Ten months ago, we published a blog post outlining our expansion of image rules to include underwear. It was a critical step towards our mission of allowing the Grindr community to express themselves more freely. Today, we are announcing another exciting update to our rules, which includes more butts!

Let’s start with Grindr’s philosophy on image policies. We believe:

• All of our members deserve fair and equal treatment, regardless of gender, body type, or other physical attributes. Anything other than this is discrimination.
• Moderation policies should be clear, easy to understand, and easy to enforce, without much room for interpretation or bias.
• There are many contexts where showing skin is not considered pornographic by the app store policies we’re bound to, even in the context of a dating app.

When creating our rules and guidelines, we concentrated first on ways to remove bias and discrimination from the moderation process as much as possible. We recognize that assessments of how sexual a photo is can be influenced by common gender biases: how much skin someone shows, how much body hair they are expected to have, how the fat on their body is distributed, etc.

In addition to general moderation training, our moderators regularly receive specific training on bias, gender, microaggressions, and discrimination, to help them make as fair and equitable decisions as possible. We also do not take body hair or body type (or, body hair type) into consideration when reviewing photos.

Here are our new guidelines for public profile images

The following is Not Allowed:

• Pornographic images & depictions of sex acts
• Full frontal or graphic nudity

The following is Allowed:

• People of all bodies (all ethnicities, all sizes, all genders, and all identities) expressing their sexuality joyfully
• Underwear photos
• Non-pornographic sexual poses
• Some images of buttocks if they are non-graphic and without an overly sexual context

While we are committed to sex-positivity, and hope that most of our users enjoy the new guidelines, we also know that not everyone is comfortable seeing that extra bit of skin. For those people, we recommend filtering your grid to only show people who have a face photo as their primary image. We hope to have more ways to customize and personalize your experience in the future.

We’ve come a long way with image policies in the last year, and are proud to say that our policies are now more intuitive, inclusive, and less prone to bias. We hope that the vast majority of our users will feel confident in understanding our rules and uploading their photos without fear of the images being rejected. In general, our guidelines are very similar to Instagram and YouTube in terms of what we do and don’t allow.

That said, there will always be images that push the limits of what is clearly allowed, and we do have to draw the line to prohibit what the app stores consider pornography. It’s extremely difficult to accurately define what is and isn’t pornographic. As United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart famously said, “…I know it when I see it.”

We, however, have to define it in a way that is less vague, and so we have set criteria to help our moderators make informed decisions:

• Pose - Is the pose sexually suggestive?
• Context - Is the image in a private, intimate, or sexual setting? Is there more than one person in the image, or props that need to be considered?
• Nudity - Is there a focus on genitals, even if clothed? (Keep in mind that any explicit nudity must be rejected regardless.)

If the image includes sexual content in only one out of the three categories, it is more likely to be acceptable. If it has sexual content in all three, then it should be rejected. If a photo has sexual content in two out of the three categories, it’s an edge case and needs to be evaluated individually, keeping all aspects of the image in mind.

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When determining edge cases or boundary-pushing images, we’ll consider the apparent intent of the image. Of course it’s hard to know exactly what someone hopes to convey when they upload an image to Grindr, but we draw the line between these two scenarios:

• Allowed: Hey, look at me, don’t I look attractive and like you might want to have sex with me some time?
• Not allowed: Hey, I bet this image makes you imagine yourself in this exact scenario with me having sex just like this…

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A note on gender and nudity:

We are working towards gender-inclusive photo rules for our community instead of holding men, women, and nonbinary people to different standards. Unfortunately due to the current app store policies, we must include women’s nipples as a prohibited nudity category in our photo policies. Men and nonbinary people are allowed to show their nipples.

Given the millions of users who use the app every day, we moderate a lot of profile images.  In addition to our (amazing) human moderation team, we do also auto-approve some images that our artificial intelligence system classifies as “definitely not pornography.” This helps our team to focus on those difficult edge cases, and to ensure that any rejected image is done so after careful consideration. That said, both AI and humans can sometimes get things wrong, so you may see images on Grindr that don’t perfectly fit within the rules we’ve outlined above. If that’s the case, we would love for you to let us know by flagging and reporting the profile so our team can take another look.

We hope that explaining the thought process behind our image moderation practices helps you understand what is and isn’t allowed, and why. Our moderation team works hard to help Grindr feel like an inclusive, sex-positive, and fun place to be.

In 2016, after consulting with countless LGBTQ activists, public health officials, and Grindr users, we added the optional HIV status field to give users more choice in the sexual health information they share, as well as more visibility around sexual health information in general. We followed the same process when we added the “vaccinated” tag upon launch of our My Tags feature so that users had more ways to exchange information about how they were managing the COVID-19 epidemic. Today, we are taking the next step in that process, once again following consultation with our public health partners and our own users, many of whom have been choosing to highlight their vaccination status, for multiple vaccines, in the “About Me” section of their profiles.

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That’s why we’re rolling out a vaccination status field which allows users to share whether they’ve accessed shots for COVID-19, monkeypox, and meningitis. COVID-19 has obviously impacted the entire world, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity; monkeypox has had a disproportionate and particular presence in our global queer community; and meningitis has hit our community particularly hard this calendar year, specifically in the US state of Florida.

We strive to provide the tools for Grindr users to have open conversations about their health and optimally communicate with each other about these crucial topics. We're also committed to maintaining our privacy and data security by only using this information to allow users to be transparent with people they meet, and never sharing it with advertising partners. This small addition will move us forward in that mission, while also creating additional pathways for users to learn about these health concerns.

Journalist Eric Marcus, founder and host of the Making Gay History podcast, has interviewed many queer pioneers in his day, but there’s something special about his interview with trans activist Marsha P. Johnson, a beloved figure in the LGBTQ civil rights movement, and Randy Wicker, one of the most visible gay rights activists of the 1960s.

As part of our Pride series on queer history, Eric has distilled an excerpt of their conversation that focuses on the night of the Stonewall Rebellion. Check out their convo below and listen to the full Making Gay History episode here.

Marsha:  

The way I winded up being at Stonewall that night, I was having a party uptown. And we were all out there and Miss Sylvia Rivera and them were over in the park having a cocktail.

I was uptown and I didn’t get downtown until about two o’clock, because when I got downtown the place was already on fire.  And it was a raid already. The riots had already started.  And they said the police went in there and set the place on fire.  They said the police set it on fire because they originally wanted the Stonewall to close, so they had several raids.  And there was this, uh, Tiffany and, oh, this other drag queen that used to work there in the coat check room and then they had all these bartenders.  And the night before the Stonewall riots started, before they closed the bar, we were all there and we all had to line up against the wall and they was all searching us.

Eric:  

The police were?

Marsha:

Yeah, they searched every single body that came there.  Because, uh, the place was supposed to be closed, and they opened anyway. ‘Cause every time the police came, what they would do, they would take the money from the coat check room and take the money from the bar.  So if they heard the police were coming, they would take all the money and hide it up under the bar in these boxes, out of the register.  And, you know, and sometimes they would hide like under the floor or something?  So when the police got in all they got was the bartender’s tips.

Eric:  

Who went to the Stonewall?

Marsha:  

Well, uh, at first it was just a gay men’s bar.  And they didn’t allow no, uh, women in.  And then they started allowing women in.  And then they let the drag queens in.  I was one of the first drag queens to go to that place.  ‘Cause when we first heard about this…and then they had these drag queens workin’ there.  They didn’t never arrested anybody at the Stonewall.  All they did was line us up and tell us to get out.

Randy:  

Were you one of those that got in the chorus lines and kicked their heels up at the police, like, like Ziegfeld Follies girls or Rockettes?

Marsha:  

Oh, no.  No, we were too busy throwing over cars and screaming in the middle of the street, ‘cause we were so upset ‘cause they closed that place.

Eric:

What were you screaming in the street?

Marsha:  

Huh?

Eric:  

What did you say to the police?

Marsha:  

We just were saying, no more police brutality and, oh, we had enough of police harassment in the Village and other places.  Oh, there was a lot of little chants we used to do in those days.

Eric:  

Now were there lots of people hurt at the Stonewall that night during the riots?

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Marsha:  

They weren’t hurt at the Stonewall.  They were hurt on the streets outside of the Stonewall ‘cause people were throwing bottles and the police were out there with those clubs and things and their helmets on, the riot helmets.

Eric:  

Were you afraid of being arrested?

Marsha:  

Oh, no, because I’d been going to jail for like ten years before the Stonewall I was going to jail ‘cause I was, I was originally up on 42nd Street.  And every time we’d go, you know, like going out to hustle all the time they would just get us and tell us we were under arrest. They’d say, “All yous drag queens under arrest, so we, you know, it was just for wearing a little bit of makeup down 42nd Street.

Eric:  

Who were the kinds of people you met up at 42nd Street when you were hustling up there.

Marsha:  

Oh, this was all these queens from Harlem, from the Bronx.  A lot of them are dead now. I mean, I hardly ever see anybody from those days. But these were like queens from the Bronx and Brooklyn, from New Jersey, where I’m from.  I’m from Elizabeth, New Jersey.

Eric:  

Now you mentioned an organization that…you were involved with.  What was the name?

Marsha:  

Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries with Miss Sylvia Rivera.

Randy:  

STAR.

Eric:  

What was that group about?  What was it for?

Marsha:  

Ah, it was a group for transvestites… men and women transvestites.

Randy:

It was a bunch of flakey, fucked up transvestites living in a hovel and a slum somewhere calling themselves revolutionaries.  That’s what it was in my opinion.  Now Marsha has a different idea.

Eric:  

What’s your opinion?

Marsha:  

Street Transvestites Action Revolutionaries started out as a very good group.  It was after Stonewall, they started, they started at GAA.  Mama Jean DeVente, who used to be the marshal for all the parades.  She was the one that talked Sylvia Rivera into leaving GAA, ‘cause Sylvia Rivera who was the president of STAR was a member of GAA, and start a group of her own. And so she started Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries.  And she asked me would I come be the vice president of that organization.  The building was owned by Michael Umbers, who was in jail.  And didn’t Michael Umbers, when he went to jail, the city took over the building and they had everybody thrown out. But originally the rent was paid to Michael Umbers who went to jail, and Bubbles Rose Lee, Bubbles Rose Lee, who was secretary to STAR, she had all kinds of things around the building and stuff, you know.  So the city just came and closed the building down.

Curious about Stonewall? Check out these episodes of Making Gay History to learn more.                        

There is no denying the progress being made toward HIV treatment and prevention. In 2019, the CDC published that an estimated 34,800 new HIV infections occurred in the United States, representing an eight percent decline in new infections from just four years prior.

This decrease was largely due to a significant decline among gay and bisexual men, where new infections dropped 33% in those aged 13 to 24. According to goals projected by the federal Ending the HIV Epidemic in the U.S. (EHE), these numbers will continue to drop, with hopes to reduce new HIV infections by at least 75 percent come 2025 and by 90 percent come 2030.

HIV educator, researcher, and advocate Kalob Gossett, believes much of this progress can be attributed to the sustained  increase in PrEP use. “According to the CDC, preliminary data shows that in 2020 about 25% of the 1.2 million people in the U.S. for whom PrEP is recommended were prescribed it, compared to only about three percent in 2015,” he tells Grindr.

PrEP and Antiretroviral Medications

In Gossett’s opinion, the biggest stride we’ve made in the prevention and treatment of  HIV is the confirmation that if a HIV-positive person is undetectable that they cannot transmit the virus to someone else. (Undetectable = Untransmittable.)

“This has allowed HIV-positive people to take back control of their lives and their sex, combats the stigma of having sex with someone who is positive, and gives them a bigger role in HIV prevention,” he says.

This milestone has been made possible by the creation of antiretroviral medications, which became the new standard of HIV care in the mid ‘90s. There are now over 30 antiretroviral medications, which have been categorized into six classes. Each class attacks HIV in a different way with the same objective: to increase T-cells (CD4 cells) and reduce the amount of HIV to undetectable levels (below 200 copies/ml of blood measured).

“HIV is treated with two or three different medications, although those medications can now sometimes be combined into one pill,” Gossett says. “This is because attacking HIV from multiple directions reduces the viral load more quickly, which has been shown to control HIV the best.”

Another leap in HIV treatment came in 2010 when a study confirmed that taking a daily dose of antiretrovirals not only helped those who were HIV-positive, but also could protect people from becoming infected. In 2012, the FDA approved the drug Truvada once a day for pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) which, when taken as directed, can lower your risk of contracting HIV to nearly zero.

Nine years later, the injectable drug Apretude (cabotegravir extended-release injectable suspension) was approved by the FDA. The medication is initially given as two injections administered one month apart, and every two months thereafter.

Gossett is hopeful that, in addition to daily pills and injections every two months, we may soon see additional preventative options like weekly pills, anal and vaginal rings, enemas, and more.

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HIV and Race

Despite incredible developments in HIV prevention and treatment, not everyone is equally benefitting from them. According to data published by the CDC in 2019, Black/African American people accounted for 42 percent of new HIV diagnoses and Hispanic Latino people accounted for 29%.

“The reality of a positive HIV test result is terrifying, especially to people of color,” Jacen Zhu, HIV-positive activist and adult actor, tells Grindr. “The stigma faced by Black Gay/Queer person within our community alone leads to lack of access to healthcare, disclosure-phobia and reactionary plans to combat the rising HIV transmissions within our community. It's rough, especially coming from a matriarchal family that suffers the ailments of poverty and being Black. ”

“Thus far, the data shows we are doing a decent job of ensuring white gay men get access to HIV services but clearly what we’re doing isn’t enough for communities of color,” Gossett confirms, adding that communities of color need to be at the forefront of conversations and decisions on new approaches.

For example, you may not know that Black women account for nearly 60% of new HIV infections in US women, yet cisgender women are continually left out of HIV conversations, research studies, marketing of services, and funding opportunities. This means Black women not only experience the barriers of the Black community, but of women as well. “While gay and bisexual men and transgender women need these services, we need to consider everyone in our strategies if we truly want to end the HIV epidemic,” Gossett says.

Despite institutional factors against him, Zhu began proactively attending support groups and welcomed supportive people in his life to empower him and be confident in his HIV status. A wise decision, given research published in 2015 found that support groups are one of many factors that enhance the confidence of people living with HIV. Others being: family support, improved understanding, financial independence, etc.

“When I was diagnosed with HIV things were different, but today, we have advancements in science that support the messaging of Undetectable equals Untransmittble, “ Zhu says. “Personally, I think that's a big win and change for my life and others living with HIV.”

HIV and Porn

In a sex-positive industry such as pornography, one might assume that there is ample support for those living with HIV. But unfortunately, when it comes to bigger studios, that’s not the case.

Understanding that studios will put certain rules and regulations on performers based on their status, award-winning adult actor Brock Banks thinks a lot of them are harsh and outdated, and believes the people fronting these studios could benefit from some education on HIV and prevention.

“Most studios will not pair an undetectable model with a model who is negative, even though undetectable means untransmittable,” he explains. “I will say that the majority of the studios that implement this sort of pairing are straight-owned studios and I think that’s a huge part of the issue.”

However, with the emergence of fan sites like OnlyFans and Just For Fans, it’s become far easier to find informed and enthusiastic performers to film with.

“I don’t have issues finding people who are willing to shoot with me regardless of my status, but I’ve been turned down by a few guys,” Banks says. “And although it’s not a good feeling, I know that it’s not my place to decide what someone else should be ok with when searching for a sexual partner.”

Despite the initial shame he experienced upon his diagnosis 10 years ago, which caused him to avoid sex entirely for over a year, Banks has accomplished things he never thought possible. He’s successful, he’s had incredible sexual experiences, he’s been in healthy and beautiful relationships, and he’s gleaned invaluable insights along the way.

“Being HIV positive changed me forever; it’s made me so strong and fearless and I wouldn’t change it for the world,” he says. “No matter what your status is, what other people think about you is none of your business, so keep your head up and always take care of yourself first.”

Looking to the Future

There are constantly new studies occurring in the realm of HIV, including new medications to determine if they are effective in treating and/or preventing HIV as well as new ways of providing treatment or prevention. While he can’t be sure we’ll ever see a cure, Gossett is confident we will witness HIV evolve from an epidemic to an endemic in our lifetime.

We’ve made substantial progress. In August 2021, Moderna started human trials for a mRNA vaccine that will end in spring 2023. This marks the first HIV vaccine and trial of its kind since all that came before it used an inactivated form of HIV. “Researchers are cautiously optimistic about the outcome of this study, but only time (and data) will tell,” Gossett says.

In the meantime, the best thing we can do as a community is spread the word. “We can empower people to prevent and treat HIV properly by sharing the information needed to take care of themselves,” Gossett says. “Ideally, we could implement an adequate and inclusive sexual health curriculum into our schools, but we all know that is a long shot given the chokehold conservative values have on the United States.”

We should also make an effort to normalize talking about HIV to further destigmatize the subject. You can do this by discussing the last time you got tested, asking your friends if they know about PrEP, and inquiring about the status of sexual partners.

“These conversations can be awkward, but that’s why stigma continues to be so prevalent with HIV and STIs,” Gossett says. “The only way to make the topic less taboo is to have these conversations more often, providing more opportunities for others to learn.”

If you grab the bull by the horns, don’t be surprised when he bucks.

Love: Mercury may be in retrograde, but love can still be in the air. But be careful, bull. One rough buck can throw things off course. You don’t have to win every fight.

Lust: There’s no business like ho business! And you own 100% of that ass. Now go trade it publicly.

Friendship: You don't need to fly any jets to win over your friends. You can keep it simple, just "Hold [Their] Hand," Gaga.

Work: You’re busy this month and it’s about being a gay-on-the-go. Save time by wearing your jockstrap to work.

Love: No shade but, with the price of groceries right now, are you really in the position to be saying no to free dinners? Text him back!!!

Lust: Tops may come and go (literally, that’s what they do), but sex toys are forever-ish. Expand your pleasure chest and enjoy some self-love.

Friendships: You may be distancing yourself from a few toxic friendships, but at least your multiple personalities can keep you company!

Work: They may pay you to do one thing, but it’s also your job to keep up with “Drag Race” for Twitter. You HAVE to watch “All Stars 7” during that team meeting. You can’t let one job interfere with the other.

Love: Just because the Tony nominations dropped, doesn’t mean your love life needs to be in “A Strange Loop.” If he’s not changing now, he won’t ever. Be careful with the “Company” you keep.

Lust: Like they say, the better the weather, the hornier the crab. They say that right? If they don’t, they do now. Time to come out of your shell and on to his face.

Friendships: No one has sacrificed more than you for your friends and they should know it! Treat the next reunion like you’re “Real Housewives” and unload all your issues. Your birthday is coming up!

Work: If you’re gonna be coerced into capitalism, you at the very least must get paid your worth! Your P-Town house isn’t gonna pay for itself.

Love: Stop covering up your insecurities with displays of pride. Be vulnerable, lion, he might make your kitty purr.

Lust: Until these gas prices go down, you’re only hosting. Use this as an excuse to feed your need of being catered to constantly.

Friendships: Not to be cheesy, but stop giving people the corner slice of the lasagna that is your life when they’re only giving you the regular pieces of theirs!

Work: A rising tide raises all salaries, and it’s HIGH TIDE. Tsunami high. Tell your boss to get a lifeboat.

Love: Are you the “Wicked” movie? Then why are you senselessly dividing yourself into multiple parts for men that don’t even know one part of themselves. Stop “Defying Gravity” for men who have done “No Good Deed.”

Lust: The only thing that should be up your ass all the time is the string of your thong. Stop letting these shareholders act like sole proprietors.

Friendships: Our friendships with others teach us a lot of things, including how we don’t want to be. Let your messy friends be a warning and not a guide.

Work: Dare you to procrastinate just one time. Just to feel something. Unless that something is anxiety about how you’re procrastinating for the first time.

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Love: Stop talking to men who can’t communicate. If you have to text, email, DM AND send him a smoke signal to get anything in return, do literally ANYTHING else.

Lust: Spark chaos this month! Moan louder for the guy with the smaller dick at your next threesome. Humble these men while humoring yourself.

Friendship: You love being eco-friendly, but you can't keep recycling the same excuses for canceling on gay’s night. They all know you’re available!

Work: New challenge: next time you want to reply to a work email while you’re on a date, you have to cover the entire bill.

Love: If you think a relationship is all it’s gonna take to make you happy, remember that Taylor Swift released two of her saddest albums after being in a relationship for 5 years.

Lust: You gotta stop promising these men things you know damn well you’re not going to deliver. They’re gonna start calling your hole Elizabeth Holmes.

Friendships: Your reckless posts on main are bringing down the stock of the group as whole. If you’re needing validation, send your content to the group chat, not the grid.

Work: Imagine the ass you’d have if you spent all the time you overthink the smallest things at work by doing squats instead!

Love: Memorial Day is upon us. You can use it to honor and remember your deceased love life.

Lust: Time to be more annoying than you usually are. Sext with words you’d use to describe wine. Reply “wow, full bodied and well balanced” to his next dick pic. Then let him stomp your grapes.

Friendships: You can’t lie and say you’re ok, not ask for help and then be mad no one helped you, queen! You have the support system just ask for it!

Work: Next time someone tells you to turn on your camera for a Zoom meeting, tell them appearance fees need to be negotiated with your manager. Unless that person is, in fact, your manager.

Love: I know you’ve watched 17 minutes of “Heartstopper,” but please, whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT YOUR EX.

Lust: Stop traveling for men who can’t really accommodate you. Start demanding basic amenities. If he doesn’t have his own poppers and lube, is he really hosting? Or are you just coming over?

Friendships: The margaritas aren’t the only thing that should be spicy at happy hour. Drop some juicy goss that takes the margs from “on the rocks” to “in your face.”

Work: Dolly Parton is starring in a TikTok musical about Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza. You can make one excel spreadsheet.

Love: How come every kiss begins with K, but every top begins with “Sup? Looking?”

Lust: Topping at one sex party and then bottoming at another hours later. You are your own multiverse of madness.

Friendships: Don’t be jealous of the lives former friends are living on Instagram right now. Everyone just got their tax returns!

Work: Pride month is coming. Start compiling your list of minor work inconveniences that you’ll label homophobic in June now!

Love: There’s more LGBTQ representation in the Marvel Universe than there is in your bedroom as of late. Panicking about things you can’t control is not gonna eat your ass at night! Go on a date!

Lust: There are plenty of places for you to play a supporting role. The sex party is not one of them. If you’re gonna be part of the production, be the star, not an extra!

Friendships: Your normal social circles are getting a bit stale. Start a rumor about yourself.

Work: I hope you’re reading this horoscope on company time. If not, leave and come back when you’re on the clock.

Love: You come from a long line of powerful vers/bttms. Don’t put up with drama from a man who doesn’t value you. Your forebottoms didn’t make sacrifices so you could triple text with a man who hasn't read a book since high school.

Lust: Idle hands do the devil’s work, so be sure to keep them busy all month servicing others.

Friendships: Friendship with you is a privilege and people are treating it as their right! Let them know they’re wrong.

Work: That pain you feel is from carrying the whole team on your back. Take a rest this month, close the inbox and open up a bottle of wine. You deserve it.

^{Art by Jaime Hayde}

There have been many times in my life where I’ve considered myself a side. Not to be confused with side piece, or upgrading your fries to onion rings for an extra 99 cents. A side, in the sexual sense, is an individual who doesn’t enjoy giving or receiving anal penetration. Instead, sides prefer less invasive sexual acts: frottage (dry humping), making out, oral sex, intimate touch and massage, mutual masturbation, and other things of that nature.

There was a time not too long ago that I went nearly an entire year without penetration due to a painful surgery I required after a particularly rough sexual experience of mine involving a Prince Albert and an anal fissure (you can imagine the rest).

Understandably, it took several months to even consider bottoming again. But I’m human, after all, and had my horny moments, so I quickly developed an affection for non-penetrative sex. Sloppy makeouts, mutual masturbation, oral sex and some other kinky activities were all I was featuring at the re-launch of my newly refurbished hole and, truth be told, these were some of the best sexual experiences of my life.

Though I’ve since returned to penetrative sex, for some folks, penetration is never comfortable as either top or bottom, and it’s far more common than you might think. In 2011, researchers surveyed 25,000 gay and bisexual men and found that only 35 percent had participated in penetrative sex during their most recent hookup, whereas three-quarters had given or received oral sex. What’s more, three in four men surveyed said they preferred kissing, oral sex, handjobs and mutual masturbation.

Since penetration is often regarded as the holy grail of sex acts, I’d argue there are more sides out there than are willing to admit. In part, because we only recently started acknowledging their existence. So let’s talk about that.

On the side

The idea that someone may not enjoy anal intercourse doesn’t seem particularly difficult to understand, yet sides were only first acknowledged in April 2013, in an article titled “Guys on the ‘Side’: Looking Beyond Gay Tops and Bottoms” in the Huffington Post. The author, sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Joe Kort, wrote the article after seeking a term to describe his own sexual proclivities.

“I felt very alone when I dated in my twenties,” Dr. Kort tells Grindr. “A lot of good guys passed on me because I didn't want to fuck. And since I didn’t have a word for it at the time, I’d just tell them I didn’t have anal sex. When they’d tell me that it was a dealbreaker, I’d say it was a dealbreaker if we had to do it.”

To help others with this preference, Kort sought to create an easily identifiable term to help establish community and a sense of belonging among like-minded folks who felt rejected among the gays.

“I was sitting around with friends, trying to admit to them what I was—but I didn’t have the word for it,” he remembers. “But I was tired of shaming myself over not having intercourse, and my friends were like, OK, well, what do you call it? So I thought out loud and said I'm not a top and I'm not a bottom, and then I just thought about a box and blurted: maybe I'm a side.”

The term stuck. After ruminating on it some more, Kort felt comfortable expressing this part of himself to others outside his circle. “I remember admitting it for the first time at a sex therapy workshop for gay men,” he remembers. “It was so freeing. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.”

Not long after, Kort published the aforementioned article, daring gay men to ask themselves: “What if a guy isn't a top, a bottom or even versatile? What about gay men who have never engaged in anal sex and never will, ever?”

Since then, the term has been picked up and published everywhere from Pink News to GQ. TikTok and Reddit have also become particularly influential mediums for spreading the word.

Taking his advocacy further, Kort created a closed Facebook group called Side Guys where like minded folks can introduce themselves, share experiences, advice, and establish a sense of understanding and community. Conversations within the group span from spicing up alternatives to anal penetration to how to best express you’re a side on apps like Grindr (who recently added side as a position). As a member myself, I can verify that it is a positive and uplifting space that almost feels like a support group.

“People in my group feel liberated,” Kort shares. “I don’t have many side clients because the group is their therapy. Among their peers, they don't feel shame or the need to unpack the reasons why they don’t enjoy penetration. They feel relieved almost immediately.”

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Side stories

Since my own experiences will not speak to everyone, I had conversations with a number of sides (some of whom asked to remain anonymous) to get their perspective.

Nate

Before identifying as a side, Nate, 32, was a fairly versatile lover, but never found topping and bottoming as satisfying as he assumed others did. “I have a high pain tolerance, but bottoming was always uncomfortable for me,” he begins. “Whether the tops were either too big, too forceful, or too eager, there have only been one or two times when bottoming has felt good––and trust me when I say I’ve tried a lot.”

When topping, Nate felt that handjobs and blowjobs were more satisfying “I don't really feel anything when topping, and the times that I've ejaculated as a top were purely thanks to my imagination,” he says.

Nate shares that he and his partner of five years have only had anal penetration six or seven times. As their relationship developed, they were relieved to discover that neither were all that fond of anal penetration, preferring instead to eat each other’s asses, suck each other’s cocks and masturbate to porn together.

Prior to his partner, Nate confesses he would either ghost sexual partners before penetration was on the table or would feign a stomach issue. He, like many sides I spoke to, often feel pressure to have anal sex as if it’s some kind of expectation, even after expressing they don’t want to.

Kerem

“I feel the need to be assertive in my refusal to participate in penetrative sex, even though I struggle with confrontation,” Kerem, 24, shares. “There have been many times my partners have interpreted me not wanting to have penetrative sex as being a prude or ‘playing hard to get’ which has led to some very disturbing and non-consensual experiences.”

This is particularly important to Kerem because he has been sexually assaulted in the past, something he believes contributes to his identity as a side as he has since found bottoming difficult and painful.

“My own experience aside, the idea that penetration is the only validating factor during sex is pretty wrong to me,” he says. “I will always prefer oral and a long foreplay over anal anytime, so it is infuriating that sex is reduced to a short penetrative activity where it can be a longer period full of intimacy and exploration.”

Simon

Simon, 30, says gay men will treat him one of two ways: like a prude or an alien. “They just can't imagine sex outside of penetration,” he explains. “When I do find someone else who prefers oral, or identifies as a side, it's like that scene in the Parent Trap when the twin Lindsay Lohans remove their fencing masks and immediately connect.”

Simon, like many sides, is more versatile in his preference. He will have penetrative sex on occasion, but only with somebody he trusts and is comfortable with. Sides, like most sexual preferences, exist on a spectrum. Some are willing to have (and will enjoy) penetrative sex occasionally, whereas others will not engage in penetration at all.

Atlas

For Atlas, 18, being a side compliments his identity as someone who is gender non-conforming. “I go by he/him pronouns, but I can fit into nonbinary or gender non-conforming because I relate to both identities,” he explains. “Being a side compliments my identity because it’s comfortable and doesn’t feel out of place whether I’m eating ass, pussy, receiving head, or sucking dick. There isn’t a clear dominant and submissive person, at least in my preferred experiences. You can be whatever you want to be.”

Subverting expectations

Apart from what’s been expressed above, there are many other factors one may identify as a side, from erectile difficulties, body image issues, performance anxiety, medications, the chore of preparing (for bottoms), health issues, chronic pain, a well-endowed partner, fear of STIs and HIV, past traumatic experiences, the list goes on.

These are all perfectly understandable reasons to validate their preference, yet they still feel the need to because sides feel othered. The bottom line being that everyone should have the autonomy to experience pleasure however they choose.

“We need to remember that things like foreplay and masturbation are still sex,” Dr. Kort says. “I’ve heard many queer and straight men say they aren’t having sex if penetration isn’t involved, and that’s incorrect.”

It’s for this reason that many sides speak around their preference instead of addressing them outright. “I just tell a prospective partner that I'm not looking to fuck,” Simon says. “But it still feels like an alienating conversation and one that often feels moot to have if we end up not clicking.”

A commonality among the sides in my conversations was the sense of shame associated with their preference. Because they represent a minority in an already marginalized community, sides can experience extreme loneliness, and fear that they will only further isolate themselves by expressing their disinterest in penetration. Kort goes as far as to say that coming out erotically as a side is like coming out a second time.

Shame is not something we’re born with, of course, it’s learned. We’ve long been fed the narrative that penetration is the ultimate sexual act. This is an outdated script that stems from cisgender, heterosexual (and homophobic) intercourse that prioritizes procreation. It’s the same reason we’ve become so goal-oriented regarding sex, meaning a sexual experience is not enjoyable or successful unless one or both partners climax.

By simply existing and staying visible, sides question why we place these expectations on ourselves. Who are these almighty rule-makers dictating what sex should be or look like. Better yet, why are we listening?

Anal sex (or “sodomy” as it was written by law and inextricably used to incriminate gay people) didn’t even become completely legal in the US until 2003. And today, only 18 states in America require HIV education to be medically accurate. That’s insane! Clearly, whatever parameters our society is placing around sex is not only purposelessly limiting, but painfully out of date.

Sides challenge what we’ve long considered the norm, creating a larger sexual space to play in. One with fewer boundaries and expectations where we can experience pleasure without pressure.

Now that there is finally a term for it, the challenge now is to normalize it, and Kort suggests we start with the apps, where most sexual communication takes place. “I think all these apps should include side as an option,” he says. “To really help people understand that not being a top and not being a bottom doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, and to help sides find each other.”

To normalize further, sides need to be visible and vocal. Representation matters; something our community understands all too well. So while side recognition may still be in its infancy, nobody knows how to advocate and uplift better than the LGBTQ+ community, where nobody should feel othered for their identities and what they like (and don’t like) doing sexually.

It’s Aries szn. The season of the ram needs a gentler touch.

Love: Dating is hard now. It’s not like “Bridgerton,” we don’t just marry someone hot after 4 conversations and a cursory glance at their bank statements. Don’t let the fact that you’re not in “The Gilded Age” turn you into The Jaded Bottom.

Lust: Easter is coming, a holiday that brings millions of people to their knees. You’ll be on yours too, but it won’t be to pray.

Friendships: What did we save the daylight and lose an hour of sleep for if not pitchers of margaritas on a patio! Grab your gays and get those rims salted.

Work: Summer is coming soon. Be gay. Do Crimes. Douche on company time. Coordinate your next vacation during a Zoom meeting. Insider trading. Who cares?

Love: There are nearly 4 billion men on this planet. Statistically, one of them has to want to text you back, right? RIGHT?!

Lust: You say violence is not the answer, but your kinky ass definitely wants to be slapped (and maybe choked a bit) while people watch in amazement. Consent is the key here.

Friendship: Group trips don’t always have to be out of town. Your local gay bar bathroom stall is right there. The best of tea is spilled in the powder room!

Work: Top that twink in human resources. Hole is a resource too, ya know!

Love: Next time a man wants to know what your love language is, tell him you’re multilingual. You’re fluent in receiving gifts, quality time, AND words of affirmation!

Lust: Deep inside all of us there are multiple dreams, wishes, and aspirations. Deep inside you,  there will be multiple members of the local Equinox.

Friendships: Listen up, Korra. You may be powerful, but you can’t bend your friends to your will forever. Start playing nice or you’ll be at an Avatar party of one.

Work: You’re feeling tempted to take on some new gigs and…you should. Your Ubers of shame aren’t gonna pay for themselves.

Love: If you make it to the end of this sentence without thinking about him, you win. But you didn’t, so better get as comfortable with taking L’s as you are with taking inches.

Lust: They say romance is dead, but it’s not! You just have to pay attention to the smaller, kinder gestures. Keep track of the ones who kiss your ass goodnight after they're done using it.

Friendships: Bottling is for tequila and lube, not for your emotions. Crying in private is not a permanent solution—tell them how they’re hurting you.

Work: Cause a little drama this month just to spice things up. CC your boss in an email about one of your coworkers getting married with the subject line: “UNIONIZING.”

Love: You’ve had more love interests at once than the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives.” Focus on one, Edie, lest the rest of the cast will have you killed off mid-season for stealing their men and making their lives so difficult.

Lust: It’s time to turn up the heat in the bedroom. Try some new things. Do something so hot and dirty, you wouldn’t even write about it in your diary.

Friendships: You love to be the ingenue of every situation, but keep being a diva and you’ll be the only one taking bows when the curtain closes. Sure, it’s fun being bent over, but certainly not alone!

Work: If the IRS tries to come for your money this year, tell them you’re not paying taxes because that’s *not* Met Gala Behavior.

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Love: You’re calling him “daddy” when he doesn’t even call you back.

Lust: The weather is nice and you should treat yourself to a nice cruise. No, I’m not talking Royal Caribbean—your local park will do. You won’t be out to sea, but you can still get wet!  

Friendships: You don’t listen to your girls complain about the same guys for hours not to be able to cash in some favors when you need them. That’s right, it’s someone else’s turn to host the pregame!

Work: No one likes completing a task quite like you, but it can’t be all work and no play. For every item you’re checking off your boss’s list, add a little something you wanna try for daddy.

Love: At this point you’d rather trade nudes with Ron Desantis than sit through another boring dinner date. I get it. Spice up your first date suggestions. Activities are fun. We mean bowling or laser tag, not bathhouses!

Lust: You’re branching out into topping this month. You can do it. Kiss your cock ring three times and say the magic words: There’s no place like hole.

Friendship: Your friends made you sit through a three-hour GRAMMYs for Lil Nas X to not even win a single award. You have sole aux cord in the Uber privileges for every weekend til Memorial Day. TAKE NO REQUESTS.

Work: Sure you can put quitting your job on your summer bucket list, but how will you pay for any of the other things on it, sweetie?

Love: You are responsible for your own salvation, babe. What makes you think this man will save you from a burning building when he won’t even save your number in his phone?

Lust: Your hole is like a garden, it needs lots of well-planted seeds to thrive. Luckily, this season you’re meeting a lot of men with green thumbs. Don’t be afraid of the finger too though!!

Friendships: You do not have to tell every acquaintance you see at the bar “let’s get coffee soon.” You don’t even like coffee and you *really* don’t like them. Why lie twice? God is counting!

Work: Capitalism is a scam. Drink all the company La Croix you want. Hell, take some Cliff bars home for your friends and roommates!

Love: I know being single may be making you lonely but, no matter what, please remember: You is kind. You is smart. You is not lonely enough to be posting statuses on Facebook.

Lust: Stop lying in bed and telling men they own your hole. They may be shareholders, but you know damn well they are not sole proprietors!

Friendships: Mercury may not be in retrograde, but sometimes it feels like your mental health is. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help. You don’t listen to their lies for nothing.

Work: Your Pride travel calendar can’t give “Carmen Sandiego” when your bank account is overdrawn and underpaid. Ask for that raise now or the only Pride rainbows you’ll be seeing is on someone else’s IG story.

Love:  Ignorance is bliss and knowing things is the direct cause of unhappiness. For true peace, live your life with an empty head and open legs.

Lust: Just because you like rawhide doesn't mean your hole needs to look like leather. Give it a spa day. The return on investment will be well worth it!

Friendships: We get it…if friendships were grade school, you’d be valedictorian! But how about passing some of that knowledge along for once? Tutor others on how to be a better friend to you instead of letting them all flunk out! No one likes a mean nerd!

Work: Office morale is at an all time high. You know what that means? It’s time to start a vicious rumor!!!

Love: Your friends are settling down, but it’s time for you to settle some scores. Call up that ex who hurt you, text that man who ghosted you. Get closure or get even! The choice is yours.

Lust: They say you’re only as good as your last performance. If that’s the case, you’d win an Oscar for pretending he’s laying it down better than he actually is. Stop faking it! He’ll never get better if you reinforce poor performance!

Friendships: We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic collapse, natural disasters, and…you want to stay in on a Friday night? When you might run into your crush? Listen to the group chat…GO. The world is burning!

Work: You are running things and thriving in all aspects of the workplace. It’s enough to make you wanna change your tax status to Head Of Household. Careful—with great power bottoms come great responsibilities…

Love: There’s a thin line between love and hate but a continent between you and all your Instagram crushes. Expiring photos can’t satisfy you forever. Start shopping local!

Lust: This month, your hole will be struck down by more middle-aged men than proposed legislation that helps the working class.

Friendships: There’s nothing that can't be solved over mani-pedis and a movie night with your girl. Don’t you think that one argument over Jorgeous’ elimination has gone a little too far?

Work: There’s a way out of any after-work social situation you don’t want to be in! Just get creative. Make up a dog you don’t own. Tell them your grandma has syphilis. The more unbelievable it is, the less likely they are to investigate.

Theories attempting to explain our community’s penchant for daddies abound, the most prevalent suspects that gay men chase older men due to our collective “daddy issues.” After polling my audience on the subject a few months back, over 80 percent argue that since gay men don’t often have the best relationships with their fathers, they seek this crucial bond when dating.

“I wanted gay role models when I was younger, and the closest man to that was my father,” adult actor Jack Dixon tells Grindr. “I think the need for someone to be accepted by a man (even a straight man) runs strong in our culture so we carry that into our adult lives.”

Race Bannon, educator, activist and author of Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking, agrees that the daddy archetype might have definitional origins with fathers, but has evolved to become its own categorical term for a “certain relational figure in a younger person's life that may take on some interpersonal father-like characteristics within a partnered or social relationship.”

In other words: our fondness is less about our fathers in a relational sense, and more about what they foundationally represent and offer our lives.

A daddy himself (though the word makes him cringe), Dixon speculates the appeal of daddies may also be that they represent what most gay men grew up thinking a man should be. Someone dominant, muscled, hairy, with a deep voice and other attributes traditionally associated with masculinity. Since many of us might not have been that man ourselves, we seek these qualities in other men.

This masculine ideal is heavily amplified by porn, which is a particularly influential medium for gay men since our desires are largely ignored most everywhere else. As a result, we turn to porn as education, not only for sex but what we find desirable.

The adult industry, like any business, is curated for profit, and “Daddy” is the third most-searched category on Pornhub, according to stats released in 2018. Scenes in the category often depict an older man in the dom top role with a much younger submissive co-star. Rarely do we witness a daddy-on-daddy scene or a daddy bottoming in studio porn, and why? Because it obscures the fantasy that has been spoon-fed to us since we first Googled “Gay porn” and "How to delete your search history."

As a result, many adult actors over 40, Dixon included, feel typecast. “I enjoy daddy/boy scenes, but I think many of the big-name studios and their directors/producers are so stuck in that,” adult actor Dallas Steele shared with me in a previous interview. “They can’t visualize using men over 40 in any other role than as a daddy.”

Daddy era

Daddies have never been more popular and their definition more inclusive. These days, a daddy can be of any age, gender and sexual orientation. According to the New York Times, they’d officially hit their peak in 2018.

The daddy designation has evolved to an umbrella term with different subcategories below it: leather daddies, sugar/Splenda daddies, femme daddies and zaddies, are just a few examples. However, in general, these all boil down to the same definition: a more dominant and experienced individual who can offer support and/or mentorship to a younger individual in some way.

Bannon speculates our current daddy obsession is due to society’s greater acceptance of a wider range of types as equally deserving of erotic notice. “We saw this with the growing popularity of the bear movement and more recently with men who present as feminine,” he says. “They are rightfully seeing their presentation acknowledged as sexually appealing when it might have been shunned in the past.”

Damon, 47, has been enjoying the fruits of his daddy status after cruising through his thirties feeling invisible. As soon as he turned 40, woofs and taps came rolling in like never before. After fucking countless 20-somethings, some of whom ceremoniously labelled him “daddy dick” on their phone, Damon theorized over why he, a middle-aged man, was suddenly so desirable.

“We (Gen-X gays) are the first generation of gay men who’ve had the privilege of living openly and aging openly in society,” he suspects. “I was a bit too young to be sexually active during the AIDS crisis, so I came of age after the worst carnage in our community. I had the benefit of growing up when society was starting to open up and discuss gay rights and issues.”

Damon’s point does have merit since, before the AIDS crisis (which began in 1981), it was illegal to be gay, until the Model Penal Code removed "consensual sodomy" from its criminal code, making it a crime to solicit for sodomy in 1962 in Illinois, almost a decade before any other state. It wasn't until 2002 that most other states had repealed their sodomy laws or their courts had overturned them.

This would make Gen X the first generation to have the social privileges of aging as openly gay men due to the countless sacrifices and activism of the generations before us. “We lost a generation of daddies to AIDS, so I think there was a gap where we didn't have nearly the mass of daddies we have today, which could be another reason they’re suddenly so popular,” Steele adds.

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Leather daddy

Sexual use of daddy dates at least as far back as 1691, which the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang cited as the earliest use by prostitutes referring to pimps and older customers. It’s also been traced back to Freud's “The Oedipus Complex” in 1899 to describe sexual desires for an opposite-sex parent.

Daddies as we know them, however, are undeniably linked to the leather scene. Leather as a gay subculture is largely born from post-World War II biker culture in the 1940s and 50s. Biker culture was in full bloom at the time, as it represented a rejection of the white picket fence image that America was presenting since many men who served in the war had a difficult time adjusting to civilian life after the war. Similarly, the leather uniform and lifestyle rejected femininity, which was often associated with gay men at the time.

During the war, American soldiers experienced a European mentality and sexuality while forming an extremely close bond with other men. To continue that camaraderie (and perhaps some other relations, wink, wink), clubs were formed, usually around motorcycles since it was a common interest as soldiers rode them in the war.

When recruiting for the war, many gay men were given blue discharges from the United States meaning they could not serve in the army (this action was disproportionately used against gay and black people) and made it difficult to find work. This caused gay men to flee and seek employment in major cities like Los Angeles, Chicago and San Francisco, where a majority of these motorcycle clubs were established.

The first leather bar, the Gold Coast, opened in Chicago in 1958. Its owners, partners Chuck Renslow and Dom Orejudos, would later found the famous International Mr. Leather competition in 1979. Just four years later, the first competition celebrating daddies, Leather Daddy and Daddy’s Boy, was founded in 1983 by Alan Selby, otherwise known as the “Mayor of Folsom Street.”

The 70s and 80s are considered the “golden age” of the leather scene, as the lifestyle was something new, exciting and popular as ever. It was during this heyday that the daddy identity was formed and passed through media, mostly in pulp fiction magazines and personal ads.

During a time they needed it most, leather communities and bars became sanctuaries for gay and curious men to live and love authentically. For many, this community was their only family, where daddies, often the experienced mentor-type, would offer individuals the foundational need for place and belonging, along with a sense of tradition, heritage, and the passing along of something from generation to generation. It’s a relationship that could be whatever you wanted it to be: platonic, sexual, or somewhere in between. But it’s never incestual.

“There has always been a bit of reverence for older guys within gay men's leather culture,” Bannon says of the daddy designation. “It’s often due to the assumed greater level of sexual and community experience that can usher a younger or newer community member into the scene in a mentorship role.”

This could all mean that, yet again, a cultural phenomenon in our community is born from rejection and the loneliness we experience as a result. Or maybe it’s not that deep. Maybe gay men find older men attractive and that’s that. Unfortunately, much of queer history is speculative since we’ve been forced to exist in secret for so long. But on this we can all agree: daddies are and will always be in our hearts and holes.

There’s no time like now to rebrand. You’re not the stereotype of your zodiac sign you were five minutes ago.

Love: Life is too short to not do something reckless. Invite the three people you like to an orgy and eliminate them based on how well they perform under pressure.

Lust: It’s always “top of the mornin to ya.” But where is your top of the afternoon, evening and night?

Friendships: Choose chaos this month. Listen, if your friends don’t want to come to all 6 of your birthday events, fine. That’s just more room for their exes.

Work: Who cares about what the haters, your friends, your coworkers, and every piece of media we’ve ever seen has to say about it.  Sleeping with your boss will work out, you’re built different.

Love: You’ve been a bit aggravated lately, but stop taking it out on the ones you’re trying to date. Otherwise your Google calendar will have more holes in it than a Euphoria storyline.

Lust: Your sex drive is higher than the price of gas right now. Luckily for you, there are plenty of men looking to fill up your tank.

Friendships: You’ve left issues unresolved for longer than a season of Drag Race. Speak up now or your friends will sashay away for good.

Work: Your inbox is full, but your social calendar is not. You need to find that work life balance—get a hobby that will tip the scales in your favor.

Love: You date men like new Batman movies—each one trying to be grittier than the last. Maybe try something new because if one more person ghosts you after three dates, you’re gonna become the Joker.

Lust: You can fix your car. You can fix your attitude. If you’re Pete Buttigieg, you can try to fix bread prices, but you CANNOT fix HIM.

Friendship: You’ve been looking to build up your squad, but remember that expanding your hole is not exactly the same as expanding your social circle. Well, not always!

Work: Jobs are like tops: you don’t really NEED one, but they’re nice to have when you don’t wanna go hungry.

Love: The idea of a man is almost always more exciting than the reality. If you’re feeling lonely, try dating one of your other personalities.

Lust: There’s no honor amongst thieves and these men are robbing you of your joy! Stop getting so involved and start getting even!

Friendships: “You’ve got a friend in me,” he says. What you don’t know is that your closest friend was inside him last night.

Work: You can’t be forced to go back into the office if there’s no office to go back into. Think about it…

Love: Falling in love for you is a full-time job: you do it five times a week, barely get any benefits, and it never pays as well as it should. Take some time OFF.  

Lust: The State of your Union is that you’re wide open. You know everything about importing and exporting. You’re a trade professional.

Friendships: Nothing ever comes between you and your friends. Well, except him. And him. OH, and him. Noticing a pattern?

Work: If Joe Biden wants you to stop working from home, he’s gonna have to stop doing it first!!!

Love: The sun is staying out later and you think now is the time to stay in more? Sun’s out, buns out, babes. Nothing gets a man’s attention more than a big butt and a smile.

Lust: You’ve rescheduled on men so much this month. You are not the Chromatica Ball. Set a date and stick with it.

Friendships: Toni Collette has a new show on Netflix that you could be throwing viewing parties for, but you’re checking to see if a boy who doesn’t even have your number is watching your Instagram stories. PRIORITIES, PLEASE.

Work: Unlike men, your work projects don’t get easier if you put them to the last minute. Get it out of the way or you’ll be spending your happy hours with Miss Microsoft Office.

Love: Never has someone with such sharp wit had such a dull love life. Turn the knife away from the men pursuing you and towards the real enemy: those keeping us from a full Normani album.

Lust: Not everything needs to be the length of a Batman film, sometimes it’s okay to get in, get off, and get out!

Friendships: Men may c*m pretty quickly, but few other things in life do. This includes friendships. Put in the work or put it out of its misery. It’s holding you both back.

Work: Sometimes you gotta miss a function to make it to the next. Don’t feel bad for prioritizing money. You can’t survive on favors and drink tickets from drag queens

forever! You’re not a Scorpio.

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Love: Listen, if there’s one thing gays are gonna do is have a mailing list for new nudes. You ain’t the only one who received it, but remember that’s not your business!

Lust: Anyone who says “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” has probably never had one covering their mouth and another slapping their ass. Risk it all!!!

Friendship: If your friendship isn’t like Willow Pill and Kornbread’s in the workroom, is it even a friendship?

Work: Every single time you check an email after you’re supposed to be done working, a top flakes on a bottom who already douched. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you?

Love:  Men are liars. Take everything he says to you with a grain of salt and a huff of poppers. You can’t be disappointed if you never have expectations!

Lust: Honestly, you’ve been flaked on so much recently you need to start a policy of not douching ‘til he’s AT your house. He can listen to a podcast in the living room while you get ready.

Friendships: There’s no stronger bond than the one between you and the other gay who knows you’re fucking someone you’re definitely NOT supposed to be. Don’t get caught, Cassie!

Work: Three iced coffees and 4 hours scrolling through Twitter later, you’re ready to send your first work email for the day. Congratulations!

Love: Just because you like to be put on a leash, called a b*tch, caged, and occasionally enjoy the pound, does not mean he can treat you like a dog! Unless you’re into that?

Lust: They say “she’s a wh*re, she’s f*cked half of New York!” about you like it’s a bad thing. They don’t know you turned down the other half!

Friendships: The group chat is not the space to air out your grievances! You’ve never needed an audience to voice a complaint, Don’t Start Now, Dula Peep! There’ll be no future in the friend group for you to be nostalgic about.

Work: At this point, we’re all just doing our best. And even though your best might not be good enough, your ass is. The best way to keep your work load down is to take a few others from a superior.

Love:  A good man is like the perfect martini: strong, straight up, and dirty. If he doesn’t have those qualities, it’s time you start finding a new cock…tail.

Lust: COVID restrictions are lifting and so are your inhibitions. Three’s company, four’s a crowd, 5-8 is a K-Pop group, but also the best time of your life.

Friendships: There are people who will say there are bigger things to worry about than what you’re wearing to your Oscars’ viewing party. Those people are liars who don’t understand the importance of watching rich people who don’t know your name be honored for things you never even saw.

Work: I know you’re working from home, but you can still call in and say you can’t make it because gas prices are too high. It might work!

Love: Men are good for two things. None of those things have been discovered yet, but don’t stop trying to figure it out. Let us know when you do. Scientific research is about sharing your findings with the community.

Lust: This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy takes PrEP. This little piggy loves c*m.

Friendships: Salt is for shots of tequila and popcorn, not for your friends who are trying to give you solid advice.

Work: Work is all about tracking metrics and doing well. You’re about seven passive aggressive email replies from beating your high score! Congrats!!

We are fortunate to live in a time where HIV treatment and prevention look entirely different from the early days of the epidemic. HIV medications can decrease viral loads, making them virtually undetectable (and untransmittable), and preventative medications, PrEP being one of the most common, reduce the risk of getting HIV through sex by 99 percent.

But, in spite of the medical advancements that have turned this disease that was once considered a “death sentence” into something manageable with proper care, popular culture hasn’t evolved to keep up. Recent shows and films, like Bohemian Rhapsody and It’s A Sin, continue to tell stories about HIV from the lens of the 80’s and 90’s, largely ignoring the recent strides in treatment and prevention, and often exacerbating old prejudices and misconceptions.

“We've been programmed by society to feel fear and shame when it comes to HIV,” says Jared Frieder,  writer-director of 3 Months. “And I want to keep having dialogues about that stigma so we can overcome it.”

In a landscape of HIV ghost stories, Frieder has done something quietly revolutionary: he has made a modern HIV film. One that is filled with laughter and hope and love. It begins with Caleb (a never better Troye Sivan) as he graduates high school and learns that he’s potentially been exposed to HIV and must wait 3 months for the test results.

We spoke to Mr. Frieder about 3 Months (now streaming on Paramount+), coming-of-age stories, comedy, and Troye Sivan (obviously).

I've heard that 3 months is inspired by your life, is that true?

Yes! First of all, I'm a nice gay Jewish boy from Florida, and so is Caleb (played by Troye Sivan). Also, as gay men, we all know what it's like to wait for test results. I wanted to capture the uncertainty of that time period and show that—with access to medical care—HIV is no longer a death sentence in our modern world.

What made you want to explore a modern hiv story?

I wanted to tell an uplifting, hopeful, fun story about a kid realizing that HIV is no longer a death sentence and the very things that make him different—the very things he feels shame about—are the very things that make him indispensable, worthy of love, and worthy of celebration.

Can you talk a bit about the choice to tell this story through a comedic lens?

Queer people are funnier than straight people—this is not up for discussion, it is a fact. We use humor to cope with the traumas life throws at us. For me, it was important to be authentic to the queer experience and have Caleb deal with his tribulations with humor. It just felt honest.

This is a movie about waiting that was literally stopped mid-production because of covid-19. What was that wait like?

It was emotional waterboarding. This is a film about someone who has to wait in uncertainty because of a virus, and we literally had to wait in uncertainty because of a virus. But Caleb fights for what he wants while he waits, and I took a page from his book. I fought every single day for this movie until we finished and thank god we did.

‍How did Troye get involved? What was it like working with him on the character of caleb?

Troye was always Caleb. I wrote him as the kid I wished I could've been in high school (cool, magnetic, confident) and that is Troye. He is such a brilliant actor—he carries this movie on his back and has to access the full emotional spectrum to bring Caleb to life. He's a movie star and I can't wait for people to see him in this role.

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This is a queer coming-of-age story with an impactful twist. Watching felt like you have a real love for that genre. Do you have any favorites that have inspired you over the years?

Oh absolutely. Juno is probably my favorite coming-of-age story. I love the way they took serious themes and topics and made them accessible and hopeful. Other coming of age favorites of mine are Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Dirty Dancing, and The Breakfast Club.

Hiv stigma is still rampant in the queer community, is there anything in particular you hoped for viewers to take away from 3 months?

I want people to realize that—again—HIV is no longer a death sentence. We've been programmed by society to feel fear and shame when it comes to HIV, and I want to keep having dialogues about that stigma so we can overcome it.

This is your directorial debut. Congrats! What’s next for you?

It's all under wraps but maybe a little superhero thing, maybe a little story about porn. Stay tuned!

In this as-told-to feature, New York City-based multidisciplinary artist Blew Velvet describes his relationship with the art of cruising.

When I was a kid in Florida there was this notorious spot near where I grew up that was like “don’t go there at night because a bunch of gay dudes have sex in the bathroom and on the beach.” It was this urban legend of Central Gulf Coast Florida. Honestly, as a young gay boy this was something I secretly fantasized about all the time. That’s how I knew about the concept of cruising even though I had never done it.

When I was about 19 or 20, I had just moved to New Orleans and I lived near this place called The End of the World. It is this little look out, sort of a little jetty, that goes into the Mississippi River. Obviously cruising was happening in public and I just had to find it, so I remember when I was living there, being able to come home from the bar or at any time during the evenings, and look on the apps to see if people were walking around. We would just go to the End of the World and hook up there. There were also a couple of glory hole situations in this abandoned apartment building nearby. So that was my first official cruising situation.

I had cruised in public places like bars and stuff, sort of the act of cruising itself, before that. Cruising happens in a couple capacities: there’s anonymous cruising spots, like going to a video store where you’re expecting a dick to poke through a slot; then there’s cruising at a bar where you’re doing the inherent homosexual signalling to indicate that you want to have sex; and then, because it’s the 21st century, we have apps now and cruising can happen in more of a planned way, whether it’s just that the location is disclosed or something else.

I think it’s a huge, important part of nonverbal sexual communication that takes a lot of practice and a lot of patience and probably a lot of community for.

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I think that personally, all forms of cruising are very useful if you’re trying to be a radical, independent slut in the gay community.

I love cruising people at bars, I love getting cruised at bars, I love picking up on vibes someone is trying to put down. I think it’s so sexy and the “no thank you’s” are as easy and as good as the “yes’s” for me. It’s just cool that you can communicate with people that way. In this post lockdown world it feels like there’s an anonymous cruising renaissance happening right now and I’ve definitely been tapped into that.

As cruising is its own language, I feel that there are dialects that are spoken regionally. New York has its own language, San Francisco has its own language, the town I grew up in probably has its own language — the rumor was that in order to get laid at that beach where I grew up, you wore a white ribbed tank in the middle of the night and that was you signalling that you were there to fuck.

The first time I went to San Francisco I had sex basically immediately. I was waiting for someone to pick me up from a friend’s house on the side of the street and a truck pulled up a little bit away from me at a parking spot. I was wearing these athletic pants that were super bulge-y. I looked at this guy in the truck and he looked at me and looked at my bulge. I touched my bulge and he opened his door and he pulled his dick out. I don’t think that’s a language that happens in New York — maybe that’s because there’s not that many places where you are likely to be in a car like that.

The most memorable thing that ever happened to me as far as cruising is concerned is when I first went to The Rambles. I had heard about it and read all this old gay literature about it, but had never really been. So I went for the first time and sat on a bench with my bike. I had looked it up on Google Maps so I knew I was there but didn’t know where everyone was. It was all just couples walking around holding hands and people laughing. Then this one cute boy walks up sweating with his shirt on his shoulder and he looks at me, and I look at him, and he looks back at me. I do the whole chin up and nudge my face at him and he comes over.

He opens up with like “Are you having any fun?” and I was like “well not yet, are you?” And he says “Yeah, all the time. I live right around here, I’m here like every day.” So I’m like “Where do you have fun?” So he tells me to lock my bike and then walks me around for like two hours all through Central Park, explaining where everything happens and when. Then he takes me to this place that felt like this smut Disney movie: he walks me through these small, baby trees and behind this one large tree is all these guys in a circle, jerking off in broad daylight surrounded by a thicket of leaves in the middle of Central Park. It was so cool. Then he took me to his favorite private spot that nobody was at and we fucked.

I’ve read a lot about cruising. There’s this book called Secret Historian: The Life and Times of Samuel Steward, Professor, Tattoo Artist, and Sexual Renegade and it’s by Justin Spring. If you don’t know, Samuel Steward is the guy that Dr. Kinsey studied in order to define homosexuality on the Kinsey scale — he’s like as far polar gay as you can get. He wrote about every single person he ever had gay sex with, hence the name secret historian. He talks about living in Chicago and working near a naval base and how the sailors would come into his tattoo shop and he would suck their dicks, drink, give them tattoos, and then they would go about their lives in the navy.

The whole Take Me album I’m writing right now is sort of an emotional roller coaster of being young and day in this moment. Originally the concept was describing how we dealt with pandemia but part of that was me dealing with a big ole break up from a very important relationship. I think being able to have some very free, chaotic sex was really helpful for me. With the “It’s Not Enough” track, we actually shot the music video in Prospect Park which is an area where I cruise. So it was really about realizing that you have the tools around you to get your needs met autonomously and cruising is one of those tools.

I think if you’re interested in trying to cruise, here’s my tip: if you want to go about it completely alone just brace yourself for a series of triumphs and failures until you start to understand the game better. That’s just how a lot of people do it. But if you find yourself asking how to do it, you might want to go with a friend first. If you can find somebody who knows the ropes, have them show you the ropes because someone is going to have to show you at one point whether they’re a stranger or not.

You can follow Blew Velvet on Instagram, stream their music online, or visit their website. You can also subscribe to their OnlyFans for $9.99 per month.

Grindr revolutionized hookup culture back in 2009 as the first social networking app to use geolocation to find potential mates. Whether home or abroad, finding love, sex, and community has never been more convenient for queer folks, and our newest feature is about to make things even simpler. Introducing My Tags.

With My Tags, users can choose keywords that most accurately represent their identity and preferences to explicitly find what you’re looking for, whether it’s a long-term monogamous relationship with a daddy or a discreet military twink with a foot fetish. No matter how broad or niche, My Tags will make whatever you’re searching for more attainable. Think of it like SEO for your Grindr profile.

If you’re eager to see which keywords made the list or you’re looking for a refresher on our community’s ever-evolving terminology, see the tags below and choose the many or few that best suit you.

Anon: Short for “anonymous.” Don’t expect much intimacy from this dude. You’re no more than a pole or a hole in this scenario.

Bator: Short for “masturbator.” A moniker often used to describe someone who gets off on solo or partnered masturabtion, edging, gooning, and other forms of manual intercourse.

Bb: Derived from the equestrian term, meaning to ride a horse without a saddle. Except you’re riding dick without a condom.

Beard: This guy has a face full of hair, save for some weak spots that he’s probably insecure about. Men with weak chins may use it as camouflage.

Bear: A big, hairy man who probably growls during sex. He might even eat all the food at your campsite.

Bi: Short for “bisexual,” this person’s sexual and/or romantic interests are not limited to one gender.

Bubblebutt: Has an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. The bottom’s version of “hung,” meaning its interpretation varies by individual.

Carplay: Fooling around in a vehicle. A popular option for gays who can’t host and homosexual Uber drivers.

Chastity: This person is not looking for sex. It could be a kink (meaning they’re aroused by denying themselves orgasm and sexual pleasure) or a vow of celibacy. If the former, they might wear a chastity device (see: cock cage) to enhance the experience.

Chub: A person with some delicious meat on their bones.

Cleancut: Is a well-groomed individual and believes haircuts give them superpowers.

College: Is currently attending college, meaning they have a roommate and a fairly regular drinking schedule.

Condomsonly: Condoms are their chosen form of protection.

Cruising: Wants to meet in a public place (likely a forest, park, or restroom) for sexy times. Intrigued? Read more on cruising here.

Cub: A smaller, typically younger version of a bear.

Cuddling: Is looking to snuggle, watch a movie and maybe get into some heavy petting. This person is craving intimacy but is too lazy to douche.

Cut: A particularly gauche way of saying circumcised.

Daddy: Typically an older, mature man, though its definition has evolved to become more of a mindset for those with masculine or dominant energy.

Dating: Wants dinner before getting dicked down.

Dirty: Refers to the mind, not their hygiene or the current state of their apartment (though it might).

Discreet: Wants to keep their private life private. Expect them to delete and create a new profile every few weeks. Don’t worry, they’ll come back. They always do.

DL: An acronym for “down-low,” meaning they might be closeted or are seeking non-negotiated intercourse outside of their relationship. In either case, they’ll have a blank profile.‍

Dom: Short for “dominant” (and the “D” in BDSM), a dom is the aggressor who typically takes charge during a kinky sexual session. The dom serves to satisfy a sub who, in a healthy BDSM relationship, has already expressed their boundaries prior to play.

Drag: A drag queen who is online to talk about dick, not drag.

Drug-free: Doesn’t use drugs.

DTF: An acronym for “down to fuck.” Not a fan of “endless chat” and will be quick to suggest WhatsApp for quicker communication.

Edging: Takes the long road to orgasm by repeatedly nearing and denying climax, building toward a deeper, stronger orgasm. A worthwhile technique for those looking to build endurance in the bedroom.

Feet: This person is aroused by feet and gives a fantastic foot massage. It isn’t weird. Don’t make it weird.

Femme: This person’s appearance and/or mannerisms could be perceived as what’s considered traditionally feminine.

Flexible: Can wear their ankles as earrings. Could also be referring to their sexuality.

Friends: Seeking relations of the platonic variety.

FTM: An acronym for “female to male,” meaning this person’s sex was assigned female at birth but identifies as male.

Furries: Refers to a sexual interest in anthromorphic characters or animals with human-like features. The fetish may also include an attraction to stuffed animals and isn’t necessarily sexual.

FWB: An acronym for “friends with benefits,” the benefit of which is sex. A friend to breed is a friend indeed!

Gaymer: A gay video game lover. Ask for their gamertag and play with each other’s joysticks.

Gear: Is aroused by fetish gear like harnesses and dressing up.

Geek: This person identifies as a nerd and can speak at length to the X-Men as a queer metaphor.

GH: An acronym for “glory hole,” which are fist-sized holes typically found in bathhouses, adult theatres, restrooms, even people’s homes for anonymous oral and anal sex. Read more about glory holes here.

Group: Fond of orgies and group sex. The more the merrier!

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Hairy: This man is hairy all over and will satisfy your Burt Reynolds on a bear skin rug fantasy.

Hands: This guy appreciates the under-valued art of handjobs, fingering and other manual methods of stimulation.

Hosting: Prefers hooking up at their place. Judging their apartment is completely warranted.

Hung: Has a pendulous schlong swinging between their legs, or at least thinks they do.‍

Jock: Despite its athletic origins, someone who identifies as a jock may or may not play sports (because gay). It generally means they’re in good physical shape.

Kink: Often confused with a fetish, a kink is something that turns someone on, but is not considered the norm. Conversely, a fetish is a sexual act or object that is almost always necessary for a person to become aroused and enjoy sex. The more you know!

Kissing: Big on smooching.

Latex: Has a sexual preference or desire for latex items, usually apparel and accessories. Often drawn to its tight and glossy qualities.

Leather: Similar to latex, this person is aroused by and attracted to leather. Can be found at the Eagle.

Limits: This person wants you to know that they have boundaries that should be respected.

Lingerie: Somebody who embraces their feminine side by wearing sexy negligee, or is attracted to somebody who does. Played in mom’s closet as a kid.

Looking: Is currently looking for sex; hates “time-wasters.”

LTR: An acronym for “long-term relationship,” this person prioritizes dates over dicks.

Masc: This person’s appearance and/or mannerisms could be perceived as what’s considered traditionally masculine.

Military: Served or currently serves in the military.

Monogamy: Is seeking a monogamous relationship, meaning a relationship with one person, opposed to multiple.

MTF: An acronym for “male to female,” meaning this person’s sex was assigned male at birth but identifies as female.

Muscle: A hulking Adonis with a social following in the tens to hundreds of thousands. See for yourself, they’ve definitely linked to their Instagram.

Nipples: This person gets aroused when their nipples are teased or played with.

NSA: An acronym for “no strings attached,” meaning sex without emotional fidelity. Serves Craigslist Casual Encounters realness.

Nylons: Enjoys wearing or playing with someone dressed in nylon or pantyhose.

Oral: Into mouth stuff.

Otter: A slim, hairy person.‍

Pic4Pic: Will only send pictures if you first agree to send them back. Might block or ghost you after getting their rocks off. Don’t take it personally, it’s their MO.

Piercings: Has more than two holes.

Pits: Enjoys licking and sniffing pits and is offended by deodorant. The mustier the pit, the more they commit.

Poly: Short for “polyamorous,” a type of ethically non-monogamous relationship that refers to folks who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.

Poz: Is HIV positive. Remember: Undetectable means untransmittable!

Public: Is turned on by public sex and the possibility of getting caught. Knows a great spot nearby.

Pupplay: A subset of the “pet play” fetish, where individuals behave and inhabit the headspace of a dog. The pup fetish is not necessarily sexual, and often involves playing fetch and pup gear, such as hoods and tails. While the fetish centers around canines, no actual animals are involved.

Pup: The titular pup in pup play. Loyal to their pack and obedient to their handler (unless they’re a stray), who traditionally plays the dominant role in a pup play scenario.

Quickie: A CliffNotes version of sex. This person is probably on their lunch break.

Roleplay: Enjoys playing a character to help bring a sexual fantasy or dynamic to life. Think: teacher/student, cop/robber, camp counsellor/masked serial killer with mommy issues.

Rough: Not interested in love-making, this piggy wants to fuck. Don’t be gentle with this one.‍

Rubber: Has a sexual preference or desire for rubber apparel and accessories.

Rugged: An outdoorsy type. Wears flannel, Wrangler jeans and work boots. Lists hiking somewhere in their profile.

Safersex: Prioritizes safer sex practices.

Showoff: An exhibitionist who enjoys masturbating and showing off for others. They get off on praise and adoration.

Sissy: A pejorative term for someone considered feminine. Someone who self-identifies as a sissy is likely aroused by its implicit degradation.

Smooth: This person is either naturally hairless, or takes a razor to their fur to assure their body is smoother than a twink’s chin.

Sober: Doesn’t drink alcohol.

Spanking: Is aroused by spanking/flogging. Has been very bad and needs to be punished.‍

Spit: Is turned on by spit. Wants to be basted in someone’s saliva.

Sub: Short for “submissive” (and the “S” in BDSM), a sub assumes the more compliant role in a kinky scenario, getting off on obedience, discipline, spanking, etc. If Batman is a dom, Robin is a sub.

Tentacles: A sexual interest in tentacles and the creatures that possess them. The sexualized genre of Japanese manga and anime known as hentai was made to appeal to people with this fetish.

Thick: A husky individual with a body thicker than oatmeal.

Toys: Likes playing with toys, which is far less innocent than it sounds.

Trans: Short for “transgender,” meaning their gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth.

Twink: Zac Efron in High School Musical.

Twunk:  Zac Efron in Baywatch.

Vaccinated: This person has been vaccinated and is ready for another injection. #vax4vax.

Vanilla: Their sexual interests don’t typically include anything out of the ordinary.

Video chat: Enjoys erotic interaction over video. A wonderful long-distance option, or if you don’t want to clean your apartment.

Visiting: An out-of-towner and fresh face on the Grindr grid seeking foreign validation, dick, restaurant recommendations, etc.

Watching: A voyeur who gets off on spectating; possibly into cuckolding. ‍

WS: Short for “watersports,” meaning this person likes pee and maybe jet skiing. Their showers are golden and their toilets are human.