^{Photo by Ramon Christian}

“How would you like me to refer to your genitals?”

“Cock? I guess?” Penis felt clinical, dick felt crass.

I was seated beside sex and intimacy consultant Court Vox in his West Hollywood apartment, about to begin my 4-hour “embodiment session.”

For context: I’m no stranger to therapy. I’ve long been searching for a professional to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I seem to get over my ex? Why do my palms sweat the moment I enter a retail space? Why am I finding it harder to cum?

The pickle

Specifically, when it came to the bedroom, I’ve been feeling increasingly off lately. I was finding it difficult to get out of my head during hookups, analyzing every moment for possible signs of disinterest from my partners (are they enjoying this? am I doing something wrong?), leaving virtually no headspace for pleasure.

Quarantine, of course, didn’t help matters. No longer locking eyes with a potential lover in a bar or, better yet, dark room (RIP), I’m instead home, alone with my neuroses, forced to be intentional and proactive about every sexual encounter (ugh). The fancy prostate stimulator I invested in early-quara was just collecting dust in my bedside drawer (too much work) and most days I skipped masturbating altogether.

Though I consider myself a bottom, I’ve been shying away from bottoming, instead preferring quick, oral scenarios (blow ‘n’ go’s, to use the Grindr parlance) over anything more sustained. And, more often than not, I’ve been brushing my partners’ hands away, saying “it’s fine” and pulling up my underwear to leave without climaxing.

I suspected my antidepressant (shoutout to my girl Lexapro) and 2020 being the least-sexy-year-of-all-time had something to do with it, but I also felt something psychologically deeper was awry. This behavior didn’t feel self-actualized and I wanted to get to the bottom of it (no pun intended).

I tried talking with my regular shrink about these issues but his eyes always seemed to glaze over (or, worse, was he getting... aroused?). Either way, he was useless to me in this department. Talk can only get you so far. So I began searching for an expert, i.e. a sex therapist.

Which brings me to Court Vox. I found him on Instagram of all places, @courtvox, where he identifies as a “sex and intimacy consultant” offering “body-based learning” through immersion retreats at his studio in West Hollywood. His website explains, “My work is designed to nurture, deepen and/or awaken the sensual self.” I was sold.

The session

On the day of my session, Court opened the door to his studio and almost immediately got to work. “Close your eyes and imagine you’re wearing a backpack. Fill it with everything you came here with today: your work stress, your home life, maybe your nerves about this session. Take a deep breath and feel the weight of it all.” I did; it was heavy. “Now take it off.”

With that, he reached for a long rope and my heart started to race. We’re doing rope stuff already? He explained that this rope, tied in a circle, signified our boundaries and trust. We invited various intentions into the space—curiosity, playfulness, eroticism—before he instructed me to stand inside the circle with him and lean backwards, putting my full weight into the rope (trust fall vibes).

At this point I felt like I had stumbled into a college drama class. Intellectually I could guess what he was aiming for with these exercises, but I’m not someone who is typically moved by spiritual, hippy-dippy type stuff. I get it, we have to establish trust, but my anxiety was forcing me to anticipate when exactly the body-based learning would begin.

“Have you ever had your feet washed before?”

“Never,” I laughed. He ushered me to the couch and told me to close my eyes and just focus on the sensation. If my mind started to wander, I was simply to bring it back to the physical feeling in my feet. I tried to relax as he massaged my feet in a way that can only be described as sensual. But my mind was racing, judging the strangeness of this gesture, then judging my judgement of it (I’m exhausting even myself here).

Afterwards, he sat beside me and asked how it felt. “Amazing!” I said, and thanked him. He looked deep into my eyes, waiting.

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Fine, I admitted it made me a little uneasy. “I think I don’t feel comfortable receiving things. Like I start to worry about what I’ll have to do in return or I feel an expectation to perform pleasure and then that takes me out of the moment?”

I thought about it some more. “Maybe I don’t feel worthy?”

And there it was. It sounds textbook (and dramatic) in retrospect, but in the moment this was a revelation to me. He’d unlocked one of my subconscious roadblocks, through a foot rub. This guy was good.

We’d found the focus of our session: cultivating worth. Court explained that this is a very common issue for clients. We get stuck in patterns of giving, oftentimes to deflect from ourselves, and we lose sight of who/what all that giving is actually for.

We returned to the couch to communicate our “agreements” before the final portion which he called: body work. Bingo. He explained the next hour or so was all about me learning to receive pleasure.

Some ground rules

• “I am going to take care of myself. Trust that I will communicate what I need,” and vice versa (can all hookups begin with this incantation?).  
• “Stay in the yellow,” push yourself to places you might not normally go.
• “Don’t yuck someone’s yum, and don’t yum someone’s yuck.” When your partner expresses a fantasy or desire, do your best to make them feel safe and understood in their vulnerability (even if you ultimately decline to engage).

With these agreements in place, Court asked if I preferred to have him undress me or to do so myself, in private. Fearing the intimacy of the former (sadly I can’t recall the last time even a lover has disrobed me), I decided to strip down myself, sprawling out on the massage table and waiting for him to return for the “active massage.” My instructions were to be vocal, ask for what I wanted, move my body in response to touch, and make noise when I felt like it. This wasn’t some rub ‘n’ tug at a cash-only Weho parlor—this was deeper. Together, we would cultivate a mindfulness of touch.

Out of respect for Court’s practice, I won’t delve too deeply into the secrets of body work. It’s a personal, intimate practice, and I wouldn’t want anyone to misconstrue real learning for some sort of perversion. I experienced a different kind of pleasure, one that I had to actively request, and I think I unlocked a suppressed part of me. Having to vocalize my desires empowered me with a sense of confidence I usually lack during hookups (no more mumbling, “I don’t know, what do you want me to do?”). Not to mention, I discovered I enjoy some light flogging (who knew!). After around 20 minutes, I decided to stop early, wanting to end on a high. I was trembling, light-headed, hungry. The duration of a full hour at such intensity frightened me, and Court understood, commending me for listening to my body.

He ran me a shower and when I returned to the living room I saw he had prepared me some fresh fruit and toast. We sat down to chat about what I had felt, to “integrate” the experience. With the big unknown behind us, my anxiety had almost completely evaporated, and it was as if I was talking with a close friend, a mentor even.

I did have one specific question for him, something that had been plaguing me for a while: why do I feel like I have to tense my legs straight in order to cum? It’s like I’m practically planking for an orgasm. Am I alone in this? He laughed, no. Apparently it’s quite common, and has something to do with our physiology: by tensing your legs you’re helping to push the blood flow to the groin area. He said I could try masturbating in different positions, effectively training myself out of the habit (“try jacking off with your feet above your head!”). I had a few more questions, to say the least, but this was only my first session, and I hoped I’d be back.

The old mental health adage of “you’d go to the doctor to fix your broken arm, why wouldn’t you go to a psychiatrist to fix your depression?” should extend to, “why wouldn’t you go to a sexpert to improve your sex life?” We’re conditioned to think sex comes naturally, and it does most times if we’re lucky, but life can twist us in ways that impede this innate pleasure. Sex therapists guide us back to the path of unbridled joy, back to the “big O.” The lessons I learned from Court were really broader philosophical truths.

The bedroom is a microcosm of our entire lives--strengthen your sex life, and that success can only ripple outward.

Before I left, Court had me write a postcard to myself, which he’d mail sometime in the future. Not quite sure how to condense the expanse of my feelings at the time, I quickly scribbled, “You’re a giver, and that’s good, but start taking a little more. And maybe try some light flogging. Love, yourself.”

Everything has changed this year (understatement of the century). Quarantine has forced us to reconstruct our lives in an almost entirely digital space. But they say constraints breed creativity, and that’s definitely the case for Rob Tennent, a recent fashion graduate of Auckland University of Technology in Zealand. Faced with the news that his senior class would no longer have a final runway show due to COVID-19 restrictions and budget cuts, Rob decided to showcase his collection on Grindr.

“The idea came to me as I was scrolling through Grindr and saw a faceless torso sporting a vintage Helmut Lang singlet. This was the lightbulb moment. I thought, if I could get around six accounts to post images in my singlets, it’d look cohesive and would emulate a lookbook/ campaign.” So that’s just what he did.

We spoke with Rob about the project, fashion, Grindr, and more. Here are some snippets from our conversation:

What are you wearing right now?

Sitting in a cafe called Annabel’s, in a pair of vintage Levi’s and a thrifted Acne shirt.

Tell us about your upbringing/coming out experience.

I was born in Cambodia to a Vietnamese mother and a European father. I moved to St. Lucia and Papua, New Guinea for a few years before settling in New Zealand at the age of 12. I then went to an all boys boarding school here for five years, which was certainly a unique experience for a soon-to-be-out queer teenager. (Shout out to my best friends Luca and Tyler, I would have not survived without my gays!) I came out to my dad when I turned 16 and he responded the way any parent should: with love. I then came out to my mum who told me she pretty much knew from my early childhood but never cared to ask. I have been extremely fortunate.  ‍

What made you decide to pursue fashion?

At boarding school, we had a fabric technology class where we had to sew a pencil case in six weeks. I had completed mine in the first week and the teacher encouraged me to try making a shirt or some pants, which I did. I then realised how much I loved doing it and how much more I wanted to learn.

Who are your biggest design influences?

Rick Owens and Helmut Lang.

What's your favorite/least favorite fashion trend fo late?

Favourite: probably bucket hats, I think they are cute. Least would probably be repeating a logo and using it as a print, but I think that is on its way out.

Tell us about your graduate collection.

Originally, I wanted to step away from this aesthetic and go for tailored suits, similar to pieces Phoebe Philo did for Céline. A week before I was due to start this project, we entered a five week lockdown, and then another after that, and I realized I wouldn’t be able to do the original idea. I actually had started these singlets the year before, and I had all the patterns and research already available, so I decided to revisit it and make a second iteration. The cut out ideas were inspired by Helmut Lang’s 2004 collection. I made them all into body suits because I hate it when things come untucked.

Where is the ideal place to wear these designs?

Clubbing for sure. I designed this for the club scene. When you want to show off some skin but not too much. The garment is relaxed yet sensual at the same time.

Why do you think fashion means so much to the LGBTQ+ community?

I think when you feel ostracized, you learn to give less of a fuck as you get more confident in your own skin. For me, I was suppressed for so long in a heterosexual space that as soon as I had any freedom, I went wild with it. Society tells us to hide and be ashamed, so in many ways it is an act of rebellion to be different and expressive. I certainly have been through the phase of finding myself and trying new things such as make up and dressing differently, it’s liberating.

What's New Zeland's queen scene like?

We all exist in our own little bubbles. I try to integrate myself as much as I can but I mainly stick to a smaller crowd. We actually only have one or two gay bars and even then it’s usually the same people. The community is small and especially now without international travel, it has shrunk immensely. There has certainly been a surge in queer parties and safe spaces that are being organised by figures in the community that are determined to make an impact and change. I support where I can and am as vocal as I can be, but I would love to do more. I’d say I sit slightly outside the community, I’m an Aquarius so I’m quite distant and aloof.

What's your Grindr like? Any favorite memories?

I remember being on a school trip in Sydney and chatting to a really hot guy. I snuck out of my hotel room to go on a date with him. Afterwards, I texted my straight roommate telling him to go for a long walk so I could have this guy over. While we were hooking up I heard a knock on the door—it was my teacher telling me to get ready for dinner while this guy was literally standing behind the door fully naked! I don't know how I got away with it. Three years later, we still keep in touch. He has come to Auckland and I have gone to Sydney and we stay with each other each time. A very special man! That’s probably the most successful memory I have.

What's been getting you through quarantine?

Comfort food. Mac ‘n’ cheese. Instant Raman noodles. Brownies.

What's next for you?

I am just going to enjoy New Zealand summer and everything it has to offer! I realised I have never explored the small towns in our beautiful country, so I will be road tripping around with my little film camera. I will continue creating content and working with brands here, but probably will move in a year or so! I’d love to maybe publish another book or dabble in film/directing. No set plan, just going with the flow!

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These days internet gift guides are as common as holiday films (of which, they are 82 out this season, including several of queer offerings for the first time). There are gift guides for boyfriends, gift guides for practicing self-care, and even gift guides that recommend a $2,000 Ouija Board.

So how does one subvert gift guides’ most common trope, experts select gifts for a niche audience, for a publication such as this? By consulting a population that has lots of recommendations, but virtually no expertise: Gay Twitter — where the takes are hot and the brains are smooth. (I can say this, as a card-carrying member.)

I surveyed seven Gay Twitter personalities for holiday gift recommendations giving them no theme or guidance when I made my request. Their picks range from the super dystopian to the super gay, with candles being a common theme in both buckets.

Each contributor included one gift, like for a boyfriend, and one stocking stuffer, like for a hot stranger who lives in a different state that you’ve been DMing since mid-March.

Alex Abad-Santos, @alex_abads | New York, NY

Gift

I'm financially slutty and irresponsible when it comes to candles, so if you really want to impress someone with a great present, go with Byredo's candles ($85) —  Ambre Japonais, Peyote Poem, and Bibliotheque are my favorites. Yes, they're pretentious — instead of telling you what they smell like, Byredo has fashioned tiny, flowery vignettes for each scent — and they're expensive, but a fancy candle is one way to make someone's space feel a little more livable this time of year through the seemingly inevitable next wave of lockdowns.

Stocking stuffer

‍Is it bleak to give someone a mask as a stocking stuffer? Yes probably, but unless you've got an in at Moderna or Pfizer, masks will continue to be a fixture in our sad realities. The best one I've tried is from a company called AsWeMove whose pre-mask claim to fame is performance, dancey-looking underwear. The masks, called Stealthshields ($15), are the most comfortable and breathable I've tried and kinda make you look like a superhero at the same time. They're also really great to work out in (if gyms and outdoor training are still open and happening).

B Graeter, @the_petshopboy | New York, NY

Gift

‍My pick for a gift is a puppy (Priceless), to give you bitches a reason to sit your ass at home this holiday pandemic season. Tired? Pics of your trips back and forth to Tulum, Puerto Vallarta, and Miami at the height of uncontrolled viral spread. Wired? Pics of you and your puppy — at home.

Stocking stuffer

‍Alcohol consumption has increased across the board this year, with Nielsen reporting alcohol online sales increasing over 250% from 2019. Drinking through (at least the first half of) 2021, is no excuse for your skin to suffer. Some of y’all need to include more water in your daily diets, and a Soda Stream ($50) is the perfect way to remedy that. Replace straight vodka with vodka sodas, and your skin complexion will thank you come vaccine time!

Jarett Wieselman, @jarettsays | Los Angeles, CA

Gift

When lockdown ends, I want to emerge looking fresher and younger than I did when it started. That’s why I’ve spent far too much money trying out new skincare routines and I gotta tell you, nothing compares to SkinCeuticals. This Biocellulose Restorative Mask ($120) is one of my favorites, and I’ve been paying careful attention to get as much of the serum as possible around my forehead and eye area (anything visible with a mask on). You truly can’t go wrong with any of their ridiculously expensive but very effective products — plus now I can say with confidence that it costs a lot to look this good.

Stocking stuffer

‍I wasn’t a big homebody before lockdown (mostly just used my apartment for sleeping and, well…) so I didn't really need cute clothes for just lounging around the house. But now that I haven’t had to put on jeans for nine months, I’ve basically been living in these super soft and surprisingly chic Pair Of Thieves sweatpants ($60).

Michael Benjamin, @mfbenji | Los Angeles, CA

Gift

‍My favorite type of gifts to give are small items that are useful but that you’d never buy yourself, such as a pizza cutter shaped like a race car ($25). No one would buy themselves a race car pizza cutter because that’s frivolous, but being gifted one? Brilliant. It’s a fun gift that has a clear purpose. The next time you bake a Trader Joes’s pizza, you’re going to be thrilled to slice that baby with your double-bladed utensil.

Stocking Stuffer

‍Play-Doh ($5). Everyone likes Play-Doh. It’s creative for kids, and it’s a great stress-reliever for adults. Also, my mom always said everyone needs a toy to open during the holidays, even adults, and Play-Doh is the perfect toy that can sit in a desk drawer and keep you entertained while you’re stuck on endless Zoom calls.

R. Eric Thomas, @oureric | Baltimore, MD

Gift

‍People say taste in artwork is subjective but that doesn’t apply if you have good taste. Channel your inner Thomas Crown by giving your friends and relatives a firm push in the interior decor department with a limited edition giclee print by Kadir Nelson ($405-$755), and make sure to remind them that Nelson’s artwork has been featured on the cover of “The New Yorker” multiple times, for that extra dash of taste cred.

Stocking Stuffer

Whether the gift recipient has gotten really into meal prep or is working their way through “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat,” they’ll be surprised by how many uses they can find for a food scale ($14.95). From measuring macros to making macarons, this gift will transform everyone’s food game. And who doesn’t want to weigh their meat?

T. Kyle MacMahon, @tkylemac | New York, NY

Gift

‍Since I'm gay and immunocompromised, two things keeping me company while I'm alone at home during the COVID-19 pandemic are candles and endless cups of iced coffee. Not to sound like an infomercial host, but did you know it’s possible to chill hot coffee in under a minute without melting the ice, watering your coffee down, and completely ruining it? You didn’t? Enter the HyperChiller ($25), which has been making my quarantined mornings (and afternoons, and sometimes evenings) much more pleasant.

Stocking Stuffer

‍My favorite type of candles are three-wick candles; I won’t say which brand because #notsponsored. There was a time when those candles required me to walk to the bodega to buy grill lighters in order to keep my candles lit  (I had a bad incident with a match once, don’t ask.) This flexible rechargeable USB lighter ($14), that I will shamelessly admit I bought after seeing James Charles talk about it on YouTube, eliminates the need for matches or a bulky grill lighter altogether. Sister sustainable.

Anonymous

In a rare show of discretion, one member of Gay Twitter elected to give his recommendation off the record. His advice was too sage not to share. “Just tell the girls to buy a ring light to fix their nudes and call it a day.”

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A picture is worth a thousand words, but great photography transcends language.

Texas Isaiah - who has built a platform on the foundations of mutual care and respect through the camera lens, reminds us of the beauty found in being different. From projects like Image is an Offering that centers Black trans and gender expansive people loving themselves to their recent work Intimacy in Isolation - which was in the New York Times -  Texas continues to affirm the idea that even in our darkest moments, there is much to be said with one snap of a photo.

“Doing photography has taught me about connectivity and establishing relationships,” he says, noting that photography isn’t just about getting the right photo, but about helping others to feel seen. “It’s about establishing community and images help me provide different methods of caretaking and mutual respect for those who look and live like me.”

Through his talent, he has been able to redefine representation by highlighting stories that are often left out of traditional media.

“Doing photography for me is about celebrating heritage,” he shares, noting that he knew photography was his calling after doing his first full length project because it gave him the space to think about the intersections of his identity. “When I did Blackness, It gave me the opportunity to document and celebrate the diversity of the African diaspora who also highlighted the spectrums across gender and sexuality. This was important for me as this allowed me to be more vulnerable with myself and the people in the project”.

For Texas Isaiah, being behind the camera is a testament to the power of Black trans people and how one photograph can redefine the definition of representation. “For me, it’s about the proximity to the art,” he says. “It’s knowing that so many Black trans people will never have the chance to work with someone who understands their story. I think that is what fascinates me about this work. There is really a talent for capturing Black (trans) people, specifically in their full image.”

While Texas believes there are many things that photographers can learn from his work, he hopes they also learn from his trajectory as a Black trans person. “I think we need to delve deeper into conversations around compassion for others and for self,” he shared.

“My work is not only about showing intimacy, but also about reminding people that they don’t have to choose a singular path to establish career artistry.”  

Following this idea has led to great success for Texas. Recently he had the chance to work with big names like Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union for Times, and his long time idol Janet Mock. “There is just something so magical about Black people,” he says, noting how working with them helped him better understand the need to think outside the box.

Upon asking him what advice he would give other queer photographers during this time, he noted how important it is to not feel pressured to be someone they’re not behind the camera. For Texas Isaiah, the most beautiful part of being a photographer is embracing the process.

“For young Black, queer, disabled, trans/gender expansive people I would say that the most important part of this process is being okay with time,” he explains. “It’s your right to protect your work and your legacy. Feel free to take your time in developing your projects and don’t feel like you have to rush the process. Oh, and always ask questions. It will save you in the end.”

Above all, his message continues to be one that is loud and clear.

“Community can be found in photography and always remember to follow your heart.”  

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I have a confession to make: there is nothing I enjoy more on this planet than a rim job. When perched on someone’s face, I’m a king on his throne. Nothing else matters except the tongue tickling, teasing and penetrating my hole.

“Anilingus feels so good because the anus is loaded with sensitive nerve endings, such as pacinian corpuscles, which respond to vibration and pressure, as well as free nerve endings which respond to temperature and touch,” Cam Fraser, Australia’s leading men’s sex coach, tells Grindr. “Thus, stimulating the area between the genitals and the anus (the perineum), the anus itself, and even the area leading up to the tailbone, especially with a tongue, can all create fantastically pleasurable sensations.”

Beyond feeling fucking fantastic, the taboo nature of the act can be incredibly arousing. It can also help bottoms settle into a sexual experience. “The more relaxed you are, the less tension you hold in your body, including your pelvic floor and anus,” Fraser explains. “So by spending time helping a sexual partner relax into a sexual encounter through external stimulation of the anus, you can help them open and be better prepared for anal penetration.”

For adult performer Diggory, the proud owner of a nine-inch cock, sex can be difficult without it. “Rimming is an essential part of getting my boys ready to get fucked, both physically and mentally,” he tells Grindr. “Just like all good foreplay, it's all about building anticipation of what's to come.”

Since rimming is an integral component of a queer man’s sexual repertoire, I figured some credibly-sourced tips on the matter wouldn’t hurt. So settle in students, it’s time for a lesson on rimjobs.

Practice safer Rimming

As is true for just about any sexual activity that involves potentially mixing bodily fluids and intimate areas with one another, taking the proper precautions to ensure you’re both protected should be considered. Hepatitis A, herpes, HPV, and gonorrhea can all be transmitted via rimjobs––some through feces and others through skin-to-skin contact, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Bacterial infections, like e.coli, salmonella as well as giardia, a microscopic parasite, can be transmitted through rimming as well. Generally speaking, it is wise to avoid rimming if your sexual partner is experiencing symptoms of a possible stomach bug as they may be more likely to transmit bad bacteria.

Before tongue hits hole, make sure your bum—as well any other areas that may be involved—is clean as a whistle about 30 to 60 minutes beforehand. While you don’t have to douche (the tongue won’t be penetrating more than half an inch deep; but, to be fair, rimming can lead to deeper penetration), cleaning the area with an antibacterial soap or butt scrub will suffice.

When it comes to how clean the area should be, Diggory advises you talk it out with your sexual partner beforehand. “Some guys like a hole to be shower-fresh, others like a bit of sweat and musk,” he says. “Just relax and get comfortable, because I'm going to be down there for a while.”

Barrier methods are another way to practice safer rimming, the most sensical being a dental dam. While not as commercially available as condoms, there is a simple and effective hack: grab a pair of scissors, remove the reservoir tip, slice the condom length-wise, and voila! You’ve got yourself a DIY dental dam.

Assume the position

While the most popular position is on all fours, there are a number of different ways you as the recipient can position yourself, each of which offers different physical sensations. Ideally, you want easy access to your hole and the ability to spread your cheeks.

You can lay on your back with your knees held high (place a pillow under your lower back for leverage), get real comfy and lay flat on your stomach (a pillow is helpful here as well), perch firmly on their face, or, as a flexible someone on Instagram informed me, attempt the “plough pose,” where your legs are planted over your head and your hole is hoisted up in the air, presenting itself like a holiday ham.

Build anticipation

It’s a tired cliche, but when it comes to rimming, slow and steady wins the hole. I understand that you’re hungry and eager to dive in but, as with all things anal, you need to romance the area first.

“There’s an intensity that comes with the desire to really get up in there and go to town on a hot hole when it’s in your face, but you need to slow it down,” veteran porn performer and director, Nick Capra, says. “I’ve noticed men respond more to slow tongues––tease it with slow circular motions.”

Don’t start directly on the anus, make the hole anticipate the tongue. “Start slowly by gently kissing around the perineum and build your way toward the anus by circling your tongue around the outer area before sucking and nibbling the anus directly, even inserting your tongue into the opening,” Fraser says.

Mix it up

If you’re rolling your eyes out of boredom while someone’s tongue-deep in your hole, they’re not doing it right. The same routine gets boring real quick, so switch up your technique.  

“Tongue that hole like you're making out with it,” Diggory says. “Swirl your tongue in circles, flick around with just the tip, go in deep, give him some good long licks right from the balls all the way up his ass crack.”

Both soften and flex your tongue, lick every little fold in the hole as these host the most nerve-endings. Flirt with speed, direction and pressure. Lap it up like an ice cream cone using your entire tongue, then point and penetrate, getting in real deep. If the mood feels right and you’re given consent, rub the head of your cock against the hole and give it a nice tease.

Eating ass can put a lot of strain on your tongue and jaw and sometimes you need a break. This is where you can tag in a sex toy—like a vibrating butt plug or prostate massager—and use it internally, externally or both until you’re ready to dive back in.

If you’re not keen on the taste of butt, use an edible lube (bonus: lube can enhance sensation and allows for easier entry and movement), or offer them booty scrubs in tasty flavors like glazed donut or vanilla latte. When in doubt, spell out the ABC’s with your tongue.

“Oh! And grow a beard,” Diggory adds. “Guys seem to really like the feel of mine against their booty.”

Beyond the hole

A good rimjob doesn’t have to be—and shouldn’t be—limited to the rim area. “Remember that it's a whole ass experience, so use your hands too,” Diggory says. “Grab and massage his butt cheeks, pull them apart so you can get your face in further, kiss and nibble around his cheeks and down the back of his thighs.”

Read the cues

We all experience pleasure differently, so techniques that work for some might not work for others. The most important thing to do is listen to how the recipient is responding, listen for moans and read their body language. Capra says these cues become your compass to do more or less of something.

One thing that never gets old? Enthusiasm. I would argue it is the most important facet as all. As an Instagram friend concludes, “You’re not done until your beard is drenched.”

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Dear Dad

My BF is having a hard time Cumming lately. He says it isn’t me and I’m trying not to take it personal but it’s making me feel insecure. Is there anything I can say or do?

—No Cummies

NC,

To cum or not to cum, that is the predicament. On one hand, I truly do believe that everyone goes through periods where their sexual libido is lower than usual. I myself have had full years where I simply wasn’t in the mood. On the other hand, it sounds like you’re actively having sex and he can’t cum, which is a bird of a different feather.

Some men already have high orgasm thresholds (the length of time it takes to cum) so if/when certain life variables add more to that threshold, it can seem impossible to climax. The first thing to do is see if he can orgasm by himself—usually people with high thresholds find it much easier to produce an orgasm when they’re by themselves. If he can make himself cum, albeit with some sweat and hard work, then you both need to adjust to what is arousing him when he’s by himself and adapt it to your shared sex life.

How does your partner masturbate? Are they watching porn? Thinking of a memory? Using a prostate stimulator? Make sure you get a good sense of his arousal process during his one-on-one time.

Once you get back to the bedroom integrate the ways he arouses himself and allow yourself plenty of time for foreplay. The most exciting part of penetrative sex is right when you/they enter. Whether your partner is a top or a bottom, you’ll want to get them as highly aroused as possible before you start intercourse to ensure they reach climax.

Work with your partner and communicate your needs and you should have them back squirting like a fountain in no time.

My partner of 4 years just told me that he voted for Trump. I’m so horrified. I knew he had some conservative views but I never thought he’d do this. Is it crazy to break up with him?

—Biden’s bottom

BB,

Your partner voted for someone who is actively harming the queer community—that includes you. I don’t like to tell people what to do in such a straightforward “yes” or “no” way, but bb, welcome to singlehood.

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I am 35 years old and have never had a serious relationship, is something wrong with me?

—Party for one

PFO,

Um, no. That’s the first part of my answer. Nothing is wrong with you. There’s no prescriptive formula for how to live a life, and as queer people we definitely don’t have to fall into the antiquated ideology that a romantic relationship equates to success in any way.

Let me ask you something, do you have meaningful friendships? Do you have family members you care about? A romantic partnership can be a beautiful thing, but it is not the only “serious” relationship that there is in the world.

Single people are not pariahs of society that must be kept hidden from the eyes of partnered people and nuclear families. Being single is a valid lifestyle.

I know many people who having dated around find that they’re happiest when they’re single. I also know people who thought they’d be single forever and find a partner in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s.

A partner can be a wonderful addition to a person’s life, and they can be a spawn sent from hell to torture you to your core. It’s all relative. It’s your life. If you end up finding a partner, great. If you’re single, fabulous. No matter what, I know this is true—no one can make you happy—a party for one is all you need.

I just moved to Portland and I haven’t had sex in a couple months and am ready but idk anyone…what should I do?

—Horny and New

HON,

Now, because you’re writing to me I know that you know what the app Grindr is and what it does. So let’s start there. Get on the app, look around your new city, and say hi to people who you’re interested in. I’ve been to Portland and let me tell you, the homosexuals there are on all the apps. Make connections and go on dates (maybe virtual dates for now) and you’ll slowly begin to build a community of friends, friends with benefits, sex partners, romantic partners, and probably a few acquaintances who randomly know how to juggle.  

Now, let’s talk precautions…

No, I’m not going to give you the PrEP talk, I’m referring to COVID-19. We are at a critical point where America is worse off than it was in April. Please be careful. Try meeting someone virtually over FaceTime or Video Chat first, get tested regularly, and follow your state’s safety protocols etc.

Welcome to a special edition of Whorescopes. This Scorpio szn, in honor of the Scorpi-Ho of the zodiac, we’re showing off each zodiac sign’s signature Grindr pick-up line. Oh it’s about to get down right cosmic in here.

Scorpio

Scorpio szn is all about being…direct.

Sagittarius

Playing hard to get is for chumps.

Capricorn

When a Capricorn tells you something, they mean it.

Aquarius

An artist always recognizes a great canvas.

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Pisces

In the game of love, Pisces trust their instincts.

Aries

Great taste sets the ram’s heart aflame.

Taurus

The fastest way to a man’s heart? The anus.

Gemini

The twins have two minds about everything, even their hookups.

Cancer

Deny the sensitive crab and they’ll fall even deeper for you.

Leo

Make sure you pay your respects to the regal lion…or else.

Virgo

Virgo’s turn-ons include: cash, check or credit card.

Libra

Libras love to show their gratitude.

As coronavirus cases began to spike around the world, the number of new OnlyFans creators rose significantly. During an era of furlough and record job insecurity, it’s safe to assume this wasn’t a mere coincidence. In the UK, for instance, the amount of new OnlyFans creators rose by a hefty 42% between March and July alone — whilst in the U.S., the website reported an enormous 75% increase in fresh sign-ups, with over 170,000 new users joining each day at one point, the Huffington Post reports.

For those unfamiliar with the online phenomenon, OnlyFans is a platform on which subscribers pay a monthly subscription fee to access creators’ photos, videos, live streams, and beyond. Despite common misconception, OnlyFans does not specifically exist to host sexual content. However, many creators chose to go down this route, and the results can be very profitable indeed.

But what about the people behind the profile? Well, to gain some behind-the-scenes insight, I spoke to three LGBT creators who signed up to OnlyFans during lockdown about making money, navigating backlash, sexual liberation, and more. These are their stories.

Kieron

After documenting my fitness journey online a couple of years ago, I noticed people on social media were interested in seeing more of me. So, I mulled it over for a while, and after requests to “start an OnlyFans” became more frequent, I just decided to give it a go.

I first began making OnlyFans content as a way to express my sexuality, and even though I had a partner during the early days of lockdown, we decided not to post anything as a couple. Instead, I began to cultivate my ‘boy next door’ brand, with light, playful, and erotic content — and I had a blast. My following has always stayed small, probably because I prefer to keep advertising minimal. And in terms of money, my OnlyFans profit started to cover the costs of my weekly grocery shop, as well as some daily expenses for my partner. I guess we could have switched our marketing heads on and began to think about world domination, but that isn’t essential for me. I’m happy with the balance as it is.

I do plan on continuing with OnlyFans for a while after lockdown. However, I don’t see myself going much further with it. The platform helped me garner income during the pandemic, and so I’m thankful for that. But, for me, it’s not a life goal. It’s just a part of this phase of my life.  

I’m definitely not alone in starting an OnlyFans during lockdown, either. I think part of the reason the platform has become so popular is because people enjoy the allure of being wanted. This is especially the case on social media, where vying for likes and follows is the norm. Of course, there’s always the risk of backlash when you sign up to a website like OnlyFans. However, I haven’t really had any. It’s something I’ll use as an ice-breaker, and a lot of my friends tell me they’re tempted to sign up too. I just think it boils down to expression. Sexual identity is such a large part of us, and we’re drilled into thinking that it’s taboo. Sure, you can see some videos I’ve made, but you can’t fuck me, so are my morals really compromised? In the age we live in now, how is expressing your sexuality anything other than empowering?

I feel like I’ve found out so much more about myself since I’ve started listening and communicating with my sexuality — I recommend it. But for anyone seriously thinking about starting on OnlyFans, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Don’t do it to get back at an ex or to make a bit of cash. I’d say do it because you’re passionate about it, or because you simply want to have fun. And remember to always be comfortable. It’s your body, not anybody else’s.

Anonymous

The feeling of dread I experienced during the early days of lockdown isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. Because of the pandemic, I lost the job I loved, and my decision to join OnlyFans for some emergency income was a quick one. I spend most of my days scrolling through Twitter, and was more than familiar with how profitable sexual content can be. After setting up my first account, I began making money almost immediately. Not a ton, but enough to cover rent costs and the occasional treat.

However, as any creator will tell you, publicly sharing nudes and jerk off videos online comes with great potential for backlash. Sadly for me, this was indeed the case, and when strangers began regularly mocking me online I made the decision to go anonymous. Surprisingly, my anonymous profile became more successful than the previous. Perhaps this was because I wasn’t worried about being too explicit anymore — and soon after I realized my OnlyFans would be longterm. I mean, the pay checks were nice and it was easy work.  

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After a couple of months, things seemed to be on the up. I was making regular income again and began pushing my creative boundaries whilst filming content. Sadly, my own worst case scenario became reality when a family member stumbled upon some of my older, less private videos. In a state of panic, I completely removed myself from the OnlyFans universe and haven’t looked back since. In the past couple of weeks I’ve thankfully managed to fall back into my preferred line of work, but I can’t help but feel a sense of disappointment. I was really starting to take off with new subscribers and felt like I was on the cusp of building my very own online community. I’ve also never felt so liberated, and, although my time on OnlyFans was brief, I’ll always be appreciative of that. Unfortunately for me, the fear of being found out was too much to bare — and I advise anyone with similar reservations to keep this in mind before putting yourself out there.

Tyler Wu

I began posting NSFW content online a few years ago, mainly through live cam shows on platforms such as Chaturbate. While working abroad last year, I met someone who encouraged me to start an OnlyFans so I could reach a bigger audience and I decided to go for it at the beginning of lockdown. Overall, it has been a very positive experience, having found a new outlet in an otherwise difficult time, and I am extremely grateful for the opportunities it has given me.

As with most things in life, you get out of it what you put in. I've seen some treat it as a get rich quick scheme and I think this could be what discourages some people from subscribing. There is a plethora of free porn out there, so paying subscribers rightly expect higher quality content.

Since starting, I've told a few friends about what I'm doing, and they’ve all been super supportive.

I do believe that stigma towards sex workers is decreasing nowadays, especially among the younger generation.

I have also noticed there is very little Asian representation on OnlyFans and the pornography industry in general — and I think the worry of judgement is magnified when you come from a culture where sex is a particularly taboo subject.

And to anyone who perhaps does take issue with OnlyFans should know that it’s real, and often very hard work. Creators are cameraman, producers, editors, marketers, social media managers, among other things. Working hours can quickly add up. My academic background is in business and languages, and these skills have undoubtedly helped, although I continue to learn every day. I would advise anyone wanting to start an OnlyFans to look at their own skillset and identify what can set them apart. I think the most important thing, however, is to take the time to build relationships with your followers and not to take them for granted, these are the people supporting you.

Summer is winding down and if it weren’t for the ever deepening imprint in your couch cushion, how would you even know? Time seems to be at a standstill but that doesn’t mean your grid has to be (COVID precautions first, of course)! Enjoy the latest edition of Grindr Chat, quarantine-style, curated by the hilarious @Zachnoetowers.

Jack Off All Trades

Is furniture slang for sex swing??

Adopt Don’t Shop

I’m into pup play but this is ridiculous.

Rip drag bingo

Ma’am you cannot touch the drag queen’s boobies.

Spill your seed

And let love grow…

The Quarantine 15

Y’all better not glow-up without me!!

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But before 2020—before pandemic and revolution and travel bans—this story starts with an app. Grindr, to be exact, in the fall of 2018.

OR: We lived in the same neighborhood, so we’d seen each other around on the app.
SHOEMAKER: But I was too nervous to say hi first.
OR: Yeah, so I did. And honestly, I led with, “I’m sorry, but your dog stole the show.”

And in dating-app fashion, a first date was immediately on the books.

SHOEMAKER: He had tickets to Disney on Ice because he designed the props in the show.
OR: And I gave him a boner during Aladdin’s scene.
SHOEMAKER: Are we allowed to say boner?
OR: You could say there was a magic lamp for rubbing.
SHOEMAKER: How about just, “It was a whole new world.”

One magic carpet ride later, the couple was engaged in March of 2020, just as the U.S. was preparing to read like a spec script of Contagion.

Prior to their first hellos and long before Miss Rona came knocking, Or and Shoemaker, both queer immigrants to the U.S., had each taken to Grindr during their time in New York to connect with what they both call “a safe community.” It was an easy way for them to make friends, get bar recommendations, and of course, the occasional hookup. “Grindr gave us spaces in which to be ourselves amongst like-minded folx,” says Or. “So then to find each other felt like being found. Being home.”

Little did they know, 2020 was about to put that notion of “home” to the test.

“It was twofold. First, we watched our friends and community in New York struggle day by day with how suffocating quarantine was,” says Shoemaker. “And then the travel bans and border closings happened, and we were suddenly cut-off from our families.” Or was born in Hong Kong, China and raised in Ontario, Canada; Shoemaker was born and raised in Chile, South America.

“With our wedding supposed to be around the corner, we didn’t know if this was even a time to be thinking about ourselves,” says Or. “So we made the decision, if we’re going digital, we’re going to use the platform to show the world something positive. Hope.”

Or and Shoemaker turned to TheHAU5, a Brooklyn production company for artistic collaboration, with a mission to create a backyard, virtual wedding free of prejudice, restrictions, and pandemic that absolutely anyone could attend. Between the grooms and TheHAU5’s Founder and Cultural Strategist, Alexander McMichael (whom Benny had also befriended on Grindr years prior), the three assembled a creative team of LGBTQ+/BIPOC New York artists just as intent on combating COVID-19’s stifling effects. The result: a publicly live-streamed, 3-camera setup dubbed a “Celebration of Love.”

“This live-stream experience was the marriage of collaboration and foundation,” says McMichael. “In the midst of everything that’s happening right now, when you have the capacity to create, you produce magic. We departed from the traditional plug-and-play, and TheHAU5 integrated innovative interactivity to share a story that helped people around the world feel courage, hope, and less alone.”

Sure enough, on August 8, 2020, the world watched. With just a wedding website and a few social media pushes, Or and Shoemaker’s wedding was witnessed by people on every continent, save Antarctica, in countries including Egypt, Kenya, India, Singapore, Taiwan, Honduras, Milan, the Netherlands, Spain, the United Kingdom, Lebanon, and Peru, just to name a few. In all, strangers accounted for 30% of the wedding RSVPs.

“The fact that people around the world RSVP’d is confirmation that they needed examples of family and partnership and community,” says Shoemaker. “We showed the world that hate is based in fear and fear is based in the unknown. When you educate people, it reduces their fear and therefore their hate.”

On U.S. soil unfortunately, this is a lesson in civility and compassion that comes in the midst of the Southern Poverty Law Center’s annual “Year in Hate and Extremism” report. Released at the beginning of 2020, it states “the SPLC documented an increase in the number of [U.S.] white nationalist, anti-LGBTQ and anti-immigrant hate groups.” This, of course, does not take into account the countries in which it is illegal and even punishable by death to be a homosexual.

However, this did not stop attendees from sending messages of gratitude to the newlyweds. One anonymous message reads: “I’m from a country where people are sent to prison for being gay, so watching this gave me so much hope. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, like I’m running a marathon, but I’ll never get a chance to reach the end because there’s a wall I can’t get over, go around, or break. I feel like giving up. But you give me hope to hold on for as long as I can. Thank you.”

“This started with the simple fact that our family couldn’t be here,” says Or. “But with an open invitation, our story had the ability to educate and inspire and change the world. And it did just that. We took no concessions with it. It wasn’t about what we couldn’t do. It was about what we could do.”

In lieu of the traditional wedding registry, the grooms also started a fund to offset their wedding costs, 15% of which was donated to The Trevor Project. “We’ve both had periods in our lives where we didn’t think we would have the opportunity to get married, let alone find love,” says Shoemaker. “Through this ceremony, we hope that we reached out to those still searching for acceptance. The only way to live your life is to believe full-heartedly that the best is yet to come.”

The virtual wedding production was creative directed by Alexander McMichael, and featured a guest performance by Freakquencee and TheHAU5 band, wardrobe design by Patrick Church, ring design by Karen Piu, floral design by Brenton Wolf, makeup by Kevin Cheah, photography by Nir Arieli, and video editing by Stephen Hebert.

Or and Shoemaker still reside in Brooklyn with their two dogs, Logan and Rocko, happily rounding out what they call, “The new American nuclear family.”

Got your own #metongrindr story you’d like to share? TAG US @grindr on instagram.

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Freddy & Nicholas met on Grindr over three years ago. Here’s how Freddy describes their origin story:

I remember watching an episode on manifestation by Oprah and instantly writing down every quality that I’d like in my dream man... fast forward, Boom💥 I’m on Grindr.

“I honestly forgot about the list completely, Nicholas messaged me and it was always casual... although I wasn’t entirely interested at first because it seemed like we wanted different things. We continued talking and he seemed like a genuine human being with a big heart, you could feel his warmth through the phone. Talk about energy—something about Nicholas was just different and hard to pinpoint.

He invited me over for dinner. I was expecting steak and something fancy but walked into beef patties and a baked potato… totally threw me off. But his attention to detail was immaculate— everything tasted so flavorful. After dinner, I was serenaded by the beautiful-sounds of him playing his piano. He was talented and I learned that he’s a classically trained pianist. I was a professional ballet dancer at the time and so his skillset, artistry, and precision blew me away. I later learned that he was autistic, high functioning. I had a cousin with autism but I’ve never been intimately involved with anyone with autism before. Also I worried about what people would think about our age difference (update: it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks). We spoke for hours that night. In that instant, I knew my heart was his.

Everything moved rather quickly after that. About a month later, I moved in.”

We both had so much learning about each other to do—toxic cycles to unpack and unlearn, love languages to understand. However three and half years later I couldn’t be more sure that he’s my guy. He’s literally everything I could have asked for and more.

Got your own #metongrindr story you’d like to share? Send your story to @grindr on instagram.

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There’s nothing quite like summertime: beach days, speedos, hot dogs, popsicles, and plenty of afternoon delight. Or, in the case of this particular summer: buying stamps, wearing a variety of masks, sweating in 108 degree heat, and navigating your sex life in the middle of a pandemic. Godspeed, babes.

Thanks to @Zachnoetowers for curating these thrilling conversations from queer quarantined life.

Can’t teach a dog new tricks

Pavlov definitely didn’t have this in mind.

Winnie the top

Looking for: 🍯

My “so-called” life

I haven’t had basement sex in years…

Rumor has it

The gossip mill is at it again!

Handy man

I can’t even put together my life, let alone a shelf.

Herd immunity

Ménage-à-covid?

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