A List of Famous Mothers I Would Come Out To

We gays are nothing without our Mothers.

Whether in the traditional sense (as in my own mother, who is fabulously supportive and definitely reading this — hi mom!), the found family sense, or the parasocial sense offered by a fabulous, older woman/icon, our mothers shape us. It is through our mothers that we come to understand glamour and thereby life itself. They offer formative examples of what care and love look like in action, and for that we must be eternally grateful.

In honor of Mother’s Day, and to commemorate mothers everywhere, I’ve compiled a list of famous mothers I would come out to, were I in such a position to do so again. These mothers radiate warmth, safety, a loving embrace or otherwise some predisposition toward the community. Please note that this is markedly different from a typical mother list; Toni Collette in Hereditary will not be on this list despite being on my personal Mount Rushmore of onscreen mothers. And I am avoiding the obvious here because of course we would all come out to Love, Simon’s mom. 

Madonna (Confessions era)

There is of course never a bad time to come out to Madonna, the Material Girl has always stood with us. But as we’re experiencing anew with her oh so hotly anticipated Confessions II (did somebody say Exxxclusive Grindr Picture Disc Vinyl?!), M has never loved her gays more! Some might say she makes us Feel So Free… 

Joyce Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Given how cool she is with her daughter being the savior of the universe, all things considered, a gay kid feels like light work. Plus, any connection to Sarah Michelle Gellar automatically justifies inclusion here.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Speaking of which. 

Meredith Marks, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Most of RHOSLC season 2 is predicated on Jen Shah’s routine defrauding of the elderly. Let us not forget, though, that Meredith spent the beginning of that season taking Jen to task for liking homophobic tweets (remember when likes were public?) about her gay son Brooks. Later that season, Meredith is accused of calling the Feds on Jen, which she may or may not have done, but regardless karma is a funny little thing.

Sue Ann “Ma” Ellington, Ma

Hear me out. Yes, the way Ma treats her daughter is abominable. She is manic and does not exist in reality. But this is not a list of upstanding mothers! This is a list of mothers I would come out to, and those same traits that make her such a wretched actual mother also apply to most gay people worth knowing. Just imagine, for a moment, queening out with her… I rest my case.

Janet, The Lady Starfish That Pretended to Be Patrick’s Mom On That One SpongeBob Episode

Janet does not seem to be an actual mother, but she clearly wants to be and would be really honored that I took the time and energy to open up to her. Additionally, that fuck ass purple wig on her head is DRAG.

Cirie Fields, Survivor

Not that I would need to, given her preternatural ability to know everyone’s secrets before they inevitably tell her. But she would be really nice about it, right before turning around and telling RizGod and Ozzy.

Stacy’s Mom, “Stacy’s Mom”

She’d just be relieved I wasn’t trying to f*ck her. Ideally she would let me play around in her closet.

Lisa Todd Wexley, And Just Like That…

This diva!!!! I miss her every day.

Norma Desmond, in any form but especially as portrayed by Glenn Close, Sunset Boulevard

Grandiose divas, especially those with tenuous grips on reality, are innately safe spaces. 

Beverly Sutphin, Serial Mom

Not only would she be accepting, she would also find out the names, addresses, and social security numbers of every person who has ever called me a f-slur, and whatever happens next is none of my business.

The Theoretical Version of Charli xcx That Has Children, “I think about it all the time”

She’s a radiant mother.

Alicia Carmody, The Real Housewives of Rhode Island

Honestly, any of the mothers of the bunch, but mainly I just want to know what insane sequence of words never before conceived in the English language  would follow from Alicia. 

Gwyneth Paltrow

Goop Kitchen is a pillar of the community, and her daughter is literally named Apple.

Joan Crawford but specifically the Mommie Dearest version

Same diva logic as Norma, and I would be right next to her, bullying Christina for putting that dress on a wire hanger. As well as for being a shit actress.

Ms. Tina Knowles

I mean, come on now.

Jamie Lee Curtis when Lindsay Lohan is in her body,aky Friday

This came out in 2003 so it’s hard to say whether Tess (JLC’s character, apparently) would be pro-queer, but LiLo has always been for us.

“Your mom,” proverbially

This poor woman takes it from everyone, for every possible reason, and would therefore have no energy to be homophobic.

Laura Dern, in or out of any of her roles

Must I say more?