The following interview was conducted by pop-culture poster boy, freelance blogger and executive editor of Gunpowder & Gold Alexander Mayfair. It originally appeared on Washington, D.C.-based online magazine Outrage DC.
I plant a big kiss on each of my girlfriends’ cheeks and head out the door.
“Don’t forget to call us after the interview, we’ll be having margaritas!”
I make a quick pit stop at home, change clothes, and glaze my hair with another coat of hairspray. As I walk out the door on my way to Starbucks, I realize that I’m actually going to be on time; surprising, I know — most of all to me. Drink of choice on a hot summer day: A venti iced coffee with three packets of Splenda — refreshing and slightly cancer-inducing, just as I like it.
While in line, I spot this week’s Grindrphile, K, and plop myself right down at his table.
“Hey! So nice to finally meet you, K!”
Before he even makes a sound, his face speaks volumes. F*ck. This is not K. I quickly mumble something I can’t even understand and move as far away as possible. By the time Real K shows up, Random has made his awkward exit, and I am feeling incredibly relieved. We chit-chat for a couple minutes and then dive right into the interview.
Alexander: Imagine you’re driving an expensive, fast car. What song would be playing?
K: The song that I’m rocking out to for the summer is by Icona Pop. It’s called “I Love It.” It’s a stupid pop song, but it’s really really fun. The lyrics go, “I crashed my car into a bridge/ I don’t care.” Not that I want to do that or anything! It’s the song of the summer and nobody knows it yet.
Alexander: I think Carly Rae has claimed that one, unfortunately. Let’s move to the dance floor. If you were drunk, whose choreography would you emulate?
K: Well, I’m a real intense dancer, for sure. I can dance for hours, even without drinking. I don’t know that I’m influenced by any choreographer in particular, but I have to say my nickname amongst some of my friends is Goldfish because of the way that I dance.
K: They say my dancing is inspired by a goldfish. You know, kind of like flailing as if it’s out of the water and about to die.
Alexander: [Spits coffee, laughing] Goldish aside, let’s talk the mens. What’s a non-obvious end to the perfect date?
K: To preface this, I am actually a closeted lesbian. I’m definitely a “second date is a U-Haul” kind of person, so the non-obvious end to a perfect date is simply that it doesn’t end. Like, it’s a year and a half later and we still haven’t left each other’s side! [laughing]
Alexander: Wow! You are a lesbian!
K: I know, it’s serious. I’m working on it.
Alexander: Moving from the best to the worst… Describe your most awkward first date in detail.
K: I left [D.C. bar] Green Lantern with a friend, and as we turn to walk out of the alley onto Massachusetts Ave., there was a girl that ended up being right behind us. For whatever reason, she flipped out! It’s a 3 a.m. type of moment, and she’s screaming things at us like, “Why would you walk in front of me? Oh, and now you’re walking all slow!” It got way more homophobic and awkward. Eventually she walked away.
Less than a week later, I went on a first date at Raku, where the tables are super close together. We’re seated, and not five minutes later, guess who sits down right next to me? Sidewalk girl! Also obviously on an awkward first date, by the way. She definitely recognized me, and we exchanged “the look.” It’s impossible not to hear the conversation of people sitting next to you, so we ended up listening to each other’s painfully awkward first dates. It was tragic.
Alexander: You’ve just been elected president. Which state most deserves to be sold?
K: [without hesitation] I am going to go with Wyoming because first of all, it’s where Dick Cheney is from. Second of all, it’s a super-homophobic state. Let’s not forget Matthew Shepard. Third of all, they have less people than Washington, D.C., and they get two senators, and that pisses me off! Over it! Sold to Canada.
Alexander: If you could read anyone, how would you read them?
K: Reading someone, as in “Reading is fundamental”?
K: I don’t know because I don’t actually like reading people like that. I guess I would do it in a really subtle way, like, disguised as a compliment.
Alexander: So five minutes after you said it, it would sneak up and hit them.
K: Yes, exactly! I’m really opposed to open confrontation. I’m into the subtle read.
Alexander: If you were internationally famous, what would you be known for?
K: This is going to sound weird, but if I were going to be internationally famous, I would want it to be because something had happened to me. Something that had resulted in a court case which had gone in front of some international human rights court and that resulted in some sort of better standing for the LGBT community.
Alexander: So you’d want to be the victim of a hate crime?!
K: Well, if I had to be known for something, that’s what I’d want it to be. I’d want to be known for standing up for myself in that specific context. In my job, I actually work in international development, and part of my focus is on LGBT issues. It’s something I’m really passionate about, so that would have to be my answer.
Alexander: Impressive. Now, earlier you told me you couldn’t think of the nicest thing that anyone had ever said about you, so can you tell me the meanest?
K: Incoming downer, but I had a really traumatically bad experience in undergrad with an online stalker who ruined my life for almost two years. They sent terribly explicit emails to friends of mine and even my professors, saying that I had done horrible things — none of which were true. They were so extreme that no one believed them, but it was still really traumatic. I also never found out who it was.
Alexander: Did it just stop by itself?
K: Yeah. Much of what was said was very sexual but also surprisingly anti-gay, and it all happened before I came out of the closet. Then it stopped after I came out. I can’t tell what prompted it to start or stop. The internet can be a terrible place. Like I said, a downer story.
Alexander: Not at all — I’m glad you you went there. Onto what might be a lighter topic, who do you most regret sleeping with?
K: In undergrad to make extra money, I was as a model for artists — that’s nude modeling. I even did it a bit here in D.C. when I first moved here. Most artists are looking for female models, except for, of course, gay artists. There was one artist here in D.C. who was obviously interested from the second I walked in. Artists usually pose you in positions, but he was totally touching me in particular places as he did it. I didn’t really care, because he politely asked what my limits were and what I was comfortable with. It went well, and he also happened to pay incredibly well, though the rate had been negotiated before any of this. He wasn’t particularly unattractive, and in the sensuality of the moment, we ended up sleeping together. But I regret it a little. You feel like a bit of a prostitute when there’s money involved, I guess. He paid so well, though, and now I can’t go back there!
Alexander: You know, I wanted to tell you we’ve all been there, but…
K: No, no, we’ve not all been there. [laughs] At least I would hope!
The following question I ask is, “What is the one thing you’ve been wanting to confess?”, but I realize he already has. We finish the interview, and he scurries off to get ready for a party. Somewhere not too far away, there’s a table of girls drinking pitchers of margaritas, and I can’t wait to drink and dish.
Check out the latest installment of Grindrphiles over at Outrage DC.