Grindr is not real life. That’s why we love it: it’s a safe space where you can be your authentically horny self, and go from zero to naked in 60 seconds.

That’s why it can be jarring when a familiar face from your regular, pants-on, grocery-shopping, church-going life pops up on your grid. 

Is it an opportunity, or a trap? Does an IRL crush’s presence on Grindr give you free rein to make sexual advances, or does your prior relationship mean you have to tread carefully? 

Let’s break down the etiquette of hitting up someone on Grindr that you actually know… and it all depends on how well you know them.

A near stranger

These are your acquaintances. The guys you say hi to at parties with no follow-up questions. The cute baristas who have memorized your order but not your name. The owners of the dogs your dog plays with at the park.

The move: Go for it! This is what Grindr was made for: checking if the cute cashier giving you eyes was all in your head, or if in an hour he’s going to be giving you head. There’s basically zero risk here. If anything, you have a built-in conversation starter—”didn’t I just see you at XYZ?” (Pro tip: only do this if you’re fairly sure they noticed you too; otherwise, it veers into “I was watching you from the shadows” energy.) 

Shoot your shot, and if they’re not into it, who cares? At worst, those few annual pleasantries get a shade more awkward

A member of your non-social network

Here’s where it gets trickier. We’re talking about a co-worker you see every day. A close friend of a close friend. A gym crush, but the kind who’s actually learned your name and sits two mats over at yoga. Anyone with whom you don’t share a close social rapport, but with whom you do share enough facetime that there’s something at stake. 

I have learned the hard way that this doesn’t always go well. I once hit up a co-worker in a weak (read: drunk) moment, and received a message back telling me it was inappropriate—that, on Grindr, we should just pretend not to see each other. Which is exactly what we did at the office for months following. Eek.

Honestly, these are relationships that play out best offline, where a crush can either bloom or fizzle without digital weirdness (in the 90s, they called this “meeting someone.”). Still, if you can’t shake the curiosity and need a low-risk signal…

The move: …why not start with a humble tap? 

What’s great about a tap is that it communicates interest clearly, while still providing some plausible deniability. You didn’t say anything. There’s no gossip to relay to a group chat, or line to echo in their head every time you two go into savasana side by side.

If they tap back, great, you’re in. But if not, you can both easily pretend it never happened. Who knows—you might have pressed the button by accident!

A friend (or worse)

This is the danger zone: a friend you’ve been crushing on for years, or worse, an ex you’re still pining for. The internet makes it all too easy to act on an impulse without considering the consequences. And before you know it, you’ve said something in neon gold you never would have in person.

The move: Rely on the prior relationship. If you’ve already crossed that line—and both of you are still game—sure, go ahead. Send a “u up” through Grindr—it’s faster than digging through your contacts to figure out which one labeled “DO NOT TEXT” is the ex you want.

But if you’re confessing your attraction for the very first time… this might not be the right medium. The fact that it’s so easy also makes it feel a bit flippant, and doesn’t leave room for the nuanced response this significant shift in the tenor of your relationship might call for.  

If you really can’t help yourself, at least split the difference—be cheeky and vague, send a “funny seeing you here!” It may not be advisable, but you’re allowed to shoot your shot… as long as you remember the one rule. 

The 1 rule

With an IRL, you get one chance. One.

I once had a friend who, shortly after a breakup, started tapping me literally as often as the app allowed. Despite seeing him in group settings weekly, every 24 hours like clockwork, he’d shoot me a fire emoji. I gave him some grace for going through a tough time, but eventually I was forced to block someone online I was regularly brunching with. It permanently changed the way I viewed him, and our relationship got a little colder. 

The thing is, the first time I was flattered—as most guys would be. It only got uncomfortable when he didn’t take my no answer for an answer. To loosely quote Hillary Clinton (or was it Maya Angelou?), when someone shows you they don’t want to fuck you, believe them the first time.

So, is it weird to message your IRLs on Grindr? Only if you make it weird. Give it one go, and if it doesn’t work out, keep scrolling through your thousands of other options. That’s what hot strangers are for.

Grindr is becoming an AI-first company. That means a faster, smarter, more personalized app that helps you connect with less effort and makes every conversation count.

We’re building this future with gAI™ (pronounced “gay-eye”), our proprietary AI technology designed around the unique needs, context, and culture of our community.

Our first AI-powered product, A-List, is already proving what this future can look like on Grindr. Powered by gAI, it helps our most engaged users cut through the noise by surfacing their most relevant chats and giving quick summaries so they can pick up right where they left off. Early feedback has called it our “best new feature,” and it’s only the beginning. 

In building these new features, we want to make sure you both know how they work and have control over whether and how they use your data. That’s why we’ve updated our Privacy Policy to share where AI will be used in the app, what information powers it (and what doesn’t), and the choices you can make about your data.

Beyond our Privacy Policy, as we roll out new AI features we’re also providing more plain-language notices and explanations, as well as new user controls over how your data is used. Your privacy isn’t an afterthought. It’s core to how we build Grindr.

The Key Points:

• Simple explanations of when, where, and how the Grindr app uses AI. This includes powering features like A-List’s chat summaries, reconnection reminders, and personalized recommendations.
• Opt out of AI-powered features at any time. Open the side drawer, tap Safety & Privacy Center > Privacy > Privacy Settings and then make your selections in “AI Technology Controls.”
• Control how your messages are used. If AI features are enabled, your messages may be processed to deliver summaries or prompts. They are not used to train AI unless you’ve explicitly opted in.
• Benefits for subscribers and free users. Most AI-powered features are available directly to subscribers, but free users may benefit through improved visibility and/or smarter connection opportunities.
  
  

What Stays the Same:

• Sensitive health data is off limits. We never use sensitive health-related data such as HIV status, vaccine info, or poz tags for AI, advertising, or Grindr marketing.
• Opt-in for training models. We will only use your sensitive personal information (sexual preferences, chat data, or certain tags/tribes) for AI training if you give us your explicit, separate permission. Open the side drawer, tap Safety & Privacy Center > Privacy > Privacy Settings and then make your selections in “AI Technology Controls”.
• Trusted partners, strict rules. When we work with external AI providers, they are bound by data processing agreements that strictly limit how information can be used. These agreements ensure providers act only on our instructions, apply strong safeguards, and do not repurpose your information for their own purposes.‍
• You’re in control. If you opt out of AI training, your data will no longer be used for this purpose from that point forward. To learn more about deleting your historical data, you can submit a request through our Privacy Center.
  

What You Can Expect from Us:

As we introduce new AI features, we’ll continue updating our policies. What won’t change are our values:

• Transparency: clear, jargon-free explanations of how things work. 
• Safety: keeping your information secure with industry-leading safeguards. 
• Control: giving you meaningful choices about how your data is used. 

Grindr is the Global Gayborhood in Your Pocket^TM, and we’re expanding the app to be more useful and responsive to how people actually connect. Through our success, we aim to make a world where LGBTQ+ lives globally are free, equal, and just.

You can read the full Privacy Policy and manage your AI preferences in Settings.

We’re giving Xtina the keys, because from one gay icon to another, the famous Grindr bloop deserves nothing less. From September 15-22, we’re changing the Grindr bloop to Christina Aguilera’s beloved track, "Come On Over Baby (All I Want is You)." to give your Grindr DMs a Grammy-winning upgrade.

We know the bloop is sacred. That’s why we’re only letting one of pop’s greatest diva’s mess with it—because there ain’t no other man, woman, or app sound that could do it better.

Xtina, who headlines Portola Festival presented by Goldenvoice in San Francisco on September 20, couldn’t resist the match-up. 

“Portola, Grindr and me? That’s a threesome I can get behind,” she said. “When that ‘Come on Over’ sound hits at the festival, or wherever you’re celebrating, I hope things get spicy!” 

Here at Grindr, we figured anyone who’s been telling men to come on over since 2000—and still knows how to keep things a little Dirrty—deserves control of your notifications.

The sound swap is automatic for US users with notifications on. Silent mode crew, this is your sign to turn the volume up. Just this once.

Making sure you're set:

1. Tap your profile photo.
2. Go to Settings.
3. Select Notifications.
4. Make sure the Sound toggle is on.

After September 22, the bloop returns. Until then, let Xtina handle your intros—she knows what a gay wants from a first impression.

Watch the teaser here on YouTube Shorts.

Note: To hear the new 'bloop' in your app, make sure you are updated to the latest version of Grindr (Version 25.15.10).

This World Sexual Health Day (September 4th), we’re spotlighting Grindr profile features—like health-related fields, testing reminders, and search filters—that help you share your sexual health practices openly and connect with partners who do the same. Because when everyone’s on the same page, everyone has more fun. 

Why Sexual Health Transparency Matters

Being upfront about your health practices is sexy. It shows you value yourself and your partners. When you share your HIV status, PrEP use, or testing dates, you're creating space for trust and reducing anxiety around those first conversations. You're also helping fight stigma by normalizing these discussions across our community and making it easier for everyone to prioritize their health.

Sexual Health Tools at Your Fingertips

We believe in reducing stigma and facilitating conversations so users can make informed decisions around their health. Grindr makes it easy to share your sexual health practices directly in your profile. Under Edit Profile → Health, you’ll find fields for:

• HIV Status 
• Last Tested Date for HIV (if you want, Grindr can use your last tested date to send you periodic reminders to get retested)
• Sexual Health Practices:
  
  • Condoms
  • I’m on DoxyPEP
  • I’m on PrEP
  • I’m HIV undetectable
  • Prefer to discuss
• Vaccinations for COVID-19, mpox, and meningitis

Note: Every field is optional. You control what you share and can update your information anytime. Your health data stays within your profile—we never share it beyond what you choose to display. Grindr also never shares your health information with any advertisers or third-party services. Additionally, we never use health information for our AI training or AI-powered features. 

Filters Profiles by Health Practices

For the first time, you can now filter profiles by Health Practices. At the same time, completing the Health Practices section on your own profile makes it easier for like-minded people to find you. It’s a simple way to connect with partners who share not only your interests, but also your approach to health and care.

Resources When You Need Them

Need more information? The app's side drawer contains our Sexual Health FAQs and links to our Safety & Privacy Center and other trusted health resources. 

Grindr for Equality, our social impact initiative, partners with organizations worldwide to make sexual health information and services like this more accessible directly through the app.

Take Action Today

This World Sexual Health Day, take five minutes to review and update your health information in your profile. Choose what feels comfortable to share—even small steps toward openness help build a culture where sexual health is simply part of how we connect.

We understand that stigma and access barriers exist differently across communities. Share what feels safe for you, knowing that each person who adds their health information makes these conversations a little easier for everyone else.

Because better communication leads to better connections—and better sex.

In case you missed it: in a now-deleted TikTok, two gay lifestyle influencers announced the dissolution of their 12-year relationship, and the apparent mismatch in their moods sparked days of widespread jokes and speculation about who dumped whom and why.

While we genuinely feel for anyone navigating a public breakup, the spectacle got us thinking: why did a couple with an impressive following—but not exactly Brad and Jennifer levels of fame—feel they owed the internet a joint announcement in the first place? Was there any way this could have gone well?

After a deep dive into dozens of similar videos—most of which are called "we broke up" with varying levels of caps lock—we've noticed a pattern. Break-up reveal videos rarely land the way anyone hopes. 

Why the format feels uncanny

We all know that all lifestyle content, especially when centered around a seemingly perfect relationship, is performative. Not in a bad way, but it’s literally catered to be watched by an audience. 

The best of them feel real enough to suspend your disbelief: a “get ready with me” video can seem like a peek into a couple’s morning; a direct-to-camera address can feel like chatting with a bestie, even if you can’t talk back.

But a joint break-up video just doesn’t map to any real-life scenario. In the offline world, exes share that news with friends and family privately, personally, and typically separately. 

So right away it’s uncanny: why is this couple explaining they’re no longer together… together? 

That mismatch can create a sense of awkwardness. That’s why we get sing-songy declarations (see: “we are getting divorced!”) or couples inventing new corporate jargon to explain they will now be  “moving through the world unromantically,” 

It feels staged at a moment that really calls for space. Breakups are something we all go through, and usually they’re private, even when messy. Watching them turned into content can feel like peeking at something we shouldn’t. 

The impossible balance

But you can also see the bind for creators, too. What are they supposed to do—ignore the speculation? Address it? Either choice leaves them exposed. That tension is exactly what makes these videos feel impossible to win.

And often, creators explain that the trappings and pressures of internet fame made it harder to be themselves. They made careers out of broadcasting every part of their lives to their followers, so when it ends, the silence feels just as performative as the announcement. 

That’s the impossible balance at the heart of these videos: the more they try to close the loop for their audience, the more it risks pulling them deeper into the spectacle. 

They're messy

These videos carry uneasy, sometimes contradictory notes. But, as the fist-bumpers proved, it’s the bits of seeming reality sprinkled in that cause the real trouble.

Because as manufactured as social media may be, it’s still created by real people in real pain. And while no one knows what they’re truly going through, the internet will inevitably seize on any available hint to piece the story together.

In practice, these videos that are framed as a departure from your regularly scheduled programming become just another genre of content. Heartbreak turns into meme fodder, while offhand lines like “we both grew apart, but I guess he grew apart from me faster than I grew apart from him” stick forever in your brain.

It’s understandable why creators feel they owe something to their supporters. But the best move here is to keep it simple: as much as fans care, they also know it’s all a performance, and that real life is messy. They don’t need mom and dad (or dad and dad or mom and mom) to sit down and spell it out.

In the end, maybe the only thing more awkward than watching two people break up online is realizing the internet has become part of the relationship itself. And like most third wheels, it doesn’t make the split any easier.

The English language gives us thousands of ways to start a conversation, and almost none of them involve revealing your genitals. And yet… a certain subset of guys online seems to have decided the most effective way to say hello is with a nude photo.

These men are committed to putting their best penis forward, despite broad consensus from the rest of the world that nobody likes a surprise dick pic.

So why do they do it? Is it a compulsion they can’t control? Their genuine best strategy for breaking the ice? Or just plain old exhibitionism? I wanted to understand what these cyber-flashers were thinking, so instead of blocking them on sight, I did the only thing I could: I asked.

The digital dark room

 You heard that right. For years now, I've responded to any anonymous nudes I receive with some version of: Why did you send that? 

(Ironically, the question usually gets me blocked. It seems the only thing worse than a surprise dick pic is surprise self-reflection.)

Most recently, I was browsing the grid when a guy sent me zero words and ten identical photos of his ass. When I asked what was behind this decision, he said there was no point in starting a conversation without establishing a baseline attraction. I didn’t disagree in theory, but I asked: why not establish that attraction with a photo of your face? 

He sent back a photo from his business school graduation, and told me he used to always send face pics first. But people kept asking for nudes, and often the conversation would dishearteningly fizzle out as soon as he sent them. Eventually, he decided it was best to start with nudes—give the people what they want!—and then see if there was any conversation left to be had.

You could sense a weariness in the way he explained this. Despite optically ambushing me with almost a dozen unsolicited photos of his body, he didn't see himself as a sexual aggressor. He saw himself as a victim, following the rules of a game someone else invented.

Most answers I’ve received boil down to this kind of pragmatism. “We're all on here to hook up, so we might as well cut to the chase." Guys who explain it this way are often bewildered when I won't immediately send nudes back. As one lovely gentleman put it just before blocking me: "How am I gonna eat at a restaurant if I can't see what's on the menu?"

Others have discovered, for one reason or another, they have a higher success rate with their body than with their face. Several guys suggested that some people who wouldn't give them the time of day based on a LinkedIn-friendly profile pic are suddenly eager to chat after seeing their dick. If they'd waited for permission to send XX pics, they would never have gotten the conversation going in the first place. And then there are the super DL senders—the ones who are only willing to provide pictures of their bodies, and hope that’s enough to entice you.

What I noticed again and again in these conversations is that the senders frequently were under the impression that everyone was opening with nudes—while that hasn’t been my experience on Grindr at all. I’ve had many chats, and many dates, come together without a single shared album. 

The ho-cial contract

It got me thinking about another gay phenomenon I’ve experienced.

Once, on a work Zoom, I was introduced to a clearly gay executive. We gave each other the briefest of nods—an acknowledgement of our shared culture—and then nodded our way through a pointless meeting. Later that day, he followed me on Instagram—fine, normal—and then a green circle appeared, revealing he had added me to his Close Friends. And that he had spent his afternoon baking in the nude.

One hour earlier, we'd exchanged polite hellos with our bosses on the line. Now, the only thing blocking his full penis from view was a blueberry muffin.

I didn't ask him why he did it—after all, we had a (lol) professional relationship to preserve. But I did wonder: in his mind, was my being gay and online enough to act as de facto consent to seeing this kind of content?

Other people who post this kind of stuff to Close Friends have told me about their thinking, and their answers are pretty close to what the ass-first MBA guy told me: they saw themselves as following a norm that others had established. They were doing it because that’s just what gay guys do.

The perception gap

That’s the weird thing about online spaces: we all imagine them differently. In real life, we're used to a venue and a crowd setting the tone. Whether you're at a warehouse party or a library, your behavior will likely match those around you.

Online, it feels like you're in a crowd. You're seeing a ton of faces side-by-side as you scroll, but you're usually only interacting in private conversations, with no window into what anyone else is experiencing. It's easy to assume your experience is universal even when it’s not.

I don’t think most people sending nudes first, especially on an app like Grindr, are trying to be overly aggressive. But for many, Grindr is a digital dark room where your mere presence is implied consent to see whatever anyone wants to share. And some assume that if you're in the gay community at all, you're sexually driven in such a way that nudes won't offend you, be them on Grindr, Instagram, or Pinterest.

That’s what’s great about the internet: we can find our people and make it whatever we want it to be. But that’s also why it’s so important to confirm your recipient is on the same page before exposing yourself to them. Even if you’re a nudes-first kinda guy, make your dick your second message—and a fair warning your first.

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When we launched Right Now, we wanted to make in-the-moment meetups simpler. You’re horny. You’re bored. You’re fresh out of the gym. You’ve got 40 minutes before dinner. Right Now helps you skip the scroll, post what you’re into, and connect with people who are ready— Right Now.

It worked. You got on board. You made it hot.

But we wanted to go further. Or actually—closer.

Introducing Live View in Right Now

Starting today, you can see who’s posting in Right Now—and where they are. Instead of only browsing the feed, you’ll now have the option to explore a live map of guys nearby who are down right now.

You’ll see Right Now users’ profiles placed on the map in real-time. Once you tap their profiles, you’ll see their Right Now post—what they’re looking for, if they’re hosting or travelling. Tap around. Zoom in. Check who’s a few blocks away or just around the corner. It’s everything you love about Right Now, but now with something a little more visually appealing.

Built for Immediacy. Designed for Control.

Just like the original Right Now feed, the Right Now map is designed for speed. The map updates in real time, showing who’s available and where (note: your location is an approximation), so you can meet faster and with zero confusion.

Don’t want to show up on the map? No problem. You can keep using Right Now the way you always have.

Safety First

You’re in control. You can choose to appear on the map or keep using Right Now without map visibility. If you opt in, your location is shown as an approximate area, not an exact address. You can set how much it’s offset within a range you select for added privacy and safety, and you can change or turn this off at any time.

Where It’s Available

We’re rolling out Map View to select cities first: Chicago, Washington, DC, Anchorage, Berlin, Oslo, Singapore, São Luís (Brazil). If you’re in one of these places and have the latest version of the app (25.13 or higher), open the Right Now feed and tap the map toggle to explore. More cities are coming soon.

Get On. Get Seen. Get Off.

Right Now has always been about making things easier for you, your time, and your body count. It all just got faster with the new map 

So go ahead. Check out Right Now, tap the map, and hook up ASAP.

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At Grindr, we believe that all love deserves dignity and recognition. That includes the right to marry the person you love.

Fighting for marriage equality isn’t something we’ve ever had to workshop. From our earliest days, we’ve stood for connection, freedom, and self-determination for LGBTQ+ people worldwide. Our platform exists to serve our global community whose relationships, families, and futures deserve full legal recognition. This commitment is reflected not just in our product, but in our partnerships, advocacy, values, and mission. 

Through Grindr for Equality, we’ve supported major wins like the legalization of same-sex marriage in Thailand and the advancement of civil union rights in Czechia. That support takes different forms: financial backing, safety tools, and using our platform to amplify the people doing the work on the ground.

This work is part of our broader mission to help create a world where LGBTQ+ lives are free, equal, and just. Building the Global Gayborhood in Your Pocket means more than just helping people connect. It means making sure our community is protected, respected, and empowered. That belief has guided us since day one. It still does.

Marriage equality is a fundamental human right that every LGBTQ+ person deserves and one that Grindr will always fight for worldwide. That commitment remains unchanged. A message from our CEO, George Arison, reiterating our position can be found here. 

There is no place for hate on Grindr. 

Per our Community Guidelines, discriminatory language, hate speech, abusive statements, and exclusionary “no” statements – including those targeting race, ethnicity, religion, nationality, gender identity, or other protected characteristics – don’t belong on Grindr. 

Instead, we encourage people on Grindr to express their desires in a positive way by stating what they are looking for.

More than a year ago, in response to a rise in user escalations, we temporarily introduced an additional layer of moderation at the profile level to more proactively address inflammatory content – in this case, the phrase “No Zionists.” 

We recently removed that technical block, but our policies remain the same: discriminatory or exclusionary content has no place on Grindr, and we apply this policy consistently across all profiles and user chats. 

We rely on our community to help uphold these values. If users see a profile that violates our guidelines, we ask them to flag it in the app. Our moderation team reviews flags and takes appropriate action.

Read more on how Grindr moderates content and profiles here. 

Until now, Grindr’s original content—videos, editorials, music drops, and more—lived off-platform. You’d tap a link in your inbox, get routed to a browser, and maybe come back, maybe not. It worked, but it wasn’t seamless, and it wasn’t built for how people actually use the app.

Grindr Presents fixes that.

What It Is

Grindr Presents is a new in-app content hub for curated gay content from Grindr. From entertainment to editorials to exclusive drops, everything lives inside the app now—no extra tabs, no platform jumping.

The best part? Grindr Presents is the only place to watch uncensored versions of series like Who’s the Asshole. These are the cuts you won’t find on Instagram or YouTube. Longer, sharper, and exactly how they were meant to be seen…and heard.

Why You’ll Love It

• Culture Without the Click-Away: All your favorite Grindr-produced content now lives inside Grindr.
• More Reasons to Open the App: Uncensored content, editorial pieces, and more will keep things fresh and give you more reasons to check in daily.
• Uncensored: Grindr Presents is the only place where you can find fully uncut versions of our content.

How to Get Started

1. Open the Grindr app.
2. Tap the side tray.
3. Enter Grindr Presents and start exploring.

We didn’t build this just to be cute (though it is). Grindr Presents is part of a bigger shift: making Grindr not just where the gays are, but where the culture is. So go ahead. Tap in. Stay a while.

It’s all happening inside Grindr.

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After eons of disappointing dates, you finally, finally meet someone who checks all your boxes. You’re flirting, marveling at your easy chemistry (and his magnificent dimples). And just as you’re wondering where he’s been hiding all this time, you get your answer: in Cleveland. Or Austin. Or Rome. 

Because he’s only visiting.

Ughhh. Of course. Your new boyfriend lives hundreds of miles away. You ask yourself if it’s even worth going on the date you just arranged, before definitely going on the date. 24 to 48 hours later, you two have fallen madly in love… just in time for his sled ride back to Antarctica. 

Other times, you’re the exotic specimen who has to disappoint someone else. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re hosting or traveling. There’s something undeniably magical—and tragic—about an out-of-town romance. It leaves you breathless, and then leaves you questioning why you never meet guys like that who live in your zip code. But would you be better off dating in another city? Is love really waiting just a plane ride away, or is it all an illusion?

Why it might be a mirage

Before one or two wonderful dates with men from New York, LA, or Birmingham convince you to pack your bags and break your lease, consider that your long-distance love story may not be all it appears to be. It’s possible that what is so amazing about vacation romances is that they’re short.

You know the number one cause of death for promising new relationships? Second dates.

How many times have you told your friends you’ve met your husband, only for it to fizzle out a few weeks later? (Side note: any married person who brags about instantly knowing they would end up with their spouse should be forced to disclose how many times they thought that incorrectly about someone else first.) 

When your burgeoning romance is cut short by a flight home, it never has to be tested. It’s a trailer for a relationship that will never hit theaters, and thus will never have to be rated Fresh or Rotten.

For years, there was a guy I thought I’d be dating, if only we lived on the same coast. When I finally did hop coasts, we immediately got together… for one mediocre date. The fantasy man, it turns out, was a lot more charming (and a lot less into pickleball) than the real one. 

There’s also a risk, when you’re the one traveling, of associating all the positive feelings and things you like about a place with the person who lives there. Your Parisian paramour may have shown you the Venus de Milo, but he didn’t sculpt it.

Why it might be real

But that doesn’t mean the connection is all in your head. There might be a legit explanation for this phenomenon—a reason why residents and visitors click at a deeper level than two fellow townies. 

Travel inherently opens you up to new experiences. Exploring somewhere new makes you, or the guy that’s visiting you, unusually open-minded—totally along for the ride. And coming from separate worlds means you get to meet each other free of context, with few pre-conceived notions (or IG mutuals).

Travel makes you fully present, which makes it the perfect time to let someone new into your life.

And as disappointing as it can be to find out you two may not have a future, knowing this is all you get further opens you up to the moment. You put your concerns and calculations about practical compatibility on hold, and risk a little more intimacy, knowing you have nothing to lose. You make the effort to see them as much as possible in their limited time.

There’s a lesson to be taken away here. It’s not about the geography; it’s about the energy. Next time you’re having a beautiful tryst with a foreign stranger, hold onto that feeling of opening yourself up to one wonderful night or weekend… and then try to bring it to your next date with someone from your own town.

Show the same enthusiasm and willingness for a romantic adventure. Focus on being open-minded, present, and excited… even if you know they’ll still be there tomorrow.

Why it might be a good thing?

In the meantime, before you spend too much time mourning what could have been, take a moment to appreciate what is.

Not that long ago, the gay lifestyle involved a lot of secrecy and subterfuge. The changing world and advent of dating apps means we’ve gone from meeting in the shadows to connecting across the globe. 

I say lean into these city-crossed romances. Put yourself on the grid in Rio while you’re still planning your trip in Jersey, and find someone to share your life with… for as long as you’re going to share a time zone. 

You may not get a husband out of these encounters, but you also won’t get another ex crowding up your city, another face to politely greet at the same three bars every weekend for the rest of eternity. 

Instead, you’ll have a would-be lover who will harbor an unrealistically romanticized portrait of you, just as you will for them. You’ll have a familiar, chiseled face to call on whenever you visit their neck of the woods. And—unless you made some sort of Before Sunrise-esque pact not to exchange contact info—you’ll have someone to chat with, flirt with, and exchange *tasteful* photos with online for years to come.

And you never know! If you do keep the connection going past baggage claim, what starts as a layover may one day become your final destination.

Romance is all about timing.

A good time to meet your future husband: at least a year out from your last relationship, on a crisp November evening, at a candlelit wine bar.

A bad time: the first day of summer. Ten minutes into a night at the club. The day before your vacation to Fire Island (or P-town, or any destination of equal or greater gayness). In other words, the exact moment you’ve decided you’re in desperate need of a slut phase.

But that’s when it always seems to happen. Right when you’re primed to do anything but date, you encounter the rare genuinely dateable man. So what do you do? Risk your budding connection by continuing to play the field? Or abandon your slut phase before it even starts?

Too hot to handle

Pride party tickets that sell out in March and your most neurotic friend’s vacation spreadsheets both confirm: just because something is fun doesn’t mean it’s spontaneous. Having a good time sometimes requires preparation—logistically and emotionally.

Often, we go into a party, weekend, or season primed with a very specific vision of how it will go. And it can be jarring when that vision is interrupted—say, by a handsome stranger with a 401(k). 

The arrival of a perfect man when you were only expecting to mack on perfect strangers might leave you conflicted. Because you do want to find a partner… but not right now. Not in the ticket line for Whorebox Miami (or whatever).

Before deciding whether to keep your shirt on and get to know your eligible bachelor, it’s important to ask why your slut phase felt necessary in the first place. Was it just because you’d heard amazing things about this party? Because summer made you feel a certain type-a way? Or was it because you genuinely needed it—say, to rebuild confidence after a hard breakup?

If you’re a girl who just wants to have fun, read on. But if you were planning to fuck around because it’s all you can handle right now, you should probably honor that impulse. Demonstrate interest in the guy, while making it clear you’re not in a place to date just yet. Then begin your gorgeous, restorative, sticky healing journey.

Let’s make a deal

If there’s no deeper reason for your hoe season, however, it becomes a simple matter of priorities.

One summer in my early 20s, I was all geared up for LA Pride when my friend introduced me to a transplant joining our group for the weekend. He was perfect marriage material: handsome, funny, successful, and new to the city (read: he hadn’t already slept with all my friends yet). But… it was also 4pm on the Friday of Pride weekend. 

We made a date for Monday night. And that’s when the dilemma set in: what should we do until then? We were about to be in each other’s orbit for 48 hours, during which there’d be lots of flirting, dancing, and kissing. Were we still free to participate? 

Meeting the man of your dreams and then watching him put his tongue in other people’s mouths for two days didn’t exactly scream “meet-cute.” But I also didn’t want to be held back by someone I didn’t even know yet. That’s the problem: we all want to have our fun, but we also kinda want to believe our romantic prospects only have eyes for us.

I ended up bringing it up with him directly. We agreed that despite our obvious connection, we’d both prefer to live our best lives that weekend, do whatever we wanted with whomever we wanted, then meet on Monday to start fresh, and chalk it all up to the Gay Lifestyle™. 

In my mind, this was a mature-ish solution to what was, at heart, a scheduling issue. But in retrospect, it was also pretty clear evidence that the most important thing to both of us at that point in our lives was having fun. 

We both knew we were risking something—after all, there was a chance either of us could meet someone “better” before Monday rolled around. But we figured we could afford to leave true love on hold for a few days. 

…or no deal

I wouldn’t make that deal again today. Not because it went poorly—we indeed stuck to our plan and went on the date. (We didn’t get married, but in classic gay fashion, he’s now one of my closest friends.) 

But because I’ve since seen how a little delayed gratification can go a long way.

Years later, a friend of mine was in a similar situation. We’d spent six months planning a Eurotrip with some major gay hotspots. Two weeks before takeoff, he went on a handful of dates with a seemingly perfect guy. They hadn’t even discussed being exclusive yet, but my friend felt strongly enough to abstain from any fun (in the hookup sense, not the general vacation sense) for the duration of the trip, saving all his energy and attraction for Mr. Right.

Today, they’re married.

I’m not suggesting I’d have married my Pride guy if we hadn’t taken our vow of infidelity. But sometimes, you have to make room for the unexpected. 

Romance is about timing, yes, but timing isn’t some force beyond our control. It’s a choice: to be ready for connection when it comes, not just when it’s convenient. Giving a new connection a real shot might mean cancelling your wild weekend, or even your whole slut summer. But if you see the potential for something real, I say: make the timing work… even if it means you don’t have the immediate time of your life.