It’s Aries szn. The season of the ram needs a gentler touch.

Love: Dating is hard now. It’s not like “Bridgerton,” we don’t just marry someone hot after 4 conversations and a cursory glance at their bank statements. Don’t let the fact that you’re not in “The Gilded Age” turn you into The Jaded Bottom.

Lust: Easter is coming, a holiday that brings millions of people to their knees. You’ll be on yours too, but it won’t be to pray.

Friendships: What did we save the daylight and lose an hour of sleep for if not pitchers of margaritas on a patio! Grab your gays and get those rims salted.

Work: Summer is coming soon. Be gay. Do Crimes. Douche on company time. Coordinate your next vacation during a Zoom meeting. Insider trading. Who cares?

Love: There are nearly 4 billion men on this planet. Statistically, one of them has to want to text you back, right? RIGHT?!

Lust: You say violence is not the answer, but your kinky ass definitely wants to be slapped (and maybe choked a bit) while people watch in amazement. Consent is the key here.

Friendship: Group trips don’t always have to be out of town. Your local gay bar bathroom stall is right there. The best of tea is spilled in the powder room!

Work: Top that twink in human resources. Hole is a resource too, ya know!

Love: Next time a man wants to know what your love language is, tell him you’re multilingual. You’re fluent in receiving gifts, quality time, AND words of affirmation!

Lust: Deep inside all of us there are multiple dreams, wishes, and aspirations. Deep inside you,  there will be multiple members of the local Equinox.

Friendships: Listen up, Korra. You may be powerful, but you can’t bend your friends to your will forever. Start playing nice or you’ll be at an Avatar party of one.

Work: You’re feeling tempted to take on some new gigs and…you should. Your Ubers of shame aren’t gonna pay for themselves.

Love: If you make it to the end of this sentence without thinking about him, you win. But you didn’t, so better get as comfortable with taking L’s as you are with taking inches.

Lust: They say romance is dead, but it’s not! You just have to pay attention to the smaller, kinder gestures. Keep track of the ones who kiss your ass goodnight after they're done using it.

Friendships: Bottling is for tequila and lube, not for your emotions. Crying in private is not a permanent solution—tell them how they’re hurting you.

Work: Cause a little drama this month just to spice things up. CC your boss in an email about one of your coworkers getting married with the subject line: “UNIONIZING.”

Love: You’ve had more love interests at once than the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives.” Focus on one, Edie, lest the rest of the cast will have you killed off mid-season for stealing their men and making their lives so difficult.

Lust: It’s time to turn up the heat in the bedroom. Try some new things. Do something so hot and dirty, you wouldn’t even write about it in your diary.

Friendships: You love to be the ingenue of every situation, but keep being a diva and you’ll be the only one taking bows when the curtain closes. Sure, it’s fun being bent over, but certainly not alone!

Work: If the IRS tries to come for your money this year, tell them you’re not paying taxes because that’s *not* Met Gala Behavior.

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Love: You’re calling him “daddy” when he doesn’t even call you back.

Lust: The weather is nice and you should treat yourself to a nice cruise. No, I’m not talking Royal Caribbean—your local park will do. You won’t be out to sea, but you can still get wet!  

Friendships: You don’t listen to your girls complain about the same guys for hours not to be able to cash in some favors when you need them. That’s right, it’s someone else’s turn to host the pregame!

Work: No one likes completing a task quite like you, but it can’t be all work and no play. For every item you’re checking off your boss’s list, add a little something you wanna try for daddy.

Love: At this point you’d rather trade nudes with Ron Desantis than sit through another boring dinner date. I get it. Spice up your first date suggestions. Activities are fun. We mean bowling or laser tag, not bathhouses!

Lust: You’re branching out into topping this month. You can do it. Kiss your cock ring three times and say the magic words: There’s no place like hole.

Friendship: Your friends made you sit through a three-hour GRAMMYs for Lil Nas X to not even win a single award. You have sole aux cord in the Uber privileges for every weekend til Memorial Day. TAKE NO REQUESTS.

Work: Sure you can put quitting your job on your summer bucket list, but how will you pay for any of the other things on it, sweetie?

Love: You are responsible for your own salvation, babe. What makes you think this man will save you from a burning building when he won’t even save your number in his phone?

Lust: Your hole is like a garden, it needs lots of well-planted seeds to thrive. Luckily, this season you’re meeting a lot of men with green thumbs. Don’t be afraid of the finger too though!!

Friendships: You do not have to tell every acquaintance you see at the bar “let’s get coffee soon.” You don’t even like coffee and you *really* don’t like them. Why lie twice? God is counting!

Work: Capitalism is a scam. Drink all the company La Croix you want. Hell, take some Cliff bars home for your friends and roommates!

Love: I know being single may be making you lonely but, no matter what, please remember: You is kind. You is smart. You is not lonely enough to be posting statuses on Facebook.

Lust: Stop lying in bed and telling men they own your hole. They may be shareholders, but you know damn well they are not sole proprietors!

Friendships: Mercury may not be in retrograde, but sometimes it feels like your mental health is. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help. You don’t listen to their lies for nothing.

Work: Your Pride travel calendar can’t give “Carmen Sandiego” when your bank account is overdrawn and underpaid. Ask for that raise now or the only Pride rainbows you’ll be seeing is on someone else’s IG story.

Love:  Ignorance is bliss and knowing things is the direct cause of unhappiness. For true peace, live your life with an empty head and open legs.

Lust: Just because you like rawhide doesn't mean your hole needs to look like leather. Give it a spa day. The return on investment will be well worth it!

Friendships: We get it…if friendships were grade school, you’d be valedictorian! But how about passing some of that knowledge along for once? Tutor others on how to be a better friend to you instead of letting them all flunk out! No one likes a mean nerd!

Work: Office morale is at an all time high. You know what that means? It’s time to start a vicious rumor!!!

Love: Your friends are settling down, but it’s time for you to settle some scores. Call up that ex who hurt you, text that man who ghosted you. Get closure or get even! The choice is yours.

Lust: They say you’re only as good as your last performance. If that’s the case, you’d win an Oscar for pretending he’s laying it down better than he actually is. Stop faking it! He’ll never get better if you reinforce poor performance!

Friendships: We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic collapse, natural disasters, and…you want to stay in on a Friday night? When you might run into your crush? Listen to the group chat…GO. The world is burning!

Work: You are running things and thriving in all aspects of the workplace. It’s enough to make you wanna change your tax status to Head Of Household. Careful—with great power bottoms come great responsibilities…

Love: There’s a thin line between love and hate but a continent between you and all your Instagram crushes. Expiring photos can’t satisfy you forever. Start shopping local!

Lust: This month, your hole will be struck down by more middle-aged men than proposed legislation that helps the working class.

Friendships: There’s nothing that can't be solved over mani-pedis and a movie night with your girl. Don’t you think that one argument over Jorgeous’ elimination has gone a little too far?

Work: There’s a way out of any after-work social situation you don’t want to be in! Just get creative. Make up a dog you don’t own. Tell them your grandma has syphilis. The more unbelievable it is, the less likely they are to investigate.

Theories attempting to explain our community’s penchant for daddies abound, the most prevalent suspects that gay men chase older men due to our collective “daddy issues.” After polling my audience on the subject a few months back, over 80 percent argue that since gay men don’t often have the best relationships with their fathers, they seek this crucial bond when dating.

“I wanted gay role models when I was younger, and the closest man to that was my father,” adult actor Jack Dixon tells Grindr. “I think the need for someone to be accepted by a man (even a straight man) runs strong in our culture so we carry that into our adult lives.”

Race Bannon, educator, activist and author of Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking, agrees that the daddy archetype might have definitional origins with fathers, but has evolved to become its own categorical term for a “certain relational figure in a younger person's life that may take on some interpersonal father-like characteristics within a partnered or social relationship.”

In other words: our fondness is less about our fathers in a relational sense, and more about what they foundationally represent and offer our lives.

A daddy himself (though the word makes him cringe), Dixon speculates the appeal of daddies may also be that they represent what most gay men grew up thinking a man should be. Someone dominant, muscled, hairy, with a deep voice and other attributes traditionally associated with masculinity. Since many of us might not have been that man ourselves, we seek these qualities in other men.

This masculine ideal is heavily amplified by porn, which is a particularly influential medium for gay men since our desires are largely ignored most everywhere else. As a result, we turn to porn as education, not only for sex but what we find desirable.

The adult industry, like any business, is curated for profit, and “Daddy” is the third most-searched category on Pornhub, according to stats released in 2018. Scenes in the category often depict an older man in the dom top role with a much younger submissive co-star. Rarely do we witness a daddy-on-daddy scene or a daddy bottoming in studio porn, and why? Because it obscures the fantasy that has been spoon-fed to us since we first Googled “Gay porn” and "How to delete your search history."

As a result, many adult actors over 40, Dixon included, feel typecast. “I enjoy daddy/boy scenes, but I think many of the big-name studios and their directors/producers are so stuck in that,” adult actor Dallas Steele shared with me in a previous interview. “They can’t visualize using men over 40 in any other role than as a daddy.”

Daddy era

Daddies have never been more popular and their definition more inclusive. These days, a daddy can be of any age, gender and sexual orientation. According to the New York Times, they’d officially hit their peak in 2018.

The daddy designation has evolved to an umbrella term with different subcategories below it: leather daddies, sugar/Splenda daddies, femme daddies and zaddies, are just a few examples. However, in general, these all boil down to the same definition: a more dominant and experienced individual who can offer support and/or mentorship to a younger individual in some way.

Bannon speculates our current daddy obsession is due to society’s greater acceptance of a wider range of types as equally deserving of erotic notice. “We saw this with the growing popularity of the bear movement and more recently with men who present as feminine,” he says. “They are rightfully seeing their presentation acknowledged as sexually appealing when it might have been shunned in the past.”

Damon, 47, has been enjoying the fruits of his daddy status after cruising through his thirties feeling invisible. As soon as he turned 40, woofs and taps came rolling in like never before. After fucking countless 20-somethings, some of whom ceremoniously labelled him “daddy dick” on their phone, Damon theorized over why he, a middle-aged man, was suddenly so desirable.

“We (Gen-X gays) are the first generation of gay men who’ve had the privilege of living openly and aging openly in society,” he suspects. “I was a bit too young to be sexually active during the AIDS crisis, so I came of age after the worst carnage in our community. I had the benefit of growing up when society was starting to open up and discuss gay rights and issues.”

Damon’s point does have merit since, before the AIDS crisis (which began in 1981), it was illegal to be gay, until the Model Penal Code removed "consensual sodomy" from its criminal code, making it a crime to solicit for sodomy in 1962 in Illinois, almost a decade before any other state. It wasn't until 2002 that most other states had repealed their sodomy laws or their courts had overturned them.

This would make Gen X the first generation to have the social privileges of aging as openly gay men due to the countless sacrifices and activism of the generations before us. “We lost a generation of daddies to AIDS, so I think there was a gap where we didn't have nearly the mass of daddies we have today, which could be another reason they’re suddenly so popular,” Steele adds.

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Leather daddy

Sexual use of daddy dates at least as far back as 1691, which the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang cited as the earliest use by prostitutes referring to pimps and older customers. It’s also been traced back to Freud's “The Oedipus Complex” in 1899 to describe sexual desires for an opposite-sex parent.

Daddies as we know them, however, are undeniably linked to the leather scene. Leather as a gay subculture is largely born from post-World War II biker culture in the 1940s and 50s. Biker culture was in full bloom at the time, as it represented a rejection of the white picket fence image that America was presenting since many men who served in the war had a difficult time adjusting to civilian life after the war. Similarly, the leather uniform and lifestyle rejected femininity, which was often associated with gay men at the time.

During the war, American soldiers experienced a European mentality and sexuality while forming an extremely close bond with other men. To continue that camaraderie (and perhaps some other relations, wink, wink), clubs were formed, usually around motorcycles since it was a common interest as soldiers rode them in the war.

When recruiting for the war, many gay men were given blue discharges from the United States meaning they could not serve in the army (this action was disproportionately used against gay and black people) and made it difficult to find work. This caused gay men to flee and seek employment in major cities like Los Angeles, Chicago and San Francisco, where a majority of these motorcycle clubs were established.

The first leather bar, the Gold Coast, opened in Chicago in 1958. Its owners, partners Chuck Renslow and Dom Orejudos, would later found the famous International Mr. Leather competition in 1979. Just four years later, the first competition celebrating daddies, Leather Daddy and Daddy’s Boy, was founded in 1983 by Alan Selby, otherwise known as the “Mayor of Folsom Street.”

The 70s and 80s are considered the “golden age” of the leather scene, as the lifestyle was something new, exciting and popular as ever. It was during this heyday that the daddy identity was formed and passed through media, mostly in pulp fiction magazines and personal ads.

During a time they needed it most, leather communities and bars became sanctuaries for gay and curious men to live and love authentically. For many, this community was their only family, where daddies, often the experienced mentor-type, would offer individuals the foundational need for place and belonging, along with a sense of tradition, heritage, and the passing along of something from generation to generation. It’s a relationship that could be whatever you wanted it to be: platonic, sexual, or somewhere in between. But it’s never incestual.

“There has always been a bit of reverence for older guys within gay men's leather culture,” Bannon says of the daddy designation. “It’s often due to the assumed greater level of sexual and community experience that can usher a younger or newer community member into the scene in a mentorship role.”

This could all mean that, yet again, a cultural phenomenon in our community is born from rejection and the loneliness we experience as a result. Or maybe it’s not that deep. Maybe gay men find older men attractive and that’s that. Unfortunately, much of queer history is speculative since we’ve been forced to exist in secret for so long. But on this we can all agree: daddies are and will always be in our hearts and holes.

There’s no time like now to rebrand. You’re not the stereotype of your zodiac sign you were five minutes ago.

Love: Life is too short to not do something reckless. Invite the three people you like to an orgy and eliminate them based on how well they perform under pressure.

Lust: It’s always “top of the mornin to ya.” But where is your top of the afternoon, evening and night?

Friendships: Choose chaos this month. Listen, if your friends don’t want to come to all 6 of your birthday events, fine. That’s just more room for their exes.

Work: Who cares about what the haters, your friends, your coworkers, and every piece of media we’ve ever seen has to say about it.  Sleeping with your boss will work out, you’re built different.

Love: You’ve been a bit aggravated lately, but stop taking it out on the ones you’re trying to date. Otherwise your Google calendar will have more holes in it than a Euphoria storyline.

Lust: Your sex drive is higher than the price of gas right now. Luckily for you, there are plenty of men looking to fill up your tank.

Friendships: You’ve left issues unresolved for longer than a season of Drag Race. Speak up now or your friends will sashay away for good.

Work: Your inbox is full, but your social calendar is not. You need to find that work life balance—get a hobby that will tip the scales in your favor.

Love: You date men like new Batman movies—each one trying to be grittier than the last. Maybe try something new because if one more person ghosts you after three dates, you’re gonna become the Joker.

Lust: You can fix your car. You can fix your attitude. If you’re Pete Buttigieg, you can try to fix bread prices, but you CANNOT fix HIM.

Friendship: You’ve been looking to build up your squad, but remember that expanding your hole is not exactly the same as expanding your social circle. Well, not always!

Work: Jobs are like tops: you don’t really NEED one, but they’re nice to have when you don’t wanna go hungry.

Love: The idea of a man is almost always more exciting than the reality. If you’re feeling lonely, try dating one of your other personalities.

Lust: There’s no honor amongst thieves and these men are robbing you of your joy! Stop getting so involved and start getting even!

Friendships: “You’ve got a friend in me,” he says. What you don’t know is that your closest friend was inside him last night.

Work: You can’t be forced to go back into the office if there’s no office to go back into. Think about it…

Love: Falling in love for you is a full-time job: you do it five times a week, barely get any benefits, and it never pays as well as it should. Take some time OFF.  

Lust: The State of your Union is that you’re wide open. You know everything about importing and exporting. You’re a trade professional.

Friendships: Nothing ever comes between you and your friends. Well, except him. And him. OH, and him. Noticing a pattern?

Work: If Joe Biden wants you to stop working from home, he’s gonna have to stop doing it first!!!

Love: The sun is staying out later and you think now is the time to stay in more? Sun’s out, buns out, babes. Nothing gets a man’s attention more than a big butt and a smile.

Lust: You’ve rescheduled on men so much this month. You are not the Chromatica Ball. Set a date and stick with it.

Friendships: Toni Collette has a new show on Netflix that you could be throwing viewing parties for, but you’re checking to see if a boy who doesn’t even have your number is watching your Instagram stories. PRIORITIES, PLEASE.

Work: Unlike men, your work projects don’t get easier if you put them to the last minute. Get it out of the way or you’ll be spending your happy hours with Miss Microsoft Office.

Love: Never has someone with such sharp wit had such a dull love life. Turn the knife away from the men pursuing you and towards the real enemy: those keeping us from a full Normani album.

Lust: Not everything needs to be the length of a Batman film, sometimes it’s okay to get in, get off, and get out!

Friendships: Men may c*m pretty quickly, but few other things in life do. This includes friendships. Put in the work or put it out of its misery. It’s holding you both back.

Work: Sometimes you gotta miss a function to make it to the next. Don’t feel bad for prioritizing money. You can’t survive on favors and drink tickets from drag queens

forever! You’re not a Scorpio.

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Love: Listen, if there’s one thing gays are gonna do is have a mailing list for new nudes. You ain’t the only one who received it, but remember that’s not your business!

Lust: Anyone who says “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” has probably never had one covering their mouth and another slapping their ass. Risk it all!!!

Friendship: If your friendship isn’t like Willow Pill and Kornbread’s in the workroom, is it even a friendship?

Work: Every single time you check an email after you’re supposed to be done working, a top flakes on a bottom who already douched. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you?

Love:  Men are liars. Take everything he says to you with a grain of salt and a huff of poppers. You can’t be disappointed if you never have expectations!

Lust: Honestly, you’ve been flaked on so much recently you need to start a policy of not douching ‘til he’s AT your house. He can listen to a podcast in the living room while you get ready.

Friendships: There’s no stronger bond than the one between you and the other gay who knows you’re fucking someone you’re definitely NOT supposed to be. Don’t get caught, Cassie!

Work: Three iced coffees and 4 hours scrolling through Twitter later, you’re ready to send your first work email for the day. Congratulations!

Love: Just because you like to be put on a leash, called a b*tch, caged, and occasionally enjoy the pound, does not mean he can treat you like a dog! Unless you’re into that?

Lust: They say “she’s a wh*re, she’s f*cked half of New York!” about you like it’s a bad thing. They don’t know you turned down the other half!

Friendships: The group chat is not the space to air out your grievances! You’ve never needed an audience to voice a complaint, Don’t Start Now, Dula Peep! There’ll be no future in the friend group for you to be nostalgic about.

Work: At this point, we’re all just doing our best. And even though your best might not be good enough, your ass is. The best way to keep your work load down is to take a few others from a superior.

Love:  A good man is like the perfect martini: strong, straight up, and dirty. If he doesn’t have those qualities, it’s time you start finding a new cock…tail.

Lust: COVID restrictions are lifting and so are your inhibitions. Three’s company, four’s a crowd, 5-8 is a K-Pop group, but also the best time of your life.

Friendships: There are people who will say there are bigger things to worry about than what you’re wearing to your Oscars’ viewing party. Those people are liars who don’t understand the importance of watching rich people who don’t know your name be honored for things you never even saw.

Work: I know you’re working from home, but you can still call in and say you can’t make it because gas prices are too high. It might work!

Love: Men are good for two things. None of those things have been discovered yet, but don’t stop trying to figure it out. Let us know when you do. Scientific research is about sharing your findings with the community.

Lust: This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy takes PrEP. This little piggy loves c*m.

Friendships: Salt is for shots of tequila and popcorn, not for your friends who are trying to give you solid advice.

Work: Work is all about tracking metrics and doing well. You’re about seven passive aggressive email replies from beating your high score! Congrats!!

We are fortunate to live in a time where HIV treatment and prevention look entirely different from the early days of the epidemic. HIV medications can decrease viral loads, making them virtually undetectable (and untransmittable), and preventative medications, PrEP being one of the most common, reduce the risk of getting HIV through sex by 99 percent.

But, in spite of the medical advancements that have turned this disease that was once considered a “death sentence” into something manageable with proper care, popular culture hasn’t evolved to keep up. Recent shows and films, like Bohemian Rhapsody and It’s A Sin, continue to tell stories about HIV from the lens of the 80’s and 90’s, largely ignoring the recent strides in treatment and prevention, and often exacerbating old prejudices and misconceptions.

“We've been programmed by society to feel fear and shame when it comes to HIV,” says Jared Frieder,  writer-director of 3 Months. “And I want to keep having dialogues about that stigma so we can overcome it.”

In a landscape of HIV ghost stories, Frieder has done something quietly revolutionary: he has made a modern HIV film. One that is filled with laughter and hope and love. It begins with Caleb (a never better Troye Sivan) as he graduates high school and learns that he’s potentially been exposed to HIV and must wait 3 months for the test results.

We spoke to Mr. Frieder about 3 Months (now streaming on Paramount+), coming-of-age stories, comedy, and Troye Sivan (obviously).

I've heard that 3 months is inspired by your life, is that true?

Yes! First of all, I'm a nice gay Jewish boy from Florida, and so is Caleb (played by Troye Sivan). Also, as gay men, we all know what it's like to wait for test results. I wanted to capture the uncertainty of that time period and show that—with access to medical care—HIV is no longer a death sentence in our modern world.

What made you want to explore a modern hiv story?

I wanted to tell an uplifting, hopeful, fun story about a kid realizing that HIV is no longer a death sentence and the very things that make him different—the very things he feels shame about—are the very things that make him indispensable, worthy of love, and worthy of celebration.

Can you talk a bit about the choice to tell this story through a comedic lens?

Queer people are funnier than straight people—this is not up for discussion, it is a fact. We use humor to cope with the traumas life throws at us. For me, it was important to be authentic to the queer experience and have Caleb deal with his tribulations with humor. It just felt honest.

This is a movie about waiting that was literally stopped mid-production because of covid-19. What was that wait like?

It was emotional waterboarding. This is a film about someone who has to wait in uncertainty because of a virus, and we literally had to wait in uncertainty because of a virus. But Caleb fights for what he wants while he waits, and I took a page from his book. I fought every single day for this movie until we finished and thank god we did.

‍How did Troye get involved? What was it like working with him on the character of caleb?

Troye was always Caleb. I wrote him as the kid I wished I could've been in high school (cool, magnetic, confident) and that is Troye. He is such a brilliant actor—he carries this movie on his back and has to access the full emotional spectrum to bring Caleb to life. He's a movie star and I can't wait for people to see him in this role.

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This is a queer coming-of-age story with an impactful twist. Watching felt like you have a real love for that genre. Do you have any favorites that have inspired you over the years?

Oh absolutely. Juno is probably my favorite coming-of-age story. I love the way they took serious themes and topics and made them accessible and hopeful. Other coming of age favorites of mine are Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Dirty Dancing, and The Breakfast Club.

Hiv stigma is still rampant in the queer community, is there anything in particular you hoped for viewers to take away from 3 months?

I want people to realize that—again—HIV is no longer a death sentence. We've been programmed by society to feel fear and shame when it comes to HIV, and I want to keep having dialogues about that stigma so we can overcome it.

This is your directorial debut. Congrats! What’s next for you?

It's all under wraps but maybe a little superhero thing, maybe a little story about porn. Stay tuned!

In this as-told-to feature, New York City-based multidisciplinary artist Blew Velvet describes his relationship with the art of cruising.

When I was a kid in Florida there was this notorious spot near where I grew up that was like “don’t go there at night because a bunch of gay dudes have sex in the bathroom and on the beach.” It was this urban legend of Central Gulf Coast Florida. Honestly, as a young gay boy this was something I secretly fantasized about all the time. That’s how I knew about the concept of cruising even though I had never done it.

When I was about 19 or 20, I had just moved to New Orleans and I lived near this place called The End of the World. It is this little look out, sort of a little jetty, that goes into the Mississippi River. Obviously cruising was happening in public and I just had to find it, so I remember when I was living there, being able to come home from the bar or at any time during the evenings, and look on the apps to see if people were walking around. We would just go to the End of the World and hook up there. There were also a couple of glory hole situations in this abandoned apartment building nearby. So that was my first official cruising situation.

I had cruised in public places like bars and stuff, sort of the act of cruising itself, before that. Cruising happens in a couple capacities: there’s anonymous cruising spots, like going to a video store where you’re expecting a dick to poke through a slot; then there’s cruising at a bar where you’re doing the inherent homosexual signalling to indicate that you want to have sex; and then, because it’s the 21st century, we have apps now and cruising can happen in more of a planned way, whether it’s just that the location is disclosed or something else.

I think it’s a huge, important part of nonverbal sexual communication that takes a lot of practice and a lot of patience and probably a lot of community for.

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I think that personally, all forms of cruising are very useful if you’re trying to be a radical, independent slut in the gay community.

I love cruising people at bars, I love getting cruised at bars, I love picking up on vibes someone is trying to put down. I think it’s so sexy and the “no thank you’s” are as easy and as good as the “yes’s” for me. It’s just cool that you can communicate with people that way. In this post lockdown world it feels like there’s an anonymous cruising renaissance happening right now and I’ve definitely been tapped into that.

As cruising is its own language, I feel that there are dialects that are spoken regionally. New York has its own language, San Francisco has its own language, the town I grew up in probably has its own language — the rumor was that in order to get laid at that beach where I grew up, you wore a white ribbed tank in the middle of the night and that was you signalling that you were there to fuck.

The first time I went to San Francisco I had sex basically immediately. I was waiting for someone to pick me up from a friend’s house on the side of the street and a truck pulled up a little bit away from me at a parking spot. I was wearing these athletic pants that were super bulge-y. I looked at this guy in the truck and he looked at me and looked at my bulge. I touched my bulge and he opened his door and he pulled his dick out. I don’t think that’s a language that happens in New York — maybe that’s because there’s not that many places where you are likely to be in a car like that.

The most memorable thing that ever happened to me as far as cruising is concerned is when I first went to The Rambles. I had heard about it and read all this old gay literature about it, but had never really been. So I went for the first time and sat on a bench with my bike. I had looked it up on Google Maps so I knew I was there but didn’t know where everyone was. It was all just couples walking around holding hands and people laughing. Then this one cute boy walks up sweating with his shirt on his shoulder and he looks at me, and I look at him, and he looks back at me. I do the whole chin up and nudge my face at him and he comes over.

He opens up with like “Are you having any fun?” and I was like “well not yet, are you?” And he says “Yeah, all the time. I live right around here, I’m here like every day.” So I’m like “Where do you have fun?” So he tells me to lock my bike and then walks me around for like two hours all through Central Park, explaining where everything happens and when. Then he takes me to this place that felt like this smut Disney movie: he walks me through these small, baby trees and behind this one large tree is all these guys in a circle, jerking off in broad daylight surrounded by a thicket of leaves in the middle of Central Park. It was so cool. Then he took me to his favorite private spot that nobody was at and we fucked.

I’ve read a lot about cruising. There’s this book called Secret Historian: The Life and Times of Samuel Steward, Professor, Tattoo Artist, and Sexual Renegade and it’s by Justin Spring. If you don’t know, Samuel Steward is the guy that Dr. Kinsey studied in order to define homosexuality on the Kinsey scale — he’s like as far polar gay as you can get. He wrote about every single person he ever had gay sex with, hence the name secret historian. He talks about living in Chicago and working near a naval base and how the sailors would come into his tattoo shop and he would suck their dicks, drink, give them tattoos, and then they would go about their lives in the navy.

The whole Take Me album I’m writing right now is sort of an emotional roller coaster of being young and day in this moment. Originally the concept was describing how we dealt with pandemia but part of that was me dealing with a big ole break up from a very important relationship. I think being able to have some very free, chaotic sex was really helpful for me. With the “It’s Not Enough” track, we actually shot the music video in Prospect Park which is an area where I cruise. So it was really about realizing that you have the tools around you to get your needs met autonomously and cruising is one of those tools.

I think if you’re interested in trying to cruise, here’s my tip: if you want to go about it completely alone just brace yourself for a series of triumphs and failures until you start to understand the game better. That’s just how a lot of people do it. But if you find yourself asking how to do it, you might want to go with a friend first. If you can find somebody who knows the ropes, have them show you the ropes because someone is going to have to show you at one point whether they’re a stranger or not.

You can follow Blew Velvet on Instagram, stream their music online, or visit their website. You can also subscribe to their OnlyFans for $9.99 per month.

Grindr revolutionized hookup culture back in 2009 as the first social networking app to use geolocation to find potential mates. Whether home or abroad, finding love, sex, and community has never been more convenient for queer folks, and our newest feature is about to make things even simpler. Introducing My Tags.

With My Tags, users can choose keywords that most accurately represent their identity and preferences to explicitly find what you’re looking for, whether it’s a long-term monogamous relationship with a daddy or a discreet military twink with a foot fetish. No matter how broad or niche, My Tags will make whatever you’re searching for more attainable. Think of it like SEO for your Grindr profile.

If you’re eager to see which keywords made the list or you’re looking for a refresher on our community’s ever-evolving terminology, see the tags below and choose the many or few that best suit you.

Anon: Short for “anonymous.” Don’t expect much intimacy from this dude. You’re no more than a pole or a hole in this scenario.

Bator: Short for “masturbator.” A moniker often used to describe someone who gets off on solo or partnered masturabtion, edging, gooning, and other forms of manual intercourse.

Bb: Derived from the equestrian term, meaning to ride a horse without a saddle. Except you’re riding dick without a condom.

Beard: This guy has a face full of hair, save for some weak spots that he’s probably insecure about. Men with weak chins may use it as camouflage.

Bear: A big, hairy man who probably growls during sex. He might even eat all the food at your campsite.

Bi: Short for “bisexual,” this person’s sexual and/or romantic interests are not limited to one gender.

Bubblebutt: Has an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. The bottom’s version of “hung,” meaning its interpretation varies by individual.

Carplay: Fooling around in a vehicle. A popular option for gays who can’t host and homosexual Uber drivers.

Chastity: This person is not looking for sex. It could be a kink (meaning they’re aroused by denying themselves orgasm and sexual pleasure) or a vow of celibacy. If the former, they might wear a chastity device (see: cock cage) to enhance the experience.

Chub: A person with some delicious meat on their bones.

Cleancut: Is a well-groomed individual and believes haircuts give them superpowers.

College: Is currently attending college, meaning they have a roommate and a fairly regular drinking schedule.

Condomsonly: Condoms are their chosen form of protection.

Cruising: Wants to meet in a public place (likely a forest, park, or restroom) for sexy times. Intrigued? Read more on cruising here.

Cub: A smaller, typically younger version of a bear.

Cuddling: Is looking to snuggle, watch a movie and maybe get into some heavy petting. This person is craving intimacy but is too lazy to douche.

Cut: A particularly gauche way of saying circumcised.

Daddy: Typically an older, mature man, though its definition has evolved to become more of a mindset for those with masculine or dominant energy.

Dating: Wants dinner before getting dicked down.

Dirty: Refers to the mind, not their hygiene or the current state of their apartment (though it might).

Discreet: Wants to keep their private life private. Expect them to delete and create a new profile every few weeks. Don’t worry, they’ll come back. They always do.

DL: An acronym for “down-low,” meaning they might be closeted or are seeking non-negotiated intercourse outside of their relationship. In either case, they’ll have a blank profile.‍

Dom: Short for “dominant” (and the “D” in BDSM), a dom is the aggressor who typically takes charge during a kinky sexual session. The dom serves to satisfy a sub who, in a healthy BDSM relationship, has already expressed their boundaries prior to play.

Drag: A drag queen who is online to talk about dick, not drag.

Drug-free: Doesn’t use drugs.

DTF: An acronym for “down to fuck.” Not a fan of “endless chat” and will be quick to suggest WhatsApp for quicker communication.

Edging: Takes the long road to orgasm by repeatedly nearing and denying climax, building toward a deeper, stronger orgasm. A worthwhile technique for those looking to build endurance in the bedroom.

Feet: This person is aroused by feet and gives a fantastic foot massage. It isn’t weird. Don’t make it weird.

Femme: This person’s appearance and/or mannerisms could be perceived as what’s considered traditionally feminine.

Flexible: Can wear their ankles as earrings. Could also be referring to their sexuality.

Friends: Seeking relations of the platonic variety.

FTM: An acronym for “female to male,” meaning this person’s sex was assigned female at birth but identifies as male.

Furries: Refers to a sexual interest in anthromorphic characters or animals with human-like features. The fetish may also include an attraction to stuffed animals and isn’t necessarily sexual.

FWB: An acronym for “friends with benefits,” the benefit of which is sex. A friend to breed is a friend indeed!

Gaymer: A gay video game lover. Ask for their gamertag and play with each other’s joysticks.

Gear: Is aroused by fetish gear like harnesses and dressing up.

Geek: This person identifies as a nerd and can speak at length to the X-Men as a queer metaphor.

GH: An acronym for “glory hole,” which are fist-sized holes typically found in bathhouses, adult theatres, restrooms, even people’s homes for anonymous oral and anal sex. Read more about glory holes here.

Group: Fond of orgies and group sex. The more the merrier!

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Hairy: This man is hairy all over and will satisfy your Burt Reynolds on a bear skin rug fantasy.

Hands: This guy appreciates the under-valued art of handjobs, fingering and other manual methods of stimulation.

Hosting: Prefers hooking up at their place. Judging their apartment is completely warranted.

Hung: Has a pendulous schlong swinging between their legs, or at least thinks they do.‍

Jock: Despite its athletic origins, someone who identifies as a jock may or may not play sports (because gay). It generally means they’re in good physical shape.

Kink: Often confused with a fetish, a kink is something that turns someone on, but is not considered the norm. Conversely, a fetish is a sexual act or object that is almost always necessary for a person to become aroused and enjoy sex. The more you know!

Kissing: Big on smooching.

Latex: Has a sexual preference or desire for latex items, usually apparel and accessories. Often drawn to its tight and glossy qualities.

Leather: Similar to latex, this person is aroused by and attracted to leather. Can be found at the Eagle.

Limits: This person wants you to know that they have boundaries that should be respected.

Lingerie: Somebody who embraces their feminine side by wearing sexy negligee, or is attracted to somebody who does. Played in mom’s closet as a kid.

Looking: Is currently looking for sex; hates “time-wasters.”

LTR: An acronym for “long-term relationship,” this person prioritizes dates over dicks.

Masc: This person’s appearance and/or mannerisms could be perceived as what’s considered traditionally masculine.

Military: Served or currently serves in the military.

Monogamy: Is seeking a monogamous relationship, meaning a relationship with one person, opposed to multiple.

MTF: An acronym for “male to female,” meaning this person’s sex was assigned male at birth but identifies as female.

Muscle: A hulking Adonis with a social following in the tens to hundreds of thousands. See for yourself, they’ve definitely linked to their Instagram.

Nipples: This person gets aroused when their nipples are teased or played with.

NSA: An acronym for “no strings attached,” meaning sex without emotional fidelity. Serves Craigslist Casual Encounters realness.

Nylons: Enjoys wearing or playing with someone dressed in nylon or pantyhose.

Oral: Into mouth stuff.

Otter: A slim, hairy person.‍

Pic4Pic: Will only send pictures if you first agree to send them back. Might block or ghost you after getting their rocks off. Don’t take it personally, it’s their MO.

Piercings: Has more than two holes.

Pits: Enjoys licking and sniffing pits and is offended by deodorant. The mustier the pit, the more they commit.

Poly: Short for “polyamorous,” a type of ethically non-monogamous relationship that refers to folks who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.

Poz: Is HIV positive. Remember: Undetectable means untransmittable!

Public: Is turned on by public sex and the possibility of getting caught. Knows a great spot nearby.

Pupplay: A subset of the “pet play” fetish, where individuals behave and inhabit the headspace of a dog. The pup fetish is not necessarily sexual, and often involves playing fetch and pup gear, such as hoods and tails. While the fetish centers around canines, no actual animals are involved.

Pup: The titular pup in pup play. Loyal to their pack and obedient to their handler (unless they’re a stray), who traditionally plays the dominant role in a pup play scenario.

Quickie: A CliffNotes version of sex. This person is probably on their lunch break.

Roleplay: Enjoys playing a character to help bring a sexual fantasy or dynamic to life. Think: teacher/student, cop/robber, camp counsellor/masked serial killer with mommy issues.

Rough: Not interested in love-making, this piggy wants to fuck. Don’t be gentle with this one.‍

Rubber: Has a sexual preference or desire for rubber apparel and accessories.

Rugged: An outdoorsy type. Wears flannel, Wrangler jeans and work boots. Lists hiking somewhere in their profile.

Safersex: Prioritizes safer sex practices.

Showoff: An exhibitionist who enjoys masturbating and showing off for others. They get off on praise and adoration.

Sissy: A pejorative term for someone considered feminine. Someone who self-identifies as a sissy is likely aroused by its implicit degradation.

Smooth: This person is either naturally hairless, or takes a razor to their fur to assure their body is smoother than a twink’s chin.

Sober: Doesn’t drink alcohol.

Spanking: Is aroused by spanking/flogging. Has been very bad and needs to be punished.‍

Spit: Is turned on by spit. Wants to be basted in someone’s saliva.

Sub: Short for “submissive” (and the “S” in BDSM), a sub assumes the more compliant role in a kinky scenario, getting off on obedience, discipline, spanking, etc. If Batman is a dom, Robin is a sub.

Tentacles: A sexual interest in tentacles and the creatures that possess them. The sexualized genre of Japanese manga and anime known as hentai was made to appeal to people with this fetish.

Thick: A husky individual with a body thicker than oatmeal.

Toys: Likes playing with toys, which is far less innocent than it sounds.

Trans: Short for “transgender,” meaning their gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth.

Twink: Zac Efron in High School Musical.

Twunk:  Zac Efron in Baywatch.

Vaccinated: This person has been vaccinated and is ready for another injection. #vax4vax.

Vanilla: Their sexual interests don’t typically include anything out of the ordinary.

Video chat: Enjoys erotic interaction over video. A wonderful long-distance option, or if you don’t want to clean your apartment.

Visiting: An out-of-towner and fresh face on the Grindr grid seeking foreign validation, dick, restaurant recommendations, etc.

Watching: A voyeur who gets off on spectating; possibly into cuckolding. ‍

WS: Short for “watersports,” meaning this person likes pee and maybe jet skiing. Their showers are golden and their toilets are human.

From the “MONTERO” music video’s lap dance in hell to that White Lotus ass-eating scene, 2021 was brimming with iconic moments we’ll be thinking about for at least 6 more ‘All Too Well’s (that’s one-hour standard time). We surveyed 10,000 Grindr users about their favorite queer pop culture moments of the year, and here's who came out on top.

Gay gasp of the year

We were heavenly blessed with many opportunities to damage our vocal cords this year, but the one gay gasp to rule them all came courtesy of America’s sweetheart, Lil Nas X. The “MONTERO” music video featured Lil Nas sliding down a stripper pole into the underworld and giving Satan a lap dance. Sinful? Maybe. Sexy? Honey. Iconic? Absolutely. Keep giving ‘em hell, Lil Nas.

TV show of the year

Who else had, “Let’s play a squid game, play a squid game, do you want love, or you want fame? Are you in the game?” in their head for most of this fall? If not, maybe instead you were obsessing over Sex Education, a show about horny teens on Netflix that really resonated with people of all ages. Throw in renowned actress Gillian Anderson and some of the year’s best queer representation on television, and I truly do believe that the children are the future.

‍

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Movie of the year

Pop quiz: are these statements from the House of Gucci press tour true or false? Gaga committed so hard to her character that a psychiatric nurse was on set? True. Gaga was afraid that Patrizia would find her while filming? True. During a red carpet interview Gaga said, "I don't believe in the glorification of murder. I do believe in the empowerment of women." Yeah, um, that’s true too. This woman gave everything. Father, Son, and House of Gaga!

Song of the year

Well, it wasn’t the Jamaican dancehall album we were rooting for, but Adele is back and, in typical Adele fashion, her lead single “Easy On Me” will absolutely bring you to your knees (not in the sexy way). Does everyone remember where they were when they first heard the part of the song where she goes “EeeEeEeeEeEeeeeeeeEeeEasy…on me”? I was sobbing while getting my ass ate. Let’s also give a huge shoutout to Lil Nas X and Doja Cat for making our return to the clubs that much yummier this year. Stream “SCOOP” for clear skin.

Album of the year

The fact that Taylor Swift moved the release date of Red TV up a week shows you the power and might of Adele’s music industry, so it’s no surprise that 30 took our number one album spot as well. Now, let’s talk about how hard it was to get a damn ticket to her show…haha just kidding we love you Adele. But seriously please help us get tickets to your show. Jk jk. Unless?

Podcast of the year

A podcast about Chippendales being the most popular with Grindr users? Groundbreaking. But there’s more to Welcome to Your Fantasy than meets the eye ear—throw in a murder mystery with all that ass and you’ve got a solid mix of Magic Mike and Gone Girl. Special shoutout to Louis Virtel of Keep It for keeping all the actressexuals out there fed with anecdotes on Jane Fonda, Barbara Loden, Florence Pugh, and more. Mare Winningham hive, we eatin’.

Tiktoker of the year

Plastique using TikTok to show that she can be fish and trade with the blink of a hair flip? We love to see it. Her magical drag transformations have captivated the TikTok world, but we have one super important request: drop the skincare routine, sis. Special shoutout to Barry Brandon, who is always serving looks for the feed. Fashion line when?

Comedian of the year

Y’all really Nailed It! with this pick. That was cringe, but unlike me, everything that comes out of Nicole Byer’s mouth is actually funny and cool. This year she finally got to bring her whimsical brand of drunk auntie to the masses with her first Netflix special BBW (Big Beautiful Weirdo), and Grindr users ate it up. Special shoutout to our Las Culturistas fam, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, who gave their readers (fans) the most unhinged culture awards of all time.

Queen of the year

RuPaul may not know her last name, but Trixie Mattel is still the biggest star on our end-of-year tree. As a Queen of The Universe judge she keeps it real and funny, and we are dying to stay at her new Palm Springs spot, Trixie Motel. If I had to guess, I think the color palette will be giving…Pepto.

OnlyFans of the year

OnlyFans really tried it this year by saying they would ban pornography on the platform. Um, what? Don’t worry, they quickly backed that thing up and have continued hosting your faves. Speaking of which, former go-go boy and Slag Wars host Matthew Camp is your top…top? of the year. Hope he is ready to keep giving us the boyfriend experience in 2022.

^{Art by Zach Brunner}

Summer 2020 was coming to a fateful end, so I asked a few friends to join me at the nude beach, a local queer hotspot, for boozy freezies sold by big-breasted and bare-chested women, and for gay cruising nestled within the surrounding foliage.

As fate would have it, moments after we arrived, the sunny skies turned dreary and grey. When the rain came minutes after our arrival, many of the beach-goers had begrudgingly picked up their towels, their jockstraps, and fled for the city, save for a few 20-something otters in pup gear.

Being the only others on the beach, I observed as these four men fumbled with a tennis ball and frolicked in the wet sand together. Each wore a leather mask with ears and snouts, a spiked collar, a silicone tail, and a clear plastic cock cage. They topped a communal dog bowl with White Claw and would take turns lapping it up and licking one another.

“Bobby, are you crying?” a friend asked, concerned.

Surprising even myself, a few tears had trickled down my cheek. Something about the pups’ playfulness was just so beautiful to witness. They didn't have a care in the world and, as a radical neurotic, I admired and envied their devil-may-care attitude.

After their play session, the pups laid down on a bundle of blankets fixed like a dog bed and took a nap nuzzling each other. I, on the other hand, was an emotional wreck and had to go home.

Making fetch happen

Pup play is considered a subset of the “pet play” fetish, where individuals behave and inhabit the headspace of a particular pet or animal. While pups are the most popular, many other animals are emulated as well, from ponies and foxes, to cats and dragons. No biological animals are involved and, while categorized as a fetish, pup play isn’t necessarily sexual.

In fact, when a survey asked over 4,000 pups and handlers to rank pup play from 1 to 10—1 meaning “purely social” and 10 meaning “purely sexual”—the average score was 5.5.

For Pup Fox (real name: Ray),  the fetish is a combination of the two. Sexually, Fox uses his pup persona and gear as a way to allow himself to surrender to his deepest desires. Non-sexually, he uses the persona as a coping tool to subdue his anxieties. In both cases, Fox’s “pupsona” helps him feel more confident, sexually and socially.

“I never used to be able to be social in any setting,” Fox tells me, sheepishly. “But as a pup, I feel confident enough to put myself out there and play with others. In my pup world, every experience is a good one.”

Generally speaking, there are two roles one can assume in pup play: the pup and the handler. Pups typically inhabit the submissive role, whereas handlers (or sirs, masters) are dominant, though every pup and handler has their own dynamic.

“For pups, it’s generally about finding a top or dom that helps them get into that puppy headspace,” Pup Amp, sex educator and co-host of the YouTube and Twitch channel, Watts The Safeword, tells Grindr. “Sometimes the pup is looking for a lifelong mentor, sometimes short term play or direction, or just looking for some quick sexy times.”

The hierarchy among pups is more nurturing than authoritarian, and these roles are especially common among “packs” (a community of pups who belong to the same social group). The most common roles being: Alpha, Beta and Omega.

Alphas are the dominant pup, offering guidance and structure to Betas and Omegas. They’re the “top dog”, so to speak. The Beta is in the middle, following the guidance of the Alpha while serving to train and care for the Omega(s). Sort of like a vice president. The Omega serves the Alpha and Beta and devotes themselves to supporting and learning from the pack, while “strays” belong to no one and roam on their own.

“For the handler, the appeal is about training a pup, taking control of a leash and providing directions,” Amp says. As a queer person, mentorship can be crucial and hard to come by. Finding a handler is one way some will seek this support.

“I enjoy giving my pups lots of attention and affection, in the same way it’s fun to pet and love up on a real dog,” Dan, a 43-year-old handler, shares. “I even have a treat pouch that clips to my pants to hold M&Ms or gummy bears to give my pups as a treat when they’ve been good boys.”

Handlers take pleasure in guiding their pups in the right direction and protecting them from the dog-eat-dog world. In return, they receive unconditional love and affection. “I think of pup play as a power exchange that's much more focused on positive reinforcement than negative reinforcement,” Dan says. “It's got a much different vibe because its operant metaphor is different from, say, sir/boy or master/slave.”

Headspace or tails

The “pup headspace” is arguably the most important aspect of the fetish. This allows pups to let go of their inhibitions and embrace their primal side.

For some, entering the pup headspace is as easy as putting on gear, getting on all fours, and playing with a chew toy. Others advise that you meditate and envision the type of dog you want to emulate, analyzing how it moves and barks, and trying it out yourself.

For some, pup headspace can be difficult to achieve and the difficulty can differ by the day, but there are courses, online and off, that one can take for more personalized tips for entering the headspace, as well as Youtube videos and even pup-themed playlists.

Pup life

To better understand the pup life, I reached out to Support Pup Cooper, an educator and coach for pups and kinksters, to chat about his inaugural experience as a pup.

Cooper met his first handler, Cutter, a handsome Alpha pup transitioning to Handler, online, where their relationship quickly evolved from in-app chatting to video messaging. Cutter would ask Cooper to send him photos in full gear and ask him to send videos playing fetch and feeding from a dog bowl.

“It would make me so excited and so nervous,” Cooper says. “It made me feel submissive, especially when the things were recorded because then I knew they were out there.  It was one of the first times I felt the coveted puppy headspace.”

Eventually, the two decided to meet at MAL (Mid-Atlantic Leather), a three-day event celebrating the leather community,  and initially met in their hotel lobby in their human clothes. He requested when they meet the following day, that Cooper be fully geared up.

“As I met up with Cutter in the lobby, he immediately asked me to sit at his feet on all fours,” Cooper explains. “He put a collar on my neck and the click of the leash made chills go through my body.  Suddenly I felt cared about and safe, like I belonged.”  

After hotel staff informed them that they’d crossed the line of what was appropriate in their lobby, Cutter invited Cooper and another pup to his room. When they entered the room, Cutter sat in a chair and played fetch with the pups on the floor.

“We played like that for a while, and then Cutter unzipped his pants and had us come and play with his thick cock,” Cooper says. “Then he had me do something I wasn’t expecting. He had me play with the other pup’s ass and asked if I wanted to fuck him, and I did. The other puppy was on all fours and I was behind him, fucking him like dogs do, while Cutter watched and played with his cock in his chair.”

It was an eye-opening experience for Cooper, who would later meet with Cutter in his hometown, where more good times followed. Not much else occurred between Cooper and Cutter after that, save for the fact that Cooper knew without a doubt that he was a bona fide pup.

“Many aspects of that experience were not things I’d imagined I’d have done or enjoyed, but doing them opened my eyes to a whole world,” he says. “Pup play is about playing like a dog, of course, but it’s also a sexy and freeing place to grow in, and a place to be cared for and cared about.”

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Finding your pack

The simplest way for a pup to find community is to begin online. The advent of the internet is responsible for the pup play explosion in the ‘90s and again with social media’s growing prevalence in the 2010s. According to many pup sites, the fetish traces as far back as 17th century Europe, though much of its history, at least from an academic perspective, is largely speculative.

“I’ve found social media is a great way to find pups in the community and make connections, even if there isn't a thriving pup community in the immediate area,” Spot (real name: Garrett), shares. “There’s a large active pup scene on Twitter especially.”

Amp agrees. “Twitter is a large platform that allows anyone with ‘pup’ in their username to find each other, myself included.”

There are also resources like pupspace, an online community and app designed specifically for pups and handlers, as well as less specific sites like FurAffinity, which welcomes furries and pups alike. Fetish-based sites like Recon and FetLife are other worthwhile options, and have sections dedicated to pups and handlers.

“Most local groups, also known as PAH (“pups and handlers”) groups,  will have a website, Facebook group or some sort of social media presence to learn about events near you,” Amp says. “If you live in a small city without a PAH group, larger events and kink conventions exist in larger cities as well.”

If you happen to live in or near a larger city, there is a good chance your local gay/leather bar hosts a pup night or “mosh.” Just do your research, ask around and do some sleuthing, Scooby!

Doggy style

For many, pup gear is paramount to entering the pup headspace and their first purchase is usually a hood. Before making the investment, spend some time entering the headspace, fully envisioning your persona.

For example, are you more of a quiet and trustworthy Golden Retriever, or a yappy, rambunctious Jack Russell Terrier? Once you have a better sense of your pupsona, it’ll be easier to find a matching hood.

When it comes to tails, there are two types. One can be clipped onto a belt or harness, whereas the others are shoved up your ass. In either case, it’s considered disrespectful to touch one’s tail without permission from the pup and/or their handler.

Since pups spend much of their time on all fours, knee pads and gloves (or “paw mitts”) are another worthy investment. These are padded gloves specifically designed for pup purposes, forcing your hand into a fist so you cannot use your fingers.

Collars are a bit more complicated and can mean very different things to different people. At its most rudimentary, the collar signifies that a pup is subordinate to a Sir, Alpha, Beta, etc. and is the responsibility of the individual who collared them. For some, a collar is considered on par with a wedding ring, whereas for others, it carries a more casual meaning. Some will even throw collar ceremonies, which are celebrated similarly to weddings.

Leashes can be simple dog leashes that attach to your collar, or you can opt for a full-body harness. Queer retailers like Mr S Leather, Eagle Leather, Fort Troff, Square Peg Toys and The Stockroom will have any and all of the above.

Good boy!

At first glance, pup play can be perceived as silly. I’ll admit when I first laid eyes on the pack of pups on the beach, I scoffed. But I was ignorant and uneducated. The more I witnessed these young pups, the further I drifted from my initial reaction, because I dropped the societally influenced bullshit and saw the fetish for what it is: an innocent and powerful form of escapism.

Pups have an incredible ability to tap into that nostalgic, imaginative place that once powered our childhoods, like when I’d wholeheartedly believe I was Storm summoning rain in the shower (I can’t possibly be the only one who did this).

Stripped of all the barking, the hoods and the tail plugs, pup play is a group of people with like-minded interests supporting and caring for each other. And if you can’t get on board with that, then go fetch.

It’s here! The gift guide you never knew you needed: where seven personalities from Gay Twitter (who you probably follow but whose last names and professions you definitely don’t know) tell you what to brave the supply chain to buy.

Why add a Gay Twitter gift guide to the thousands of others out there? Like I said in last year’s inaugural edition, we’re subverting gifting guides’ most common trope, experts selecting gifts for a niche audience, by consulting a population that has lots of recommendations, but virtually no expertise. Let the loudest voices guide you!

In this year’s edition, contributors once again selected a gift - something that’s good for a significant other, for example - and a stocking stuffer. The less expensive stocking stuffer options are perfect for someone you’ve been on three to five dates with and are currently using as a placeholder for your New Year’s Eve kiss. Keep them warm while you see who else is out there.

This year’s most common theme was skincare, and as a card-carrying member of Gay Twitter, I support the investment. One of the great risks of living much of life online (especially through a pandemic) is that when someone meets you IRL for the first time, they expect you to look like the version of you that’s displayed in perfectly-lit selfies. So here’s my tip: check out the gift recommendations below for your loved ones, but give yourself sunscreen and wear it even through winter.

Austin Bingham | @Austin_n_Austin

Gift

I was late to the trend, but I recently jumped on the “wearing several necklaces of varying sizes and styles” bandwagon. I don’t know what took so long since I’m usually up for anything that brings attention to my chest. If you’re looking for unique, affordable, queer-owned jewelry for yourself, your man, or your sidepiece(s), check out the up-and-coming brand Haus of Garçon (Price Varies). I recently purchased their Jacob Nude Pearl Pendant in gold (I’m a huge fan of pearls and gold), and I’ve received compliments everywhere I’ve worn it--from music festivals to anniversary parties.‍

Stocking Stuffer

I’ve been in love with Maison Margiela’s Replica cologne since one of my favorite skincare and luxury goods Instagram influencers (Sean Garrett) recommended their Jazz Club scent (it’s totally understandable if you hate me after reading that sentence, I reread it and hate me too). Their fragrances are on the expensive side, so I’d suggest gifting the Replica Discovery set ($38) as a stocking stuffer. The set comes with 10 different scents so recipients can try them all and decide which they like from there. My personal top three are Jazz Club, Bubble Bath, and Fireplace.

Dylan Adler | @DylanAdler6

Gift

‍Subscription gifts keep on giving long after the holidays pass, and my favorite of the bunch is a subscription to Bokksu ($135 for three months). With Bokksu, you receive a box of PREMIUM snacks from Japan every month. And when I say it’s premium... Bitch. It. Is. Premium. We’re talking yuzu lemon flavored popcorn and persimmon flavored mochi, both of which were included in my last box. All of the treats and flavors are incredible and, to be quite honest, the best part of my month is receiving this box. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if the only thing that keeps me going is my Bokksu arriving on the 20th day of the month.‍

Stocking Stuffer

‍Who says stocking stuffers have to be stuffed into a literal stocking? I think the best gift for a friend living in a major city is Venmoing them $1.99 to cover downloading the Flush app (that’s for the Pro version; there’s a free version as well, but this is a gift guide). The app that tells you which bars, hotels, restaurants, etc. allow the general public to use their bathrooms. It points out disability access, bathrooms that require keys, and allows you to rate your experience. I just started an SSRI and it’s doing a number on my bowels; this app is invaluable to me but also to anyone who poops (everyone).

Frank Costa | @feistyfrank

Gift

‍If you have self-diagnosed short term memory loss like myself, then you need to invest in a Tile product immediately. Their tracking devices use Bluetooth to connect with an app on your phone. Personally, I never lose track of my keys, but I always misplace my wallet. Life is too much of an anxiety roller coaster right now to add a scavenger hunt to the list. If you’re new to Tile, I recommend buying a value pack like the Mate Essentials Pack ($80), which includes one sticker, two devices with keychain holes, and one slim model (which is my favorite). The slim model is built like a credit card so it slips right into your wallet. I may be losing my mind, but I won’t be losing my wallet.‍

Stocking Stuffer

‍Let’s talk about the husband, Mrs. Claus! I work for Bravo and consume a lot of Bravo, so of course I’m going to recommend you light up the night with The Eternal Flame’s Our Lady of Hunky Dory Prayer Candle ($25). I’ve always been someone who’s thought that lighting a candle and taking a bubble bath will suddenly fix all of my problems. But also Kathy Hilton is an icon. She’s a legend. And she is the moment. Kill two reindeer with one stone on Etsy and buy a Bravo-themed holiday card ($6.50) from my friend and HollabackCards creator Danielle Peterson. ‘Tis the season to be as messy as a reality TV star trying to get their contract renewed!

Gabe Bergado | @gabebergado

Gift

‍I recently had the pleasure of laying down on a friend's couch under his Brooklinen weighted throw blanket ($169) and unfortunately it was so comfortable that I now also want one. They come in four gorgeous colors and if nobody is blowing your back out this winter season, let this blanket do the job.

Stocking Stuffer

‍As a Virgo who loves to be practical and loves a deep clean, I  highly recommend gifting the dishwasher-less in your life (and/or yourself) a pair of rubber dishwashing gloves. They'll protect delicate gay hands from scorching hot water, let you use your fingers to scrub out bits of food that sponges can't reach, and most importantly, make you look like the thicc mom from Dexter's Laboratory. You can also splurge even more and get a pair of the rubber gloves that are cotton lined ($6) – now that's luxury.

Jay Jurden | @JayJurden

Gift

‍A pair of New Balance sneakers make for a stylish gift, and you can’t go wrong with the XC-72s ($120), the 327s ($100), or the 990s ($185). But I also think great gifts should be a little outside the box, and so I’m recommending a hardcover copy of House of X/Powers of X ($54). It’s also a better option if you don’t know someone’s shoe size. The book is the starting point for the new X-Men era we’re in. It’s a great, ambitous story and it’s a queer story that covers everything from bigotry to polyamorous couples on the moon. It may be a book, but it’s got a lot of pictures for gay men who can’t pay attention. I’m very excited for Gay Twitter to move on from Elizabeth Oslen as Wanda Maximoff and start losing their shit about X-Men again.

Stocking Stuffer

‍Anything from Good Molecule, the affordable online skincare line, makes a great stocking stuffer. They have this amazing anti-blemish product - the BHA clarify gel cream - that’s only $10. While it’s super cheap, it’s super high quality. It’s one of the few things I’ve seen on Instagram and bought. And I still have a face!

Jonny Ramos | @SharkPizza

Gift

‍As someone who loses my wallet every time I step out, cross body bags have been a real lifesaver. The HAMMITT Levy Small Crossbody Bag ($87) is my favorite for any occasion, especially for my holiday travels. The bag is small enough to take anywhere, while still fitting everything I need (ID, credit card, keys, even chapstick). And in case you're bringing it to the beach or worried about tan lines when wearing it to a day party, the straps are removable and it can transition into a big wallet (just don't lose it).‍

Stocking Stuffer

‍It’s getting cold outside, even in Texas where I live. The cold, dry air means I have to keep my skin care routine on lock, even if I'm covering my body up a bit more than other seasons. I try to pay special attention to my face and the I'm From Honey Mask ($38), from South Korea, contains a healthy dose of real honey in order to make sure I’m moisturized and glowing for the holidays.

Matt Stopera | @mattstopera

Gift

‍I know, I know, unless you're anti-environment, you probably already have a water bottle. But listen, this one is elevated. I discovered the "Dopper" (€29.50) long, long ago in 2019 when we could freely travel and I was visiting Amsterdam. I noticed every Dutch person had this stylish ~European~ water bottle. I know Europe is a continent, but, like, this screamed EUROPEAN. I had to have one. It not only reminds me of something from an early 2000s futuristic music video, but it also doubles as a wine glass. Yes, the top screws off into a little wine cup. It's basically my picnic in the park party trick.‍

Stocking stuffer

‍I'm one of those gays that has been dying to find a scent for himself for years, but it's just too stressful and commitment of all sorts is a *life* issue for me. That said, I’ve finally found my beard scent. I use Everyday Oil ($14) for my beard and it's not only good for moisturizing the skin under my beard (which I never thought about until my barber told me it was important), but it also smells SO good. Like it's one of the things I look forward to in the morning because it makes me feel nice and hot.

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The idea for Grindr was born in West Hollywood, California, where the crosswalks are permanently painted with rainbows. When I joined the Grindr team In 2015, we were rounding the corner on the company’s sixth anniversary, and the app had taken off in nearly every country on earth. Becoming so global reflected on Grindr’s incredible appeal and success but also posed challenges: most of the world wasn’t (and still isn’t) as accepting a place as West Hollywood.

Grindr for Equality

Grindr has always been about helping queer people connect, but we knew that the possibilities for connection weren’t the same in every country. That’s why I came from the LGBTQ non-profit space to build Grindr for Equality, or G4E, the company’s social justice program with the mission to help create a safer, more inclusive world for people of all sexual orientations and gender identities. Through G4E, we endeavor to support local activism and uplift the safety, health, and human rights of LGBTQ+ people around the globe.

One of the first things I did at G4E was set up a classification system for the world’s countries based on the risk LGBTQ+ people face. As a geolocation-based app, we recognized an opportunity to do good in areas of the world that have the greatest struggle towards acceptance.

The annual State-Sponsored Homophobia Report from ILGA World and ILGA Europe’s Rainbow Europe rankings proved essential in developing the classification system, but I also needed to talk to members of my personal and professional queer networks so that we could learn how we might help address difficult incidents in their region.

This work is ever-evolving, and we continue to update and refine the inputs, but here is the five-tiered system, rated from active emergency to relative safety.

Level 5

Countries whose governments have placed active bans on the use of Grindr like Indonesia and Turkey, as well as countries where we block our services like North Korea.

Even in these banned regions, I assume that some people find ways to access Grindr, even at great risk; their safety needs are often significant, so I ensure our safety resources are translated into relevant languages and made available to them.

Level 4‍

Countries that are experiencing active, ongoing emergencies. This might either be for LGBTQ+ people specifically, like was the case in Egypt during the winter crackdown of 2017, or for a country’s entire population, regardless of sexual orientation and/or gender identity, like the beginning of the Syrian refugee crisis.

For these countries, we disable the Show Distance feature that allows users to see how far away other users are. We also provide a set of free safety features to our users, send daily push notifications to announce known risks in the area, and share available safety resources.

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Level 3

Countries that are not experiencing an immediate crack down but that are still extremely unsafe for LGBTQ+ people.

Similar to the level 4 countries, users logging in from these areas of the world receive free safety features, the Show Distance feature is disabled, and weekly alerts are sent concerning risks in their area.  

Level 2

Countries that generally pose relatively little risk to LGBTQ+ people. They include places like Eswatini and Singapore where sex between men is technically illegal but the laws aren’t known to be enforced and there have been relatively few violent incidents motivated by homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia in recent years.

Even in these places, heartbreaking incidents do happen, so we provide users in this region with important safety resources, but thankfully the need isn’t so great that we send out unprompted alerts to users.

Level 1

Finally, Level 1 countries are those with progressive legal and social systems that help LGBTQ+ people thrive. When I’m asked what countries I would point to that have the best laws, I often mention Malta, a relatively small country in the Mediterranean that has instituted some of the best policies for our community.

The safety features we’ve created for countries with higher risks is something that I’m particularly proud of. We’ve instituted things like screenshot blocking, disappearing photos, and the opportunity for users to unsend messages for the upper levels of the scale. We developed these features with the more dangerous countries in mind but ultimately released them to all users in recognition that even in countries with robust LGBTQ+ laws, users anywhere can become targets.

For example, we learned that as users in Beirut moved through multiple military checkpoints they experienced abuse when soldiers recognized the Grindr app on their phones. Of course, from our perspective, the Grindr icon is meant to represent connection for our community, not a trigger for harassment and discrimination. Thanks to our collaboration with the freedom of expression organization, Article 19, and the activist developers at The Guardian Project, users are now able to disguise Grindr as a notepad app, a clock app, etc.

Although the stakes are highest in the Level 4 and 5 countries where LGBTQ+ people are actively targeted simply for being who they are and loving who they love, the truth is that our community faces risks to its safety in every corner of the globe. We hope that our efforts to help address those risks serve as an affirmation that our community deserves to be safe and healthy. In solidarity with those who suffer hardship because of who they are or how they love, we as a company work hard every day to provide a platform that facilitates joy and connection.

^{Art by Zach Brunner}

Among glass blowers, a glory hole is a high-powered furnace that burns at over 1000 degrees Fahrenheit. Its purpose is to reshape or polish unfinished glass. Among most of society, however, glory holes are recognized as fist-sized holes that folks (gay, curious, or otherwise) shove their cocks through to fuck or get sucked.

While largely considered an artifact of queer culture, glory holes have recently re-entered the zeitgeist when both New York City health officials and the BC Center for Disease Control suggested glory holes were a safer way to have sex during the pandemic since they prevent face-to-face contact.

Given its cultural renaissance, now seems as good a time as any for a modern education on glory holes. From its political past and relevance today, to proper etiquette and tips for making one in your own home, let’s pay homage to the iconic hole that’s served more men than the hungriest of power bottoms.

Bedsheets: The modern glory hole

Glory holes can still be found in most gay-friendly neighborhoods across the world, though I was surprised to find out how few people actually use them. I recently shared a poll on Instagram and found that only 15 percent of the 300 people who voted have used a glory hole in the last two years. This is especially surprising since my audience is mostly queer and sex-positive.

The majority of those who voted yes mentioned that the glory holes they used were made from bedsheets hung in people’s apartments. The remaining percentage used them in adult video stores during various stages of re-opening.

“One time I stopped by the bookstore around 2 a.m. not expecting much action,” Louie, 30, says of a recent and exhilarating experience. “I was waiting in a booth when a guy came into the adjacent one, so I looked through the hole and made eye contact. He put his cock through the hole and I started doing my thing.”

During this particular visit, Louie forgot to lock his door, and while he was busy servicing one patron, another entered his stall. “I ended up sucking them both together and rubbing their cock heads against each other,” he describes. “Eventually they both came and I swallowed their massive loads. It was one of the hottest times I've had at that bookstore and I hope it happens again.”

Prompted by glory hole porn, Olly, 23, installed one in his home a few months prior to the pandemic using a bed sheet and command strips. “I really enjoy servicing at a glory hole because I find my attraction (or repulsion) in men no longer matters,” he explains. “At a glory hole, I can concentrate on two things: milking a dude for all he’s worth and blowing my load.”

Olly appreciates that, with glory holes, he doesn’t have to worry about his appearance and whatever else might distract him from enjoying the experience. He’s also drawn to its no-frills nature. “Seeing a guy unzip and slide his semi-hard tool through the glory hole makes me salivate,” he says. “I love knowing that the person on the other side is only there for my throat.”

Building on this testimony, a study published in the Journal of Homosexuality in 2001 found that the anonymity of glory holes help men overcome insecurities, whereas others were just exhibitionists who liked showing off for other men.

While no longer a necessity to skirt legal prosecution (remember: being gay was a crime), people still use glory holes because the anonymity of the act is, and will always be, hot as all hell.  

A glory hole etiquette lesson

If you’re using a glory hole in a public bathroom, etiquette is especially important since you don’t want to expose yourself to somebody who is using the stall for its intended purpose. That’s why it’s important you “signal” first.

Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Spaces (which was originally published in 1970) says visitors should signal interest in one of three ways: (1) by peaking through the hole, (2) by wiggling their fingers through the hole, and (3) by sticking their tongue through the hole.

If you’re not interested in servicing the individual, the universal signal is to block the hole using your elbow or palm, or simply don’t interact.

It’s rarely a good idea to verbally proposition your neighbor, since someone could overhear, but these rules can be relaxed in a sexual environment like an erotic book or video store.

Some men have no qualms (and actually prefer) seeing the person they’re engaging with. In this instance, protocol is to enter the stall at the farthest end of the bathroom, close the door and, when someone enters the neighboring stall, tap your foot (which is also a popular signal for understall sex). If your neighbor recognizes the signal, they will join you in (or under) your stall.

If you want to switch from mouth-hole to asshole, the initial decision is often made by the bottom, who might present their ass at the glory hole, which their neighbor can oblige or refuse. Whatever you do, don’t force or coerce anyone into doing something they’re not interested in. As Glen, 38, expresses: “If a guy pulls back when I offer my ass, I honor that and resume sucking.”

Of course, if you plan to engage in any anal or oral activity, it’s your responsibility to bring condoms, lube, and whatever other pleasure products you may require.

Forums and websites like Grindr, Squirt, Reddit, Hole Hunter, etc. feature exhaustive descriptions on glory holes, including: the location, the best time to visit, the type of men they typically attract, and general rules for safety and discretion.

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How to make a homemade glory hole

If you’re not comfortable frequenting a public glory hole or you just can’t find one, the experience can easily be recreated at home.

Forums tend to agree that bedsheets in a doorway is the easiest way to create a glory hole. If you don’t want to damage your linens by cutting a hole, hang two sheets adjacent to one another and use the opening between them as the access point. You can use clothespins to keep the sheets together in key areas and duct tape to secure them to the doorway.

Cardboard is another popular option since it’s easily obtained and can be folded up when it’s not in use. Plywood works as well, though you’d need power tools to make the hole and a larger space or garage to store it. If you’re using a stiffer material, use duct tape to create a smooth rim around the hole and cushion the sharp edges since you don’t want to get castrated, presumably.

In my opinion, the best, most cost-efficient way to create a glory hole is using a curtain and tension rod. Here’s how:

1. Purchase a tension rod and a curtain that has holes or tabs at the top.
2. Hang the curtain in the doorway using the tension rod and mark where your penis would meet the curtain. (With a tension rod, you adjust how high or low the hole is by placing the tension rod higher or lower in the doorway, making it accessible to people of different heights).
3. Trace a hole around the previously marked area using a wide cup or glass and cut. The hole should be about the size of a fist.
4. Hang the curtain, find a cock you want to suck and have some fun!

A little glory hole history

In 1707, glory holes as gay slang made its first recorded debut in the court document case: “Tryals of Thomas Vaughan and Thomas Davis.” As it’s written in the original text: “a Boy in the adjoining vault put his Privy-member through a Hole.”

The case ultimately exposes a notorious blackmail ring in 18th century England, but also gives us a general timeline of the glory hole’s origin, though they weren’t recognized as “glory holes” until 1949, in the anonymously published pamphlet: Swasarnt Nerf’s Gay Girl’s Guide.

Queer author and playwright Felice Picano, who updated the third edition of the renowned gay guide The Joy of Gay Sex, tells Grindr that the term “glory hole” is derived from the plumbing and oil drilling industries.

An article published by Slate says the term described “large cavernous openings” (insert joke here). Picano suspects the correlation began as a joke that caught on as coded language among gay and closeted  men.

As bathroom stalls became more common in society, glory holes did as well, reaching their apex during the sexual revolution of the 1970s. Since homosexuality was criminal and the advent of the internet was still decades away, location details were primarily spread by word of mouth and other crafty means.

“In NYC, for example, there was a system of men's rooms all over the subway line system,” Picano says. “Friends had maps of the entire system, along with notations like times of day they were most active.

Restrooms were ideal for anonymous sex because they were divided by gender and offered anonymity as no physical features could be identified. It was one of the few spaces queer and questioning men could explore their authentic desires without fear of being caught by the law.

Eventually, the gradual decriminalization of homosexuality, the onset of the HIV/AIDS crisis as well as the introduction of harder, impenetrable stall walls, collectively prompted the decline of glory holes, and by the late 90s, they were comparatively scarce. Most existed in bathhouses and gay bars, where their usage was (and is) still quite popular.

No gays allowed

Glory holes would eventually find their home in adult cinema and book stores since bathhouses were subject to regular and well-documented raids, while strip clubs, which offered similar services for straight men, were able to operate without interference.

These new spaces became the birthplace of “buddy booths,” which were similar to glory holes, except you could see the other person if you chose to. When a button was pressed on either side of the closet-sized booth, a curtain blocking the view of your neighbour would lift. If both buttons were pressed by neighbouring patrons, both curtains would lift and they’d be able to watch each other through a clear partition. Some booths were modified with glory holes so individuals could see and touch each other.

However, the regulars in these stores were straight men, and they weren’t fond of gay people frequenting their spaces, so they decided to make buddy booths and glory holes their culture.

Notably, a line of adult magazines, videos and DVDs titled GLORYHOLE put a decidedly heterosexual spin on the queer tradition, depicting women servicing large, disembodied cocks through glory holes and buddy booths.

With supposed press kits advertising that glory holes are “not just for fags anymore,” queer folks felt less safe in these spaces and many abandoned the tradition they helped create.

Despite these efforts, glory holes have and always will be remembered as a queer invention of necessity at a time that our existence was considered an abomination. Albeit a simple concept, glory holes have and will always be a symbol of sexual revolution among the queer community. A physical barrier that managed to bring people closer together.

In respective new releases, two authors apply journalistic rigor to what most of us consume with a one-track mind, furiously skipping Semenax ads. Indeed, writer-lecturer Jeffrey Escoffier’s Sex, Society, and the Making of Pornography and photographer Kenneth Gruenholtz’s Uncensored are all about gay porn.      

Though they come from relatively SFW fields, both Escoffier and Gruenholtz uphold porn’s prurient essence. Throughout his research, Escoffier emphasizes hardcore – footage of “oral, vaginal, or anal” insertion – as being of particular epistemological value. (“Only with the advent of gay hardcore movies...were gay audiences able to see gay men as active agents of homosexual desire,” he writes.) Gruenholtz's B&W portraits, though fashioned after the idealized glamour shots of early Hollywood, incur Instagram censure so often that he’s decamped to OnlyFans.  

Gruenholtz’s photo book – also the basis of a recent ClampArt solo show – never shies from...insertion. But the catalyst for the series – a year embedded with globetrotting gay porn studio Lucas Entertainment – was something of a fluke. “I met [founder] Michael [Lucas] when he messaged me out of the blue, asking if I’d shoot him at the Belvedere on Fire Island,” Gruenholtz recalls. “[Afterwards] he asked if I’d [do] some work for his company, Lucas Entertainment. I said no [Laughs] – not because I look down on pornography...I just said, ‘I’m not interested in doing that.’ On the way home, I thought, Ken, why’d you say no so quickly?”

Having initially turned down the opportunity, Gruenholtz agreed on the condition of creative privileges and access to talent. “We all know what the models do on camera,” says Gruenholtz, who concentrates in environmental photography – capturing real people at home or work. “The primary purpose was not to titillate but to create something beautiful...What appealed to me was [the question of], what do they do when it stops?”

On a string of destination porn sets, from Puerto Vallarta to Barcelona, the answer could come as a surprise. “I would’ve thought that when cameras stop, you pull out, relax, chat, whatever...But sometimes that didn’t happen,” he says. “Sometimes the cameras stop, but the actors decide they want to continue having sex. [Albeit] in a different, more relaxed kind of way. The sex during breaks was very different from the sex during the video shoot, which I found interesting.”

To know Lucas Entertainment is to know its production value. Shadowing Lucas (who directs and acts in his films) and a semi-rotating cast of porn stars, Gruenholtz saw the insides of Spanish villas and five-star suites. But chemistry proved a key ingredient in his level of access. “I learned a tremendous amount,” he recalls, “in terms of interacting with models, what people do and don’t respond to...Those things take experience, and I was able to get a very heavy dose of experience.”

Of course, Lucas’s sets may reflect an above-average mise en scène – both in terms of location and on-set hedonism. So much so that several months into the project Gruenholtz had real doubts about finding a publisher or gallery willing to market the photos. Ironically, one decidedly pre-coital snapshot whelmed him to continue.

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“After a shoot in this really luxurious condominium overlooking the water – all white and glass, like a James Bond film – Michael and the model [Jackson Radiz] went into the bathroom,” he says. “There was definitely a connection between them...Michael was in the bathtub, and [Radiz] was leaning over him, and Michael had an erection pointing straight up. When I looked at it later, I didn’t see pornography. [I saw] an interaction between two people that...just so happened to include an erection.”

In some strange way, Gruenholtz’s time on set reflects Escoffier’s porno-social theory in overdrive. The luxury condo, for instance, exemplifies what the author calls the “erotic gestalt,” or the mise-en-scène: the “the physical setup (the set), decor, costumes, props, lighting, positions of the camera. Arousal...‘is stimulated by the scenario of presentation, by the mise-en-scene and the implied narrative.’” Escoffier also examines intangible dynamics, like sociological scripts, and how porn uses these to construct fantasy and fulfillment.

One episode Gruenholtz recalls – a regrettable misstep in which he inquired after one model’s sexual identity – indirectly evokes such scripts. “I could tell it made him turn inward, which is the last thing I wanted...But his reply was really smart – he said, ‘I mean different things to different people, so why spoil an illusion for anyone?’ That was the last time I asked anyone that question.”

Though the model’s rejoinder sufficed, he might just as well have pointed Gruenholtz to these lines in Escoffier’s text, had there been a copy on set:  

The actor’s porn persona consists of a hodgepodge of beliefs about gender, sexuality, identity, acceptable sexual scripts that he may engage in, and his repertoire of acceptable sexual acts...Thus the actor’s porn persona is a “situational sexual identity” that is constructed to be used within the confines of a porn career and the gay porno business.

Published as a collection in February, Sex, Society, and the Making of Pornography reflects some 25 years’ worth of interviewing on-and behind-camera talent. “I’m more interested in the ‘making of’ [aspect], because frankly I personally can’t imagine making a porn movie myself,” Escoffier, 78, says on a call to discuss the book. “I can’t imagine being in one, for sure. So [my question was], How does it get made? And a lot of my themes emerge from there.”

The “Making of...” in the title refers to behind-the-scenes insights (“As one porn actor after another iterates...making porn is hard work”) as well as a post-Boys in the Sand historiography of hardcore. Just as the former (see: on-camera sexual performance being hard work) may serve to challenge porn’s low rank in the pop-cultural hierarchy, so may the latter. For instance, Escoffier describes a brief “porn-chic” era, in which standard movie houses would show gay as well as straight porn, and Variety would publish reviews of both. As to why, then, the industry has largely evolved in the margins, he says that after 1973 – when porno hits like Deep Throat out-earned mainstream cinema – Hollywood changed the MPAA ratings in order to hobble the competition.  

It’s a shame, too, when one considers gay porn’s early potential as a sort of backchannel PSA. “For gay men, the transition from beefcake to hardcore was extremely important,” Escoffier writes – referring to the late-60s, early-70s paradigm shift from male-order physique magazines to triple-X film. “Not only because homosexuality had been a stigmatized form of behavior but also because historically there were so few homoerotic representations of any kind.”

Basic representation aside, early hardcore productions, such as Wakefield Poole’s beachside phantasmagoria Boys in the Sand (1971), “[often] adopted some sort of high-concept, psychological angle or plot.” Escoffier also cites true-to-life narratives, à la Jack Deveau’s Fire Island Fever (1979), as formative to the burgeoning queer hive-mind. “All [Deveau’s] films had narratives,” he says. “[Fever] is about a couple who try to be open and go to Fire Island to test their policy. And, of course, they can’t do it...So [narrative] was another way in which porn could disseminate knowledge.”      

50-plus years on, are we due for a “porn-chic” renaissance? The sudden OnlyFans boom, not to mention the micro-trend of self-styled influencers recasting sex work in their own outré image, suggests as much. But in Escoffier’s view, perceived chicness is no substitute for what he calls “reality effects.”

“Porn is a very weird cultural form [in that] it requires proof of actual sex, [via] erections, ejaculations, and so on,” he explains. “We don’t hold any other medium to the same standard as porn; in true crime, we don’t need to see a murder to believe the story...I don’t know if that makes [porn] ‘high brow,’ but I do think it should be taken seriously.”      

Our perceptions of porn – as being “fake,” i.e. false, or that its hardcore-ness imparts some lesser net value – are deep-seated. As a kind of corrective contrast, Escoffier and Gruenholtz focus on the real – not so as to dilute our fantasy, but rather to illuminate its subsurface. For his next book Gruenholtz plans to focus on that central “reality effect” – the erection. “It’s not about sex, per se,” he says of the forthcoming book – inspired in part by Rudolf Nureyev’s indelible hard-on as seen by Avedon. “Avedon describes it as one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen in his life: [Nuryev] took off his clothes, and as he raised his arms, so did his dick go straight up...What I find fascinating is [capturing] the excitement in getting naked.”  

They also, however, agree on a balance between connoisseurship with temperance. “Porn may be becoming more a part of our everyday discourse about sex,” observes Escoffier. “[But] do I really want people to know that I love Broke Straight Boys? I don’t know.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with pornography,” Gruenholtz reiterates – asked if life with Lucas Entertainment altered his at-home viewing habits. “But I will say there was a period when I didn’t want to look at [it]...For a while, I did take a break.”