How to Be a Good Hag

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a hag.

This is a woman who spends much of her time with homosexual men. Some of the most important men in my life were gay guys: my childhood best friend, Michael Cuby, my favorite high school teacher, Dr. Talone, and Ryan Seacrest (like Britney Spears, I would later find this to be false). They taught me about the depths of friendship, long division, and Kelly Clarkson.

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Gay men were also my gateway drug to realizing I was a lesbian… gays and Roxanne from A Goofy Movie. My queerness was learned long before I knew any real-life dykes.

Much of my life has been dedicated to the army of gay men I love, sometimes that included lessons on Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi performance at the 2009 VMAs or getting a rather harsh critique on what to wear to my first gala (he was right, and my shoes were wrong). It also included a certain video of Tarzan and Mailo from Atlantis. I’ve given many hours–too many in fact–to late-night afters. I’m off-book on the Moulin Rouge Elephant Medley and most of the choreography in Chicago. I’ve gifted enemas (highly recommend Du). I’ve helped select nudes to post on Close Friends. I have pissed plenty in the trough at Animal. I’ve administered bumps of ketamine like I’m working a shift at The Pitt.

I’ve been the first girl guys have come out to, and sometimes the last girl a guy has kissed. I patiently taught The Idol’s “World Class Sinner” routine to an off-beat but incredibly committed group of gays on Fire Island. I’ve watched Eating Out (2004) against my better judgment and arguably against my will. I’ve been a shoulder to cry on for bad breakups and again for run-ins with those same exes. I’ve done coffee runs in the dead of winter and listened to voice memos over 11 minutes long. Why? Because I love being gay with my guys.

Hag had become my part-time job. Homosexual was my second language.

So by the time the mass hysteria of Heated Rivalry hit, I was already well-versed in the eroticism of barebacking. Straight women seemed to be catching up to what lesbians knew all along: gay sex is really hot. Personally, I first learned this while watching The Kids Are All Right (2010).

Boys on boys are nothing new, but the hypersexualization of the Heated Rivalry cast is hitting levels of fanatical fervor not seen since the days of Larry Stylinson. M/M romance, with a demographic largely made up of both straight and queer women, has gone mainstream. Fujoshi or “rotten girl”, which is a Japanese slang term that refers to female consumers of Boy Love media, has reached the masses, and the girls have gone wild. Fandom is one thing, but the objectification and obsession with the personal lives of the real actors is another. Fans have accused actor Francois Arnaud (40) of grooming his co-star Connor Storrie (26) after paparazzi photos surfaced of the duo together at the airport. Celebrity gossip site, DeuxMoi, outed Hudson Williams’ girlfriend, which resulted in both racial slurs and accusations of ‘queerbaiting’.

And though the widespread popularity of Heated Rivalry is a net positive indicator, especially in today’s political climate, it gives me pause. Gay men and more importantly queer culture are not something to exploit, something to try on or gawk at, rather than actively engage with in real life.

Allyship must be more than watching two boys kiss. And this commodification of #Hollanov tells me one thing: We’ve lost the art of being a good hag.

As Kamala Harris once said, there’s some education that needs to be done. Straight girls, please have some decorum. If you get invited to the gay club, act accordingly… or at least act normal! But I promise this isn’t another thinkpiece on the breakout show or worse, its stars. This is a masterclass from the head hag herself, me.

…Margaret Cho wasn’t available.

Like most Queer labels and language, Hag–short for Fag Hag–has uglier origins, dating back to the 1970s. The original definition of the word likened women who loved the company of gay men to spinsters, having much to do with their physical appearance or presumed loneliness. But long gone are the days when “hag’ was inflammatory or derogatory. The definition has morphed into something more celebratory or just something simpler: a girl who doesn’t play about her gay guys. A woman who keeps her friends close, and her gay friends closer.

Like most queer labels and language, it’s time to reclaim the word. It’s no longer just women on the fringes of society who have taken a liking to the comfort and occasional chaos of queer men. The identifier is no longer limited to straight girls, either. Hags can be lesbians too, and we often make the best ones. Despite some cultural differences and bedtimes, lesbians and gays love each other. Straight women would be nothing without their gay guys, and gay guys would be nothing without their dykes. In this particular exchange, there is a baseline of queer understanding and pure camaraderie.

As Lily Allen (likely regrettably) once said in her song, Fag Hag, “I could be your fag hag / And you could be my gay.” Maybe refrain from quoting those lyrics directly, but knowing the B-side of The Fear is a great first step in Hag culture.

I am well aware gay guys are not a monolith, at least not the cis white ones, and all rules below may not apply! But as someone who has served my country (i.e., most neighborhoods of Brooklyn and Los Angeles County) as a hag, I promise many of these lessons are tried and true.

How to be a good hag (from a big dyke):

1. Keep the house lights off. Honestly, adjust your overhead lighting when having anyone on the higher end of the Kinsey scale over your home. A standard alternative would be lamps; a sophisticated approach would be candlelight. For some, total darkness is also an option.
2. A good hag keeps her finger on the pulse. I almost always know who is being canceled and exactly why. Being a hag at the bare minimum keeps you well-read, even if the source material is occasionally Pop Crave.
3. It’s “boots, that’s my ego boost.”
4. A hag listens and does not judge. My friend Meg Zukin, heterosexual hag of San Francisco, said it best, “A hag is not afraid or repulsed or perturbed or disturbed by subcultures.” To put it plainly, there are positions I have never even heard of before my circle became largely gay guys. I listened. I learned. And in return for hearing out the hyper-specific sexual appetite of my closest gay friends, I’ve developed a larger vocabulary and a firmer grip on my own desire.
5. You don’t need to know what goes on in the men’s steam room at Equinox, but everything you think is probably right.
6. Gay guy music video night can look like anything: Alyssa Liu skating to Pink Pantheress, or my personal favorite, the rain dance scene from Step Up 2: The Streets. It does not need to be a music video for it to be life-changing. Always come prepared. We are all students in the space.
7. Understand that most queer parties sound like a riddle. Don’t ask questions, just say yes and! Spaghetti Strap at Signal. Faggots are Women. Papi Juice at Elsewhere. There are Rupi Kaur poems everywhere for those with eyes to see...
8. Consume more than Heated Rivalry. Go see Pillion! Rewatch Moonlight! Girl, read Baldwin or at least Out Magazine!
9. Hags must have a flair for drama. If you find yourself in an all-gay-guy group chat, just know Zara Larsson’s midnight sun shines brightly on you. The messiest place in America is the group chat of 3+ gay men.
10. Be prepared to have your own way home. Not all bodies are built for the afters. Mine shuts down around 3 AM. And there will be a witching hour when your gay guy group may want to fuck, and it will not be with you. A lesson I had to learn twice.
11. Hold your gay guys accountable. This is the most important rule. Progressive values don’t stop at the pride flag — and even the most well-meaning gay can have blind spots when it comes to inclusion, advocacy, and keeping his politics intersectional. Is his friend group all circuit gays with six packs? Let’s talk about it! And kind of quickly! Gay guys and the girls that love them all have to make sure the word “intersectional” doesn’t only show up in an Instagram post, but in actual daily practice. Not all gay guys are created equal. They have not all earned hag status! That said, a hag is here to help. A hag is here to keep us all honest when needed.

Hags are an integral part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I would go as far as motioning to add an ‘H’ in there, but that acronym is already too damn long. Gay guys, feel free to forward this to your favorite hag, your local hag, or even your aspiring hag. This functions both as a thank you note and a social contract we can all sign to link and build a better (read: gayer) world.

When done right, hags and gay guys can be the best kind of friends with benefits.

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