trauma or shame. So if and when it happens, clean up and carry on if it feels natural. If it doesn’t, reschedule and don’t mention it again.

Fiber is your friend

When trying to achieve that impossible gay body that’s so normalized in our culture, trainers attest diet is more important than exercise. The same philosophy can be applied to douching.

“Being ready to bottom actually starts with your diet, long before you even start douching,” Goldstein says, attesting that if you maintain a healthy diet full of fiber (either naturally or through fiber supplements), that douching should only take a few minutes. With the proper diet, some don’t even need to douche at all.

By consuming plenty of fibre and water, your stool bulks together in one smooth, formed mass, which makes douching a swift process. Consider introducing more fruits, vegetables, legumes, leafy greens, whole grains, and unprocessed bran to your diet, while limiting dairy (given that 75 percent of the global population is at least somewhat lactose intolerant) and greasy red meats.

If you have a less predictable gut, an enteric-coated peppermint oil calms the intestines and can help reduce gas, bloating and diarrhea. “If you’re taking supplements, I recommend taking your fiber before bed since this allows absorption and optimization to occur while you’re sleeping and then going to the bathroom when you wake up in the morning,” Goldstein says.

Dig in

Of course, all bodies are different, so planning to eat for a mess-free experience is personal. In addition to the aforementioned diet, Goldstein recommends you keep a food diary to better learn your body's habits since the contents in the colon is actually from 24-48 hours ago.

During the preparation process, insert a toy before you bottom to test for cleanliness; it’s the same reason people use a toothpick to make sure a cake is baked through. If it comes out clear, you’re good to go. From there, fine tune your routine in accordance to what you’ve learned. This will take time to perfect.

The art of the Douche

If you have the time to plan for intercourse, Goldstein recommends douching 30 to 60 minutes ahead of time, in case there’s excess gas or residual water hiding in there. “There are many folds within the rectum and sometimes liquid can get stuck, so a little extra time allows it to come out before sex,” he explains.

According to Goldstein, 88 percent of men who practice receptive anal intercourse douche before sex through unsubstantiated methods, which can lead to a host of health issues, like douche dependency and irritation of the region.

To douche safely, Goldstein recommends standing up with one leg on a toilet seat or the edge of the tub. “This helps reduce the chance of the liquid going too far up (thanks to gravity) inside your rectum,” he explains, adding, “I know of people who do it in the shower, but I find it’s best to expel the liquid into the toilet.”

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Since the anal canal is about four to six inches deep and the tip of a douche is about half of that, squeeze the bulb of your douche gently because you only need to clean a few inches deep. If your toy or partner is above average in size, a few more rinses may be necessary.

“When you douche with larger bulbs and insert seven or more fluid ounces in one squeeze, the liquid ends up going too far beyond the rectum and into the sigmoid colon above, where stool is stored,” Dr. Goldstein says, insisting that your toy and/or partner(s) generally aren’t going as deep as you think. “The more you flush, the more stool you’ll dislodge, which means the longer it’ll take for things to run clear. So now you’ve made the situation even messier than if you hadn’t even douched at all.”

To ease insertion, lube the tip of your douche. If you’re douching in the shower, opt for silicone-based lube as it won’t wash away as quickly and make sure there are no soap suds in the water, which can cause further irritation.

The solution

Fleet brand enemas, though widely available, are not the most body-safe option for regular douching as they can cause mucus and dryness to the area, which can lead to cell damage, cracking and bleeding.

As long as you aren’t using it every day, tap water is fine. If you can, limit douching to two to three times a week. If you go beyond that you can rid the body of necessary bacteria that your bum needs to function properly. To avoid cramping, opt for warm water.

Goldstein recently released an isotonic solution called Future Method that you can use to douche regularly without side effects.

Beware the shower Douche

Everyone knows a gay with a shower douche and they rave about it. But the truth is, most shower hoses are too long and end up way higher inside your colon than is necessary. Add to that the fact that most shower hoses don’t regulate water pressure and you’ve essentially turned yourself into a human fountain.

“All that high-pressure water creates a balloon effect, distending the rectum, washing away all the good things,” Goldstein says. “Unless your partner is over a foot long, or you’re engaging in fisting or playing with really large toys, you simply don’t need to ‘deep clean’.”

Crystal clear

As you can see, effective douching is far more complex than shooting water in your ass and pushing it out. You’re dealing with your bum, which is as cute as it is sensitive, so even if your dick appointment is minutes away, make sure you prioritize your bodily safety and douche responsibly. The future of your hole depends on it.