Admittedly, my experience with cruising is limited. But then again, I came out in the era of Grindr, where dick is delivered to your door quicker than pizza. The first man I dated out of the closet was older than me, and took it upon himself to give me a lesson in gay culture by taking me to a popular cruising spot in the middle of the night.

My heart was pounding through my chest when we pulled up to the hill. I was excited, but also incredibly nervous. He took my hand as I exited the car, and then led me into a dense forest laced with skinny trails pointing in every direction. My arms were crossed the entire time, something I often do when I’m uncomfortable. I’d only been out of the closet for a few short months and this was like nothing I’d ever known.  

As soon as we spotted somebody in the distance, he excitedly dropped to his knees, pulled down my pants and started sucking my cock. As the figure drew closer, I pulled my pants up. I don’t know if it was overexcitement or overstimulation but I wasn’t ready yet. Not the craziest cruising story in the world, but we did watch Cruising (1980)—a film starring Al Pacino that’s been largely scrutinized for stigmatizing gay men—later that night.

Given that we’re now a full year into the pandemic (can you believe it’s been a fucking year?!), there’s been a notable resurgence in the classic act of cruising. “I think that there’s fatigue in the social and physical distancing,” sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Joe Kort, Ph.D., explains. “Cruising offers the opportunity to have physical connection, but from a distance, so it’s a perfect fit for the current pandemic situation.”  

Cruising through Covid

Queer people have always found creative ways to have our physical needs met (often out of necessity since law and society condemned us to an existence in the closet) and, evidently, the pandemic is no different. This time though, we didn’t reinvent the wheel, we just recycled a rustier one.

But before we discuss how cruising has joined Kathryn Hahn in the cultural zeitgeist of pandemic life, consult the image below for safer cruising practices.

It would be easy (and ignorant) to say that you shouldn’t cruise and to instead abstain during the pandemic, but this approach isn’t effective, as clearly evidenced by the AIDS epidemic. So rather than condemn the behavior, it’s important we think about reducing risk and create understanding and openness.  

In September, the San Francisco AIDS Foundation posted guidelines for safer cruising during the pandemic utilizing information shared by the  San Francisco Department of Public Health and the BC Centre for Disease Control. See graphic below.

Cases studies in cruising

Curious what the gays were up to in the bushes, I spoke with a number of cruising hobbyists on Grindr and Twitter, who all insisted they remain anonymous.

“I did a couple of rounds earlier this year, ended up sucking one guy off for a bit, then gagged on this ‘straight’ guy's dick,” Jake, 33, shares. “He kept saying that his girlfriend never could get him off the same way guys could. I’m not sure if it was just roleplay or legit, but his dick smelled like fresh laundry, which was nice.”

No stranger to cruising, Jake says the hot spots in his area are still quite busy. However, he noted that the few individuals who bothered to wear masks at all wore them around their necks. Another individual I spoke to shared that they remove their mask from a safe distance because cruising largely relies on non-verbal communication.

“Cruising already has a risk to it and the fact that we're in a pandemic has added to that risk, but behaviors really haven’t changed much,” Jakes observes. “With all the closures and restrictions on indoor spaces (combined with the colder weather), friends of mine have noticed a resurgence of cruising in washrooms. However, the city (Toronto) took notice and either closed them entirely, or reduced the hours and increased security.”

For some, cruising is still too risky, so they get creative. “I was chatting with a guy who really wanted to hook up, so he begged to  peek in my window and watch me jerk off on my bed, so I let him, and he played with himself outside and came on my window,” says Jesse, 33. “Before we did it I thought it would be weird and creepy but it was actually kind of hot.”

Most of the people I spoke with said they’ve been using apps and websites like Squirt (which has its own Cruise feature), Sniffies (a website specifically for cruising) and Grindr to find the cruisiest areas nearby.

Some, like Cameron, 24, found Twitter particularly useful. Through the app, he’d heard that the Ramble section of Central Park was a popular place to cruise and decided to check it out one evening. After wandering aimlessly for half an hour, he happened upon a circle jerk, but was too afraid to join. A decision he regretted.

A few days later, Cameron returned to the location, this time wearing his favorite jockstrap and a pair of tight-fitting shorts. “This time, I knew what I wanted, and I intended to get it,” he shares. “As soon as I got there I set my sights on a handsome guy stroking his dick and dropped to my knees and started sucking him off.”

His boldness attracted attention, and soon 10 men swarmed around Cameron, each waiting for their turn. After a couple minutes, one of the men slipped his shorts off and began fingering him. “Eventually, I got tired of kneeling, so I stood up and made my way over to a tree, motioning to one of the guys in the group,” Cameron continues. “He fucked me until he came and much to my pleasure another guy quickly took his place.”

Three loads later, Cameron felt satisfied and left the park, taking one last load before heading home. It was one of the best sexual experiences he’d ever had in his life, and it might not have happened if it weren’t for the pandemic.

“Cruising and public sex is a kink. It’s taboo, and the risk of getting caught and/or watched can really charge folks’ erotic energy,” licensed therapist, Todd Baratz, tells Grindr. “Depending on the environment, cruising can be about the chase, or the variation of emotional transformation from ambivalence to resolution (for example: being confused and experiencing anxiety regarding their interest, to clarity and excitement in finding out they desire you). This transformation of emotion can cause a spike in erotic energy, creating a powerful effect.”

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Cruising into history

Before we continue, a quick lesson in gay history. According to Alex Espinoza, author of Cruising: An Intimate History of a Radical Pastime, the origins of cruising trace way back to Ancient Greece, though it looked a lot different than it does today.

Espinoza believes the concept of cruising is borne from “paiderastia” (pederasty), which was a romantic/mentor relationship between younger boys and older men. “Only those who occupied the upper tiers of society were permitted to have lovers or male sex slaves,” says Espinoza. “Also, these men could never assume the passive role in the relationship, they had to be the top.”

Pederasty was consensual and acknowledged by society, but was often carried out in secret. As is true of cruising today, through pederasty, we see the formation of rules governing the practice, rules that, in one form or another, exist to ensure the secrecy of the act.

It wasn’t until Ancient Rome, and the development of a more urbanized city, that cruising began to take on recognizable characteristics, especially among society’s aristocracy. Men would search for sailors (it was believed that, because they’d been at sea for months, sailors likely engaged in sex with other men) in areas near the Tiber, where there was plenty of shrubbery and a number of public bathhouses, where people would clean themselves before the advent of individual bathrooms.

These public spaces became prime hunting grounds. Since these areas were public, the need to offer ‘clues’ to signal someone that they were interested became common practice. “Men often scratched their heads with one finger to identify that they were cruising; many men use similar forms of signaling today,” Espinoza says.

Cruising hot spots were mostly communicated through word of mouth. “In some instances, if men caught wind that arrests involving men engaging in lewd acts had been made at a certain location, they’d visit them on the off chance that they’d find another ‘curious’ individual,” Espinoza says. “Yes, this meant risking arrest, but police weren’t prone to hitting the same location repeatedly.”

In the ‘60s and ‘70s, a slim, portable guide called the ADDRESS BOOK by Bob Damron became popular among queer and curious men. The tome was something of a Yellow Pages that listed, state by state, queer-owned bars, clubs, bathhouses and cruising spots across the United States. Each listing would feature a set of elaborate codes that identified what types of crowds the place attracted as well as the kind of sex one could expect to find there.

The ‘90s brought about the internet and forever evolved cruising with websites like gay.com and cruisingforsex.com. Eventually, these early websites evolved to become portable apps like Grindr.

When queerness was criminal

The queer community has historically been unfairly targeted by the law, and their approach to cruising was (and is) no different. In the past, the police went as far as creating a special unit, called “moral divisions,” whose primary job was to entrap and arrest queer men in cruising spaces.

“These officers were often young, good looking, and would expose themselves at a urinal or start flirting with you on a park bench,” author of The Deviant’s War: The Homosexual vs. the United States of America, Eric Servini, Ph.D., tells Grindr. “As soon as you agreed to go home with them or made reference to sexual behavior, you were arrested. In effect, police departments were the entities most responsible for conferring second-class status on queer American citizens.”

When found guilty of sodomy (a blanket term used for most all homosexual behavior), these people would often plead guilty, pay a fine, and were released from jail the following morning. However, these arrests were often reported in local newspapers and included their full name and address, effectively outing these individuals to everybody they knew.

“Police departments called up your family, employer, or landlord to let them know that you were a sexual deviant, so you would lose your job or housing,” Servini explains. “By the mid-century, the FBI was informed, so you were forever barred from government employment.”

What’s just as unfathomable is that sodomy (which was known to target gay men) did not become completely legal in the US until a 2003 Supreme Court decision. “Even now, the state has found ways of criminalizing trans and queer identity, even though it's technically legal. Look no further than New York's ‘Walking While Trans’ policy, which was only discontinued this month.”

What authorities never considered was that their own treatment of queer people (paired with simply existing among a judgemental and homophic society) is what led us queers to cruising in the first place.

“For many men, closeted or otherwise, cruising and anonymous sex proved the only way to find solace and a real, true sense of connection with another man,” Espinoza says. “Thus, an unassuming bathroom stall or an outcropping of shrubs became a space of fleeting intimacy and powerful sexual gratification. What’s so criminal about that?”

For some, cruising is still about that same search for acceptance, whereas for others, it’s simply a place to hook up when options aren’t viable. Some find the allure of public sex and/or the risk of getting caught is most alluring. Whatever your reason, know that you are taking part in an unapologetically queer tradition, one many may even consider revolutionary. Just be smart, be discreet and always practice safer sex.

Class dismissed.

It’s 2019 and I’m on-set for an editorial photoshoot in the heart of New York City. I’m surrounded by queer folks who are just like me, but feel so different from me — this is my first time being named a “queer voice” in the New York scene, and I’m too shy to approach the other people on set even though some of them are my friends. The bigger names in the queer scene are getting their makeup done before me, and are being rushed to have their photos taken because they’re just — too busy — to do this shoot today. But this project mattered so much to me that I’d taken the whole day off. I’m petrified but I have to keep my cool.

In the corner of this massive, sunlight-filled room, someone exclaims “there’s just something so hot about a chick with a dick!” I whip my head around from the makeup chair that I waited hours, really years, to be in. Maybe they’re talking about me, but there’s no way they could be, I’m just trying to lay low. I’m a girl with a dick, like they said, but had never heard someone say that girls like me are hot. I’ve only known that my body needs to be as cis-assumed as possible. Whatever that even means.

I recognize that moment, two years ago, as an introduction to my trans experience and as a new perception of my body. There is something so gorgeous about a woman with genitalia that cis-het communities standardize as ‘masculine.’ It’s the definition of queer, which at its root just means “different or other.” It’s taken me a lot of work to get here, but we need to normalize women with penises.

Phew, it feels good to say that.

“Trans women are taught to accept love scraps,” my beautiful friend Cassandra, a trans woman with a wildly successful acting career, shared with me in intimate conversation. She’s right: I’ve been a secret hookup, a subject to fetishization even on the Grindr app, and a test-drive for men who really like me until they’re confused about their sexual orientation. They tell me it’s my fault. At the end of the day, trans women are left to process transphobia (casual or purposeful) and find ways to still be OK.

My platform on social media is built on empowering other trans folks to understand they’re more than just OK — they are sacred, worthy, and deserve to feel sexy. On Instagram, I’m a self-proclaimed “chick with a dick” who is powerfully feminine. I use the space for infographic posts that advocate for trans lives; for example, I recently shared a post about how surgery (and therefore genitalia) does not define identity.

I often seek guidance from another trans sister of mine, who’s chosen to stay anonymous, for drafting the words in my posts.

“I think it’s important for trans kids to see the light at the end of the tunnel,” she says. “When I was growing up, I didn’t really see a blueprint for what my career or future could look like.” She’s referencing a lack of trans folks with platforms she could look up to when she began transitioning. “Seeing someone you identify with succeed and thrive carries the most impact.”

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Social media is our generation’s most powerful tool. While developing a platform, it’s necessary to be sensitive to the feelings my friend mentioned. Trans kids deserve to look up to someone who understands that every trans experience is unique and special — there is no one way to be transgender. That’s something I wish I knew two years ago during that New York City photoshoot. My choice to have bottom surgery does not dictate if I’m “trans enough.” Bottom surgery is a major life decision that I’m not prepared to make just yet.

When I didn’t have other trans folks to look up to, I used my own Instagram as a transition diary. I’d post a new photo after learning a makeup technique, or purchasing my first handbag, and then look backward at my progress. It’s how I kept track of what worked for me, what didn’t, and where I was headed. It helped me feel less alone. To be honest, I became a little embarrassed at how personally I took my Instagram account compared to how my cis friends used theirs.

Now, as I celebrated my 5-year anniversary on hormones, I’m continuing my reflection as a “chick with a dick.”

I have reclaimed the slur to ignite confidence in being a trans woman. I deserve to feel sexy on social media and on apps like Grindr. Every trans person is beautiful and worthy of safe, accessible spaces to find themselves in.

Spanish born, Paris-based artist Pol Anglada has had a busy quarantine. In 2020 alone he collaborated with renowned fashion brands JW Anderson and Moncler; contributed to Free Time, a zine he founded with friends; and maintained a prolific Instagram account.

The key to his productivity is his passion for art. He’s been drawing since he was a young boy, through a childhood he describes like the Spanish version of a Luca Guadagnino film -- more Call Me By Your Name or I Am Love than Suspira. He came of age in northern Spain, near the Pyrenees, where his father and grandfather, electricians by profession, were illustrators in their spare time. They encouraged his drawing while other young boys were playing football. And their conditioning provokes an almost Pavlovian response today. Anglada says a blank sheet of paper and some coloring pens brings him immediate joy, which has served him especially well these last several months.

Anglada’s father’s impact on his life and work goes beyond encouragement and support. His father’s comic collection was a catalyst for the illustrations of male figures that Anglada is celebrated for today. Like so many queer youth raised in small towns (in a pre-internet era on top of that), characters in his father’s comics contributed to his sexual awakening which graduated him onto more erotic work, like the Tom of Finland comics Anglada found in Barcelona’s book stores while on field trips.

The comics did more than foster his ability to immaculately outline a triceps. Anglada has long been drawn to the stories of love and lust within the gay manga comics, as one example, he loved as a teen. When he sketches, he works to capture the sensitivity and vulnerability of queer culture by focusing not just on the act of hooking up, but on the feelings it evokes -- anticipation, trepidation, exhilaration, even disappointment. For those who find themselves in the pandemic missing the emotions as much as the orgasms, Anglada’s art has you covered.

An Interview with Pol Anglada

Hi Pol. Where are you right now?

I’m in Paris.

You live an international life, and it no doubt inspires your work — how has quarantine hurt or helped that?

I have a day job as a fashion designer in Paris, and I do my drawings and illustrations in my spare time. So actually, as much as 2020 has been a hell of a mess, it’s given me lots of space to focus and to spend more time at home drawing.

The last several months have seen people, especially in creative professions, try to establish a routine to find inspiration – whether it’s baking bread or working out. What’s your routine?

Ever since I was a child, my go-to activity during free time has always been drawing. As a kid it cost nothing to keep me entertained; I just needed a sheet of paper and a couple of coloring pens. That’s helped me to be cool with alone time. I understand that for many people, being by yourself or inside your head has been tough. What works for me is I start drawing while listening to podcasts so it feels like there’s a conversation between friends around me. My inspiration literally comes from the world that we live in. With quarantine, things feel very still. And when I get in my head, I just draw what’s in front of me.

I’m working on a book, and as I write it and through anything I’ve written really, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of the muse. Who are the men that you draw? Do you have muses that inspire you?

I love what you say about the muse. To me the muse is more about the attitude [than a man]; it's something that obsesses me with a character. Ultimately, the outside of the body, even on gay illustrations, I’m not into drawing genitals. I try to stay more on the movement and the emotion of the character. The muse goes from someone, an individual, to a certain kind of attitude or thought. Recently, I did work for Kink magazine with Paco y Manolo that was a bit more sexual [than usual] but what I was trying to do was capture the essence of meeting and hooking up.

The idea of the muse also played a big role in my sexual upbringing. When I was a teenager, I found my dad’s comic collection from the eighties and you’d have very buffed up characters who were also very dark. Those male characters, who obviously weren’t gay, were part of an aesthetic that inspired me. Muses, to me, are the idea of someone inconcrete.

Talk about finding a muse now – when you are isolated from people, when Hook up culture is on hold. Is your drawing and journaling an outlet for sexual fantasy?

For me, drawing is an outlet from reality in general. Again, the thing I remember the most in my life is drawing. Little boys would be playing football, and I found greater joy drawing by myself. While growing up and coming to terms with my own sexuality, and through my frustration with a male character in my dad’s comics having a straight hook-up, my drawings were a bit more of an inner sexual discovery.

During quarantine, I was balancing being locked down at home with how much I was enjoying it in order to push myself forward. So I’d do a drawing about going bananas but also about being in my own head. Drawing is having a conversation with yourself.

But yeah, when I haven’t seen my boyfriend in two weeks, sometimes sketching becomes... a really good outlet, if you know what I mean.

How do you draw differently for a fashion collaboration, like with JW Anderson or Moncler, than you do for a personal project?

Not that much really. I was really lucky to collaborate with JW Anderson and with Moncler. Jonathan [Anderson] is really straightforward and knows exactly what he wants. In the middle of the pandemic he wanted to tackle a new way to showcase a collection without a physical event, so I got to create characters and they gave me total freedom. I cherished that freedom and got to treat the project like I was drawing at home.

It was the same with Moncler. They were so open to being in my universe.

It’s super interesting and important how the fashion is opening more and more again to illustration, including really brilliant illustrators like Ricardo Fumanal. In 2020 and 2021, illustration is a really resourceful way to communicate a vision.

Do you also see fashion houses embracing queer culture more and more? Your collaboration with Moncler, for example, may not have been the most intuitive.

When I draw, even if it’s a depiction of gay men, I always try to push the depiction to the more vulnerable side. It may be suggestive or have sexual energy but it’s really about sensitivity and vulnerability, and to me, that’s part of what’s so empowering about queer culture.

What’s your take on social media, where you post so much of your art? Some of your art could be called escapist, and there’s criticism that social media is making us all lose touch with reality.

For me, Instagram is a portfolio. My sketchbook where everything goes. I find living in the tangible world to be good and that it’s also good to have them a bit separated, but you have to make it work for you.

Let’s talk about the escapism that inspired your earliest drawings, back when you were a young boy in Spain. I’m from a small town too, in Iowa where I am now actually. To what extent has being from a small town and without access to the queer culture you’re immersed in now influenced your art?

I’m from northern Spain, from Catalonia, near France. My family on my dad’s side were electricians and my family on my mom’s side were farmers — but my dad and granddad have drawn all their lives. They’ve never taken it as a profession, but I’m lucky enough to come from a family where we celebrated art and individuals the way that they were. I didn’t have a problem growing up not wanting to play football and wanting to play dress up, or cutting out clothing for dolls that my grandma made. Everyone in my family supported me and my drawing.

I share all of that because all of that support for me and my imagination made for the perfect childhood.

And those early drawings were inspired by your father’s comic books. I’m assuming there weren’t a lot of queer people in your town, so were comics your first connection to them?

Obviously, my dads comics weren’t gay or queer. I just focused on the male figure within those comics. And eventually I learned how cool it was that people did erotic comics: when I was 13 or so, I went on vocational trips to Barcelona where I could pop into comic stores. It was there that I first got my hands on a Tom of Finland comic and that blew my mind -- I was like WHAT!? I was born in 1991 and we didn’t have a computer until I was 15. So growing up, it was all about making the trip to bookstores in Barcelona and getting comics from the likes of Jiraiya, a Japanese author that draws gay magna, or Tom of Finland like I said. The list goes on and on.

Do you ever think about young people in small towns going to comic stores looking at the zines you’re drawing for now? Or even seeing these drawings online and having the same experience as you?

You’re giving me goosebumps. That would make me the happiest in the world. We have a fanzine called Free Time that’s just my friends, and we invite people to tell people about their free time. We’ve been to a couple of fan zine conventions, and there have been some people who I didn’t know telling us that they love it. I try not to think about it, because I have so much to draw, but that’s my goal. It’s one of the best things ever to happen, when someone seems to enjoy my drawings as much as I enjoy drawing them.

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Brendan Scannell is what happens when Julianne Moore is mixed with a 30 minute stand-up set: star power, comedic timing, and an Herbal Essences commercial.

I’ve known Brendan since before his breakout role in the critically acclaimed Heathers revival, and I’ll tell you now what I knew even back then: he’s a star. Every project he touches is blessed with queer sensibility, wry humor, and midwestern charm. And, apart from his refined talent and lustrous copper red hair, he is also one of the most genuine people in the industry.

So it’s really no surprise that the new season of Bonding, out now on Netflix, is a fabulous vehicle for Brendan’s physical comedy, barbed zingers, and humanity. This is a pedigree binge of the highest order. I mean, who else could balance pup play and the intimate complexities of friendship in a 15-minute episode?

I spoke to Brendan before the show’s premiere about the exciting new season, along with a few other eclectic subjects: foot fetishes, the women’s section at your local thrift store, oh, and his love life…

Brendan! How are you? How've you been keeping yourself busy during quar?

Hi Patrick! I’m doing well, thank you! I haven’t been keeping busy so much as investing in a lot of hobbies. I’ve been taking French over Zoom and I sewed myself a pair of pants.

Tell us about this season of Bonding. What're you most excited about?

Season 2 picks up a couple months after Season 1. Pete and Tiff are the disgraced persona non gratas of the domme community and have to go back to “domme school” in order to win back their good graces and make money. This season goes a lot deeper into the world and the emotional stakes of their friendship, so I’m excited and nervous for people to see that.

The first season of bonding dipped its toes into the waters of S&M, are we taking the full plunge this season?

If you’re talking about me peeing on a client in season 1, then yes my feet were wet. Season 2 we get to explore some fun new kinks (pup play, breath control, financial domination) while bringing back some old faves (foot fetish, penguin play). So hopefully everyone is very wet by the end of episode 8.

There’s a lot of misinformation on BDSM out there. Do you think that’s mostly in the straight world or does the queer community have similar blind spots?

While I’m no expert (I’m an actor aka often dumb), I believe the queer community to be by and large more accepting of all things sexually outside the mainstream, and more accustomed to voicing it’s intimate interests and disinterests. The most important part of BDSM is clear, informed and enthusiastic consent, which I think has been shown to be missing often in straight culture but can be an issue in the queer community as well.

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How has navigating the release of the show been in the pandemic?

Honesty great. Love a zoom!

I know you've been learning French this past year, what's your favorite French phrase to say?

Qui, je parle maintenant un peu de français. Basically, I’m trying to learn enough to get cast as Emily’s bag boy on Emily in Paris if Darren Starr is reading this. I take from an adorable little school called CouCou in Silver Lake but they also do classes globally online. I think my favorite phrase is “Je kiff” which is slang for “I like” as in “Je kiff la series Bonding sur Netflix!” And a useful quarantine phrase is “Tu m’as manqué” or “I missed you.”

Bonding is streaming on Netflix, should one slowly savor season 2 or binge?

One simply must binge unless edging is your thing. Then do you. Slowly.

You always turn an amazing look. Where do you get your clothes from?

Luckily I’m quite short so I mostly shop in the women’s sections of thrift stores. I love to throw on something my grandma would wear and have a few of her blouses in my closet. Shoulder pad chic!

For our Grindr audience, are you single and what's your type?

I am dating someone, who is fantastic and I’m very happy to be with. As for type, I’ve been all over the map and mostly looking for someone who can make me laugh.

What're you most looking forward to post-pandemic?

Traveling with friends in a way that is safe, ethical, and won’t set the internet ablaze.

Chances are you’re wearing sweatpants right now, lying fully horizontal on your couch, plotting how soon you can order your next takeout meal. You haven’t left your apartment all week, and you certainly haven’t stepped foot onto a dance floor in days, months, years? Enter: Rubby with a new music video that might just lift you out of your current malaise and transport you to the nightclub you’ve been missing.

“Tight Corridors” is the second single from the Dominican-born, NYC-raised, and now CDMX-based artist’s soon to be released first EP, PÁJARO MALO. The genre-bending dance floor anthem is set to steamy visuals and sharp choreography that nods to rave culture, public sex, and what Rubby calls “femmeraderie.” Check it out for yourself, and don’t blame us if you experience a sharp pang of nostalgia for life Before:

We spoke with Rubby about the project, quarantine, Grindr, and more. Here are some snippets from our conversation, edited for length and clarity:

Hi! Would you like to introduce yourself?

Hey Grindr! My name is Rubby Valentin and I can be anything you want me to be 😏 I was originally born in the Dominican Republic but grew up in Washington Heights, NYC. During the day I'm a corporate girl, but at night I transform into a multi-dimensional fantasy. I've been singing, producing and directing my own music and visual art for the past three years. Some may say I'm a lot to handle, but I think I'm exactly who I am supposed to be. Star me and stay along for the ride.

Where in the world are you right now?

I am currently residing in the beautiful Ciudad de Mexico. I decided to move here three months ago after growing tired of my space and needing some new things to explore and look at.

What's getting you through quarantine?

Quarantining for me has had its ups and downs, but I've tried to keep it interesting with a couple trips to the Oaxacan beaches and mountains. I live with two amazing roommates that keep me entertained, and we might even get a new kitty this week to spice things up 😺

What are you listening to right now?

I've been listening to alot of old jazz, Sade, Jazmin Sullivan's new album, and lots and lots of Shygirl.

Congrats on the new release! Tell us a little bit about the project.

Thank you! “Tight Corridors'' was produced by NYC-based underground DJ Kilbourne and is the second single off of my first EP, PÁJARO MALO. The five-track work is a bilingual, multi-genre project that details the loud and quiet of the queer experience through a unique blend of New World Dembow, R&B, Techno and signature seductive vocals.

What was your inspiration for the song?

The song came about after going to a rave on my birthday, Feb 14, 2020, right before the pandemic hit. I met a guy there, we had a good time, and, the next day, still drunk off the lust, I wrote the lyrics with my good friend and collaborator Sam Pottash in my downtown Philly apartment. Kilbourne and I had actually made the instrumental for the track a year earlier and were trying to find the right vocals and sentiment. The Phil Collins inspired drums mixed with Kilbourne's knack for obscure and wicked sounds birthed “Tight Corridors." Little did I know that this song would inspire me to take my music and visuals to another level—taking more risks, showing more skin, and looking right into the camera.

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In an ideal world, where would be the best place for people to stream this song?

“Tight Corridors” is an anthem for the dancefloor, the bedroom, the cab ride, the morning shower and the night time skin routine. Get into it!

How did you conceptualize this video? I’m getting dark room vibes (RIP), is this based on your experiences there?

OMG! Haha well... yes but no. Any room can be a dark room if you ask me, and that's kinda what happened in real life 🤫 Jokes aside, I conceptualized the video with set designer Sam Waxman and co-director Gabriel Mejia in NYC this past summer. I knew I wanted something outrageous, extremely queer, and, most importantly, empowering of non-normative sexual experiences! I wanted to show the importance of not only sex, but also femmeraderie through cohesive, organized movement and lewks, lewks, lewks (thanks to my amazing stylist Joe Van O). Shout out to my video husband Salvie for the illustration of intimacy, and to my sisters and fellow dancers Sevyn and Nick Wilkinson for breathing life and fluidity into this project. I couldn't have done it without any of these magical people.

You turn quite a few lewks in this video (ok corset!), tell us about your favorites.

Uff!! Bebe, you already know I had to pull through with the lewks! It is all part of the transformation and DNA of Rubby. My favorite look is the white one in the cage with red lighting where I devour my leading man and stare into the camera with my demon eyes. The imagery for that look was inspired by the name of the EP, PÁJARO MALO, which translates to "bad fa***t" (or bird) in colloquial Dominican Spanish. The look is accompanied by incredible special effects makeup by Steven Añazco. I transformed into something so wickedly scary and beautiful, which is kind of like how I felt about my sexuality growing up.

Who are your biggest musical inspirations?

I am inspired by people who push the limit and create their bodies into work and work into bodies. My biggest musical inspirations are Ms. Boogie, James Blake, Fefita La Grande and FKA Twigs.

Are you single? Looking?

I am happily taken but always looking :)

How do you use Grindr?

As someone who has moved three times within the past year, Grindr has been super helpful in finding new friends, lovers, and hot vegan spots to check out. I believe that promiscuity is a good and healthy choice for society (recommended reading: “Unlimited Intimacy: Reflections on the Subculture of Barebacking” by Tim Dean). But most importantly, I believe in the power of consent and intuition.

What's your profile say?

My profile currently says nothing! I get too hung up on which emojis to use and I like a little sense of mystery.

What's next for you after this release?

Life! And of course, my full EP, PÁJARO MALO, releases on all platforms everywhere February 12, 2021. I might even have a couple more tricks up my sleeve.

What are you most looking forward to doing post-pandemic?

I am most looking forward to not having to wear a mask. I am so tired of having to match them with my outfits!

^{Photo by Ramon Christian}

“How would you like me to refer to your genitals?”

“Cock? I guess?” Penis felt clinical, dick felt crass.

I was seated beside sex and intimacy consultant Court Vox in his West Hollywood apartment, about to begin my 4-hour “embodiment session.”

For context: I’m no stranger to therapy. I’ve long been searching for a professional to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I seem to get over my ex? Why do my palms sweat the moment I enter a retail space? Why am I finding it harder to cum?

The pickle

Specifically, when it came to the bedroom, I’ve been feeling increasingly off lately. I was finding it difficult to get out of my head during hookups, analyzing every moment for possible signs of disinterest from my partners (are they enjoying this? am I doing something wrong?), leaving virtually no headspace for pleasure.

Quarantine, of course, didn’t help matters. No longer locking eyes with a potential lover in a bar or, better yet, dark room (RIP), I’m instead home, alone with my neuroses, forced to be intentional and proactive about every sexual encounter (ugh). The fancy prostate stimulator I invested in early-quara was just collecting dust in my bedside drawer (too much work) and most days I skipped masturbating altogether.

Though I consider myself a bottom, I’ve been shying away from bottoming, instead preferring quick, oral scenarios (blow ‘n’ go’s, to use the Grindr parlance) over anything more sustained. And, more often than not, I’ve been brushing my partners’ hands away, saying “it’s fine” and pulling up my underwear to leave without climaxing.

I suspected my antidepressant (shoutout to my girl Lexapro) and 2020 being the least-sexy-year-of-all-time had something to do with it, but I also felt something psychologically deeper was awry. This behavior didn’t feel self-actualized and I wanted to get to the bottom of it (no pun intended).

I tried talking with my regular shrink about these issues but his eyes always seemed to glaze over (or, worse, was he getting... aroused?). Either way, he was useless to me in this department. Talk can only get you so far. So I began searching for an expert, i.e. a sex therapist.

Which brings me to Court Vox. I found him on Instagram of all places, @courtvox, where he identifies as a “sex and intimacy consultant” offering “body-based learning” through immersion retreats at his studio in West Hollywood. His website explains, “My work is designed to nurture, deepen and/or awaken the sensual self.” I was sold.

The session

On the day of my session, Court opened the door to his studio and almost immediately got to work. “Close your eyes and imagine you’re wearing a backpack. Fill it with everything you came here with today: your work stress, your home life, maybe your nerves about this session. Take a deep breath and feel the weight of it all.” I did; it was heavy. “Now take it off.”

With that, he reached for a long rope and my heart started to race. We’re doing rope stuff already? He explained that this rope, tied in a circle, signified our boundaries and trust. We invited various intentions into the space—curiosity, playfulness, eroticism—before he instructed me to stand inside the circle with him and lean backwards, putting my full weight into the rope (trust fall vibes).

At this point I felt like I had stumbled into a college drama class. Intellectually I could guess what he was aiming for with these exercises, but I’m not someone who is typically moved by spiritual, hippy-dippy type stuff. I get it, we have to establish trust, but my anxiety was forcing me to anticipate when exactly the body-based learning would begin.

“Have you ever had your feet washed before?”

“Never,” I laughed. He ushered me to the couch and told me to close my eyes and just focus on the sensation. If my mind started to wander, I was simply to bring it back to the physical feeling in my feet. I tried to relax as he massaged my feet in a way that can only be described as sensual. But my mind was racing, judging the strangeness of this gesture, then judging my judgement of it (I’m exhausting even myself here).

Afterwards, he sat beside me and asked how it felt. “Amazing!” I said, and thanked him. He looked deep into my eyes, waiting.

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Fine, I admitted it made me a little uneasy. “I think I don’t feel comfortable receiving things. Like I start to worry about what I’ll have to do in return or I feel an expectation to perform pleasure and then that takes me out of the moment?”

I thought about it some more. “Maybe I don’t feel worthy?”

And there it was. It sounds textbook (and dramatic) in retrospect, but in the moment this was a revelation to me. He’d unlocked one of my subconscious roadblocks, through a foot rub. This guy was good.

We’d found the focus of our session: cultivating worth. Court explained that this is a very common issue for clients. We get stuck in patterns of giving, oftentimes to deflect from ourselves, and we lose sight of who/what all that giving is actually for.

We returned to the couch to communicate our “agreements” before the final portion which he called: body work. Bingo. He explained the next hour or so was all about me learning to receive pleasure.

Some ground rules

• “I am going to take care of myself. Trust that I will communicate what I need,” and vice versa (can all hookups begin with this incantation?).  
• “Stay in the yellow,” push yourself to places you might not normally go.
• “Don’t yuck someone’s yum, and don’t yum someone’s yuck.” When your partner expresses a fantasy or desire, do your best to make them feel safe and understood in their vulnerability (even if you ultimately decline to engage).

With these agreements in place, Court asked if I preferred to have him undress me or to do so myself, in private. Fearing the intimacy of the former (sadly I can’t recall the last time even a lover has disrobed me), I decided to strip down myself, sprawling out on the massage table and waiting for him to return for the “active massage.” My instructions were to be vocal, ask for what I wanted, move my body in response to touch, and make noise when I felt like it. This wasn’t some rub ‘n’ tug at a cash-only Weho parlor—this was deeper. Together, we would cultivate a mindfulness of touch.

Out of respect for Court’s practice, I won’t delve too deeply into the secrets of body work. It’s a personal, intimate practice, and I wouldn’t want anyone to misconstrue real learning for some sort of perversion. I experienced a different kind of pleasure, one that I had to actively request, and I think I unlocked a suppressed part of me. Having to vocalize my desires empowered me with a sense of confidence I usually lack during hookups (no more mumbling, “I don’t know, what do you want me to do?”). Not to mention, I discovered I enjoy some light flogging (who knew!). After around 20 minutes, I decided to stop early, wanting to end on a high. I was trembling, light-headed, hungry. The duration of a full hour at such intensity frightened me, and Court understood, commending me for listening to my body.

He ran me a shower and when I returned to the living room I saw he had prepared me some fresh fruit and toast. We sat down to chat about what I had felt, to “integrate” the experience. With the big unknown behind us, my anxiety had almost completely evaporated, and it was as if I was talking with a close friend, a mentor even.

I did have one specific question for him, something that had been plaguing me for a while: why do I feel like I have to tense my legs straight in order to cum? It’s like I’m practically planking for an orgasm. Am I alone in this? He laughed, no. Apparently it’s quite common, and has something to do with our physiology: by tensing your legs you’re helping to push the blood flow to the groin area. He said I could try masturbating in different positions, effectively training myself out of the habit (“try jacking off with your feet above your head!”). I had a few more questions, to say the least, but this was only my first session, and I hoped I’d be back.

The old mental health adage of “you’d go to the doctor to fix your broken arm, why wouldn’t you go to a psychiatrist to fix your depression?” should extend to, “why wouldn’t you go to a sexpert to improve your sex life?” We’re conditioned to think sex comes naturally, and it does most times if we’re lucky, but life can twist us in ways that impede this innate pleasure. Sex therapists guide us back to the path of unbridled joy, back to the “big O.” The lessons I learned from Court were really broader philosophical truths.

The bedroom is a microcosm of our entire lives--strengthen your sex life, and that success can only ripple outward.

Before I left, Court had me write a postcard to myself, which he’d mail sometime in the future. Not quite sure how to condense the expanse of my feelings at the time, I quickly scribbled, “You’re a giver, and that’s good, but start taking a little more. And maybe try some light flogging. Love, yourself.”

Everything has changed this year (understatement of the century). Quarantine has forced us to reconstruct our lives in an almost entirely digital space. But they say constraints breed creativity, and that’s definitely the case for Rob Tennent, a recent fashion graduate of Auckland University of Technology in Zealand. Faced with the news that his senior class would no longer have a final runway show due to COVID-19 restrictions and budget cuts, Rob decided to showcase his collection on Grindr.

“The idea came to me as I was scrolling through Grindr and saw a faceless torso sporting a vintage Helmut Lang singlet. This was the lightbulb moment. I thought, if I could get around six accounts to post images in my singlets, it’d look cohesive and would emulate a lookbook/ campaign.” So that’s just what he did.

We spoke with Rob about the project, fashion, Grindr, and more. Here are some snippets from our conversation:

What are you wearing right now?

Sitting in a cafe called Annabel’s, in a pair of vintage Levi’s and a thrifted Acne shirt.

Tell us about your upbringing/coming out experience.

I was born in Cambodia to a Vietnamese mother and a European father. I moved to St. Lucia and Papua, New Guinea for a few years before settling in New Zealand at the age of 12. I then went to an all boys boarding school here for five years, which was certainly a unique experience for a soon-to-be-out queer teenager. (Shout out to my best friends Luca and Tyler, I would have not survived without my gays!) I came out to my dad when I turned 16 and he responded the way any parent should: with love. I then came out to my mum who told me she pretty much knew from my early childhood but never cared to ask. I have been extremely fortunate.  ‍

What made you decide to pursue fashion?

At boarding school, we had a fabric technology class where we had to sew a pencil case in six weeks. I had completed mine in the first week and the teacher encouraged me to try making a shirt or some pants, which I did. I then realised how much I loved doing it and how much more I wanted to learn.

Who are your biggest design influences?

Rick Owens and Helmut Lang.

What's your favorite/least favorite fashion trend fo late?

Favourite: probably bucket hats, I think they are cute. Least would probably be repeating a logo and using it as a print, but I think that is on its way out.

Tell us about your graduate collection.

Originally, I wanted to step away from this aesthetic and go for tailored suits, similar to pieces Phoebe Philo did for Céline. A week before I was due to start this project, we entered a five week lockdown, and then another after that, and I realized I wouldn’t be able to do the original idea. I actually had started these singlets the year before, and I had all the patterns and research already available, so I decided to revisit it and make a second iteration. The cut out ideas were inspired by Helmut Lang’s 2004 collection. I made them all into body suits because I hate it when things come untucked.

Where is the ideal place to wear these designs?

Clubbing for sure. I designed this for the club scene. When you want to show off some skin but not too much. The garment is relaxed yet sensual at the same time.

Why do you think fashion means so much to the LGBTQ+ community?

I think when you feel ostracized, you learn to give less of a fuck as you get more confident in your own skin. For me, I was suppressed for so long in a heterosexual space that as soon as I had any freedom, I went wild with it. Society tells us to hide and be ashamed, so in many ways it is an act of rebellion to be different and expressive. I certainly have been through the phase of finding myself and trying new things such as make up and dressing differently, it’s liberating.

What's New Zeland's queen scene like?

We all exist in our own little bubbles. I try to integrate myself as much as I can but I mainly stick to a smaller crowd. We actually only have one or two gay bars and even then it’s usually the same people. The community is small and especially now without international travel, it has shrunk immensely. There has certainly been a surge in queer parties and safe spaces that are being organised by figures in the community that are determined to make an impact and change. I support where I can and am as vocal as I can be, but I would love to do more. I’d say I sit slightly outside the community, I’m an Aquarius so I’m quite distant and aloof.

What's your Grindr like? Any favorite memories?

I remember being on a school trip in Sydney and chatting to a really hot guy. I snuck out of my hotel room to go on a date with him. Afterwards, I texted my straight roommate telling him to go for a long walk so I could have this guy over. While we were hooking up I heard a knock on the door—it was my teacher telling me to get ready for dinner while this guy was literally standing behind the door fully naked! I don't know how I got away with it. Three years later, we still keep in touch. He has come to Auckland and I have gone to Sydney and we stay with each other each time. A very special man! That’s probably the most successful memory I have.

What's been getting you through quarantine?

Comfort food. Mac ‘n’ cheese. Instant Raman noodles. Brownies.

What's next for you?

I am just going to enjoy New Zealand summer and everything it has to offer! I realised I have never explored the small towns in our beautiful country, so I will be road tripping around with my little film camera. I will continue creating content and working with brands here, but probably will move in a year or so! I’d love to maybe publish another book or dabble in film/directing. No set plan, just going with the flow!

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These days internet gift guides are as common as holiday films (of which, they are 82 out this season, including several of queer offerings for the first time). There are gift guides for boyfriends, gift guides for practicing self-care, and even gift guides that recommend a $2,000 Ouija Board.

So how does one subvert gift guides’ most common trope, experts select gifts for a niche audience, for a publication such as this? By consulting a population that has lots of recommendations, but virtually no expertise: Gay Twitter — where the takes are hot and the brains are smooth. (I can say this, as a card-carrying member.)

I surveyed seven Gay Twitter personalities for holiday gift recommendations giving them no theme or guidance when I made my request. Their picks range from the super dystopian to the super gay, with candles being a common theme in both buckets.

Each contributor included one gift, like for a boyfriend, and one stocking stuffer, like for a hot stranger who lives in a different state that you’ve been DMing since mid-March.

Alex Abad-Santos, @alex_abads | New York, NY

Gift

I'm financially slutty and irresponsible when it comes to candles, so if you really want to impress someone with a great present, go with Byredo's candles ($85) —  Ambre Japonais, Peyote Poem, and Bibliotheque are my favorites. Yes, they're pretentious — instead of telling you what they smell like, Byredo has fashioned tiny, flowery vignettes for each scent — and they're expensive, but a fancy candle is one way to make someone's space feel a little more livable this time of year through the seemingly inevitable next wave of lockdowns.

Stocking stuffer

‍Is it bleak to give someone a mask as a stocking stuffer? Yes probably, but unless you've got an in at Moderna or Pfizer, masks will continue to be a fixture in our sad realities. The best one I've tried is from a company called AsWeMove whose pre-mask claim to fame is performance, dancey-looking underwear. The masks, called Stealthshields ($15), are the most comfortable and breathable I've tried and kinda make you look like a superhero at the same time. They're also really great to work out in (if gyms and outdoor training are still open and happening).

B Graeter, @the_petshopboy | New York, NY

Gift

‍My pick for a gift is a puppy (Priceless), to give you bitches a reason to sit your ass at home this holiday pandemic season. Tired? Pics of your trips back and forth to Tulum, Puerto Vallarta, and Miami at the height of uncontrolled viral spread. Wired? Pics of you and your puppy — at home.

Stocking stuffer

‍Alcohol consumption has increased across the board this year, with Nielsen reporting alcohol online sales increasing over 250% from 2019. Drinking through (at least the first half of) 2021, is no excuse for your skin to suffer. Some of y’all need to include more water in your daily diets, and a Soda Stream ($50) is the perfect way to remedy that. Replace straight vodka with vodka sodas, and your skin complexion will thank you come vaccine time!

Jarett Wieselman, @jarettsays | Los Angeles, CA

Gift

When lockdown ends, I want to emerge looking fresher and younger than I did when it started. That’s why I’ve spent far too much money trying out new skincare routines and I gotta tell you, nothing compares to SkinCeuticals. This Biocellulose Restorative Mask ($120) is one of my favorites, and I’ve been paying careful attention to get as much of the serum as possible around my forehead and eye area (anything visible with a mask on). You truly can’t go wrong with any of their ridiculously expensive but very effective products — plus now I can say with confidence that it costs a lot to look this good.

Stocking stuffer

‍I wasn’t a big homebody before lockdown (mostly just used my apartment for sleeping and, well…) so I didn't really need cute clothes for just lounging around the house. But now that I haven’t had to put on jeans for nine months, I’ve basically been living in these super soft and surprisingly chic Pair Of Thieves sweatpants ($60).

Michael Benjamin, @mfbenji | Los Angeles, CA

Gift

‍My favorite type of gifts to give are small items that are useful but that you’d never buy yourself, such as a pizza cutter shaped like a race car ($25). No one would buy themselves a race car pizza cutter because that’s frivolous, but being gifted one? Brilliant. It’s a fun gift that has a clear purpose. The next time you bake a Trader Joes’s pizza, you’re going to be thrilled to slice that baby with your double-bladed utensil.

Stocking Stuffer

‍Play-Doh ($5). Everyone likes Play-Doh. It’s creative for kids, and it’s a great stress-reliever for adults. Also, my mom always said everyone needs a toy to open during the holidays, even adults, and Play-Doh is the perfect toy that can sit in a desk drawer and keep you entertained while you’re stuck on endless Zoom calls.

R. Eric Thomas, @oureric | Baltimore, MD

Gift

‍People say taste in artwork is subjective but that doesn’t apply if you have good taste. Channel your inner Thomas Crown by giving your friends and relatives a firm push in the interior decor department with a limited edition giclee print by Kadir Nelson ($405-$755), and make sure to remind them that Nelson’s artwork has been featured on the cover of “The New Yorker” multiple times, for that extra dash of taste cred.

Stocking Stuffer

Whether the gift recipient has gotten really into meal prep or is working their way through “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat,” they’ll be surprised by how many uses they can find for a food scale ($14.95). From measuring macros to making macarons, this gift will transform everyone’s food game. And who doesn’t want to weigh their meat?

T. Kyle MacMahon, @tkylemac | New York, NY

Gift

‍Since I'm gay and immunocompromised, two things keeping me company while I'm alone at home during the COVID-19 pandemic are candles and endless cups of iced coffee. Not to sound like an infomercial host, but did you know it’s possible to chill hot coffee in under a minute without melting the ice, watering your coffee down, and completely ruining it? You didn’t? Enter the HyperChiller ($25), which has been making my quarantined mornings (and afternoons, and sometimes evenings) much more pleasant.

Stocking Stuffer

‍My favorite type of candles are three-wick candles; I won’t say which brand because #notsponsored. There was a time when those candles required me to walk to the bodega to buy grill lighters in order to keep my candles lit  (I had a bad incident with a match once, don’t ask.) This flexible rechargeable USB lighter ($14), that I will shamelessly admit I bought after seeing James Charles talk about it on YouTube, eliminates the need for matches or a bulky grill lighter altogether. Sister sustainable.

Anonymous

In a rare show of discretion, one member of Gay Twitter elected to give his recommendation off the record. His advice was too sage not to share. “Just tell the girls to buy a ring light to fix their nudes and call it a day.”

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A picture is worth a thousand words, but great photography transcends language.

Texas Isaiah - who has built a platform on the foundations of mutual care and respect through the camera lens, reminds us of the beauty found in being different. From projects like Image is an Offering that centers Black trans and gender expansive people loving themselves to their recent work Intimacy in Isolation - which was in the New York Times -  Texas continues to affirm the idea that even in our darkest moments, there is much to be said with one snap of a photo.

“Doing photography has taught me about connectivity and establishing relationships,” he says, noting that photography isn’t just about getting the right photo, but about helping others to feel seen. “It’s about establishing community and images help me provide different methods of caretaking and mutual respect for those who look and live like me.”

Through his talent, he has been able to redefine representation by highlighting stories that are often left out of traditional media.

“Doing photography for me is about celebrating heritage,” he shares, noting that he knew photography was his calling after doing his first full length project because it gave him the space to think about the intersections of his identity. “When I did Blackness, It gave me the opportunity to document and celebrate the diversity of the African diaspora who also highlighted the spectrums across gender and sexuality. This was important for me as this allowed me to be more vulnerable with myself and the people in the project”.

For Texas Isaiah, being behind the camera is a testament to the power of Black trans people and how one photograph can redefine the definition of representation. “For me, it’s about the proximity to the art,” he says. “It’s knowing that so many Black trans people will never have the chance to work with someone who understands their story. I think that is what fascinates me about this work. There is really a talent for capturing Black (trans) people, specifically in their full image.”

While Texas believes there are many things that photographers can learn from his work, he hopes they also learn from his trajectory as a Black trans person. “I think we need to delve deeper into conversations around compassion for others and for self,” he shared.

“My work is not only about showing intimacy, but also about reminding people that they don’t have to choose a singular path to establish career artistry.”  

Following this idea has led to great success for Texas. Recently he had the chance to work with big names like Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union for Times, and his long time idol Janet Mock. “There is just something so magical about Black people,” he says, noting how working with them helped him better understand the need to think outside the box.

Upon asking him what advice he would give other queer photographers during this time, he noted how important it is to not feel pressured to be someone they’re not behind the camera. For Texas Isaiah, the most beautiful part of being a photographer is embracing the process.

“For young Black, queer, disabled, trans/gender expansive people I would say that the most important part of this process is being okay with time,” he explains. “It’s your right to protect your work and your legacy. Feel free to take your time in developing your projects and don’t feel like you have to rush the process. Oh, and always ask questions. It will save you in the end.”

Above all, his message continues to be one that is loud and clear.

“Community can be found in photography and always remember to follow your heart.”  

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I have a confession to make: there is nothing I enjoy more on this planet than a rim job. When perched on someone’s face, I’m a king on his throne. Nothing else matters except the tongue tickling, teasing and penetrating my hole.

“Anilingus feels so good because the anus is loaded with sensitive nerve endings, such as pacinian corpuscles, which respond to vibration and pressure, as well as free nerve endings which respond to temperature and touch,” Cam Fraser, Australia’s leading men’s sex coach, tells Grindr. “Thus, stimulating the area between the genitals and the anus (the perineum), the anus itself, and even the area leading up to the tailbone, especially with a tongue, can all create fantastically pleasurable sensations.”

Beyond feeling fucking fantastic, the taboo nature of the act can be incredibly arousing. It can also help bottoms settle into a sexual experience. “The more relaxed you are, the less tension you hold in your body, including your pelvic floor and anus,” Fraser explains. “So by spending time helping a sexual partner relax into a sexual encounter through external stimulation of the anus, you can help them open and be better prepared for anal penetration.”

For adult performer Diggory, the proud owner of a nine-inch cock, sex can be difficult without it. “Rimming is an essential part of getting my boys ready to get fucked, both physically and mentally,” he tells Grindr. “Just like all good foreplay, it's all about building anticipation of what's to come.”

Since rimming is an integral component of a queer man’s sexual repertoire, I figured some credibly-sourced tips on the matter wouldn’t hurt. So settle in students, it’s time for a lesson on rimjobs.

Practice safer Rimming

As is true for just about any sexual activity that involves potentially mixing bodily fluids and intimate areas with one another, taking the proper precautions to ensure you’re both protected should be considered. Hepatitis A, herpes, HPV, and gonorrhea can all be transmitted via rimjobs––some through feces and others through skin-to-skin contact, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Bacterial infections, like e.coli, salmonella as well as giardia, a microscopic parasite, can be transmitted through rimming as well. Generally speaking, it is wise to avoid rimming if your sexual partner is experiencing symptoms of a possible stomach bug as they may be more likely to transmit bad bacteria.

Before tongue hits hole, make sure your bum—as well any other areas that may be involved—is clean as a whistle about 30 to 60 minutes beforehand. While you don’t have to douche (the tongue won’t be penetrating more than half an inch deep; but, to be fair, rimming can lead to deeper penetration), cleaning the area with an antibacterial soap or butt scrub will suffice.

When it comes to how clean the area should be, Diggory advises you talk it out with your sexual partner beforehand. “Some guys like a hole to be shower-fresh, others like a bit of sweat and musk,” he says. “Just relax and get comfortable, because I'm going to be down there for a while.”

Barrier methods are another way to practice safer rimming, the most sensical being a dental dam. While not as commercially available as condoms, there is a simple and effective hack: grab a pair of scissors, remove the reservoir tip, slice the condom length-wise, and voila! You’ve got yourself a DIY dental dam.

Assume the position

While the most popular position is on all fours, there are a number of different ways you as the recipient can position yourself, each of which offers different physical sensations. Ideally, you want easy access to your hole and the ability to spread your cheeks.

You can lay on your back with your knees held high (place a pillow under your lower back for leverage), get real comfy and lay flat on your stomach (a pillow is helpful here as well), perch firmly on their face, or, as a flexible someone on Instagram informed me, attempt the “plough pose,” where your legs are planted over your head and your hole is hoisted up in the air, presenting itself like a holiday ham.

Build anticipation

It’s a tired cliche, but when it comes to rimming, slow and steady wins the hole. I understand that you’re hungry and eager to dive in but, as with all things anal, you need to romance the area first.

“There’s an intensity that comes with the desire to really get up in there and go to town on a hot hole when it’s in your face, but you need to slow it down,” veteran porn performer and director, Nick Capra, says. “I’ve noticed men respond more to slow tongues––tease it with slow circular motions.”

Don’t start directly on the anus, make the hole anticipate the tongue. “Start slowly by gently kissing around the perineum and build your way toward the anus by circling your tongue around the outer area before sucking and nibbling the anus directly, even inserting your tongue into the opening,” Fraser says.

Mix it up

If you’re rolling your eyes out of boredom while someone’s tongue-deep in your hole, they’re not doing it right. The same routine gets boring real quick, so switch up your technique.  

“Tongue that hole like you're making out with it,” Diggory says. “Swirl your tongue in circles, flick around with just the tip, go in deep, give him some good long licks right from the balls all the way up his ass crack.”

Both soften and flex your tongue, lick every little fold in the hole as these host the most nerve-endings. Flirt with speed, direction and pressure. Lap it up like an ice cream cone using your entire tongue, then point and penetrate, getting in real deep. If the mood feels right and you’re given consent, rub the head of your cock against the hole and give it a nice tease.

Eating ass can put a lot of strain on your tongue and jaw and sometimes you need a break. This is where you can tag in a sex toy—like a vibrating butt plug or prostate massager—and use it internally, externally or both until you’re ready to dive back in.

If you’re not keen on the taste of butt, use an edible lube (bonus: lube can enhance sensation and allows for easier entry and movement), or offer them booty scrubs in tasty flavors like glazed donut or vanilla latte. When in doubt, spell out the ABC’s with your tongue.

“Oh! And grow a beard,” Diggory adds. “Guys seem to really like the feel of mine against their booty.”

Beyond the hole

A good rimjob doesn’t have to be—and shouldn’t be—limited to the rim area. “Remember that it's a whole ass experience, so use your hands too,” Diggory says. “Grab and massage his butt cheeks, pull them apart so you can get your face in further, kiss and nibble around his cheeks and down the back of his thighs.”

Read the cues

We all experience pleasure differently, so techniques that work for some might not work for others. The most important thing to do is listen to how the recipient is responding, listen for moans and read their body language. Capra says these cues become your compass to do more or less of something.

One thing that never gets old? Enthusiasm. I would argue it is the most important facet as all. As an Instagram friend concludes, “You’re not done until your beard is drenched.”

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Dear Dad

My BF is having a hard time Cumming lately. He says it isn’t me and I’m trying not to take it personal but it’s making me feel insecure. Is there anything I can say or do?

—No Cummies

NC,

To cum or not to cum, that is the predicament. On one hand, I truly do believe that everyone goes through periods where their sexual libido is lower than usual. I myself have had full years where I simply wasn’t in the mood. On the other hand, it sounds like you’re actively having sex and he can’t cum, which is a bird of a different feather.

Some men already have high orgasm thresholds (the length of time it takes to cum) so if/when certain life variables add more to that threshold, it can seem impossible to climax. The first thing to do is see if he can orgasm by himself—usually people with high thresholds find it much easier to produce an orgasm when they’re by themselves. If he can make himself cum, albeit with some sweat and hard work, then you both need to adjust to what is arousing him when he’s by himself and adapt it to your shared sex life.

How does your partner masturbate? Are they watching porn? Thinking of a memory? Using a prostate stimulator? Make sure you get a good sense of his arousal process during his one-on-one time.

Once you get back to the bedroom integrate the ways he arouses himself and allow yourself plenty of time for foreplay. The most exciting part of penetrative sex is right when you/they enter. Whether your partner is a top or a bottom, you’ll want to get them as highly aroused as possible before you start intercourse to ensure they reach climax.

Work with your partner and communicate your needs and you should have them back squirting like a fountain in no time.

My partner of 4 years just told me that he voted for Trump. I’m so horrified. I knew he had some conservative views but I never thought he’d do this. Is it crazy to break up with him?

—Biden’s bottom

BB,

Your partner voted for someone who is actively harming the queer community—that includes you. I don’t like to tell people what to do in such a straightforward “yes” or “no” way, but bb, welcome to singlehood.

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I am 35 years old and have never had a serious relationship, is something wrong with me?

—Party for one

PFO,

Um, no. That’s the first part of my answer. Nothing is wrong with you. There’s no prescriptive formula for how to live a life, and as queer people we definitely don’t have to fall into the antiquated ideology that a romantic relationship equates to success in any way.

Let me ask you something, do you have meaningful friendships? Do you have family members you care about? A romantic partnership can be a beautiful thing, but it is not the only “serious” relationship that there is in the world.

Single people are not pariahs of society that must be kept hidden from the eyes of partnered people and nuclear families. Being single is a valid lifestyle.

I know many people who having dated around find that they’re happiest when they’re single. I also know people who thought they’d be single forever and find a partner in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s.

A partner can be a wonderful addition to a person’s life, and they can be a spawn sent from hell to torture you to your core. It’s all relative. It’s your life. If you end up finding a partner, great. If you’re single, fabulous. No matter what, I know this is true—no one can make you happy—a party for one is all you need.

I just moved to Portland and I haven’t had sex in a couple months and am ready but idk anyone…what should I do?

—Horny and New

HON,

Now, because you’re writing to me I know that you know what the app Grindr is and what it does. So let’s start there. Get on the app, look around your new city, and say hi to people who you’re interested in. I’ve been to Portland and let me tell you, the homosexuals there are on all the apps. Make connections and go on dates (maybe virtual dates for now) and you’ll slowly begin to build a community of friends, friends with benefits, sex partners, romantic partners, and probably a few acquaintances who randomly know how to juggle.  

Now, let’s talk precautions…

No, I’m not going to give you the PrEP talk, I’m referring to COVID-19. We are at a critical point where America is worse off than it was in April. Please be careful. Try meeting someone virtually over FaceTime or Video Chat first, get tested regularly, and follow your state’s safety protocols etc.

Welcome to a special edition of Whorescopes. This Scorpio szn, in honor of the Scorpi-Ho of the zodiac, we’re showing off each zodiac sign’s signature Grindr pick-up line. Oh it’s about to get down right cosmic in here.

Scorpio

Scorpio szn is all about being…direct.

Sagittarius

Playing hard to get is for chumps.

Capricorn

When a Capricorn tells you something, they mean it.

Aquarius

An artist always recognizes a great canvas.

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Pisces

In the game of love, Pisces trust their instincts.

Aries

Great taste sets the ram’s heart aflame.

Taurus

The fastest way to a man’s heart? The anus.

Gemini

The twins have two minds about everything, even their hookups.

Cancer

Deny the sensitive crab and they’ll fall even deeper for you.

Leo

Make sure you pay your respects to the regal lion…or else.

Virgo

Virgo’s turn-ons include: cash, check or credit card.

Libra

Libras love to show their gratitude.