The following interview was conducted by pop-culture poster boy, freelance blogger and executive editor of Gunpowder & Gold Alexander Mayfair. It originally appeared on Washington, D.C.-based online magazine Outrage DC.
It feels like I’m literally dying. And not in a pseudo-philosophical “We’re all dying the minute we’re born” kind of way. I am face-down on my pillow and my hair is completely soaked with sweat. I have the urge to swallow but am refusing to do so. I have what is politely known as “kissing tonsils,” a cute name for a not-so-cute condition in which one’s tonsils are so inflamed that they are literally touching. So much for swallowing.
I haven’t seen the outside world for the last couple of days, and for the first time, I’m forced to do an interview over the phone. I’m all about face-to-face contact, but I couldn’t be happier conducting this interview in my PJs from the comfort of my own bed.
Alexander: So tell me, DLG, if you were driving an expensive fast car, what song would be playing?
DLG: It would definitely have to be “Fancy” by Reba McEntire. I would always rewind back to the lyrics “I mighta been just plain white trash, but fancy was my name.” True story.
Alexander: Sticking to music, what song are you embarrassed to admit that you love?
DLG: [Without hesitation] Anything by Miley Cyrus. I don’t know what it is with that b*tch, but I love her. I love that all her stuff is really catchy. She’s turnin’ into a badass, and her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus. He had the first mullet of the ’90s. You gotta respect that.
Alexander: That you do. He’s an integral part of mullet history. [laughs] Since you don’t possess a mullet for the ages, what do you want to be most remembered for?
DLG: I want to be most remembered for being a great uncle and a great dad. Even though I don’t have kids yet, I fully intend to. I have a great uncle and I want my nephew and niece to have the same support system I always have.
Alexander: I like that. That’s somewhat of an unexpected answer, if I may say so. Speaking of unexpected, what’s a non-obvious end to the perfect date?
DLG: I don’t date often, but if it went well – which it never does – I would pretend to get a phone call from my dad saying that Mom’s off the wagon again and she’s run over the family pet and is now in jail. If he can stick around after that, I know he’s a keeper!
Alexander: What about when you’re attracted to someone? What is something you can’t live without?
DLG: Someone who can’t make me laugh is an utter dealbreaker. You gotta take life with a grain of salt.
Alexander: If you were going to propose, how would you go about it?
DLG: I would probably take my boyfriend to see his favorite rock show. We would have awesome VIP seats and backstage passes for after the show, and I would propose in front of the band so they would basically have to do something special for us.
Alexander: If you had to name one person who shaped the person you are today, it would be…
DLG: My grandfather. He was a preacher. So good, so honest, and he was a true Christian in every way. No judgment, just love.
Alexander: What makes your mouth water?
DLG: Taco trucks and expensive vodka.
Alexander: When do you feel most uninhibited?
DLG: With my friends, on the Shenandoah River. We go cliff diving, rope swinging, skinny dipping and just have a blast. Being from the south, I have a special connection to the mountains. Places like that are what summers are made of for me.
Our interview finishes just as I have to get ready for my second doctor’s appointment. Tomorrow is Forbidden Paradise, a weekly party I’m hosting, and apparently the doctor thinks that the only way I will survive it is by giving me a triple steroid injection. “Your tonsils are just not shrinking fast enough.” Walking home, clutching my sore arm and filled with steroids, I can’t help but think of summers filled with cliff diving and skinny dipping.